My child moved back in. I am insane.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Jun 19, 2010.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    I don't even want to admit it. But my daughter is back home. After blowing it here, blowing it at my parent's and blowing it at her boyfriend's. She needed to get out and moving her stuff out of his house meant sleeping here. Which meant being here, because her stuff is here. Which means now she's here.

    And we're idiots or gluttons for punishment. I'm not sure.

    She has not been allowed to live here for over a year. It was horrible, horrific before when she was here. Then she was in jail, tx, jail, residential tx, and all in between she was at my parent's because we knew our family needed the break and we put our foot down. Can't follow the rules - you're done. We have other growing children, a marriage and our own sanity and health to think about.

    So last week I was sick on the couch and that's when she came. Things have changed while staying the same.

    We don't allow her in the house right now without us being here. She has to come with or get out. No drama forced on our other kids while we aren't here to protect them.

    Every night she leaves, at least for a bit. I don't know if she gets high or what, but it's been going on forever. If she can't pop some Benedryl or sleeping pill, she goes out. She has a hard time sleeping and the anxiety is too much for her. So I hid all of that stuff. But will she go see a real doctor? Goodness no!!!

    It's stressful. It's 50/50. When she's not here it is less stressful because I don't have the constant babysitting that I do when she's here, but I worry. So with her here, at least I know where she is -- some of the time. But parameters and follow-thru is A LOT OF WORK. I'm sure you all know this. But it's exhausting, and I feel like it takes away from everyone else, which I do not like. I feel like I'm running a half-way house with her here. Like I'm doing Residential Care for her.

    I've been so much training myself in living the day-to-day that I feel like I'm whittling my life away. And now here we are again. Bah.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Must be something in the air around here, I swear. I hope everything works out ok for you and your difficult child. These decisions are never easy ones, I know.

    My Youngest and her family are still staying with me. It's been better than I anticipated. Oldest is about to get kicked out of her apartment, and I am preparing myself for the inevitable downward spiral, and fighting any urges to offer her a place to stay. :(
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It does not sound like fun, but you probably would have had a hard time emotionally if you hadn't given her at least a chance. I am sorry it is so rough.

    Are you drug testing her? I would make it mandatory that she must test clean to stay there. Even if you must test her every day it is important because she may try to convince her siblings that it is fun or cool to use drugs. Often when an addict feels judged they will try to get whomever they think is judging them to try drugs. The old "how can you say it is bad if you have never tried it for yourself" argument can be hard for a kid to find an answer to. I had a hard time, esp as a teen, when I had to deal with it.

    I would also search her stuff regularly. Esp any purse or backpack she takes with her when she goes out at night.

    You might consider making treatment by a doctor a condition for living with you.

    I hope and pray she will straighten up but don't let your guard down. You do have other kids to protect. And yourself!

    It sounds like you have some good rules in place. Just be sure the kids feel they can talk to you about everything.
  4. Bean

    Bean Member

    I'm pretty sure she is using. I would be floored if she was not. My husband has been working pretty much non-stop, so we have not (as a united force) had a chance to sit down and talk with her. But it is time now. Her coming and going is too much for the stability of our household.

    I do think, definitely, that there needs to be parameters. I'm still trying to figure out how she even ended up here, honestly. It is silly. Sentimental. But doubtful that it is helpful at all.

    ALL she does is spend time with her friends, looking for or creating drama. She has not yet once spent one night here, normally (eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed). It's been her wandering around all the time. It's not healthy or normal and my stomach has been sick pretty much since she got here.

    Where would you even find a drug test and how much are they?
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Drugstores carry drug tests. Get whichever one tests for the most stuff so you get a complete picture.

    It is not a good thing that she just sort of came back with few rules and/or expectations. I do not think you are doing any favors for her by letting her stay with you, esp this way. I know it is hard to make her go, but she is playing Russian Roulette with drugs instead of a gun. It is also extremely unhealthy for your other kids. They see you letting her come back with-o even asking that she be drug free while at your home. I guarantee she will try to get at least one of them to use drugs or to get drugs for her. My bro used to say I was "judgmental" when I told him I didn't approve of drugs and didn't want to do them. He hammered at me with the argument that if you haven't tried something you don't have any right to say if it is good or bad. If I wasn't just oppositional enough to refuse to be bullied into something like that I would have given in to shut him up, if for no other reason.

    I know you and husband are tired and stressed. You still MUST sit down, regardless of how tired and stressed you are, and figure out the rules for her to stay with you. You need to decide exactly what the consequences will be if she doesn't follow them, and how much rent she will pay. No rent, no stay, no excuses. Drugs either in your home/property or in her while on your property need to be an instant eviction.

    Every single thing you provide for her, food, toothpaste, tampons, rides, etc... is more that she doesn't have to pay for and can spend on drugs. EVERYTHING. Would you go and buy the drugs for her? It is exactly what you are doing when you allow her to live in your home while doing drugs.

    I KNOW how hard this is. You may or may not be able to take a really hard line right now. But for the sake of the rest of the family you are going to have to do something. Until she hits bottom she will never get clean.

    You and the rest of the family also need to go to al anon or narc anon. Even the kids if you can find meetings for them.
  6. Bean

    Bean Member

    Suziestar, I'm with you 100%. That's the whole grouseness of it. I totally KNOW and we're idiots. My husband and I went for a walk last night (pretty much the first time we were able to have some alone time since she's been here) and are pretty awed at our stupidity.

    Yesterday she stopped off here, changed and left. Said she'd be back (we were grilling out for Father's Day) and she didn't. It's such a 1-sided relationship right now. Even our 16 year old tells her he is disgusted with the way she uses off people. Our other children are unhappy with the yelling. There's no give, it's all take.

    My husband and I, on our walk, realized that it hasn't changed. We thought things were slightly improved over how it was before when she was here, but then we realized it was us that had changed. Not her.

    We no longer chase after her at night like we used to. If she lies about coming home, tells us where she is, we no longer demand she comes home (like we used to). So we no longer have the same rules as we did. Part of it is because she is older, but with her not working, not contributing, stirring up issues, getting high, there's not good in what we've offered. We can't sacrifice the whole family for her.

    Anyway, we're going to talk with her today.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Bean -

    I think you owe it to yourself to ask yourself this question. "What would she be doing had we not allowed her to come back here and disrupt our lives? Where would she have found a place to live? Is she that simple that should wouldn't have begged, or bartered for another place to live? How is it that this person thinks she can come into MY home and run MY life and disrupt MY world - which until she came, wasn't perfect - but at least we weren't popping Zantac and Prilosec like Pez? How would it be if we said 'here are the rules and if you break on - JUST ONCE - you are out, and you will have to find your own way!' and then stick to it?

    These are similar to the questions our psychiatrist told us to ask OURSELVES when Dude was here the last time. And then the final blow - WOULD YOU allow someone you didn't know to come into your home and treat you like your child is? HELL NO. and that should be the finale. Would you go to the park, pick up some guy without knowing him, his habits, if he drank, if he did drugs, if he stole - and say "You look homeless - come to our home - and do as you like?" ......hardly. WHY then is it different for parents to say NO to their children and stick to it. Because you think you'll not have their LOVE? I mean - do you have that anyway? Do you have honesty, help, and a good relationship where in it's 50/50?

    When we started thinking about Dude like that? We put our foot down, he FOUND his way and he really seems happier about doing it on his own. I'm actually happy for him. We made the rules, he broke them - we told him the consequences from the git-go and when they were broken? We said "OUT." no more.

    That's not telling them "I don't love you...." It's telling them "I love myself and the others in this family so much that I will make the sacrifice of having you dislike me or even hate me" - and being and doing what a good parent does - sacrifice for the sake of the kids they love.

    Sending you huge hugs. (And a bottle of Excedrine Tension headache) ----and a note pad and paper for rules/consequences and glue to stick to it.

  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I couldn't help but chuckle at that. It was the same thing with difficult child 2. He was here and all of a sudden it was like, "How did that happen?" They have a way of sucking us in and we don't realize it until too late sometimes.

    Me? I'm in a flare and I'm blaming my decision on that. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :D

    That rotten kid even stole the change out of my car. I mean, really? Really?? And he won't talk to me, but sends a message through his mom to bring the rest of his stuff home. Sorry, but I already packed everything I found. I'm not digging around for anything else. He's going to have to be more specific. I deep cleaned the living room last night - where he was staying - and there was nothing there. Now he's calling difficult child's cell. What a brat. UMPH! I just want to smack him.

    Sorry to hijack your thread. I just feel your pain.
  9. Bean

    Bean Member

    Flutterby, you're not hijacking. We're all in this together, crazy the world.

    Star. Girlfriend. I just... I'm embarrassed, really.

    We talked to her today and told her our expectations. I have to be honest, when her brain gets wrapped up in pot it is like talking to a zombie. Really. She's just a totally different person. She could identify that when she was clean (it takes a loooooooooooooooong time for it to leave her body - she couldn't go to outreach in jail until her levels reached a certain point and it took much longer than normal). It's really sad. She was able to stay off it until she got off paper, and then she went right back to it. Having a conversation with her is like talking to a zombie.

    Star, you asked what she'd be doing if she weren't here? I really don't know. We honestly thought she might have been prostituting herself when she was at my parent's house. She survived and gotten high for years without a job. So, if she hasn't prostituted, she's definitely compromised. She's stolen from my mom multiple times. I don't think she's stolen from me lately, but she's really really good.

    Put it this way, right now she's looking into food stamps so she can eat if she gets thrown out. Rather than hand in the job application at McDonalds (she was there last week and they were hiring), she'd rather line up for food stamps. If she can't shower, she doesn't. She's gotten all her clothes from theft and borrowing. She talks about stripping and has signed up for a Sugar Daddy website in hopes of hooking up with someone there.

    So I don't know. I guess I fear the worst. That it would push her over the edge and she would spiral and end up in one of the major outlying cities and become a full-blown addict. She'd rather take the con's way of doing things than the regular way. It's really sad.

    But, in the end, I can't control it. It's inevitable that it won't last here anyway. So we'll see what happens. I told her she has a week, if that, depending on how the next couple days go. We explained the gift she has right now in being able to stay here, and we'll see what she does with it. We're already pretty sure of what will happen, so we just need to man up for the follow-through.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Embarrassed? Pshaw! (pft)

    Listen - We all do what we have to do when we do it because we either need to or feel something - the something we feel is our brains telling us - This is the best thing I can do. That's why there are girlfriends! We're not afraid to say "YOU DID WHATTTT?" and then just let the information soak into your psyche. It's suggestive not demanding. See?

    Right now? I know where you are. I've been there with the exception of the prostitution.....(maybe....thinks off about what a manwho*r* Dude has become) I dunno maybe my kid is the same just without the drugs. Wow - wonder where my kickback is for having such a prolific child? (note to self ask for your commission).

    Our kids suffer from what I think is a huge lack of self-esteem. But when we thought about it.....would it really have been better for Dude to stay here, eat our food, and argue with us in our house when we pay the bills and KNOW he would NOT help out with even the simplest of chores - and if he did it had to be HIS WAY. Then 1/2 the time he'd start to do something and well - ADHD kicked in and he could be raking leaves, find a spider -and the next thing you know the yard is 1/2 raked, it rains and he's on the phone talking to his buddy about the spider in the yard. Okay - I've picked up water moccasins - (by mistake) and kept on raking - GET A LIFE. But yes, of course - you saw a nickle sized spider so that means you should by all means stop raking. (don't get a jar....don't put him somewhere else, don't leave him alone.....-Raid is Tabu in our house) But seriously - HELP ME DO SOMETHING - you're afraid of spiders - How about you fold the towels? NO? You don't like to fold towels. Okay sweep the driveway. No? Oh yes your allergies (cough cough), Okay I need someone to help me shake out all the throw rug......What? No you can't again - allergic? Uh huh. Okay - How about you wash dishes? No? A papercut on your finger and it could get infected...Okay I see.

    And that was my point....I see, I see, I see.......I see that NOTHING is getting done unless I did it - but he continued to make messes. I stopped asking what the excuse for cleaning his room was - Usually - When I get back from hanging with my friends. O.I.C.......and if it bugs ME enough? He knew I'd do it. Well the last time? I didn't. It stayed exactly as he left it and when he chose to not ever come home again? I bagged and boxed it up - as it was......and it is shortly coming to an expiration date. Then Goodwill.

    So see? Ya'rnt alone. (like that word huh? Ya'rnt? ----marvey) and to tell you the truth it's kind of like any addiction - Not even dissimiar to stopping smoking - you have to try quitting a few times before you find success. Then you realize you could have lived without them since forever.

    Them being in the difficult child case - THE BS, THE ARGUING, THE THEFT, LIES, DECEIT, Harrassment.....Constant upset stomach - Not THEM per se - but their behaviors.

    That's all I'm sayin' K?

    I guess we all want to prolong what we feel is the inevitable for our kids because letting go is so scary. At least when we keep them we have some idea of what is going to happen to them....and us......When we let them go? Well - you just never know. Like I said before Dude has made some dandy - (dumb dumb) choices for himself since he's left. Many of those decisions had he been here? I would have said OH NO WAY...and put my foot down or up - depending. But .....what I hear when I do hear from him is that he's made quite a mess of things...and I just say "You don't say, well you were raised to do X maybe that would help?" Then I put it in a bubble and let it goooooooo.......far..........far..........away.

    -Except for the part where he pounded the snot out of bio-dad? Yeah that one I'm still kinda holding on to. Eventually I'll let it go - but not just yet. And I'd never tell him - but for now I'm keeping that one.

  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Insane=Bad, very bad
    Using=Bad, very bad

    How old is your difficult child? 18 is still a little on the young side. Can you get her to some kind of treatment? AA or whatever is appropriate?

    Can you drug test her as part of the condition for staying in your home? I would set some parameters and boundaries. Perhaps drug testing, therapy and either a part time job or some sort of class to further her education. Nothing too drastic...but something.

    If this is not do-able, then I would offer some suggestions on other places she might live. Let her know the deal is always on the table for her if she is willing to do it/work it...and give her a week (or two max) to find a place. Give her a list of AA locations. You could also give her a gift card each week for the local grocery store for a few a temporary gesture to help her get on her feet. But she should feel the sting of making a poor decision. Again, let her know the door is open to come back home IF and only IF she is willing to making signficant changes and get some help. If not...this is HER decision/her call. Let it be...

    In the mean time, build your strength up. This is NOT easy. Yes, it is SCARY. But, it is what it is. As Star mentioned.....don't prolong what is likely 'enevitable.' Push through this pain. You are can NOT control this.

    Consider seeing a therapist of your own and going to Al Anon or FA... if you have not done these things already.

    Keep in mind this truth: You have a right to not feel "insane," and to live within your home in peace.
    Lasted edited by : Jun 22, 2010
  12. Bean

    Bean Member

    Star, Dude sounds a lot like my Beaner. She doesn't help around the house either. And her excuses for not doing anything expand far beyond our home.

    Nomad, she's 18, will be 19 next month. She went to jail at 17 and was put on probation for 18 months. During that 18 months she went to jail, out, back to jail (violations), on the run, back to jail, spent 4 months in res. tx, got out, went to my parent's house (was not allowed to come back here because she didn't want to leave her gang and stop using) violated, back to jail, 4 months in half-way house (tx), back to my parent's and then back to jail one more time, back to my parent's. Finally my parents kicked her out since they are on summer vacation and she has been using, not coming home, etc. She moved in with her boyfriend for about a month (that's all he could take - he was older, she's young and immature) and then she was out.

    That's how she ended up here. Something like that. The timeline might be screwy a bit. But basically she's had tx after tx, inpatient and outpatient. We have insurance and have set her up with a psychiatric, she went until she realized she wasn't going to get any happy drugs. Then she blew it off. She won't go to tx, won't get help. She self-medicates each night. We think it is with weed, but probably it's with more than that.

    After telling her our expectations last night (home by 11pm, sleep at home, up in the morning, no use, get a job/school, etc.) she pulled her same routine of saying she was "on her way home" and then never showing up. My husband talked to her at 12pm and she sounded out of it, on something. At 2am she called and said she was coming home and my husband told her that oh no, no, no. She wasn't. He said she could stay where she was and that she wasn't coming here at the buttcrack of dawn, messed up. She hung up on him.

    Sad as it is, she's choosing her lifestyle and her drug use over a warm bed, food, clothing, shelter and her family. And she's just shy of 19. It scares me. A lot. You'd think after all she's experienced, she'd be ready to make a change. You'd think she'd be a recluse, not wanting to go out or do ANYTHING to get in trouble or to mess herself up anymore. But she can't control herself.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think everyone has to go through the in and out with their kids a few times. It is different for everyone, but as much as we love our kids it is really hard to just cut them off and never give them another chance. I was mostly worried she was taking advantage by just edging her way back in with-o you fully realizing it was happening.

    Remember, in some states if an adult spends a night at your home and does not wish to leave willingly they do not have to. They have to be evicted. It is nuts, but it is the law in some areas. So have her sign an agreement that if she breaks the rules she is out with-in X hours. It will protect you in case some well meaning idiot tells her about that - if it is true in your city or state.
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry. What you've been through sounds traumatic.
    What Susiestar said is right. In some states, you have to initiate eviction proceedings...even for your child.
    My guess is that she might not be fully aware of this.
    You could always write her a letter stating that she has a month to relocate and mail it to her.
    (Double check with someone who knows these things if this would do the trick!)
    Perhaps this will give her time to consider treatment.
    Hard to say, but certainly there is a possibility that she needs not only addiction tx, but also the services of a psychiatrist and possible medication.
    But, I'm guessing that she's not open to it.
    Please consider Al Anon or FA for additional information and support. These groups can be of great help for YOU!
  15. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thanks guys. Yeah, she's definitely dual-diagnosis treatment-bound.

    She didn't come home last night either. Her "curfew" is 11pm. Not home by then - find somewhere else to stay and don't come here the next day looking for food, shower and drama. That's our boundary. If she can make it home by 11pm and sleep here with some normalcy, then she is welcome to be here. But otherwise, not. (She does most of her using at night)

    She called last night, messed up, and wanted to come home. Of coarse, later than she was supposed to. Husband said no again. Night 2.

    Now she wants to just move out, move away to another city. I'm very scared for her.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Bean, that is exactly what I see in the future for my difficult child - in and out of jail :( I feel your pain. I keep wanting to give second chances. I keep thinking today is the day she is going to turn it all around. I keep wanting to see the good in her. Truth is, I am not seeing much good at all...

    Star, holy ****!!! I can read your posts all day!! What a writer you are and what wisdom and sense you should write a book, a blog, something - if you haven't already! And if you have, could you point it out to me? :)
  17. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    This is all so much more painful because these are GIRLS! They will end up being used by some scummy man. Women have fought so hard to gain respect and recognition of their dignity, this shows us all the destructive power of drug use. Our difficult child 1 caught an STD which he is having trouble treating, difficult child 2 had me worried that he would end up in porn. I can't imagine how much more crazed with worry I would have become had they been daughters and not sons.

    I'm so very sorry!
  18. Bean

    Bean Member

    There is something about having your daughter out there like that. My husband has said it before. But, of coarse, anyone's beloved child, boy or girl, putting themselves in risky situations like that is hard.