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My daughter is a prostitute
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<blockquote data-quote="Slimothy" data-source="post: 687212" data-attributes="member: 20314"><p>It’s really good to be supported by others! And to have affirmed it’s good to take time for myself. It seems so odd to even think that time out from my communication with my daughter under these circumstances is obvious thing to do but for me, it seems to go against the grain of who I am. It’s certainly different to the pattern of open and frequent communication we used to have.</p><p></p><p>After years of parenting alone, I started to see a space coming up to focus on me, starting when my youngest son was about 15. I was thinking ‘what-now’ that my days will not be filled with parenting in a few years’ time. I started to make plans for me back then (6 years ago) and approached the man who I liked very much, and started a relationship with him. This was the same time when my daughter was diagnosed with Crohn’s.</p><p></p><p>Living so far away from her, I was hot and cold in my commitment to my newly formed relationship because I felt I was abandoning her in her time of need. I applied and got a job where she lives and then the job offer was later withdrawn and I hurt like heck thinking of walking away from a man I loved. Then I decided I can travel back and forth to help my daughter and I started an automatic payment into her bank account to pay rent for an art studio for her. She was in a relationship with a bully (that’s now over), although I didn’t know that about him at the time. If I had of known she was being abused by him, I would have placed ALL my needs on hold and moved to be with her regardless of having a job or not.</p><p></p><p>Funny how it’s all panned out. I ended up married and she ended up acting on her beliefs of free for all with sex, while supporting herself financially totally now. When I learned she was a prostitute, I stopped financially supporting her.</p><p></p><p><strong>Scent of Cedar</strong>, thank you so much for affirming I am on track taking time for me. Yes, my daughter and I will see the therapist together in November. My son gets married later that month and it has crossed my mind that my daughter may want to make a display of her non-conformist ideology, as she did at his engagement. So I worry about her having a microphone in her hand at the wedding (saying inappropriate things, for shock value) and think she will be open to having sex with his friends or any other wedding guests who are like minded. I think this would damage her relationship with her brother. When we see the therapist, I have decided to politely advocate for my sons day to be about HIS ideology and not hers, while realising I cannot control what she does. It’s awful to have these worries instead of just the pleasure of the day!</p><p>-You mentioned drug use can be behind a change in behaviour. She sure has changed! I think this is down to her awful relationship ending and her having surgery to have some bowel removed. I don’t think she is using drugs but could not be certain. She went through a lot of contemplation after her surgery about her rights to control who touches her body etc. I think she’s now taken body ownership to an extreme, although this is just my opinion. She’s going to the gym daily and is pedantic about her food, which is positive seeing she has Crohn’s. My impression is that she is rigid about taking ownership of her body now, and wanting it to be in top notch. So much so, I think she is likely to have a sense of gratification that a man has to pay her to touch her. She told me that she has never felt better about herself in her whole life, since being a prostitute.</p><p></p><p><strong>SomewheerOutThere</strong>, you have knowledge of Crohn’s. A surgeon once told my daughter that if they had to wish one disease on Hitler, it would have been Crohn’s. She was actually abused when I think about it, by Healthcare professionals who did not explore what she was saying about was happening for her. Their disbelief started to make her think she was going crazy. When finally diagnosed after four years of pretty extreme suffering, she is now taken very seriously by professionals here and treated well. I feel soooo sad to think of her having sex with all these men, who know nothing of her fragility and vulnerability regarding her self-esteem and body image. They would not have any care about her wellbeing. As she said, she 'provides a service'. She has been so underweight; truly I worried about her going out on a windy day. I am not kidding. She is looking and feeling a lot better now and has gained a few kilos. Despite this, her body is more up for grabs now, at her own choice, than it was when she felt disempowered by health professionals. I have stopped looking at the tweets for the place where she works, but she was named in one under her pseudonym name while a rugby game was on. It went something like ‘guys, after the game, XXX will be here. Come and get your fix’.</p><p></p><p>I thought my daughter is somebody’s FIX...it made me feel sick.</p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Pony girl65, </strong>I really hope prostitution stays illegal in the United States. The way woman are advertised here is horrible. My daughter thinks I am old school and made a comment to me one day about ‘in your day’. I really find it hard to think of her facing consequences for her decision making but know like us all, this is how we learn and what makes us strong. Although I chose to step back and take time away from her, she was not keeping in contact with me anyway. If she thought about it, I have always had her best interests at heart and feel sad to be cast aside like an old hat, by her.</p><p></p><p>What I understand too, is how hard it is to not tell family members. It’s like my daughter's (and your step-daughters) behaviour flows down to all of us. The nature of the sex industry is that it operates in secrecy. That’s what the men like about it, especially the married ones! But it has been going on long-time on and we have these awful secrets. I think you have been incredible to keep your lips sealed, while hearing things said that are not true. I wasn’t able to, so now have stepped back for a while, not just to keep me from saying stuff, but to protect the threads of a relationship with my daughter from snapping completely. I understand your comment that your mother in law would have a complete nervous break down if she knew. I had one very dark day last December, when I considered jumping off a bridge! I didn’t want to die, but I wanted to float and not be connected to anything. I told my husband and have promised myself and him not to ever go there again, but I understand that knowledge can take someone to a breaking point, and how ignorance is BLISS. I think you are so kind and you respect your mother in law enough to spare her from grief.</p><p></p><p>I considered that your step-daughter and my daughter seem to both be attention seeking. I think that the places where sex workers go (brothels and strip clubs) may both be similar places in that they are the centre of their customers attention. It’s weird how they choose this work because it seems they want to shine to people, while it’s where they have altered identities and/or are hidden, and they are full on out-there to people who actually don’t give a damn about them and likely would deny knowing them in another environment. On the flip side they damage the relationships they have with people who love them unconditionally. One sad day they will come to see this for themselves. In my case, the damage is serious and I don’t think we can ever be the same again.</p><p></p><p>Like you, I struggle to let go of the shame of it. I think you have wisdom, staying in the middle of it and remaining silent. If you have any advice here about shame, please let me know. Last night I thought about forgiveness. Maybe I can start there, to try to help me to let my shame go.</p><p></p><p><strong>TanyaM </strong>You really touched on a point that has caused me so much of my pain, and that it is heart-breaking to watch our kids choose their life path, and our hopes slip away. When my daughter told me she was a prostitute she said some of her friends were Ok with it, and she hoped one day I would be too. She may as well have poured acid on me! I think you may know what I am saying here too? I thought of the hopes I had while pregnant, the years of investing in her (and I’m not talking about money) to reach her potential. Its all slipped away…we are incomparable to friends. Thanks so much for your comments to me. Also, saying you did not think I was blind and thoughtless being in my mothers brothel, was so good to see. I suppose when I did open my eyes to the horror of the sex industry, I was gone, rapidly.</p><p></p><p><strong>Tiredof33- </strong>you also affirmed what TanyaM shared- let go of the guilt. ‘It’s not your fault’. THANKYOU. Why do I (we/ woman/mothers) do this, do you know? Does anyone know…why do we own the choices of our adult children and get down on ourselves for them? For me, it’s as if I was an awesome parent for some of the time, and an Ok parent for the rest of the time. I was an awful parent on the occasional bad day. But now that something has come up (her being a prostitute and training to be a dominatrix) that has blindsided me and I absolutely believe this will harm her (even if she is 31 and it was her choice), I have felt somehow I let her down…like I failed to do enough for her. I know this is silly of me to say this. Its irrational actually. This personal discomfort with her situation is like wearing a coat with no buttons, <u>hard to get off</u>.</p><p>I like your comment with your signature; 'he marches to a different drummer'. I think that of my daughter too. We are similar in age with similar histories from what I see.</p><p></p><p>To everyone here, I am so glad I found you. I have felt supported, understood and validated by every comment you all made. Not only that, I have read others stories and some others here are going through horror in their day to day lives; so much so that I just cannot imagine their pain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Slimothy, post: 687212, member: 20314"] It’s really good to be supported by others! And to have affirmed it’s good to take time for myself. It seems so odd to even think that time out from my communication with my daughter under these circumstances is obvious thing to do but for me, it seems to go against the grain of who I am. It’s certainly different to the pattern of open and frequent communication we used to have. After years of parenting alone, I started to see a space coming up to focus on me, starting when my youngest son was about 15. I was thinking ‘what-now’ that my days will not be filled with parenting in a few years’ time. I started to make plans for me back then (6 years ago) and approached the man who I liked very much, and started a relationship with him. This was the same time when my daughter was diagnosed with Crohn’s. Living so far away from her, I was hot and cold in my commitment to my newly formed relationship because I felt I was abandoning her in her time of need. I applied and got a job where she lives and then the job offer was later withdrawn and I hurt like heck thinking of walking away from a man I loved. Then I decided I can travel back and forth to help my daughter and I started an automatic payment into her bank account to pay rent for an art studio for her. She was in a relationship with a bully (that’s now over), although I didn’t know that about him at the time. If I had of known she was being abused by him, I would have placed ALL my needs on hold and moved to be with her regardless of having a job or not. Funny how it’s all panned out. I ended up married and she ended up acting on her beliefs of free for all with sex, while supporting herself financially totally now. When I learned she was a prostitute, I stopped financially supporting her. [B]Scent of Cedar[/B], thank you so much for affirming I am on track taking time for me. Yes, my daughter and I will see the therapist together in November. My son gets married later that month and it has crossed my mind that my daughter may want to make a display of her non-conformist ideology, as she did at his engagement. So I worry about her having a microphone in her hand at the wedding (saying inappropriate things, for shock value) and think she will be open to having sex with his friends or any other wedding guests who are like minded. I think this would damage her relationship with her brother. When we see the therapist, I have decided to politely advocate for my sons day to be about HIS ideology and not hers, while realising I cannot control what she does. It’s awful to have these worries instead of just the pleasure of the day! -You mentioned drug use can be behind a change in behaviour. She sure has changed! I think this is down to her awful relationship ending and her having surgery to have some bowel removed. I don’t think she is using drugs but could not be certain. She went through a lot of contemplation after her surgery about her rights to control who touches her body etc. I think she’s now taken body ownership to an extreme, although this is just my opinion. She’s going to the gym daily and is pedantic about her food, which is positive seeing she has Crohn’s. My impression is that she is rigid about taking ownership of her body now, and wanting it to be in top notch. So much so, I think she is likely to have a sense of gratification that a man has to pay her to touch her. She told me that she has never felt better about herself in her whole life, since being a prostitute. [B]SomewheerOutThere[/B], you have knowledge of Crohn’s. A surgeon once told my daughter that if they had to wish one disease on Hitler, it would have been Crohn’s. She was actually abused when I think about it, by Healthcare professionals who did not explore what she was saying about was happening for her. Their disbelief started to make her think she was going crazy. When finally diagnosed after four years of pretty extreme suffering, she is now taken very seriously by professionals here and treated well. I feel soooo sad to think of her having sex with all these men, who know nothing of her fragility and vulnerability regarding her self-esteem and body image. They would not have any care about her wellbeing. As she said, she 'provides a service'. She has been so underweight; truly I worried about her going out on a windy day. I am not kidding. She is looking and feeling a lot better now and has gained a few kilos. Despite this, her body is more up for grabs now, at her own choice, than it was when she felt disempowered by health professionals. I have stopped looking at the tweets for the place where she works, but she was named in one under her pseudonym name while a rugby game was on. It went something like ‘guys, after the game, XXX will be here. Come and get your fix’. I thought my daughter is somebody’s FIX...it made me feel sick. [B] Pony girl65, [/B]I really hope prostitution stays illegal in the United States. The way woman are advertised here is horrible. My daughter thinks I am old school and made a comment to me one day about ‘in your day’. I really find it hard to think of her facing consequences for her decision making but know like us all, this is how we learn and what makes us strong. Although I chose to step back and take time away from her, she was not keeping in contact with me anyway. If she thought about it, I have always had her best interests at heart and feel sad to be cast aside like an old hat, by her. What I understand too, is how hard it is to not tell family members. It’s like my daughter's (and your step-daughters) behaviour flows down to all of us. The nature of the sex industry is that it operates in secrecy. That’s what the men like about it, especially the married ones! But it has been going on long-time on and we have these awful secrets. I think you have been incredible to keep your lips sealed, while hearing things said that are not true. I wasn’t able to, so now have stepped back for a while, not just to keep me from saying stuff, but to protect the threads of a relationship with my daughter from snapping completely. I understand your comment that your mother in law would have a complete nervous break down if she knew. I had one very dark day last December, when I considered jumping off a bridge! I didn’t want to die, but I wanted to float and not be connected to anything. I told my husband and have promised myself and him not to ever go there again, but I understand that knowledge can take someone to a breaking point, and how ignorance is BLISS. I think you are so kind and you respect your mother in law enough to spare her from grief. I considered that your step-daughter and my daughter seem to both be attention seeking. I think that the places where sex workers go (brothels and strip clubs) may both be similar places in that they are the centre of their customers attention. It’s weird how they choose this work because it seems they want to shine to people, while it’s where they have altered identities and/or are hidden, and they are full on out-there to people who actually don’t give a damn about them and likely would deny knowing them in another environment. On the flip side they damage the relationships they have with people who love them unconditionally. One sad day they will come to see this for themselves. In my case, the damage is serious and I don’t think we can ever be the same again. Like you, I struggle to let go of the shame of it. I think you have wisdom, staying in the middle of it and remaining silent. If you have any advice here about shame, please let me know. Last night I thought about forgiveness. Maybe I can start there, to try to help me to let my shame go. [B]TanyaM [/B]You really touched on a point that has caused me so much of my pain, and that it is heart-breaking to watch our kids choose their life path, and our hopes slip away. When my daughter told me she was a prostitute she said some of her friends were Ok with it, and she hoped one day I would be too. She may as well have poured acid on me! I think you may know what I am saying here too? I thought of the hopes I had while pregnant, the years of investing in her (and I’m not talking about money) to reach her potential. Its all slipped away…we are incomparable to friends. Thanks so much for your comments to me. Also, saying you did not think I was blind and thoughtless being in my mothers brothel, was so good to see. I suppose when I did open my eyes to the horror of the sex industry, I was gone, rapidly. [B]Tiredof33- [/B]you also affirmed what TanyaM shared- let go of the guilt. ‘It’s not your fault’. THANKYOU. Why do I (we/ woman/mothers) do this, do you know? Does anyone know…why do we own the choices of our adult children and get down on ourselves for them? For me, it’s as if I was an awesome parent for some of the time, and an Ok parent for the rest of the time. I was an awful parent on the occasional bad day. But now that something has come up (her being a prostitute and training to be a dominatrix) that has blindsided me and I absolutely believe this will harm her (even if she is 31 and it was her choice), I have felt somehow I let her down…like I failed to do enough for her. I know this is silly of me to say this. Its irrational actually. This personal discomfort with her situation is like wearing a coat with no buttons, [U]hard to get off[/U]. I like your comment with your signature; 'he marches to a different drummer'. I think that of my daughter too. We are similar in age with similar histories from what I see. To everyone here, I am so glad I found you. I have felt supported, understood and validated by every comment you all made. Not only that, I have read others stories and some others here are going through horror in their day to day lives; so much so that I just cannot imagine their pain. [/QUOTE]
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