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My daughter is going to be homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 707053" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Jesllo, you have gotten good thinking here from some seasoned folks. I read your initial post a couple of times. Like most of us, we are "all about them." We worry, we fret, we try, we "help"...over and over and over...and most of the time, nothing. ever. changes. It can seem endless. Your story is the same.</p><p></p><p>I remember one time reading here on this forum this thought: If we're more worried about them than they are about themselves, nothing will ever change. </p><p></p><p>That thought helped me so many times when Difficult Child would hunch down in his chair, not answer when I tried to talk to him about his situation and basically sulk and be non responsive. He would "wait me out." It always worked, because i couldn't stand not to...do something. All I ever knew in my life when faced with a problem or a tough situation was to...take action. I had never before practiced waiting and silence and turning my energy onto myself. After all, I was fine, right? He was the one "in trouble."</p><p></p><p>We moms here, especially we moms, have to flip this whole thing upside down. We have to change the way we are looking at the situation. They are grown people now. They are adults. It's up to them to live their own lives. This seems obvious, but it's not for many of us. We have a life, and they have a life, and we can't live it for them.</p><p></p><p>You have gone way way above the call of duty here. Now, it's time to let them experience the consequences of their own choices. Their choice not to get jobs and not to have money to pay rent and guess what? That means you have nowhere to live. My son lived in his car, and when that car was finally gone---yes, he lost that too---he was homeless. Before he decided to take hold of his own life (and that happened 2.5 years ago), he was sleeping on a bench outside in the winter about 2 miles from my house. This, after he had gotten out of jail for the 8th or 9th time, finally scared straight, so he says now, about the prospect of prison. It had to get to that point before he was ready to start growing up, taking responsibility and making something happen for himself. </p><p></p><p>This stepping back, that we have to do before there is a chance for change, is the single hardest thing I have ever before done in my life. Like you, I love my child. It nearly killed me to watch him get to that point. But nothing else ever worked. Today, he has a full time job with benefits as an electrician, he has his own place to live, he has goals and money in the bank, he goes to work every single day, he is sweet and kind, and he is rebuilding his life, inch by inch by inch. </p><p></p><p>Like my husband always says: It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take him a long time to walk out of the forest.</p><p></p><p>Please know that we here understand as perhaps few others can. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 707053, member: 17542"] Jesllo, you have gotten good thinking here from some seasoned folks. I read your initial post a couple of times. Like most of us, we are "all about them." We worry, we fret, we try, we "help"...over and over and over...and most of the time, nothing. ever. changes. It can seem endless. Your story is the same. I remember one time reading here on this forum this thought: If we're more worried about them than they are about themselves, nothing will ever change. That thought helped me so many times when Difficult Child would hunch down in his chair, not answer when I tried to talk to him about his situation and basically sulk and be non responsive. He would "wait me out." It always worked, because i couldn't stand not to...do something. All I ever knew in my life when faced with a problem or a tough situation was to...take action. I had never before practiced waiting and silence and turning my energy onto myself. After all, I was fine, right? He was the one "in trouble." We moms here, especially we moms, have to flip this whole thing upside down. We have to change the way we are looking at the situation. They are grown people now. They are adults. It's up to them to live their own lives. This seems obvious, but it's not for many of us. We have a life, and they have a life, and we can't live it for them. You have gone way way above the call of duty here. Now, it's time to let them experience the consequences of their own choices. Their choice not to get jobs and not to have money to pay rent and guess what? That means you have nowhere to live. My son lived in his car, and when that car was finally gone---yes, he lost that too---he was homeless. Before he decided to take hold of his own life (and that happened 2.5 years ago), he was sleeping on a bench outside in the winter about 2 miles from my house. This, after he had gotten out of jail for the 8th or 9th time, finally scared straight, so he says now, about the prospect of prison. It had to get to that point before he was ready to start growing up, taking responsibility and making something happen for himself. This stepping back, that we have to do before there is a chance for change, is the single hardest thing I have ever before done in my life. Like you, I love my child. It nearly killed me to watch him get to that point. But nothing else ever worked. Today, he has a full time job with benefits as an electrician, he has his own place to live, he has goals and money in the bank, he goes to work every single day, he is sweet and kind, and he is rebuilding his life, inch by inch by inch. Like my husband always says: It took him a long time to walk into the forest. It's going to take him a long time to walk out of the forest. Please know that we here understand as perhaps few others can. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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