Maybe this is another cultural difference between how we do things in Australia compared to how you do things in the US, but here, our kid generally are responsible for their own expenses once they are adults. Especially college fees. It's up to parents if they want to help out, but in general, kids here really appreciate it when parents help out because it is NOT the norm.
We do have various assistance options for kids going to college. Uni fees can be held over until the student is earning enough to pay it back - it's called a HECS debt (pronounced HEX with good reason!) and it can really cramp the style of our kids when they get married and want to buy a home and start a family, but still have tens of thousands in HECS to pay back to the government. Or they can get a student loan to cover various expenses, but again they have to be responsible and pay it back themselves.
Kid wants a car - kid has to pay for registration and insurance. And fuel. OK, maybe kid borrows parent's car. That again is up to parents.
If a kid is really committed to study, he has to own the expenses. easy child worked two jobs while studying full-time in order to cover her costs. She still is paying off her HECS debt, I believe. We did not give her any money, she managed by herself from 17 years old.
However, there are still Aussie families where parents do what you have been doing. Sis-in-law has paid the uni fees for her daughter and I feel this was a mistake. Niece has not had the same sense of "I have to make sure I don't waste the money invested in my fees" and so has spent a year simply not studying, refusing to work. She failed the year because she goofed off and has now declared she doesn't want to continue. Sis-in-law feels betrayed because SHE spent the money on a wasted year of uni.
I remember back in my own student days, I had to manage like easy child. But a friend of mine had her parents pay her college fees and she simply lay around and did nothing. Eventually she dropped out, when the course threw her out for failing to hand in any work.
As our kids get older, they begin making their own decisions. We don't always like those decisions but we have to understand that we have done the best we could teaching our kids the right way to live. Once we get our kids to a certain point, we've finished. There is nothing more we can do in order to guide them - they are off and running on their own. All we can do form that point on, is be there for them when they come to us and say, "I need to talk." You can't force it, the more you try to, the more they will become secretive about their choices.
As for "living in sin" - it's almost the norm these days. For the year before we married I actually lived in a three bedroom place with husband and our mutual best friend who ended up being Best Man. What husband & I chose to do (sharing a bed or not) was our business, nobody else's. My parents were happy I had males there for protection but also wanted to know, but also NOT know, if husband & I were sleeping together. So I made the decision to never tell them what they didn't want to hear.
With easy child - when she was 17 she had to live away from home in order to go to uni. She moved in with mother in law (who back then lived an hour's drive away, near the uni). After two years of this, mother in law sold up and moved to our village. At the same time SIL1 moved to go to the same uni as easy child so they moved in together. Back then there was no hint that they would ever marry, although it was obvious they were a coupe. They had to register on our welfare system as a de facto couple, so SIL1 could get the welfare payments he needed. For the next four years, easy child & SIL1 lived in a defacto relationship in the uni town. easy child graduated a year ahead of SIL1 and got a job. She supported them both. Then SIL1 graduated and got a job in another city. They moved together to stay together, easy child changing jobs to move with him. Then SIL1 moved to be near his mother - so again, easy child moved too. Then they got engaged, then married, last year.
They lived as de factos for 7 years. We had to accept this. They made the choices and knowing SIL1's past and how he was verbally abused and bullied by "Christian" people for being the "b*stard son of a crippled mother", we chose to not pressure them in any way. Instead, we set the example of the right way to treat him both as Christians and as the parents of the girl he loves. We laso set the example of how marriage is a good thing.
Now, in this time we still copped flax from other Christians. The hypocrisy of it still takes my breath away. One man, an elder at our church, works as a local builder. He was doing some work at our house and he said to me, "How do you and husband feel about your daughter living in sin? Surely you have shared with them how you disapprove of their living arrangements?"
Yes, I was polite. The best way to handle blokes like this is to help them learn that such views are wrong, judgemental and hypocritical. after all, his own kids are younger than ours and he simply hadn't had to deal with these sort of issues himself. Yet.
I simply explained to him about SIL1's past experiences and how he needed time to value marriage, as he really didn't have any decent benchmarks. I also suggested to our builder friend that he needed to be careful about his views because one day he might find himself needing to get back off the end of the limb he had just crawled onto.
Mog, if anyone gives you grief over your daughter's choices, tell them that you have raised her the best you could, and now it's up to her. She is your daughter, you love and support your child in the choices they make even when you don't agree with them. That way, when the midden hits the windmill, you are still on good terms with your child and they feel safe in coming to you. Otherwise, if you do the "never darken my doorstep again!" routine, where will your kids turn when they get into strife?
I am a firm believer in keeping open the channels of communication, as far as possible. Obviously there are times when you have to cut ties for your own protection. I don't think you're anywhere near that, with easy child.
Back when I was 18, I had a boyfriend who was pressuring me for sex but also claimed to be a Christian. It was my first real experience of hypocrisy. My mother didn't like this guy but she made him welcome and she didn't interfere. She was polite and friendly to him, she didn't hassle me about him being unsuitable - none of it. I knew how she felt but I also knew she was biting her tongue. So when I broke up with this guy, I was able to turn to my mother without feeling she was going to crow about it.
I saw my parents in law openly disapprove of sis-in-law's boyfriend. They were polite to him but frosty at times. They openly told sis-in-law that they felt he was a bad choice. They kept telling her. And sis-in-law moved further away from her parents and further towards this guy; when her relationship with him got rocky, she didn't feel she could confide in her parents because she felt they would pounce on the knowledge and use it as leverage.
Sis-in-law eventually married the guy, and I do wonder if at least part of the reason for her choice, was her parents' disapproval. She painted herself into a corner with him and was unable to ask them for advice.
Keep the doors open for your daughter, but also I would begin to make it clear - you have lost your job and therefore can't afford to pay her way. You have enough trouble paying your own way. Perhaps sit down with her and draw up a budget as well as give her some suggestions on how she can finance her ongoing expenses. At the same time, show her your own budget (as an example).
Perhaps that could be the most effective reality check.
Marg
) But at least from what you've put into the post, I don't see much evidence of boyfriend controlling her. Although she sounds fairly wrapped up in the boy, which in my opinion is somewhat typical for her age. Sounds to me like she has had a taste of independence and she likes it. easy child or difficult child, doesn't mean all her decisions are going to be good ones, or that you're going to agree with them.
