to difficult child's school. There are some really great things about it; therefore, I hate to lose it. However, it is painfully obvious that the mockery goes past one teacher, altho she is still very negative and grumpy, difficult child has had no further problems with her since the director had a chat with her about it. I can live with that. *** However, it seems it wasn't curbed before her methods were passed on to the younger aids. *** I wrote this to give to the staff involved. My thought is it is a last ditch effort to appeal to their humanity and ask for their help instead of further hindrance. *** What do you think? (the copy to the director will have names; all other copies will not have names or the first paragraph) *** *** To school director; I have been buried this past week, so I didn't say anything about it, but it has been heavy on my mind through this past weekend. I woke up in the night and wrote this. I would like to give it to the staff involved and anyone who needs a reminder that even the "bad kids" are people, too. *** Last Wednesday, I believe, Miss M called me urgently to school to pick up difficult child. He was obviously doing something he shouldn't have been, but it had escalated to him flinging chairs again. When I got there, they had just restricted him to a corner of the room and were letting him be (which, honestly, was probably the best thing they could have done). I could hear him yelling when I got in the building. He was still holding a chair, sliding it on the floor and repeatedly slamming it into the wall when I entered the room. I tried to make him pick up the chairs while working very closely to see that he maintained safety, but was told they would clean up, 'just go'. *** On the drive home, we talked about it. I still don't know what set it off, or how it escalated. He said he was restrained at one point, and possibly he was throwing chairs before then? I don't know. What I do know is, again, far into the conversation, he dropped into a crying heap and said everyone laughed at him. I asked more about it and he claimed that when he first got in trouble, Miss H told the class to "look at difficult child. Isn't he being cute?" and they all laughed, and he admits that he really got mad and started slamming things around then. *** Honestly, I've heard enough that I didn't feel the need to validate. Things he's told me so far have been right on, I guess I feel this happened, too. We talked about his choices, what he can do to not elicit those comments, etc. And we went on. *** Saturday, on the float, he was absolutely fine until That Teacher showed up, and then he fell apart. Anxiety all the way. When I asked him what was wrong, thru his tears, he clearly said "I just can't do it! I just can't be good when SHE's (touching her leg) here!" Miss R, who is the girl That Teacher's Daughter took him to when he got bitten this fall said "difficult child! She doesn't have anything to do with it!" in defense of That Teacher (and she's right,That Teacher didn't do anything). That Teacher motioned for Miss R to let it go, and Miss R retorted "But it just makes me mad that he blames this on you." *** I heard it, but I was paying attention to difficult child. The whole thing was because he is convinced there is no way for him to possibly meet That Teacher's expectations, even on his best day. He is thoroughly convinced that he is bad. He didn't want to leave, but he didn't want to stay, so I promised to stay close if he wanted to ride, which he did. After he buddied up with someone's older daughter, he was really good and had a good time. *** Later that night, we went to the Restaraunt, a small mom and pop restaraunt near home for supper. They know us well and difficult child feels welcome there. While waiting for dinner, he was coloring with a basket of crayons the restaraunt keeps. I don't recall what we asked him to do, but it set him off and he got beligerant again. We were trying to calm him back down when he rose up on his knees in the chair and yelled "AM I SO CUTE?? HUH? HUH?? AM I JUST SO CUTE NOW??!!?!!" Then he slammed the basket of crayons down, ran under a table, hugged his knees, and cried. *** Another day, we stopped at my office for cookies and milk with my co-workers. We enjoyed a few games and decorating some cookies. difficult child was the hit with the pinata, smashing it and sending candy flying. But shortly after that, we suddenlylost him. We finally found him hiding between a cubicle wall and the building wall. Why? Because he had started playing with some bean bags and couldn't handle the other kids in the game, and they had started chasing him. I assumed the other kids were playing in fun, but when I crawled in the space with him to talk him out, the other kids came around the corner, not knowing I was there, and the leader of the group yelled "he's back here! Let's get him out! I can get him going again! He's so funny!!" They were laughing at him because, in his frustration, he starts growling. They thought it was funny, so they were trying to hype him up and get him to growl. Obviously, it stopped when they saw me sitting there, too. I coaxed him out of his space and we went home. *** I am NOT excusing difficult child's behavior. He would try the patience of a saint. difficult child is a challenging child and has been since he was born. However, how many times are we, as adults, going to ridicule and belittle him? Is that working? Is his behavior changing? If it were working, wouldn't you be seeing a DECREASE in the amount of episodes he has at school, and elsewhere, instead of an increase? *** I have never experienced the love/hate that I do with this child. I love him with every fiber of my being - he is my son. However, there are a lot of days that I don't like his behavior at all and it takes every ounce of strength I have to go home knowing I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow. Believe me, if I knew how to make this better, I would. But difficult child is convinced to his very core that he is bad. I have watched as he pounds his head into a wall repeatedly until its bruised, while yelling at G*d "WHY DID YOU MAKE ME THIS WAY? I HATE YOU!" I have sat at the dinner table after a particularly bad day and had my child request that I shoot him in the head (and he is very aware what death is), as he would rather be dead than live like he is. I have heard him beg of Jesus on his way to school for help to "just be a good boy, just for today, just this once". And I've watched him a hundred times if once, curl up in a ball in a tiny little spot and cry crocodile tears because he knows he's bad, but he doesn't know how to be better. And no matter how tried and tired my patience is, it breaks my heart every time. *** Is that really a boy who just chooses to misbehave? Are you really sending him the messages you want to be sending him? 'Cause he's hearing them - loud and clear.