Childofmine
one day at a time
MomNLTD---I am so sorry. The time my son got arrested for the two felonies---selling drugs---I was standing there. I had come to take him to get the emissions on his car tested. He was very worried about driving a car without valid tags, so he asked me to come and drive it to the emissions testing with him. Bitter irony as he was over-worried about this possible violation when he had done so many things---so many times I am sure without getting caught---including selling drugs. The felonies were from two years prior---a fact that he felt he had to repeat over and over again, as if that made any difference at all.
My son has been in jail multiple times over the past five years. At first, I put money on the account, visited, wrote letters, sent cards, sent all kinds of prayers and motivational sayings, etc., sent books from Amazon...I did everything they would allow a visitor to do.
Over time, and over his multiple jail stints, I slowly stopped doing it all. I found out they play a lot of cards in jail and they use the money in their accounts to "pay off" when they win or lose.
My son always said the food was awful, but he would gain weight in jail, and get really skinny outside of jail, when he was using drugs and not eating.
It's so hard. I learned over time that I was way more worried than he apparently was. He kept doing things and going back to jail. Stealing from employers, shoplifting, possession, public intoxication, breaking probation...on and on.
I have learned the hardest possible way that he is going to do whatever he is going to do---regardless of how many psychiatrist appointments, therapy appointments, diagnoses, calls to lawyers and judges, what the police do or don't do, say or don't say, medication he takes, my crying, begging, pleading, reasoning, stopping helping, starting helping, etc. etc. etc. Because none of it was about me or his childhood or how good a mom I was or the fact that his parents got divorced...or anything else under the shining sun...except him making a decision to stop and do the hard, hard work of change. Today, at age 25.5, my son seems to be doing that. He has been out of jail this time for six months and is working two jobs and living in an apartment---after being homeless for nearly two years.
I know it seems like your son's arrest---coming one hour before the appointment---is a near-miss. But for this, that would have happened, and perhaps saved him. But Mom---very likely not. Perhaps you can look at it differently as the days pass, and perhaps come to accept that THIS is the path he needs to take, this time, instead of THAT path.
Over time, I have come to see this: Things happen. I am not in control of any of it. People make choices. And then they have to live with the consequences of their choices. Perhaps this is not only the way it is, it is the only way that some people grow up. The hardest possible way.
I don't pretend to understand it---I just have to accept it.
You and I didn't take the path our sons have taken. My other son didn't either. Most of the people I have ever known didn't take this path. I have never been involved with police, jail, lawyers and courts until my son started all of his pattern of self-destruction. My worst offense in my life has been a speeding ticket.
All people are different. They have their own journeys. You have your journey. I have mine. Our sons have their own journeys and they must make that journey.
It doesn't stop the hurt, and I so know that. If you can turn the bright light of focus away from him---just start the process---and start working on yourself, over time you will start to feel better, regardless of what he does or does not do.
We love our children very much. I do, and you do. But once they are grown, they have to make their own choices. This has been very hard for me to learn.
Warm hugs. I am so sorry for your pain, and I so understand. Please be kind to yourself right now, very gentle with yourself, and do at least once nice thing FOR YOU every single day. Please keep posting. We get it and we care.
My son has been in jail multiple times over the past five years. At first, I put money on the account, visited, wrote letters, sent cards, sent all kinds of prayers and motivational sayings, etc., sent books from Amazon...I did everything they would allow a visitor to do.
Over time, and over his multiple jail stints, I slowly stopped doing it all. I found out they play a lot of cards in jail and they use the money in their accounts to "pay off" when they win or lose.
My son always said the food was awful, but he would gain weight in jail, and get really skinny outside of jail, when he was using drugs and not eating.
It's so hard. I learned over time that I was way more worried than he apparently was. He kept doing things and going back to jail. Stealing from employers, shoplifting, possession, public intoxication, breaking probation...on and on.
I have learned the hardest possible way that he is going to do whatever he is going to do---regardless of how many psychiatrist appointments, therapy appointments, diagnoses, calls to lawyers and judges, what the police do or don't do, say or don't say, medication he takes, my crying, begging, pleading, reasoning, stopping helping, starting helping, etc. etc. etc. Because none of it was about me or his childhood or how good a mom I was or the fact that his parents got divorced...or anything else under the shining sun...except him making a decision to stop and do the hard, hard work of change. Today, at age 25.5, my son seems to be doing that. He has been out of jail this time for six months and is working two jobs and living in an apartment---after being homeless for nearly two years.
I know it seems like your son's arrest---coming one hour before the appointment---is a near-miss. But for this, that would have happened, and perhaps saved him. But Mom---very likely not. Perhaps you can look at it differently as the days pass, and perhaps come to accept that THIS is the path he needs to take, this time, instead of THAT path.
Over time, I have come to see this: Things happen. I am not in control of any of it. People make choices. And then they have to live with the consequences of their choices. Perhaps this is not only the way it is, it is the only way that some people grow up. The hardest possible way.
I don't pretend to understand it---I just have to accept it.
You and I didn't take the path our sons have taken. My other son didn't either. Most of the people I have ever known didn't take this path. I have never been involved with police, jail, lawyers and courts until my son started all of his pattern of self-destruction. My worst offense in my life has been a speeding ticket.
All people are different. They have their own journeys. You have your journey. I have mine. Our sons have their own journeys and they must make that journey.
It doesn't stop the hurt, and I so know that. If you can turn the bright light of focus away from him---just start the process---and start working on yourself, over time you will start to feel better, regardless of what he does or does not do.
We love our children very much. I do, and you do. But once they are grown, they have to make their own choices. This has been very hard for me to learn.
Warm hugs. I am so sorry for your pain, and I so understand. Please be kind to yourself right now, very gentle with yourself, and do at least once nice thing FOR YOU every single day. Please keep posting. We get it and we care.
