My difficult child's moods are all over the place.

[Kathy813]

I can't figure out what is going on. Yesterday morning, she called me distraught over the job. Last night, she came over and was fine. Even apologized that she had gotten so overwrought that morning. She went off to spend the night with boyfriend and everything seemed fine.

She came back this morning at 9:30am. We went off to the movie and had a late lunch afterward. She said that she was going off to see the boyfriend again later that night. Around 6:00, she told me that she was going off to see a friend for a little while and then would be back to get her groceries before she went off to boyfriend's house. Then around 9:00pm, she texted me that she was going to be back at 10:30. I texted back, "and then you are leaving to go to XXX's house?" She said, no, I want to spend the night at the house.

That's when the you know what hit the fan. We went back and forth in texts about her not understanding why we still didn't trust her when she was trying so hard. That it had been seven months and we still weren't willing to give her any trust at all. She said she would get up early in the morning and leave when we did but she just wanted to spend the night where she felt safe

I reminded her that the last time she said she would leave early in the morning when husband and I left the house, she had a temper tantrum when I made her get up and leave. I swore that I wasn't going to do that anymore. It made me so upset all day at school.

She tried to manipulate me into letting her stay saying that the boyfriend wanted her to spend the night with him at a friend's house where she knew there would be drinking. I told her that I paid for a place for her to live where there was no drinking so this decision was on her . . . not me.

I told her that I was going to call the director. She said she had already talked to him and he said that she needed to earn our trust back but that we weren't giving her the chance to do that. I called and left a message and he called me right back. He said that she was up and down there, too. He even commented on the fact that she said she was so tired from working in a hair salon. As he put it, "that's not exactly physical labor." I told him flat out that we didn't trust her yet and that it would be a long time if ever. He said he understood perfectly. He said he has been clean four years now and his parents have just given him keys to their house in case of an emergency but that they also live out of state.

He said he would call her back and talk with her. He also said it might be time to drug test her again. I don't know what to think of all of this. difficult child has used the term emotionally fragile about herself several times in the last couple of days.

I haven't heard back from her since he said he would call and talk to her again. He did tell me that he thinks she is still thinking we will give up and let her move back here. She also has mentioned going back to school multiple times when we talk. I think that he is right. She is still trying to wear us down and let her move back in here and attempt school again.

I just can't do it again.

~Kathy

 

[susiestar]

Even if you could let her move back in, it would not be a responsible parenting decision. She really needs for you to insist that she develop and adult life of her own, and letting her come back home would be sort of like trying to move her back into your womb when seh was four or five - just not healthy for anyone. She needs to get through this to learn that she CAN live an independent life. I don't know what makes her feel unsafe, it is probably a combination of things, but those are HER things to work out. She also probably likes your home more than wehre she is living now and likes the niceties of life that you have that no one starting out in life has until they work hard and earn those things.

The ups and downs may be a result of spending her days working with a man who shows very classic abuser patterns of tear you down viciously then praise you then rip you apart just as you think you are healing a little tiny bit. It can make even the strongest person feel fragile. But this is HER issue and something SHE has to experience and deal with. I do think a drug test is probably a good idea, because at least here the salons are one of the places where it is super easy to get drugs. It is one of the few careersthat a young lady can learn to do in tech school during the high school years and then get out and make a decent wage with-o going to college. It means that many of the people working in the salons have a bit of extra money at times and it is easy to get into drugs. Sadly the salons and the fitting room at walmart are the best non-university places in our town to get drugs. Scary,

You might want to think about sitting down with her and the director and challenging her statements that the director told her that you were not giving her chances to earn your trust. That is something that would really bother me. I strongly doubt that this was what the director told her, and maybe she is not understanding what is meant by needing to earn trust back. I think that the director is a good person to be part of the conversation because he needs to know if she is either not understanding him or deliberately misrepresenting what he did say to herself and to you. But this is just a thought and you need to handle it however will work best for you and difficult child and yoru husband. I just think maybe she is trying to fool herself into thinking that the director meant that you should let her spend the night and have access to your home when she wants and this is a pretty dangerous thing for her to do.

If she feels unsafe all the time then maybe some work with a dv center's therapy would help her learn to get past being a victim always waiting to be hurt? this seems to be a recurrng theme with her, and if she can deal with whatever is causing this then maybe she would be better able to find a good life partner and better employment options..

 

[exhausted]

Kathy, I am so sorry. when they get like this it is tough. They can't make decisions and solve problems like a normal person so we get the brundt of their emotional stuff! She isn't feeling happy and she is emotionally fragile. She has to weather this to prove to herself she can do it. It will lift her up if she rides the storm. I hope she will ask for support from the director and sober friends. A big hug to you and stay strong! Kite string, Kite string!

 

[Kathy813]

Sadly the salons and the fitting room at walmart are the best non-university places in our town to get drugs. Scary,

I didn't know that about Walmart. That explains why difficult child and her druggie friends in high school used to love to go to Walmart and hang out. I never saw the fun in doing that. It makes sense now.

Geez . . . why do I even have to know things like this? The fun never ends with a difficult child.

by the way, when I went out to the car this morning I realized that the groceries that I bought difficult child yesterday were still in my car. I thought she had brought them in and put them in the freezer. Now the frozed food is ruined. That's what I get for enabling her yet again.

 

[DDD]

Just sending hugs, Kathy. No words of wisdom today. DDD

 

[Tiredof33]

She could be stressed from the new job, but it does sound like she wants her old life back. It is amazing that our difficult child's do not want to grow up and accpet responsibility!!
My sister has a 34 yo son working 20 hours a week that she will never get out of her house. Another 2 relatives the same, all of these are males, but as was mentioned, they have cable, no bills, and a hot meal so they are very comfortable. Why move lol??? It would drive me crazy.

I read that we automatically fall back into our parent, child relationship when they live at home. Some adult kids don't want the responsibility, but I also think some of the adults must get something from it too.

My mother said my sister doesn't do his laundry. But when she washes clothes she grabs his towels or whatever and washes them with hers. I don't care how you word it she is doing his laundry!!

 

[Kathy813]

You are right. difficult child doesn't want to have to take care of herself. Her boyfriend is 26 and still lives at home and seems to have no desire to move out. difficult child mentioned them getting an apartment together recently so I brought that up last night. She said that the boyfriend doesn't have a job so they can't. I told her that since she was working she could take care of him. She said that he would like that. She also said that it wouldn't work because she likes to be taken care of, too.

 

[Nancy]

I suspect you will findout what is really going on soon enough. If your difficult child is anything like mine she self sabotages, everytime things start going well she causes drama and it all falls apart. I really hope that is not happening. I have found that our difficult child's do not know how to handle real emotions and that is why they self medicate with alcohol and drugs. And when things become overwhelming they revert back to their old ways.

Crossing my fingers Kathy that this is not really a setback and just some difficult child behavior.

nancy