My daughter is a bully!

[Bean]

I'm not one who likes to walk on eggshells, which might be why we have so many issues with Daughter Bean. My daughter is accustomed to bullying and manipulating her way in or out of everything. To avoid conflict, everyone in our family (grandparents) will most often just go along with what she says, or give her rides, money, etc. to get her off their back.

Today she had a job interview - great news. But last night she left, saying she'd be home by 11pm (curfew in our house), and called at 1am to say she wasn't coming home, disturbing both my husband's and my own sleep.

Today she waltzes home about 11am, lounges around, gabbers on the phone, pacing the house. By 12:30pm I told her she better get a move on and figure out bus schedules to get her her interview.

Bus?! Are you (expletive) serious?! You expect me to take a BUS to my job interview?!! I thought you were taking me? I have to (expletive) get ready. It's hot out. This is (expletive) (expletive). Nobody gives a (expletive) (expletive) about me, this is what I mean. I'm treated like (expletive) constantly. I do what people tell me to do and you should be happy I have and interview, but what is the thanks I get? (expletive) (expletive) on. What a bunch of (expletive)!!!

Chaos and panic ensues, swearing and stomping. A few minutes later she appears again to tell me that her grandpa (who she was verbally abusive to last time he drove her around) would take her.

I put my foot down, printed out the bus schedule that she could take (easily - we have fabulous metro service here), called her grandpa and told him he wasn't needed. He was relieved, but confused because of the frantic phone call from Daughter Bean.

Basically I was told I was a string of swear words, that I was purposely trying to ruin her life, and that she was contemplating killing herself because of all this. A 30-minute tirade ensued. In front of all the kids.

I was able to get her off to the bus (her issues made us late for our own appointments) and the last thing she told me is that she hopes I feel guilty for being such a (swear word) when we find out she slashed her wrists tonight and is dead.

This said to me in front of my 16-year-old.

This all because I insisted she take responsibility for herself and ride the bus to her interview.

I suppose I could have catered her around so she could have time to do her hair, and and laze around like she wanted to and avoided all conflict. But it's not within my nature to do that. I don't really see it as helpful. Why should I have to rush around so that she can hang out as late as she wants, sleep as late as she wants, so she can get limo service all over town?

But everyone else does, so I'm the jerk. I'm so tired of this. I'm so relieved my husband is off tomorrow because I'm at the end of my rope.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh boy, I swear I heard some of those exact words from Oldest when she was still living with me LOL. Add in "I'm done with this family!" and they could be twins

I know it's exhausting. Steel yourself as best you can against the nastiness. Honestly, after awhile it all became almost comical to me... the tirades were so childish and irrational. Of course, laughing at her tirades only infurated Oldest more!

 

[trinityroyal]

Bean, I think you're doing exactly the right thing to stand your ground.

1) Your difficult child will learn that she can't get her way by bullying you.
2) Your other children will learn that they can't get their way by bullying you.
3) You will lead them by example. Eventually they will get tired of catering to difficult child, and they will have your example as a template when they are ready to stand up to her. And they know that you will back them up, because you've shown yourself able to stand up to her.
4) If you're the "meanest mom in the world", it means you're doing it right.

My difficult child is also a bully, and I also don't put up with his (expletive).

Sending hugs, and a coat of polish to put a nice shine on your Warrior Mom armour.

Trinity

 

[DaisyFace]

Bean--

This kind of difficult child behavior is exasperating! My daughter is also a bully, tho she is younger than yours.

Somehow, they feel they have the right to call you names, threaten you, and be downright CRUEL and NASTY whenever they want - and that you should still be standing by, ready and willing to do them favors at a moment's notice. I don't get it.

 

[hearts and roses]

I was able to fill in all of the expletives! Because I've heard it all from my own difficult child... Lol.

Good for you for standing your ground. Everything trinity said is true-you are setting an example for those other Beans behind her.

Bravo, wish I took a harder turn earlier with my own!

 

[witzend]

If you were L's dad, you would have bought her a car, keep the tank filled, paid her insurance and phone, and a $10,000 a year allowance. What the heck is wrong with you? Don't you know how a Princess is supposed to live?

I'm sorry she was so awful. You did the right thing. Good for you for calling Grandpa!

 

[Andy]

My Diva is also much like Bean 1 thinking that we will always meet what she preceives as her needs. And amongst the nasty attitude she will demand that we do something such as give her a ride to an interview. Her worst years were 14 yrs - 18 yrs old. When she was at her absolute nastiest (about 17 yrs old), I would also stand my ground and tell her, "You are not to ask ANYTHING of me until you can be nice to me for one month." Being nice meant the whole yard of respectful attitude and words, not just stop cussing/yelling. Ignoring me would not count. Whenever something came up, I would repeat that and as she started sharing her favorite cuss word I would tell her that the month was starting over. The first time I gave her one month which took her about 3 or 4 to live up to. After that I may have changed it to a week and it took about 3 to 4 weeks the first time at that level.

So, I turned my back on her. I don't allow others to treat me like that and if husband ever even considered it he would be out of the picture so fast so why should she be allowed to?

She has come around - still has a moment now and then but life is getting better as my signature indicates she hates me less and less each day. We ended up working the same area at our local fair for nine hours (nice conversations) and she still wanted to go to a town an hour away with me the next day. Progress!!!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Um, did you take my difficult child in?? That sounds EXACTLY like her!!!! Good for you for keeping your ground!!

 

[JJJ]

:clap: :clap: :clap:

You did awesome!!! Way to hold your ground - even if she never learns, you have set a great example of boundaries for your other kids (something they are going to need to deal with her for the rest of their lives).

 

[Bean]

It is exhausting. But I feel better being exhausted from having run the race, than having avoided it, if that makes sense.

Somehow, they feel they have the right to call you names, threaten you, and be downright CRUEL and NASTY whenever they want - and that you should still be standing by, ready and willing to do them favors at a moment's notice. I don't get it.

YES. That was our talk last night after she got home and asked for some other favor. Daughter Bean, do you even remember what your last words were to me? It floors me.

 

[witzend]

YES. That was our talk last night after she got home and asked for some other favor. Daughter Bean, do you even remember what your last words were to me? It floors me.

Yes, but she has gotten over it. Why haven't you?

 

[Bean]

But of coarse!