My daughter broke into my parent's house...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Jun 25, 2010.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    So. That whole "enforcing boundaries" thing? Yeah.

    My daughter had an 11pm curfew here at our home. She couldn't ever make it. We've been sticking to our guns telling her if she can't be home by 11pm, she needs to find somewhere else to stay the night. The 2nd night we enforced this she went nuts. Screaming, swearing, threatening.

    She was high or wigged out, I don't know.

    She called at 10pm, said she was coming home.

    She didn't.

    11:30 she said she was on her way soon. Husband said forget it. Door's locked. Fit thrown. She sounded like she was on something, he said.

    2am she wants to come home. Sounds normal. Husband denied her.

    2pm the next day she calls and says she "did something bad" and "guess what it was."

    Turns out she broke into my parent's house (they're out of town). She broke in, threw some things around, took a shower and stayed there for the night. She called on private so we wouldn't know where we were. Of coarse, we were heading out of town to spend a nice day with family. Always something to ruin our time.

    We didn't turn back. Instead I called my parents, told them, and let it go.

    Haven't seen her since. She's called a few times. Says she's moving out of the city, to Chicago (a place where she's run to before - big city, big problems).

    She's go no money, no job, no NOTHING. But she's taking off to flop house with someone in a big city.

    So I'm a hot mess, worrying, angry, sad. Mostly scared. I haven't shown that to her, but it's eating me alive.

    Detach. I know.

    I'm so worn out. So tired of this game. So tired of worrying, the disappointment. I should be relieved she's going, getting away. But I'm not. I'm worried. Concerned.

    She wants to come here tomorrow to stay overnight, get her clothes, and then be picked up here the next morning to leave. I don't know if I can take the drama, to be honest. I feel like her life mission is to torture me.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. Do what you think is best, because there is no right answer. I hope that she will be safe.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Witz is right. I am sorry that you are hurting and scared. Have you tried Narc Anon or Al Anon? They might help you handle these feelings.

  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry, Bean. I've been away a couple of months but saw your threads last night. There is no good answer here, just the hope that your daughter will stay safe and come to see the need to make changes. Wishing safety for her, and peace for you. {{{hugs}}}
  5. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thanks guys.

    Yes, I've been to Al-Anon. I'm hoping to get there tonight. I have some difficulties getting there (transportation/time), but really do need some support right now. I don't have any.
  6. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    This sure sounds like 24 hours of misery. What would happen if you put this on YOUR terms rather than HER terms? What would happen if you said "no" to the overnight thing and tell her it's okay to come pick up her clothes the next morning? Put it on yourself. Tell her it's because you would have so much trouble with having her there to spend the night, knowing it would be her last night there. Then YOU pack her clothes (and whatever else you think she should take) and leave it for her outside in a safe place and you plan to be out for the day?

    This is similar to what I did with difficult child. I was SO glad I packed her things myself, because in doing that I was able to "save" some things that I thought might be important to her later--or that I considered important to me. My gut feeling was that whatever she took was likely to be lost at some point, torn up, etc. I'm referring to things like pictures, certificates, sentimental items she had collected over the years. The irreplaceables. Later, when things had calmed down a bit, I explained to her that these things were still hers, but that I was just going to keep them for her for a while, until she is more settled, so they would be in a safe place. She actually seemed to appreciate that.

    I would just DO it. Don't ask, don't tell, just let her arrive to find her things neatly packed outside your house, without you there to be at her mercy.
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    : ( I can't think of anything more upsetting than stealing from your family. Maybe physical aggression is worse but the idea that a child will break in to her grandmothers house is pretty low.
  8. Bean

    Bean Member

    We did decide that we would bring her her stuff. She wanted to come here so she could take extras (shampoo, conditioner, etc.). We're contemplating buying her some of these things to send along. I don't really want to, but probably will. I doubt it will be appreciated, but I can't give it expecting that. She seems to be at a total using point where it doesn't matter who she steps on, how anyone else feels - if she's able to get what she wants by any means she will. So, she won't be coming here and upsetting her brothers, creating drama. Sentimentally I'd love to have her here, sleep in her bed. Hold onto her as long as I can. But sentimental stuff hasn't served me well in the past.

    I am thinking, though, that we should verify her address and the person she's staying with. I'd like to get an address and call them prior to releasing her things. If she's so stupid to make the mistake of going there homeless, or lying about where she's with, there are bigger issues than I know of.

    My mom is missing 2 necklaces. Their sentimental value is more than their actual worth. She's also missing her camera.

    I hope and pray that she will be OK and that being completely on her own with none of her family to use will give her new perspective. I hope she'll be OK. I wish she weren't a user.
  9. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    So sorry Bean! I know it'll be hard but I wouldn't buy her any extras to take along, nor would I call and verify anything. I'd tell her she can sell the necklaces and camera to buy shampoo and necessecities. You could call ahead and find out whatever, and then chances are she'll ditch that plan or mess it up within a few days/weeks anyways. There is no right answer, I'm just giving you my gut reaction. ((((Hugs)))) Detachment is SO DANG HARD!!!! But I have found, it does get easier with time. I just recently had to brush up on my skills, and they came back quite nicely! Thanks to all the warrior parents here, I'm back on the right track for myself again. My difficult child continues to make poor choices, but it's his life and I don't need to control his actions anymore.

  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs Bean, I'm sorry you're inthis predicament and you daughter is using. You're doing everything right and I'm glad you are preserving you and your familys sense of peace. Hugs~
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so sorry. This is beyond the beyonds.
    We've had situations before were we did purchase hygeine items for our difficult child and on a limited basis, still do this for her. Items like soap, toothpaste, etc. You might consider doing this.
    Your parents should consider contacting the police, especially if valuable items are missing.
    I too am glad you are doing your very best to get to Al Anon meetings, preserve your family's sense of peace and move forward.
    I DO believe these meetings (Al Anon or FA) are very important.
    If you are not doing so already, please consider the services of a licensed mental health professional to help you keep focused.
    One more might have to move to the next step...repercussions when boundaries are not adhered to...There is much going on here. (hugs).
  12. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thanks all.

    I'm kind of convinced she needs to go either to prove to herself or to everyone else that she can make it. If she puts that determination to good things, I believe she will. But if she keeps on the same patterns... who knows.

    I'm very sad right now. Scared and hurt. But know full well that this is a part of life. I did end up taking myself to a meeting, and it was good. Just happened to be 2 other moms with difficult child daughters, and it was nice to just know I'm not alone.

    My daughter same to get her stuff. I did end up picking up some shampoo, conditioner, razors, shaving cream, toothpaste, little things like that. No thank you, no nothing. Just the same smile she always gives when she's enjoying herself. It's probably part of the oppositional thing. But I gave her very little to be oppositional about. She didn't want much to do with me. A hug from me. Her brother refused to hug her. She was going out tonight to party it up. So much revolves around drama, and when she can tell everyone she's going off to the Big City and be the spotlight of the drama -- it's probably worth it just for that. The last 2 nights she's partied. Probably not the best sign.

  13. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry it's come to this. I wouldn't bother checking into where she's going, honestly, if you can stand to do that. Sometimes I just think it's better not to know these things.. than to find out she's not prepared and to add that to your worries. She's made this decision, shes got to figure out how to make it work. Easier said than done, though, I know. These kids have a way of surviving somehow, though, even when things look bleak.

    I'm glad you got to Al-Anon.
  14. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    As mother to a 17 year old myself, I completely relate to your worries.
    As a former teen difficult child, I wonder why I never saw the concern my loved ones had for me and the reasons why.
    I will say however, that it is incredible the level of survival skills some teens come up with. I began running away from a small northern community to the streets of Toronto at about age 12. At age 14 I lasted over 6 months there before police found me. And nary a thought crossed my mind about people worried for me, or the stupidity that were my decisions.
    I'm very sorry to hear that your teen is going through this and putting you all through this.
    I'll keep your daughter and you all in my thoughts and hope that she learns quickly that she needs a plan, a life plan, and refocuses herself.
  15. vja4Him

    vja4Him Guest

    My sister stole a bunch of stuff, some of it expensive, from my mother. My sister also has some of my things that I've asked her to return to me. We don't hear from her anymore. I've had to just let it go ..... It's sad to see my sister end up like this .....