I hope that you all know that you are, exactly that, my family. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support, love, and prayers. You've no idea how much it means to me. I am, I think, still in a state of shock. It hits me for a few minutes that this is real, too very real, and then I think my mind goes into denial because I don't want it to be real. It was too fast, and I didn't get to say all the things I wanted to say to him, some, but not nearly all. I have the greatest kids in the world. I really really do. This morning I woke early, very early for me. 7am. I came down and today was going to be a day of couponing and shopping. As usual I checked on husband where he slept on the livingroom floor. He was sleeping. As usual I watched to make certain he was breathing. (it's a nurse thing) Then I took my coffee and went out to the front porch to smoke. Beautiful morning. I sat out there a few minutes, really enjoying it. Then came back in because easy child and I had planned our drug store couponing trip this morning and I had to double check my game plan and pull coupons. So I sat at the computer for maybe an hour or so. Decided to slip out for another cigarette before pulling the coupons.... I looked into the livingroom. husband was slightly off the cushions and on the floor sort of on his stomach. I thought to myself what an uncomfortable position I'm surprised it didn't wake him up. I stood there a second or two contemplating waking him up because it was such an odd position. The I realized that his face was blue. So I rushed in to him, but I knew. I couldn't move him or even roll him over to even consider cpr because he was too heavy. So I went to the stairs and yelled for Travis and dialed 911. Then I lost it a bit. I called easy child basically hysterical, Nichole right after. Did have sense enough to tell Nichole to have her husband leave work and drive her down instead of her trying to drive herself. Then I had Travis help me roll husband over but I knew it was too late. Don't know why, I just did. And the ambulance showed up. I explained about his massive heart attack 2 wks ago...they briefly checked him and didn't bother to attempt to resuscitate. I don't fault them, it wouldn't have done any good. The police had to be contacted because it was an in home death. I held it together. The shock had set in by that time. Both the medics and the officer were very kind. I kept thinking had I not been through this when my gramma passed at home I'd probably have gone off the deep end. Instead I accepted it as due course and just answered their questions. But I didn't think those questions would ever end. The officer stayed until the furneral director arrived. The coroner released the body right away given husband's physical condition. Very nice man. I chose his funeral home because he had been so kind to Nichole's bff when her baby passed and they had no money ect to give them the best service possible while keeping the cost down to bare minimum. husband wanted to be cremated, but we arranged to have a private viewing mostly for katie and the grandchildren, to give them a chance to say goodbye. The rest of the morning was contacting family and attempting to contact katie who was not answering her phones nor paying attention to her fb messages. The katie thing ticked off the girls because she had to be contacted before 2pm for the private viewing. They did finally contact her though. And easy child pulled Darrin out of school, Aubrey was here. And we all went as a family unit to the funeral home. (easy child is being my brains right now, I'm sort of functioning on automatic) Like I said, this man from the home is really kind. He'd gathered from the police and medics that husband had been out of work for some time, no insurance ect. So he assumed money was tight and going to be an issue. He discounted his fee, although honestly it wasn't that bad to begin with. And he told us that if we can't place husband with his parents that he can be placed in the veterans cemetary in dayton for free and they'll even provide a marker and the veterans here might help with the cost of the funeral. I just need to find his discharge paperwork which will be a monumental task since the man was as organized as a whirlwind. I know it's here, I just have no clue where it is. But all of that has to wait until the death certificate is signed so won't be until the end of the week. Sorry if I'm providing too many details. I need to get it out, and this is the only place I can think of to do it. Once the police ect were gone I went into full blown stress cleaning mode. I had to move because I didn't want to think. Except for stopping to talk to my mom, my girls let me do it knowing for me it's therapeutic. Still tons more to do, but while easy child took care of much of the business things, Nichole and I managed to tackle alot. The viewing was hard. One because katie wasn't taking it well at all. She had not come to see her Dad at all since he'd been home and only called him once in the hospital. The other kids let me be with her with her dad alone for a while. Then Aubrey and Darrin wanted to say goodbye. Darrin asked if papa had died of a broken heart, and Aubrey said yes but he's up in Heaven with Nana Elise (his mom) now so it's ok. I nearly crumpled to the floor. Instead I told them there is a light in everyone that makes you who you are and when your body dies that light goes up to heaven. Then Aubrey hugged katie and told her it was ok, she would see papa again when she died and her light went to heaven. Brandon came in and.......well now, you have to understand, that for some reason no one ever understood, Brandon was papa's boy from the day he was born. He refused to let papa ignore him and always crawled onto his lap and gave him hugs and kisses and called him on the phone even if papa wasn't receptive, Brandon never gave up. And papa adored him because of it. He loved all his grandhcildren even though he didn't know how to show it, but Brandon held a special place in his heart. Now Brandon is just 2 yrs old. But he sobered up the moment he entered the viewing room. He wasn't afraid. But when he said bye bye to papa there were tears in his eyes and it wasn't followed with see you later as he normally did, just I love you. And when we came back home he didn't ask for papa the way he always does...... Children understand far more than we give them credit for. And I'm glad that they were able to tell him goodbye, it was important to them and something they wanted to do. Katie's kids remained in school. I let the parents decide on what they felt appropriate. There will a small memorial service at the grave side and that is all. husband had few friends and no one he was really close too. But that reminds me, I need to contact them. After a day of organized chaos, the house is quiet. Travis has gone up to his room. Betsy and Molly is asleep. Bruce has snuck onto my lap. And I am having trouble not believing this is some nightmare that I'm going to wake up from. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He's been my other half for 28 yrs. He could be a major *ss when he wanted to and yet he could be so gentle about some things......Lord knows the man had his faults, and with the autism some of those faults were mighty hard to live with. But we had been through so very much together he and I. We weathered so many many storms. He was my rock when I needed him to be. And yeah, he messed up over my accident.....but now I think I understand that he realized how close he'd come to losing me and he couldn't face my mortality, how I've felt since his heart attack. I wish I'd understood that long before now. So many years a distance stood between us and it didn't have to be. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone. I wanted to hit him so bad when I went to him in the livingroom and tried to roll him over. I wanted to hit him for leaving me, while I wanted to hold on to him for dear life. If only I'd have gotten to him sooner, went and checked on him sooner, went to give him his morning medications sooner.......maybe. He had woken and tried to get up and his heart gave out. Medics said it most likely wasn't even a "heart attack", it just stopped. No sound. Nothing. The other thing that sticks out in my mind is that Betsy who sleeps in her crate in the livingroom did not utter a peep through the entire process. Not when I found husband. Not when the medics arrived, nor the police, nor anyone else. She couldn't be removed from her crate until husband was taken out. But no barking, not a single sound. Completely out of character. Tonight when I brought her inside, while I was in the livingroom she kept hovering near me. I got down and consoled her. husband yelled and fussed at her a lot, but he loved her, she is like Brandon.....she would never take no for an answer. She was his buddy dog. Sister in law took it hard. She's known husband since he was 12 yrs old. She said husband's bro was really going to take this bad. He's the only one left now. I don't know if they're planning to come up, but the cremation allows for more time as far as burial goes so the service can be flexible to adjust to their needs. We will wait for them, if they want to be here. And God in his infinite wisdom, somehow watches over me. husband's retirement fund arrived saturday. I'm not broke. I'm not rich, but I'm not broke either. I can pay the funeral costs, which I would not have been able to do otherwise. Now I'm rambling. Like I said, I'm still in shock. The viewing was like someone sliced through my insides with a knife. It put it right in my face that this is all very real and I can't pretend it away. I knew he didn't have long. I knew while he was still in the hospital. I just wouldn't let myself believe it. But I thought a few months maybe, not this soon. I came on and saw your words of love and I thought to myself, what a wonderful family I have. You all are so special to me, you've no idea. And my kids, we'll like I said, I've got the best kids in the world and that includes in laws, I've got some pretty awesome grandkids too, who took time to give out more hugs than usual and to make sure Nana wasn't too sad. I have no clue what I'm doing at this point. I'm so lost. But my kids are being my brains right now, so I guess that's ok.