My best friend...or not?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tinamarie1, Nov 8, 2007.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    I just need to vent. My best friend from childhood and I reconnected about 2 years ago (after not talking for almost 10 years). Things were so great. We took turns coming to see each other twice a year, we talked online during the day (when we should have been working), we even took a trip to New Orleans for a week this summer and had a blast.
    She and I are both stay at home moms now (our kids are in school all day though)...we always said how great that would be cause we could chat online whenever we wanted to.
    However since I have become a stay at home mom in the past 4 months, she is NEVER online. I really need her, my dad is dieing a slow death and there have been so many decisions I have had to make and it would make it so much more comforting to talk to my best friend. Also in the last 4 months, we have moved to a new state (she lived in florida & i lived in louisiana before), i have been uprooted from my family and well, I just wanted someone to talk to. When I call her she never answers by the way.
    So today I get an IM from her that just says, "sorry I just don't get online much these days". AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
    To me thats like saying, gee sorry our friendship doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
    I just had to cry and get this off my chest, I am hurting so bad and needed her friendship desperately.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    That really must be tough. I am sorry about your father too. (((hugs)))

    As hard as it might be, try not to take it personal. I would bet she did not stay offline to zing you.

    I would, however, let hr know that you have missed her and that you wished she had been there when you needed her. I would tell her that you hope that you two can come up with a definite way to communicate, whether it be online, phone, snail mail, whatever you choose.

    Good luck. Prayers for your father.
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I agree with BBK. I would ask her if she could some how let you know when she will be online or if she could call you when it is convient.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    So sorry, tina, about your friend, your dad, everything. Leaning on a close friend can make such a difference when you're going through tough times. I know because I've done that with a couple of my friends. The one I thought was my best friend did a vanishing act on me when I really needed her. The one friend whom I considered close, but not that close, turned out to be my true best friend and we're still very very close - there is nothing about me or mine she doesn't know.

    I finally got up the nerve to ask my 'supposed' best friend what happened and why she didn't respond to my calls, etc. She hemmed and hawed for a while, but finally spit it out. She said that I needed her more than she was able (or wanted) to give me. She felt overwhelmed by my phone calls at times and all the leaning on her that I was doing. She said that she simply was unable to be there for me THAT MUCH. *Ironically, about a year before I needed her she needed me and I was there - even to the point where my H became angry with me for neglecting him by being there for her!

    My point is, maybe your friend is all about the good times and she can handle the small, everyday, 'run of the mill' b!tching, but she can't handle the big stuff. Could that be possible?

    Hugs, tina, I know you're hurting. I hope that my thoughts don't upset you - I was just thinking that once my friend told me how she felt it helped me to put it into perspective and not take it so personally. Hugs~
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I too am sorry for all you're going through. I didn't know about your Dad ~ if you posted I didn't see it. But now that I know I'll be there for ya. We all will.

    Fair weather friends are just what they are. I saw something the other day that made me laugh. While it was very difficult child it was still funny. It said "A friend will bail you out of jail when you are in trouble. A BEST friend will be sitting there beside you in the cell saying "Well that was JUST fun."

    Maybe it's time in your life to give someone in Virginia a chance - I have it on good authority they are a good group of people.
  6. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Star, I really wish I could make a friend here in Virginia. I am not a recluse...or anything near it. I have joined the following:
    PTA (at 2 schools) on every committee there u can think of
    Pregnancy Crisis Center Volunteering once a week
    and a local animal rescue group (doing those pet adoptions at Petco and other places 2xs a month)

    I have met some nice people, but no one I have clicked with.
    I dunno...maybe I have cooties.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Do YOU suffer from cooties? Do people avoid you like the 4th, 5th and 6th plagues of Egypt? Do you walk with an occasional shudder down your spine? Do cats walk on the opposite side of the street when they see you coming? Do children throw up the sign of the cross with their pudgy little fingers upon entering a park or playground?

    If you've answered yes to two or more of these questions - you may suffer from Ithynceyeave Cootieidis. Roughly put Toots - You got Cooties.

    But FEAR not lady of the midnight, daylight, and sunlight crawlers. There is a cure - yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Ithynkceyeave Cootieidis - to get it. (they are extremely hard to milk for the anti-venom) I will share the recipe for ridding yourself of these vermin once and for all.

    It's Dr. Stars Cootie spray. Do NOT confuse this miracle cure with often imitated, never duplicated Cootie spray. A Dab will do ya. IN NO TIME - you'll be looking for a mini-van to cart around all the friends you'll make once you are free of the Cooties.

    People have been known to jump up in the middle of church and yell "I'm free - I'm free at last" due to the overwhelming sensations just one spray can give. A lady in Louisiana who moved to Virginia had this to say about our product:

    -Mable - "I've been using the Dr. Stars cootie spray for a year now, and my social calendar is so full I had to get Outlook for my computer to download to my Blackberry to handle all my outings. It's been like having a new life - with friends to share it with!!! I love it - thanks Dr. Star

    Today ONLY for the low, low, low, low, low introductory price of $19.99 we'll send you not one but TWO bottles of our fantastic, friend making spray and as a bonus we'll even send you a Cootie comb, hair wash, and hand sanitizer for those "odd" occasions you meet someone you don't want to be friends with.

    (shipping and handling extra)

    THere = that should do it.
  8. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    :rofl: Comedy central just called and said they want you to have your own show..teehee
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    NOoooooope, that Cootie spray is JUST FOR YOU!!!!


    Much hugs
    -(ahem) Dr. Star
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry about your friend.

    My best childhood friend is OK when I am convenient to her life. I mostly ignore her now. She only calls me when her marriage is in crisis. If I have a problem she is one of the "Your parenting is bad" people.

    I had to face the fact that she has some traits I just don't like. So we have a surface relationship.

    I am so sorry about your dad. I am here for you, whenever you need me. If you need someone to IM, let me know (if I can't figure it out, husband will do it for me,LOL). Send me a pm.

    I am mostly by my 'puter all day as I am dealing with neck stuff, but I can IM and PM and be here for you as needed

    Just send me a PM to start it all!!!

    Star, could I have some spray too?? difficult child has driven all my friends away.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Now the difficult child Cootie remover is more like nerve gas, rendering the patient er parent unconscious.
  12. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Sorry to hear about your Dad. We're all here for you so if you need to talk either on a PM feel free!

    I have a different spin on the best friend issue.

    When my Mom got sick, (many many years ago) she didn't hear from her best friend from the time she was diagnosed til the day she died.

    When she and her husband showed up at the wake, I wanted to KICK THEIR :censored2:'$. My uncle asked me to step outside and I thought "wow, they're going to let me kick their :censored2:'S"!

    They explained to me that they were frozen by the thought of death in their age group (my Mom was only 49 when she died). They were a mess, neither could meet my eyes and they were crying. What do you say? Well, here I am, 19 and making THEM feel better at my mom's funeral.

    My point is: illness and death has wicked feelings for people. She could be afraid to talk to you lest she say the wrong thing, or maybe she's thinking about her own parents mortality.

    Write her a letter, send a card. If she doesn't call or e-mail, write us - we're a HUGE family - someone will be on line if you need us!

    Thoughts and prayers to you!

  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Let's face it, some people wig out at the thought of serious illness or death.

    I'm not one of those people, never have been. But I know they're out there because I've run across my fair share. husband's brother and sis in law are two of them. (don't get me started)

    I cared for my grandmother while she was dying of cancer. I'm currently caring for mother in law, although she's in her own home. It's one of the most demanding physically, mentally, and emotionally jobs I've ever done. (that includes raising two difficult children)

    It's important for you to have someone to unload onto, bounce opinions off of, get ideas from, ect. You can unload here anytime. I'm sure there are plenty of us to listen. :smile:

    You can also PM me if you want. Up til Jan my schedule is fairly open and if I'm not constantly o/l, I pop in and out during the day.

    I'm sorry your friend has let you down. I know it hurts alot. :frown:

  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I once again want to say that feelings about this are so complicated. Please find a grief support group, and PM any of us you want/need to. We really do care.

    Sending hugs and love,

  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hey, we're here!

    Seriously though, she may have either not known, or simply not been able to cope with the idea. Don't expect too much of her and you won't be disappointed. Do let her know how much you miss her, let her know you need someone simply to remind you of happy times and tell you you will be happy again and tell her you don't expect her to instantly turn into a fully-fledged professional grief counsellor (who, by the way, you should try to find).

    Don't take it personally. Not everybody is good at coping with grief. I'm terrible at it, if it involves going to funerals. I can support a friend but at a funeral I'm a blubbering mess, I only make people feel worse! Even if I didn't even know the deceased...

  16. KFld

    KFld New Member

    To me she sounds like a fair weather friend for sure. I know it doesn't make it any easier to hear that, but I'm sorry, a true friend is a true friend no matter what.

    BFF Jill and I have been there for each other for the last 15 years or so through her divorce, my difficult child's drug addiction, her getting pregnant before she remarried :surprise:, though she was in love with dad, whom I introduced to her, and they did marry when MY GODSON was just a few months old. Now she is here for me again during my time of need, and I for her as she just discovered her difficult child has a drug problem of his own.

    Maybe because we have needed each other equally over the years and the two of us can go out and find humor in just about any situation. We have laughed and cried together through many a night on the phone.

    Has your boyfriend needed your for anything tramatic in her life?? Maybe if she hasn't, she just doesn't understand how important it is to be there for you and how much you really need her. I would let her know, and then if she still isn't there for you, she's not really your BFF.

    Just remember, we are all your BFF. You can vent, laugh, cry, whatever you need to do with us, and we will always be there for you.


    Loopy Cootiebrain
  17. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    I will add myself to being there if you need someone. I will be here on and off a lot.

    The person that I have been friends with since we were 3. So that is 33 years. Of course over this time we have had periods of time we were distant. We are going through that again.

    So if you need someone else pm away.

  18. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    Thanks so much for your kind words and offers of support. I do consider the people on this board to be like my family (even if we aren't super close to each other).
    I am the kind of person that has many many acquantances but only one or two very close friends.
    I feel like in my heart she thinks I am too needy as a friend and she is turned off by that. Don't we all need someone to confide in and talk to once or twice a week though?
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Some people can't cope with 'needy'. Even I turn off needy if there is no attempt at ANY stage to move on and grow. But very few people fall into THAT category.

    My BFF from years ago has at times been VERY needy; but with good cause. At times I wanted to shake her, she was making some very bad decisions although I knew why and it worried me. And at times she has not raised a subject with me because I think she was afraid I would be judgemental - she had a new bloke move in and I only found out when I dropped in for a quick surprise visit - she later married the guy and they are very happy, I think she was relieved, and embarrassed but in this case I suspect her parents had been critical of her for so quick to replace her ratfink of a second husband with another man going through his own post-marriage grief.

    You have reminded me to track down my friend, too. She last emailed me for my birthday but I didn't get it until we got back from New Zealand, which means I also missed her birthday (three days after mine). I did email her when we got back with news of our trip, but I know she & I have both been busy. Time to telephone again, I think.

    I have also had a 'friend' who I used to chat to a lot, until I realised she was always complaining about the same things, mostly from way back in her past. We would talk about her mother and how she had favoured the sisters over her, how she had sent her to boarding school where her sisters had tormented her, how her mother wouldn't invite her to her sister's wedding because she was an embarrassment by talking to relatives that were not acceptable... she would talk about the latest birthday card she got from her mother, saying "Happy Birthday, but I'm not sending you a present because you are an ungrateful person. I hope you have a happy day."
    Six months later, I was still hearing the same story. Two years later, I was still hearing it. I would be watching TV, see a program finish and as the credits were rolling the phone would ring - she had decided to talk to someone purely as a form of entertainment.

    After she got abusive to me for having a different political opinion I got husband to vet my calls. She had no idea how much she had hurt me. She would send me emails that were somewhere to the right of Attilla the Hun, but if I dared to reply with anything less than enthusiasm, even when I was cautiously saying, "There are a number of views on that topic," and saying no more, I got abused viciously in her next email for "pushing your left-wing views down my throat."

    I can do without friends like that, although when we meet she is still very buddy-buddy - has absolutely no idea.

    That is very different from needing a friend when you are going through a difficult time. Worlds apart.

    When I became disabled, I lost a lot of friends. Bushwalking, physically active friends would go without me because I could no longer keep up. Other friends in the local drama group shuddered because I was a reminder of their own mortality - I was the youngest and had been struck down. Even family thought I had gone ga-ga, because I'm the youngest there, too. I have very few friends from before - we just don't mix in the same circles. But I have formed new friendships which are very valuable, although it saddens me that they don't know what I used to be like. The biggest exception, other than husband, is my BFF from childhood who I've already mentioned. And we always have to work at that, to set time aside to talk because we both are so far away and so very busy.

    Sometimes friends go in different directions, especially when their lives change differently. It doesn't mean your friendship was a sham, it just means that it has changed.

    Maybe this has a simple explanation. Maybe you need to get your support elsewhere and keep your friendship with her on a more superficial, fun level. Maybe now you are finding that your friendship has limits based on lacks in her emotional capability. Accept this. We're none of us perfect, some of us are less perfect than others!

    I hope you can find the support you need, wherever you need to do it.

  20. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, I had this serious response all ready, and then I read Loan Ranger's post, LOL!
    So sorry, TinaMarie. I agree with-everyone here, just guessing at what it could be...
    Marg, I have a cousin like you described. She is in her mid-70s and still complaining about things that happened to her in her 20s. Now that she's older, she's got a lot of physical ailments, but every time she makes a dr appointment, she cancels it, and ends up whining on the ph, going with-o sleep, making it worse.
    I can only talk to her a cple times a mo now because she wears me down.
    She has been there for me, but I "got over" whatever-it-was, either emotionally or physically, and moved on.
    TinaMarie, maybe since you live so far apart, you could buy a funny CD or book and send it to her? with-a note saying how you value the friendship... just one last try b4 you give up. It's hard to say from the outside here what exactly is going on.
    Good luck!