My brother got arrested

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by TiredSister, Dec 27, 2013.

  1. TiredSister

    TiredSister New Member

    My brother is 24 years old and he has been doing marijuana on and off from last 5-6 years. He isn't an addict but he uses marijuana whenever he feels like it. He has been constantly lying with me and my parents. He was a very smart kid in high school and me and my parents were expecting him to become a doctor. Instead of that, I don't know how he started using marijuana and started selling when he started college. He always keeps a good job where he makes decent money ($2000) per month but he always have $0 in his account. He always keep borrowing money from friends. As soon as he gets his paycheck, he converts his paycheck into hard cash. So my dad can't see where he is spending his money. After 5 years, he barely finished AA degree, and so many times my parents have helped him to pay his fees and his debts; even though he makes $2000/month. He never saves any money. He gets so many traffic tickets, and he never pays them off. He is very irresponsible and immature. He used to live in my parents house and wasn't obeying any house rules. He is constantly arguing with my parents and he is always defending himself. He yells and screams a lot that sometimes it is hard to have a simple conversation with him. My mom is trying to be strict with him, but my dad can't be strict with him. My dad is always very lenient with him under a fear that he will become worst. Whenever he needs my parents he uses them for food, shelter, and financial needs. He manipulates my parents. He knows that my dad will help him out in any situation. About a year ago, he had a very bad gambling addiction. He was gambling big time online and in casino. He is always in need of money. I don't know what he does with his money. He was borrowing money from his so called friends, coworkers to gamble and he lost all their money. My dad paid all his debts, my mom kept telling to not pay his debts. But my dad is living in denial. He can't accept that his son is doing all these. Recently, he moved out of my parents house, because my parents kicked him out. They don't know where he is living, or with whom he is living. He is never in touch with my parents or me. Somehow he has still managed to keep his job.

    Recently he has been arrested with 5-6 charges (Marijuana, cocaine, Hashish possession and driving under suspended license) on him. My parents were in shock. My parents are hard working, simple people who immigrated to US 7-8 years ago for their kids bright future. My dad works 2 jobs at age of 60 and my mom works full time. They received a phone call from County Jail and they don't know what to do. They finally bailed him out the same night. They don't know meanings of the word "felony" or "convicted". Cops seized his car and it is in impound. They have already suspended his driver's license for 2 years. Cops said he got arrested by Narcotics for drug trafficking. After 6 weeks he has to show up in a court for his case. Now he is pressuring my parents to go get his car. Cops said to get his car my parents have to pay $1000 and that price will increase every day. My parents don't have that kind of money. He is also pressuring my parents to hire a good lawyer for him who can defend him, but my parents can't afford that. Even after doing all these, who knows he is stop doing all these or not. We are in shock and don't know what to do. Any advice will help. I personally feel like I don't want my parents to get involved in this. He is an adult now, he got himself into this and he can get himself out of this. He should get out of my parents house. He still argues, yells and screams. There is no sign of regret for him. He says he wants to live normal life and become a good person, but I can't trust him anymore. He has been saying this from last 5-6 years and there is no positive progress. Things are going negative in his life. I feel like he is just saying things what we want to hear right now. I am worried about my parents health, what if something happens to them at this age? Please advise. Any help is appreciated. I want him to become a good human being, but I don't know how can I help him.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi to a very caring sister. But you may be surprised by my personal opinion and advice.

    Stay out of the mess. It is his life and he is choosing to ruin it. You can't change him so there is no point in angsting over it. He is 25, not a baby, and nobody can do a think other than enable his behavior and that won't help him at all.

    You can not change how your parents have chosen to deal with him. It is their path to walk. If they came here we would tell them both exactly what I am telling you...they can not change him. Let him go off on his own and detach. This is not easy or instant, but once you realize that you can not change the addict (only YOUR reaction to the addict's behavior) then you can move forward to find inner peace, knowing that you are not responsible for how anybody else acts or what anyone else does.

    I have a great book you may want to read: "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I used to think I could fix damaged people too. It was a shock to absorb that I couldn't do one thing to change anyone buy me. And I did change me and my reaction to other's behaviors.

    You are young with your life ahead of you. Detach lovingly from your family and go on to do the great things you can do. Your brother's fate is in his own hands and nobody else's. Your parents have to walk their own journey and make their own choices. In the meantime, going to a Nar-Anon meeting or a private therapist may help your anxiety over your brother's choices.

    I know you are worried about your parents, but they are choosing to destroy their elder years. I doubt you can change them. They have to come to the realization themselves that there is nothing they can do for their son. Many of us have come to that decision. Some parents never can let go and it does make them ill. I hope your parents see that letting go of your brother's drama is for the best for them and for their other loved ones who want them to be healthy and happy. It is too bad Brother lives with them. He is too old to be at home behaving that way, but...again, this is your parent's decision.

    Engage your family on other issues. Do not stay involved with this brother and try detachment. That does not mean leaving your family. It means deciding how you will interact with them and on what terms. You don't need to tell them about it. Just do it.

    Good luck!!
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree in the fact that you cant change your brother. I wish your parents hadnt bailed him out because chances are he wont show up for the court case and your parents could possibly lose money they cant afford. They should definitely not get him a lawyer. He can apply for a court appointed one or pay for one himself. Considering the charges you have said, he may be in big trouble. I doubt he will stop selling drugs while in your parents house and that could cause them to lose their house.

    I dont think you can do a whole lot except maybe explain these facts to your parents. What they choose to do is up to them.
  4. TiredSister

    TiredSister New Member

    Thank you MidWestMom for your detailed reply. I will for sure read the book you recommended. I can detach myself from my brother, but my parents are very emotional. He cries and convinces my parents that he will not do this again and my parents always ends up helping him. After doing some research I feel like my brother is ODD. I feel like when I talk with my parents they don't listen to me, I feel like I am talking to a brick wall. I am doing research and using my energy to find this things out and what do they do, they go and help him. I just found out that my parents got his license back and also meeting with a lawyer. I told my parents that if you want to spend money behind him to help him then find best psychiatrist for him, but not a lawyer. But they are not listening to me. Sigh...

    Thank you so much for your reply, at least it confirms me that I am not only one to think like this. Thank you MidWestMom!
  5. TiredSister

    TiredSister New Member

    I guess you are right DammitJanet. My parents have brought this upon them by deciding to help him. I guess this is their choice, I can't do much about it. I have to accept this fact now.

    Thank you so much for your reply!
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I think it is true your parents have to find their own path in dealing with your brother. I think it is very different being a sibling vs being a parent. I think as a parent, when you have always wanted to protect your child, it is very hard to take that hard step of tough love and let them potentially self destruct. I think the fear of them going to jail, or worse dying, are strong reasons why we as parents keep enabling our kids.

    That said I think often siblings see things more clearly. I know my daughter is much less forgiving, understanding etc. of my son and at a pretty early age she was frustrated with what we as his parents put up with. In some ways it was hard because as a teen she really didnt understand how we felt, but on the other hand it was also good to hear her honesty.

    So I think being compassionate about the position your parents are in but also being very honest about how you see things can be helpful. Although ultimately you need to know your brother and what they choose to do or not do is not your responsibility.

    The other thing I suggest is to look for a support group for parents such as alanon... they do have meetings geared towards parents which have been hugely helpful to me. If you find one maybe go yourself (I bet you would also find it helpful) and then maybe suggest to your parents thtat they go with you.

    I am also wondering if you could have a heart to heart talk with this with your mom, given that it sounds like your dad is more in denial and more enabling than she is..... but again do it with a sense of how can you support her in all this.

    Tough situation all around.


    Sent from my iPad using ConductDisorders
  7. TiredSister

    TiredSister New Member

    Thank you so much toughlovin for your suggestions. I will definitely go to the meeting and ask my parents (at least my mom) to join me.

    God bless you! Take care!
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I'm so sorry that your parents have to face the end of their dreams for your brother. Somehow it seems more heartbreaking since they have obviously sacraficed to move to this Country in anticipation of their son achieving the American dream.

    IF you fear they truly do not understand the ramifications of helping him further perhaps you can find someone to explain that they can truly lose their possessions due to his poor choices. Many parents sign documents to "free" their s.a. children and don't fully grasp that their financial future is put at risk.

    I will say a prayer for your family. DDD
  9. keatingb

    keatingb New Member

    I know it is only marihuana, but do you think your brother may need treatment?
  10. keatingb

    keatingb New Member


    Sorry about that. On a cell phone.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Actually, sounds like he is spending every dime and even borrowing. Just for pot? Really?

    I'm not convinced it's only marijuana. Never heard of somebody spending every dime for marijuana, especially if, as you say, he isn't addicted to it. That's not something you can know for sure, no matter what he says or shows you..the extent of what he is using and how much. He is telling you and showing you only what he cares for you to know. That's a lot of $$$ to spend on just pot.

    However, it is still not your problem. It is your brother's problem. YOU keep your life going well ;)
  12. Apoe1984

    Apoe1984 New Member

    Rehab, counselling, therapy are the options. Does your brother admit that he has a problem? How are you doing? So sad to what happened to you and your family.
  13. Porchish

    Porchish New member

    Hello everyone. I'm new here. Van i join this topic?
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member


    Yes jump right in

    To the original poster I think the ladies have given you good advice. He needs to get help bug only he can make that useful. You have to protect you.

    I would also agree that the money issue is probably related to drug use and possibly gambling. Their are support groups and therapists out there for both

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders