My ex and his shocking, stunning betrayal of our son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I will tell the short version. I need to vent and for once am totally empathetic and horrified for my difficult child.

    My ex has always had a "me" streak and a sort of life cluelessness and mean streak. I knew it was a bad idea for my son when he got his father to pay his legal bills so that he could fight for equal parenting rights of his son and then, as his ex moved and tried to eliminate him from his sons life, he went back to court to get the residential address from his ex so that grandson can continue going to the school that he has always gone to. Grandson is shy, but comfortable in his school and doing very well.

    Ex wants to yank him out of school to the one near where she now lives both for her own convenience and to make my son drive my grandson over an hour to and from school on his custodial days.

    Her move was strictly to put as much distance as legally possible between my grandson and son and to isolate them from one another but son went to court. My ex is finding the defense and threatens to cut son off constantly, although he adores grandson,
    And so far he has not cut him off.

    If grandsons mother did not keep on trying to separate son from grandson they would not be in court. As it is, ex has paid a ton to help my son won court case...but nothing is free. I get it. For having ex fund our son, son has to put up with a lot of fear, control and abuse from ex, and son is no peach either.

    This Christmas my son did not have his son at all and was very depressed about it. Usually they have to split time unless one decides to take son out of town. Grandsons mother exercised this option to leave town for Christmas and son has been talking to both myself and his father about how sad he was that she took son to Chicago to see her family and that he will not get to see U the entire time. A lot of her decision was to isolate grandson from my son. She does not like or see her own family That much. Her mission has been to keep our son from his kid although she is not very nice to my grandson herself and her new husband is worse to him.

    Son found out from grandson when he finally got him back that sons own father, who is paying tons in court to allegedly defend our son and grandson against sons ex 's constant.moves to separate them, met for lunch with son's ex wife, the husband of hers that cheated with her while she was still married to our son (and has slapped grandson across face), their own baby and Grandson. It was for lunch and ex claimed it was just to see J., who was uncomfortable with it, and he warmly socialized with them.

    He told Grandson in front of everyone not to tell our son about the meeting. But Grandson told him right away. He is a gifted eight year old and caught the betrayal and asked my son "can I not see Grandpa again?"

    My son confronted his father. Crying, telling him it felt like a terrible betrayal and my hunch his ex wife just wanted to fish for information she could use in the legal case and use against him. They are vn court on ex's dime because grandsons mother is hell bent on minimizing son's time with his child. Ex told him that he didn't do anything wrong, yelled and hung up. I know my ex. He planned this in advance and talked to my son about his sadness at not having his son for Christmas, all the while knowing HE was going to see grandson, son's ex, cheating husband and their baby.

    He told Princess before hand. Princess is not close to our son but she told her father it was a bad idea and wouldn't work. Ex did not expect J to tell our son. He thought that this eight year old gifted child would forget about it four days later. An eight year old isn't a toddler. They don't forget.

    So Son, afraid father may pull the money now, and feeling betrayed by his father, actually grew up a bit and decided to find a way to pay his lawyer if he has to do it on his own. He'd be very broke, but he makes good money and could do it by a hair.

    From my son's point of view their relationship (him and his father) lost so much trust that he doesn't want to see him again. Ex usually visits st. Louis about eight times a year. Son is done with him because he feels betrayed and he doesn't forget a grudge.

    The bottom line is son will have to grow up and finally pay his own lawyer and my ex just lost a grandson. Son, when talking to me, slid into nasty and called his father by his first name "because he's not my father anymore for lying to me and deceiving me and trying to get I to lie to me"

    J tells him everything.

    I am appalled by ex and puzzled. He sees J alot and didn't need to embrace all the people working hard against my son just to see his grandson for a few hours.

    It is what IT IS. Son will grow fast. My ex lost a son and grandson. For all his crying "how can he have done this to me" my son sounded more grounded, strong and determined to control his own destiny.

    So maybe it's for the best, but I, like son, feel like his father embraced the enemy. I did not repeat that to son, but I was horrified when I heard.

    My ex tried to call me I'm sure to complain about son's anger at him over this but I want no part of it. I talked to him once and saw he didn't get it so have been ignoring his further calls. The last thing I told him before getting off the phone was "I am not a part of this. It's between you and son."

    What a nigjt!!! I am so done with this
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2016
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Wow! What a mess. I'm glad your son is seeing that he can do this on his own.

    That's some thin ice to be treading on. I hope that by your son cutting off your ex, that your ex does not retaliate in some way by conspiring with grandson's mother.

    Does your son have any idea how much longer this will drug out in the courts before there is resolution?

    Good for you!!

    I do hope you have a Happy New Year!!
     
  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Wow just wow. I know its a betrayal on your ex part but he is his father and he is human.
    I think cutting him off is too much this is family we are talking about there can not be bonds broken for just this lets not forget he supported his son for years and all is erased for one mistake.
    Family comes with good and the bad you can not only take the good and run when the bad comes.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It is certain that his father betrayed him. But is there more to the story? Has ex been having a relationship with the boy's mother all along? It seems odd (but I'm sure it's possible) to have them meet out of the blue.

    Too much drama. I was telling my therapist last night how I am just too old for any more drama!

    I do think it's good that your son is going to stand on his own and if that is what came out of all of this, maybe it's a good thing?

    I hope that this all calms down and you have a Happy New Year!
     
  5. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    So sorry it has come to this. Hopefully son will grow from this and eventually mend his relationship with his dad.

    I've been thru the ugly custody battles and they just plain SUCK! Through it all, I made the decision to do the right thing always, no matter how bad it got and how much I hated what my ex was putting me and the kids through. He turned my oldest against me for a long time. But I remained constant. I kept being the mom I always was and eventually my son came back around when he realized I wasn't the horrible person my ex made me out to be.

    I hope your son and grandson keep a close bond through all of this.

    Smart move on your part to stay out of it.

    Hugs
     
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'd love to play devil's advocate here and say...maybe he just really wanted to see his grandson over the holiday...but the fact that he told Jr. not to tell his dad, tells me that he knew exactly how upset it would make Bart. At best it was poor, poor judgment on grandpa's part there.

    Smart move. Stay out of it as much as you can.
     
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Ex seems to thrive on drama and feels he has power since he gave money..as a gift I presume.

    Child is the one that suffers...sad
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is zero chance my son will forgive him for this nor will his father conspire with his ex wife. There is nothing to conspire.

    My son will cut him out. He sees this as sleeping with the enemy. His ex wife did not do this to be nice to her sons grandfather. She did it to mess with my son's head. Boy did it!

    And she upset grandson who knew it was not a good thing to do. He told his dad first thing. "This is huge! Grandpa went out to eat with Stepfather and Mother and I felt so uncomfortable I didn't say much."

    My ex can be sneaky and insensitive and even mean. He has no life (his own doing) except his grandchildren. Now he lost one.

    A dad, in our culture kids and parents often cut ties. I don't like it, not of is not unusual.

    I am staying out of this 100%.
     
  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Well I will not be so sure of it. Did this son ever said he will never talk to you again?
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No. But there is no way I'd do anything like that to him or to any of my kids.

    This son does not talk to his siblings. Nobody cares but he doesn't. He is capable of this. And his father is capable of accepting it. He's not a man who was close to his children, partly why I divorced him. He was a horrific uninvolved father. My kids find him "weird." I have often felt he may have Aspergers.

    At any rate, I am staying out of it.
     
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What an awful thing to do. Where was the upside to this? There was no upside that I can see. I could see it IF he wanted to try to end the custody battle, but that clearly was NOT the reason. IT seems such an odd thing to do. I honestly can see your son's point of view toward cutting his father out of his life. I know it will be hard to pay the attorney, but it is time for him to pay his own fees and do this on his own, rather than letting his father yank him around. I don't see any good coming from keeping Grandpa in J's life if Grandpa acts like this.

    I used to think that it was important to keep grandparents involved at any cost. Then I got married. I learned it was important to keep GOOD grandparents involved even if you didn't like them - if they are good to the kids then keeping a good relationship is important. But things like this? No, not worth it. Not good for the kids or worth keeping them in anyone's life. There are reasons no one hears about my actual mother in law and just my step mother in law.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, I divorced my ex for reasons like this. I see his pyal. oint too. I am not going to get involved, like I said. It was a horrible betrayal.