My Emotions Are Bonkers...Update on My Story

[SeaGenieTx]

I have been dealing with so many emotions over the ordeal with my only son. Honestly, I will never truly be happy and cheerful because the weight of my son weighs heavily on me every minute of every day. I've learned how to COPE and adjust to the situation but my heart is heavy.

But on a more humorous note I just had to write and talk about the wacky things that have happened this week.

My boss told me that she needed help forming a relationship with one of our important customers. I already have a strong relationship with this customer but her being my boss she asked me to direct this customer towards her more. I asked how she wanted me to do that and she said "You could be less knowledgeable in answering her questions". Seriously? So do I dumb myself down to make her look better? I told her establishing a relationship with that customer was her problem, I was NOT going to do anything differently. Touche'! My boss is obviously jealous of my excellent rapport and customer service I provide to customers. Her problem not mine. I'm so done with people steamrolling all over me.

Gets even better. I got home this evening and was relaxing and got a surprise text from my ex. Just said "Hi". Ok, quick recap on this... I dated this guy for a long time, he wanted to get married, I never felt it was right. We broke up once then got back together just to have companionship. We got along well and shared the same interests but he is very narcissistic (it's always all about him) and has a big ego. Well his ego took a major blow last year when he suddenly got fired. He claimed he had a lot of money but it was all lies, he was in debt like no other. When he got fired it all came crashing down around him and he started selling off everything because he was denied unemployment. Karma - he was an arrogant jerk to people who reported to him and higher ups didn't like this plus he fudged some numbers on monthly reports and got caught. I stood by his side after he got fired and actually saw a really nice guy emerge as he became very humble and appreciative, he said I was an angel because I was there for him emotionally, encouraging him that he will be ok, another door will open, etc. Then shortly after that - out of the blue he stopped calling me. Ignored my texts so I just figured he was embarrassed losing everything and being unemployed. I left him alone and went on with my life.

So today when he texted me "Hi". I texted him back "Unavailable, in a relationship" and sent a photo of me and a goodlooking coworker of mine. Sorry - I just couldn't resist. This was a Christmas present in itself because the guy did me wrong many times and I was nice and classy each time just ending things in peace. I waited for this moment - the jerk thinks he can just pop back up in my life? Awww hell no. He then tried calling me but I've had his number blocked on my cell since last year so it went to voicemail. No message just a brief sound of a radio playing in his car.

I'm lonely, I'm sad about the people I've loved and cared for who treated me bad but I will never be desperate for a relationship with anyone who treats me poorly. I value myself way too much.

Here is the craziest thing that happened. Since I've kicked my son out, I've basically kept the door to his room shut. I'm going in there every now and then to clean small sections and box up his things but say the last 4-5 days I haven't opened that door at all. I live alone.

Last night I woke up around 2:00 a.m. to adjust the t-stat in my hallway. I look down the hall at his room, the door is closed, but I kid you not the ceiling light is on in his room. To see his door closed and the light on freaked me out but I immediately opened the door and flipped the light switch to off, closed the door. Needless to say it was hard to go back to sleep.

This light has never come on by itself. My locks have been changed so my son did not come in the house... It was bizarre. Then today I realized it was exactly the 10 year anniversary of my oldest brothers death. He died from cancer. We became very close before he died and my son reminds me a lot of him. Not sure if the light was just a fluke but my lord, what a crazy week - my emotions are all over the place.

Then I see my son posted a video today on Facebook titled "When you finally tell your parents off" and it's a kid screaming f-you and obscenities to his mother. And in another post right after that one he is calling the person in the video a f***tard (it's a girl trying to pierce her ear with a hole punch). I swear I did not raise my son to be so rude and disrespectful. His other posts are all pot/cannabis related pics. I'm so proud of him (Not!).

He has not made any attempts to contact me and since he hung up on me last phone call, I will not make any attempts to call or text him. No presents for him for Xmas that's for sure!

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sea, you sound really strong in spite of all the crazy stuff going on all around you, sheesh, when it rains, it pours.
I know what you are saying about having a heavy heart. It is a difficult time for everyone dealing with the shenanigans of d c's.
Your boss.... Really? Be less knowledgeable, that's what is wrong now a days, incompetent management worried about being outshined by good work ethic. Ergggg. Good job in being who you are Sea.
Then this ex calls you? Ugh. Sea, what a week for you. Glad you stood strong there too, hold out for someone worthy of your attention!
That is really weird about the light. Stuff like that happens to me, I say a quick prayer.
After the last incident with my two, I stopped looking at their Facebook stuff, too depressing. I do not know what's got into these young ones today, so radical. I did not raise mine to be like that either.
The continuing saga........my goodness Sea, what a week. I hope you are able to relax and breath, things slow down a bit.
Hang in their girlfriend. You are amazingly strong and tough. Proud of you in standing up for yourself on all fronts.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Thank you Leafy! I hope I can be a light for others as I am standing up for myself a LOT lately! Just so tired to being taken advantage of for being a good kind person you know? No more pushover! Ive started listening to meditation videos on YouTube - helps take that anxiety edge away a bit. Thank u for your encouragement!

 

[New Leaf]

Right on Sea, kind and loving does not equal a rug to be tread upon. Keep your chin up and keep letting us know what's up. It is great to hear folks sticking up for themselves, especially when it concerns d c's, too. Yay for team SeaGenie!

 

[Nancy]

Hey Sea, I like your moxie. I agree your boss is jealous of you. Something I found when in the business world was that women bosses (many of them anyway) had a difficult time with very competent employees. It threatened them. I had a much easier and more satisfying time working for a male boss. That's sad and not as it should be but sadly it is.

Love you response to ex. You are much too valuable to be discarded so casually and then expected to come running back. I wish more women would learn that.

The comments my daughter use to make on facebook literally made me sick. Until one day when one of her high school friends told her off and said that what she was doing to her family was shameful. Of course her druggie friends all supported her but those that knew our family understood what the story was. I had to stop looking at her facebook for my own sanity.

Hey look at it this way, you will save money this year. Seriously you sound stronger and I am glad to see that. I know your heart is heavy, but you are doing well taking care of your own well being. Eventually your son's fast and free living will catch up to him and he will have to face the music. In the meantime continue to rock it at work and look for joy in little things.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Moxie - I LOVE that word and have been thinking about this comment for days as it made me feel so good. Thank you! I will post an update later - I've had such peace for the past two weeks - living my life and focusing on work, staying positive. No word from my son but each week gets easier for me. I have been helping this older man who said he felt suicidal and depressed - he works on equipment in my office building and he said he just couldn't seem to cope. I realize so many people are sad and have problems that they can't handle very well so I'm using my strength and MOXIE to encourage others to not let despair consume them. We are all fighting battles. You just CAN NOT let your mind go to that dark side. I've learned controlling my thoughts is HUGE. Gotta stay positive and force yourself out of doom and gloom - so much worse sh** is happening out there. I read the best book "Don't let your kids kill you" - it has by far been the best book I have read on dealing with your kids addiction. In fact I read it twice and am re-reading it again this weekend. I highly recommend it.

 

[New Leaf]

HI Sea

I've had such peace for the past two weeks - living my life and focusing on work, staying positive.

OMG, you sound fantabulous. It is so uplifting to read your post.

I'm using my strength and MOXIE to encourage others to not let despair consume them.

This is great, I am sure these folks appreciate your encouragement.

I've learned controlling my thoughts is HUGE. Gotta stay positive and force yourself out of doom and gloom - so much worse sh** is happening out there.

Mom always said, "There by the grace of God, go I." It is true, Sea, we have many blessings to count.

"Don't let your kids kill you" - it has by far been the best book I have read on dealing with your kids addiction.

Think I will see of the library has it, sounds interesting. Thanks so much for checking in Sea, I am glad you are feeling your old self, more and more. YAY!

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Nancy]

Sea I am so glad that you felt good about yourself because of something I said. You are doing terrific and you are so right, we just cannot let our minds go to those dark places. Do you have any idea how different you sound from when you first came here? I am so proud of you. It is so true what they say in alanon, we have to change, we have to learn how to find joy in life. When we do that we will find out life is so much better. We cannot change our loved ones but we can change out outlook. Merry Christmas Sea!