My daughter is in jail!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Nov 12, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hey everyone, I hope all is well with all of you. I haven't been on in a while, a lot going on here. I will try to make this as short as possible.

    Update on my crazy life:

    Where do I begin? For starters, my husband lost his job. He has worked for this company as a sales rep for 8 years, he has never missed his quota and has been a hard working loyal employee. He is ranked number 2 out of 600 sales reps. He gets awards all of the time, he is good at what he does. He makes good money, far more than the other reps, so that is why we think he got fired, they dont want to pay him the big bucks anymore!!! So we have been stressed about that, with Christmas right around the corner and rent due, we are pretty much screwed.

    My lovely daughter stole our debit card and went shopping. A while ago we had requested a duplicate card as the strip on the back no longer worked. The old card was supposed to be null and void once we activated the new one, well, that never happened. So last Friday we were having our weekly meeting with our sw, my daughter was getting ready to go out. She came out of the bathroom not realizing that her shirt was up, I noticed in her pocket was what looked to be my debit card. I questioned her and demanded that she give it to me. Of course she said it wasn't mine it was her friends. Me and the sw were asking to see it, she refused to let us see it and walked out the door. So my husband checked in his wallet to make she hadn't taken ours. It was in the wallet. At that point we didn't realize she had taken the old one that was supposed to be cancelled. A couple of days later my husband got a few e-mails from the bank saying that there were irregular charges on our account. Sure enough my difficult child had stolen our old debit card and went shopping!!! We were furious. She has never stolen anything of monetary value from us before. We leave cash around all of the time and she has never taken any of it. My husband was as mad as I had ever seen him. I thought he was going to kill her. We called the police and an officer came out to the house to take a report. Meanwhile the day before my daughter had the nerve to call me and brag about the pretty boots she had gotten. What nerve!!! To steal our debit card buy boots and then tell me about them, no remorse whatsoever!!! Anyway, my daughter wasn't home when the cop was taking the report. We gave him a brief history of what life has been like with her. He said that this was a felony and she would be arrested and go to jail. Real jail, not juvie, she is 17 now and considered an adult in the eyes of the criminal court system. So he told us to call the station when she got home and he would come back out to the house and arrest her. Not five minutes later she walked in the door. I asked her if she had anything she wanted to tell us and of course she said no. We told her about the e-mails and she got really angry and said we were lying and called us a few choice words. (the nerve) So I then showed her the police incident report and she got really nervous. She tried to get out the door, so I am in one room trying to keep her in the house and my husband is in the other calling the station. She goes out the front door and says she needs to go to the store. As she is leaving the cop pulls up and she has a look of panic on her face. He tells her to come back in the house so we could all talk. As she is walking in front of him he bends over and picks up, what I later learned was my debit card. She had thrown in on the ground. We get inside and she starts telling her lies. The cop lets her play the game a little before he shows her that he picked up the debit card from the ground. I started crying whe I saw that he had it. I guess there was just a flicker of hope left in me that she didn't really do this, but when I saw the card it made it all real. I was devastated that she would do this right when my husband lost his job. I felt horribly betrayed as did my husband. Anyway, the officer cuffed her and took her to jail. She spent the night in the police station and was given $500 bail. She was calling us crying and begging us to bail her out before they sent her up to the county jail. We of course did not bail her out. The next morning we went to court. The DA actually did not want to send her to jail. He felt badly that she is mentally ill. My sw and I explained to the DA that we had tried everything to help this kid, she had been throught the family court system already and had already been place into 3 different rtcs. We asked that he put her in jail so she could see that there are real consequences to her actions. He was reluctant but he did it. He said that he would let her go to jail just for a few days. So he and her lawyer explained this to the judge privately and the judge raised her bail to $10,000 to ensure that no one would be able to bail her out. We have to go back to court on Friday and she doesn't know this but thats when she will be let out. I was surprised that the court worked with us. They were actually empathetic to my daughter's situation which made me feel better knowing that they actually care that she is mentally ill. In the meantime she is calling us crying and really feeling it. GOOD!!! However, still no remorse, she is saying that this is our fault, how can we put our own daughter in jail, she still not taking any responsibility for her actions. She hates jail though!!! I am hoping that the outcome will be probation with stipulations that include weekly therapy, medication compliance and curfews as well as drug testing. We'll see....

    I still cannot believe we put my daughter in jail and pressed charges on her. It hurts like HECK, but I know I did the right thing. She has to learn one way or another. I am hoping that this experience will make her want to change her life. So far, I dont see anything in her but rage. She is very angry. She has to know that when you commit a crime you will be punished whether it is against your parents or a stranger the outcome will be the same. I am hearbroken, very sad, but I do not regret this one bit. We have done and gone through so much for her that this was a slap in the face. Especially given the fact that my husband just lost his job. She is by far the most selfish human being I have ever known.

    I have such an uneasy feeling, I am very uncomfortable in my skin right now. Even though I know we did the right thing it doesn't feel good. I cant sleep and I cant stop thinking about this. It hurts and I am drained. I just cant take anymore. When does this get any better? We are all just so worn out and beaten down emotionally. I feel as though I am walking around in a daze. Pinch me, I still cant believe this is my life. I never thought in a million years I would be forced to put my child in jail. What a life!!!

    If you got this far, thanks for sticking it out. And once again, thanks for listening. :)
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm so sorry for your hurting heart.
    I understand the feeling of betrayal. We also have money in the open. If they ask they may have change or whatever. If they take it without asking it is theft. You wonder how they can steal from their parents. I know it's the self absorption of their mental illness that makes it all about them. Doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

    I have to say I would be sick if I sent my difficult child to jail but I would have done the same thing in your situation. A few days is better than repeated felonious behavior in the future.

    Don't let her guilt you. She should feel guilty stealing from the people who love her the most. Turn it back to her choices and her behavior. She's lucky you and husband will show up at court on Friday. At this point many parents have given up. You are still trying to do the right thing for her to have a life.

    Hang in there. Try to rest up and realize that if there were an alternative you wouldn't have gone this route.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Bran, so sorry that it came to that, but you did the right thing.

    I agree that you need to hold firm, and this might be your opportunity to set new house rules that your difficult child MUST comply with. She's answerable to the court now.

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}} for your hurting heart. It's never easy to watch your child suffering, whether it's from their own bad choices or not.

  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    been there done that---have the scars on my heart to prove it. It doesn't sound like she has learned anything. I would refuse to allow the court to release her into my custody. Tell the judge everything. Maybe they can find a group home or a TFH that can handle her. You and your family deserve peace. She will not allow you to have it if she comes home blaming you for her choices.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Five days won't kill her. Maybe it will wake her up. (((Hugs)))
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm so sorry you all are having to go through this. However, I also believe that you did the right thing in allowing the natural consequences to play out. She is VERY fortunate to have had such a sympathetic and lenient judge handling her case. I hope they set up the probationary requirements exactly as you need them to be, and that during that time and the programs she will hopefully have to go through she gets the supports and treatments needed to get her stabilized and back on the right path.

    The financial mess is lousy to be in, but it will pass eventually. Talk to your landlord or mortgage company about the situation. Talk to your creditors. People have hearts and hopefully some solution will come up for you.

  7. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    I can't offer any advice, but here are some {{{HUGS}}} for your hurt. I'm so sorry it has come to this

  8. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Hugs to you. I can't imagine your pain. She is making really bad choices, but this maybe an opportunity to get her the medical help she needs. She has to understand when she messes up you won't be there to clean it up.

    You are brave and did the right thing. Stay strong. Kudos to the court system for realizing what they were dealing with.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have the scars on my heart too. We sent our difficult child to juvie. The court did not want to do that either but our attorney explained that we had tried everythingand she needed a serious wake up call. Even though we caused this to happen my heart was very heavy and I felt sick to my stomach.

    In our difficult child's case it really helped. She hated it and brings it up from time to time as why she will never cross that line again. I hope she means it. Of course your daughter blames you. That is part of the sickness. Mine did too. It took a long time before she realized it was her own doing.

    I hope this is the wake up call she needs to get her life back in order.

  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hugs, Bran.

    From where I stand, she didn't give you much choice. Hopefully this will be a wakeup call for her that she can't walk on others.

    I'm impressed by the system you have there that is working with you. Kudos to them to at least try to do something.
  11. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. The financial portion is stressful enough on it's own. I think you did the right thing for difficult child also. Hopefully she can walk away learning something & not blaming everyone else for her mistake.
  12. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. My heart goes out to you.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    First, {{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}} for having to go through this. There are so many thoughts going through my head about your daughter, in particular, as well as our difficult child's in general.

    Knowing that you saw the card and then using it anyway instead of throwing it away or stashing it shows that her thinking is clouded. But it also seems logical that she knows right from wrong, otherwise she would not have lied about it. Ergo, she made a conscious choice.

    She also counted on it that you would not prosecute it. She was wrong. If I were you, I wouldn't fall for the guilt trip. It was absolutely her choice that she chose to steal. It was absolutely your choice that you chose to prosecute her. No matter how much it hurts, do not apologize to her. Make sure the moment she walks back in your door that if she steals - or breaks the law that you know of - again, you will call the police again and you won't bail her out next time, either.

    You drew a line in the sand. Don't erase it by letting her know it was as hard on you as it was on her. No one learns the lesson that way.
  14. Mayapple5

    Mayapple5 New Member

    been there done that too, different circumstances but same results. I sat here and cried as I read your post, remembering back when. It is painful to go through, yet it's exaclty what they need, to be held responsible, to grow up. The ladies are right, You won't have peace unless she accepts her own part in all of this and quits blaming you. There comes a time we have to let them go but keep loving them. It can be done. You can do this.

    Sorry about husband job, there is a reason for this, too. Something better will come along.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    OMG hugs of huge proportions -

    We did turn our son in. It certainly DID do him good for keeping his nose out of trouble however it created a whole other set of problems that we cant' seem to get help with-

    I hope for the best in your they DO recognize your dds illness - wait until she turns 18 thought - and GET EVERY PROMISE IN WRITING.....TODAY - because it ALL changes when they are 18 and looking for a job and get convicted for a felony - it changes a LOT.

  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Bran. You did the right thing. She left you with no choice. Hopefully she'll figure things out while she's in jail, and she'll make some changes for the better.
  17. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all so much for your support, kind words and much needed hugs!!! I hope she learns something from all of this too. So far the only thing she said was that she would never steal from US again. She spoke to my sister twice today and did say that she was wrong for stealing from her step-father after all he has done for her and the fact that he lost his job. She also told my sister that if she got caught stealing from a store they would never throw her in jail - duh!!!! What is wrong with this kid? She is ranting and raving and mad as heck that we turned her in. She says she is starving because she cant eat that nasty food. Oh well!!! She is very upset as they have her in a cell block with all older women, in her words "there is no one she can relate to". Well when you go to jail my dear you don't get to pick your roommates!!!

    I am very proud of myself for being strong enough to go through with this. I know logically I did the right thing, but my heart hurts!!! Even when we talk to her we still aren't very nice to her at all. I am not sympathetic to her living situation right now, she brought this upon herself. I really thought I would fall apart at the sound of her voice, but I didn't. In fact the more she refuses to take responsibility for this the angrier I get. I don't feel bad that she is hungry or mad or scared. She deserves every bit of this. She isn't sorry for doing this, she is sorry she got caught.

    Witz, I thought the same thing. She had every opportunity to give back that card when I saw it or get rid of it. She made a choice to use it knowing we knew she had it. A bold move on her part. She had a lot of nerve to use that card anyway!!! Just a reminder of the lack of respect she has for anyone. She now is saying that when she gets home she is packing her things and taking off. She says she has somewhere to go. We'll see. I told that to my sw, even though at this point there is very little that we can do as she will be 18 in 3 months.

    Thanks again, your support really means a lot. I will keep you all updated.

    God bless. :)
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just saw this. I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. I'm glad you know you did the right thing even though it hurts. Gentle hugs.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    If he was a jerk and had a great job it would be ok? Nope. Not getting it.

    Honestly, I'd pack her stuff for her and have it ready to go when she gets out. Let her know that thieves are not welcome in your home. That's not to say that you might not work something out, even right away. But she needs to know that you mean business and this won't be tolerated.
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm so sorry i'm late to this, i haven't been on all day.

    I just wanted to say i'm proud of you also, you made a very difficult decision yet did it with your daughte'rs best interests at heart. I like the fact the court worked with you also.

    I truly hope this is a wake up call for her. Just remember you did the right thing. It must of been hell plain and simple, I cannot even imagine.

    Just stay strong when she gets out, she will attack most likely. Yet someday she will realize you did it because of your undying love for her.

    (((( hugs)))))