Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by danib, Nov 2, 2016.
i can't even say it ,,this is driving me crazy i have so much anxity i dont know where i went wrong
Can you give us a back story? Don't blame yourself. We can't control how our adult children choose to live. Obviously daughter has low self esteem but there has been a lot more than you that brought her to this..it wasn't because you failed her. You actually loved her very much.
DNA maybe from reckless people on either side, peers, teachers, life experiences, mental illness, drug use, anything. We don't own our adult children and can't control what they do.
Please try to calm down. Stressing yourself won't change anything. Hugs and hang in there. Most of us have very different grown kids......
You have found a safe place to come and share. You will not be judged here.
I am so sorry for what you are feeling but please try to understand this is not something you did, your daughter made this choice.
If you feel like sharing more of your story please do so as it helps us to understand and it helps you to get it out.
Danib, you took the first step coming here and posting. I hope you are able to post more of the story. This is a safe and judgement free space. I'm sorry you're in pain.
Welcome, danib. So sorry that you are filled with so much anxiety. The others who have posted are correct - this is a wonderful supportive community and you may share as much or little as you are comfortable with. You will not be judged here.
Please take some time to work on healing yourself. Your daughter is an adult and has made choices. You are not responsible for it. I can only imagine the stress you feel.
Sending hugs and prayers your way.
When she gets arrested, they will give her a choice of going to a treatment center or counseling center or staying in jail. If you bail her out, she goes right back to the business. Jail is safer. There are several girls in my city whose lives could have been saved if they had been forced to stay on jail longer.
And I agree with the others. This is time to reach out for support, to think about your own recovery and to cry as much as you need to. Right now, to the extent you are able, try to be easy on yourself and coddle yourself.
Even though it is not the time to face the reality of the situation you find yourself in, I will write a little bit to at least start the conversation, for when the time comes to deal more directly with the reality of things. Because the foundation of all of this, is that her choices most likely have not a thing to do with you.
Our kids often blame us, and hurl responsibility on us, for mistakes, or doing this or not doing that. Healing will come in large part from making strong boundaries, and recognizing that NOW she is responsible for herself, and you for yourself.
Because laws differ, depending upon where you and she live, there may not be legal ramifications. But as says Crayola, if there are, for her own welfare she cannot avoid any legal consequences.
Most of us are in your situation where our beloved children behave, make ethical decisions, and have attitudes with which we do not agree, which may cause us shame, and which frighten us terribly.
None of us really knows what is the right thing to do at any given moment (If we think we do, it is about other people's children--not our own.) All of this is what unites us--our fear, heartbreak, lack of understanding, indecision, inability to relax, and our self-blame and self-doubt.
The thing is you do not deserve self-accusation. None of it. And it does not help.
Let me address for a minute your daughter's choice to participate in the sex industry. Attitudes of young women can be very different from our own. Those that think this way may see this as a legitimate life style choice, as empowering, and a business decision. (*I will editorialize here: How could they? I do not know.)
But attitudes have changed. These same women may see the compromises that we have made in relationships and marriages as questionable and undesirable.)
Now. If drugs are involved. Or if she is doing this for self-abasement. Or because she is being victimized or under the influence of bad people. That is quite another thing.
At the end of the day, we all of us, have to figure out the extent we have any control over them, our adult children. And until your daughter is ready to change, what actually, are your choices?
Separate names with a comma.