My difficult child still in jail - sad, hopeful,despair.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Havehadenough70, Jun 21, 2013.

  1. .....and sometimes i don't feel like getting out of bed. It's been three months since he violated probation. When he went to court for the first hearing, his PO wanted him to get two years in county jail. The ass DA wanted him to stay in jail until mid September and then suspend his sentence and the lawyer i got him wanted him to be put back on probation. Ultimately, the judge went with the DA and difficult child has been sitting in jail since march 7th. He will return to court on September 18 for the official sentencing.

    difficult child has completely changed his attitude and taken responsibility for what has transpired in his life. His letters from jail are heartbreaking and makes me so sad. He has kept busy in jail volunteering to work outside the cell doing some cleaning and serving food to the inmates which gives him extra time to stay out than expected. He is also going to the jail church sessions. On the other hand he looks much healthier than when he got there and so humble and i am thankful that. And most important he is clean from drugs. But there are days when i feel so much despair and guilty of what i did or didn't do as a parent to contribute to his woes. But i am hoping that he has now learnt a big lesson and will turn his life around when he gets out. Thanks for reading thus far, i just wanted to write something down to feel better.
  2. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It took my difficult child many trips to jail before he finally decided he didn't like it there - and maybe it finally sunk in that he had to follow some rules to stay out of jail. Going to jail was bragging rights in the group he hung out with.

    Many times they will be sentenced to time served. Prayers for you during this difficult time. I think it is harder on the parents than it is them.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HHE, I'm sorry you are so sad, I understand how you feel. However, we can't know on a deeper level exactly what our children need in order to grow and get healthy. Since this is how it turned out, I would focus on the positive events, how healthy he is, his volunteering, the time without drugs and his humility. Sometimes we have to allow them these difficult times so that they can learn and become healthy. Just think down the road a bit, how will you feel in a year, if he pulls his life together, is in a healthy lifestyle and doing well? You will look back and understand he needed this time to grow up.

    While he is away, take care of yourself, nourish yourself, put the focus on you and what your needs are. Right now, there is nothing you can do anyway, so find support, go to a 12 step group, there are helpful ones for parents that others here really get a lot out of. Find a therapist. Get a massage. I just heard about a book here on this forum called When parents hurt by Joshua Coleman, you might want to read it. There is a good article on detachment at the bottom of my post.

    *You suffering over where your son is does him no good and certainly doesn't enhance your life. Do something you love every day, practice enjoying your moments, be kind to yourself and put yourself first. You deserve that. I'm sure the last few years have taken a toll on you. There is no need for you to be miserable now, there is nothing you can do for him, it's out of your hands................go take your life back and find your joy..............hugs.........
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, sweetie, you didn't cause him to take drugs. Please don't add guilt to your plate. It's so not worth it. Some kids go through far worse than ours do and turn out fine and some of our kids have great family lives and get involved with bad peers then start doing things that are not healthy. I am so sorry you are so sad, but so glad he is healthy, drug free, volunteering, going to church and contemplating what he wants to do next in his life. This could be a positive turning point for him. Does he get any treatment in there?

    Focus on the positive and please PLEASE stop blaming yourself. We are all only one person. Our kids come into contact with so many other people...we are not their only influence.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont know if you watch the show Lockdown but most of those people could have written your post. They do juvenile prisons sometimes and even the kids know its their fault they are there. Honestly I have seen on those shows how many people really know that they did this to themselves and their parents are not to blame. You should blame yourself.