My dad has lung cancer

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jan 22, 2016.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My sister texted my husband. I am so grateful she did. I am not sure what I'm going to do now, but thinking of staying with Princess in Illinois for a while although God knows how I'd get to see my father without a car. Maybe my ex will drive me. He loves my dad too.

    I feel sick and sad.

    Thanks for being here.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Prayers and more prayers going up Serenity.
    I am so sorry for your heartache.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thanks. Funny...I feel so lost.

    I am planning to go to Illinois next weekend. This is too little notice. I am so sad. I hope the sibls can put our differences behind us during this time. All that fighting seems so unimportant least to me. but I do have good support regardless...

  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am glad your sis texted your hubby. That is a good thing.
    The fighting is unimportant, let it take a back seat for now.
    The biggest thing is knowing what is going on with your dad, what the plan is. Mom has survived longer than expected......she is doing quite well, they gave her 6 months, it has been three years.
    I know your dad is 91, but we never know.
    I am hoping for the best for your dad.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, SWOT.
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Holding you all in our thoughts and prayers, Serenity.

  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sending billions of gentle hugs for your hurting heart and prayers for your father and your entire family.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry, Serenity.
    He may have more time than you think. There are treatments now that did not exist before.

    We are with you.

    Who will care for him, Serenity, when he needs care? That may come up. Better to think about it now, while you are home with your hubby. You may have to talk to your Dad about it.

    And an advanced care directive. Somebody will have been designated by him to make decisions about care if there comes a time when he cannot. If he has not done this, he needs to, to spare conflict and confusion.

    Which of the kids live nearby? Is there other extended family?

    I am sorry, Serenity. You know I know how hard this is.

  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thanks all. I am thinking he will need a nursing home. My sister and brother work full time snd this is too far away plus I need to find a job too and. he doesnt want to be in an unfamiliar area. His doctors are there.

    When my mother had brain cancer she went to a home near my sister.

    I can only speak for myself but I hsve no rxperience nursing and do not feel I could.keep him safe and comfortable and feel he is better off in a nursing home than mine. This isnt really an issue either because he is of sound mind and wants to live at his apartment if he can. He is very self sufficient.

    I dont think this is the time for me to haggle with my siblings. I will go along with their wishes and do all I can to help my father in the best way I can. That means no sibling drama, which he hates.
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    Last edited: Jan 23, 2016
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Serenity, thinking of you. It is difficult when a parent is ill, and we are far away.
    We have to live our lives, too, know what we are capable of, and what is best for all concerned.
    It is understandable that your dad would want to stay where his home is, where his surroundings are familiar, my mom is the same. My prayers to you and your family, while all of this is thought out.
    Mom wants to stay in her own home, as long as she is able. She is strong and determined to live independently. I think I would feel the same, when I get older. We are very blessed that she has her wits about her.
    The best we could all ask for as we age and have challenges with illness, is to retain our self sufficiency as long as we are able. My lil sis was able to work from a town nearby, and help mom through chemo.
    Sometimes this is not possible for adult children.
    It will be one day, one step at a time for all of you.
    A lot will depend on what your dad decides to do, what treatment is offered, and even if he wants to go that route. My dad had bile duct cancer. He decided that he didn't want chemo. The docs gave him a few months. He lived for six years after his diagnosis. We just never know what the details will be, life is a mystery in this way.
    One thing I did, that was hard, was go home every year, sometimes twice. It wasn't rational, I couldn't afford it. When I talked with my therapist about it, she said that I over extended myself (true). With mom, I went this fall, but will probably not be able to go back again for another year and a half or so. It is expensive, time off of work. She calls every weekend and we talk. If she falls very ill, I would probably try to go, but not even sure if I can, due to hubs illnesses. We can only do so much.
    Our parents know how much we love them.
    They know we have our lives and responsibilities.
    You are a good daughter, Serenity.
    Are you still going to visit soon? Have you heard any more news?

    It is a very difficult time, you sound very strong. Keep the faith.

    Holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Extra hugs and more hugs.....
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My mother is in her 90's and will stay in her home until her time comes. I will honor this for as long as it is possible. She will not allow strangers in her home to help her in anyway. I am the only sibling that lives close enough to help her.

    If your father has the financial means and will allow home health care and nursing care, his wishes can be realized. I have had a security system installed at my mother's that allows me to monitor her every move on my smart phone. I get live feed 24 hours a day. It is an invasion of her privacy, but that is the trade off. I installed after the dead phone incident.

    My mother is still able to leave the house and that part I have not worked out.

    I will pray that you and your siblings can work together for the good of your father.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Pasa, would she allow a GPS monitor in her purse? If she drives, could you install one on her car?

    I've heard of them being attached to the clothing of dementia people living at home, so that if they wander they are easy to find.
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  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is my father, exactly. He wants to stay home and will not accept nursing care. My sister invited him to move in with her, because apparently he has been sick for a while but didn't tell me, and he refused. He won't live in an assisted care center or nursing home because he doesn't want to spend the money. For that matter, he doesn't even want a cleaning service, which he desperately needs. I hear his apartment is a mess. My brother has driven him to various assisted living places when he has been in town, but Dad just won't pay the money. Apparently he is calling Bro and Sis non-stop, but not me. He is thinking of me when I was maybe 20 years old and a hypochondriac and he thinks Iwill freak out if I hear the word "cancer." Heh. My BFF died of cancer and I was with her to the end. It gets so frustrating to be so misunderstood by FOO. I would like to help more, but he isn't letting me know anything. If he doesn't let me know anything I can only go by what my sister tells me and call then nursing station and recite what she tells me to say...I can't do anything else if he is shutting me out of his care. Truly, truly, I am not one of them, not even my father. But that's not important right now. Keeping him safe and as comfy as possible is what is important. If my father doesn't want me involved, it is his decision and I respect it. I will help my sister and brother in any way you ask of me. That is all I can do.

    In our FOO fighting over wills and stuff like POA will not happen. I have no intention of ever fighting over a will. I think my dad has it divided in thirds. I will find out. Nobody is going to try to get him to sign everything over to one of them. For the most part, we just wish he'd spend some of our inheritance on HIMSELF. HE needs it.My brother is POA and I know he will do what is in my father's best interests.

    It is good to talk to my sister again. Yes, I said it is good. There is some mistrust there, of course, but at least we are not causing my father further angst. I talked to Bart last night. He is me "go to" for good advice on how to handle things, such as my emotions and feelings. During his year of craziness in custody I forgot how clearly he thinks when he is not overly stressed and how intelligent he is. I trust him. He had good advice. Thank you, precious Bart.

    Today I am going with hubby to see Jumper play basketball. Then we have football this weekend. With the Packers out of the picture, I say "Go Panthers!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    Since my father has been sick for so long and has not told me, I am going to go on with my life, visit him sometime soon, but allow him to let my two siblings to take care of his needs. That is what he wants.

    Off to the basketball game. I will keep my phone on high. I expect, at any time, to get a very bad call that will make me cry until I have no more tears. But, with the info I have and his restrictions on my involvement, I am doing all that I can.

    Hugs to all my friends.
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Well thought out Serenity, you have such a good head on your shoulders and a kind and loving heart.
    Prayers going up for your dads comfort, and your continued strength through this difficult time.
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  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I just got off t he phone with my sister. I truly did not anticipate talking to her again, but we now plan to try to visit Dad together. Dad will like that. He gets very upset when his kids don't get along.

    I don't know where this is going, but I've got my guard up. She has been very nice. This is for Dad and I just have to take a chance.

    Leafie, I don't have such a good head on my shoulders. I had to review my tool box and digged into it and found "you can't control other people."

    I can not control my father, if he treats me differently or not, but I love him and don't want him to hurt because of some dumb thing I say or do. Yes, I say and do dumb things sometimes.
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Ask the nursing staff if he qualifies for hospice care. I think Medicare covers the bulk of that. Plus, they can come to his home and maybe monitor him for a couple hours a day.

    This could be a great compromise. Again, maybe the social worker or nurse can start this process. KSMKSM
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  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This makes sense.

    He sounds like my grandpa in the fierce independence. I love that about him.

  18. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi, all. Just got back from Jumper's college. Thanks for all the feedback.

    I don't know where my father is. He hasn't contacted me, he's not home, and he is choosing to not allow me to know what is going on with him so until I hear from my sister, if I do (if she's not swamped with him), then I can't suggest anything. He is not making that possible since I am left out of the loop. There is nothing I can do to help him or give ideas to my siblings.

    This is so very much how it has always been for me. Odd man out of my FOO. I can not be angry at my sister or bro for this. Sis has been nice. Bro has nothing to do with it. It's all my father's choice. I am baffled as to why. Sis says he thinks I'll freak out if I hear the "C" word. Um, well, maybe when I was in my early 20s or even 30s. I was a hypochondriac then. But that hasn't been for many years and I went through ten years of cancer with my BFF untnil she died. I never freaked out or stopped going to see her a nd, if I do say so myself, I feel I was very good with her. Talked about normal stuff and let her talk about her illness when she liked, and listened.

    I just recovered from a car accident, goodness sakes, that I should have died from, and I don't have post traumatic over the accident and I am healing really well. Yes, I am tough. But somehow both of my parents see me as that overly sensitive, nervous little girl who was so needy. I am not a woman who is like that at all and it bugs me, however there is not one t hing I can do to change my father's mind. And I can't be of help to anyone if I don't even know where my father is. Last I heard he was being sent home (a startling and scary thought) and being driven by a medical van (something I sure would horrify him).

    We can only do what others allow us to do. I got a clear message that I am not a part of my father's last days. Sure, I will try to get to Illinois and see him again. I fear (very much) that his time is very limited. Aside from that, I can't do anything.

    Perhaps now all of you can see how I am perceived by FOO. It's incorrect too. I am a great advocate at getting things done both for myself and others, but I guess my dad doesn't know that about me.

    He is not one to be open to discussion and anyway I don't know how to reach him. I called his apartment, but it went to voicemail.

    (Sigh) I do appreciate th at my family of choice know that I am strong. I am their "go to" person for any/all problems.

    Oh, well. This is just another in a long list of ways I have been shunned, this time by my father. I don't believe he means to shun me in a mean way. I believe he may even think he is protecting me....but it feels like a regular ole shun anyway. And maybe he IS doing it like my mother did, because he doesn't love me enough and doesn't want me around. I don't know. He won't tell me. He was supposed to call me today, but he didn't. He has already called my sister and brother umpteen times...

    I will make plans to go to Illinois depending on what I hear about my father's health, when I hear it. I am dependent on others to let me know about it.

    In the meantime, life goes on. I am looking forward to two great football games tomorrow if I don't hear anything about how it is urgent that I go to Illinois. I am afraid that this will only happen after I hear he has passed and then I will go to his funeral and...then my FOO ties will really be pretty much non-existent.

    Tears are a waste of time. This is just more of what I always experience with FOO. I am the last and least important. Of course, now I feel guilty feeling any pity for myself when my poor father is dying of lung cancer. Nobody who has lived to 91 should die of cancer...they should die peacefully in their sleep...My mother died of brain cancer. We were estranged and it did not hurt like this, but I felt the same way about her...that nobody should die that way. It just seems cruel and wrong. Why would God do this? I guess I'll find out later.

    Thanks for being here. I can't express these feelings to anyone else. Nobody else would understand.
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2016
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    He may think he is protecting you because of the accident.
    I think you may be leaping to this conclusion.

    First, I would not trust what your sister tells you. Second, remember how it was for you after your accident, when you were out of it and everybody else was afraid and stressed? Your Dad just found out he is dying. Even at 91 it is a shock. Let him get settled. He will call.

    This is the horribleness of our families. We jump to the worst, based upon our histories with them. How could we do otherwise? Your our handling it well. Watch football. What else can you do?
    Serenity, I do not believe this is a shun. Try to not go there. You are doing it to yourself this time, I think.
    Yes. Give him a day or two.

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  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Copa, this isn't really true. He has been telling my sister and brother how badly he has been feeling for six months. He didn't tell me, even before the accident. It's like I'm the only one he won't confide in. He has hinted that his condition is because he used to smoke.My sister and brother had already figured out he had lung cancer long ago, but he had refused to see a doctor until now...and even now it was a struggle to make him go to ER. But this was only a surprise to one

    If he wanted me in his last days, he'd contact me. Right now he is well enough to at least call me today, as he promised, to let me know where he is and how he is doing. But he hasn't.

    I'm not jumping to conclusions yet. I am waiting to see what happens. That's all I can do is wait. And wait. Because he won't tell me anything.

    I am puzzled, yet it figures, ya know?