My detachment is slipping...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I've come to the conculsion that detachment is like riding a bicycle up hill. The minute you stop pedaling, you start sliding backwards.

    I must of relaxed a little and slowed down on my pedaling because now I have to make up some ground.

    There isn't any one big thing that happened, just a bunch of little things that got the best of me.

    1) I finally finished the quilts for my niece and nephews. It took a while because the tendonitis in my thumbs has been acting up. But, they are done and ready for the mail. But, I can't find the address. My address book fell apart last fall and I guess that is one of the lost addresses. Should be no big deal, but these kids belong to one of three sister-in-laws that refuse to talk to me. Sent off a text, FB message and an e-mail for a request of the address to mail the quilts, no response from any of them. So it stings....still/again.

    2) In the weekend mail, we got an invite to mother in law's 60th b-day party. They've had no contact with us since they took us to court for the child support. And husband has had no contact with them either. So all the invite did was to remind us of the dysfunction of this relationship. So another sting....

    3) Steph & my Mom. Can't convince my Mom to keep stuff about Steph to herself. She thinks she is helping by pointing out that Steph still has a heart, but all it does is stabs me in mine..... Told my Mom yesterday that Ant would be at her house for Easter dinner. So she has to tell me that Steph stopped by to visit last week. I didn't need to know that! All it does is rub in the fact that the kid wants nothing to do with me - the step-mom, but can go out of her way to visit MY parents. I'm bad for/to her, but my parents are okay. So...even more stings.

    What bothers me the most is that I let these things sting me!! Why does it bother me? And why, when I get to a spot where is doesn't bother me, do I feel like a hard-hearted witch?? Do you ever get to a spot in the middle ground where you don't end up in tears because of the dysfunction around you, yet still have a heart soft enough to feel?? I'm tired of this stupid see-saw....I'm so hard nothing gets to me...I'm so soft I hurt at every little thing....up/down, up/down, up/down....
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I had posted a long time ago about losing touch with my second cousins....children of a very close cousin of mine who died. I am friends with their grandmother. Eventually and on occassion I hear from them. I cam to realize with the help of feedback, that teens in particular aren't too great about responding to adults in general and particularly about things like addresses or anything they might find "mundane." They are in their own world and this world often/usually does not allow them to be empathetic in any way, shape or form. Teens, in particular, are almost like two year olds...asserting their independence, exploring the world around them....fearful of the future...yet anxious to experience it. They are a mess. It is hard for them to maneuver it all. So, you can make a request, but it is a good idea to "detach..." meaning not to expect too much and to not let their actions (or inactions) bother you. If there is a responsible adult relative you are close to...consider it a blessing and work with them. This is probably your best bet. If this doesn't work....try again in a few months or around a holiday.....think of something creative. Whatever you do....avoid any attitude along with it. HARD...yep. And then, reconsider doing anything like this again. Save your special talents for special people. This is not to say that some of these neices and nephews wont come around in the future. Lay low. Stay quiet. Wait and watch. In the mean time....explore what you like to do and who you like to do it with. Hang out with people who appreciate you and show it. Believe me ... I "get" this. It is not easy. But you do not have much choice. Do not give away your power. You are not mean for chosing to detach. You are being a mature, responsible adult...facing reality. You are actually choosing to be happy. What you've been doing hasn't worked. Chose to enjoy life with those who are willing and able to appreciate and acknowledge your generosity and kind spirit in the here and now.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nomad worded that wonderfully.

  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I second that wonderfu! Bravo Nomad, very brilliantly put!


    and my quilt colors