My exercise program (a funny)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Sep 24, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Dear Diary,

    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased
    a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
    football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a
    good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and
    made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda,
    who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
    model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
    seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
    encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

    MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
    but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to
    find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -
    with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
    Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
    I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
    class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging
    as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding
    it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

    TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
    she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
    made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
    GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

    WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
    toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
    I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
    I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
    parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
    bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that
    early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
    that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
    Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h**l would anyone invent a
    machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
    told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
    s**t too.

    THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
    exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
    couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my
    shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
    looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bi**h to
    find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine --
    which I sank.

    FRIDAY: I hate that bi**h Belinda more than any human being has ever
    hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
    anemic, anorexic little cheerleader.If there was a part of my body I
    could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
    wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
    don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
    anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
    and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
    someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
    grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
    hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner;
    however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
    catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    SUNDAY: I 'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
    so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
    next year my daughter (the little s**t) will choose a gift for me that is fun
    -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
    to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911