My Grandchild.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bewildered Grandmother, Jun 18, 2016.

  1. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    We have one grandchild in our country. We were deeply involved in his life since birth and still would be if we could. We love and cherish this 5 year old. He is the centre of our universe.

    This child is suffering from anxiety and he is suffering the loss of his other grandmother. Not by death but due to my daughter banishing her and the uncle from his life Four years ago. The mother in law did a terrible thing against her son and my daughter due to misplaced concerns and through desperation and despair from not being allowed to see the grandchild, she reported her concerns to CAS not realized the full implications which resulted in complete banishment. This incident only deepened the deep hatred my daughter feels for this woman. The mother in law ever see her only grandchild again and she is 76 years old. She went to court asked to seek one hour supervised visits a month and a full retraction of her complaint to CAS. My daughter would not cave.

    In the meantime our relationship with our 43 year old daughter has been non existent . The only communication is to arrange a visit. Due to his separation anxiety from his parents we can no longer have him for overnight stays, we cannot go to their house and he refuses to go to the park or to go to his favourite restaurant. I text my daughter to set up a phone call appointment. She refuses to respond as we had another blowout so she is punishing me. She has done this before but relented after. A month or so.

    When is this Ok? This is only adding to the child's anxiety and suffering. In our generation this behaviour was non existent. What happend?

    I am beyond angry, I'm enraged, I'm appalled and I don't understand how she can justify this in her head that this is Ok. How can I ever. Begin to forgive her?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son has estranged his family for ten years. Thanh God for my four other kids and my grands.

    Unless you abused your adult child it is never okay to do this to a loving mother, but it's an epidemic. There is really nothing you can do other than move on. It is almost impossible to see your grandchildren y hough court if the parents won't let you. It doesn't hurt to try if you've got the money and the desire but can take a loss.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this. I want nothing to do with my son anymore and I don't want to know his kids. I will never trust him again.

    Try to calm down and think about the Serenty Prayer: it is full of wisdom.

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
  3. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    We did not abuse our daughter in any way but she holds on to some childhood hurts claiming that we were not there for her emotionally. We were very young , we made mistakes but any mistakes were born through total obliviation , not realizing what we were doing, but having said that we did the best we could at that time. Her teachers woukd commend us on the job we were doing , and woukd say. And I quote" whatever we were doing , keep on doing it". We were strict, we did all things that families do, camping , family skiing, Disnry World. Her father woukd play board games and do things that all fathers do. He was not the hug guy, cuddly type until he became a grandfather but he as well as myself loved our children and our family unit, . My justifying strips here with no apologies.

    What troubles me is what the parents are doing to this child and refuses to believe that this child is unaffected by losing so many people who played a huge role in his life and now they are lost , they are gone , pushed away and discarded. My daughter already admitted thstvhecis suffering the loss of one grandparent that was pushed away. How can they not see this? How is this not child abuse? How can they put their feelings before the emotional well being of the child? My rant
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Some adult kids who are very selfish ruminate over every little thing that may or may not have happened when they were little and won't let go of their out of control anger. They MUST punish us and if that means punishing their kids too, so be it. They don't see that this cycle commonly leads to their own estrangement when their kids grow up.

    Sadly we cant change them and the grandkids do often suffer. I'm really sorry you have to go throw this
  5. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    It's my grandsons Birthday this coming weekend. There are 4 Grandparents but only one is allowed to attend . I knew in my mind that this day was coming, and I was fine with it. Only up until the one grandparent who has been asked to attend told me about the party and he was invited. It was like I was punched in the stomach. I didn't expect an invitation but why have I been on an emotional roller coaster ever since? I know my grandson will be happy that day to see his other grandfather, he is only 6, innocent of everything that's going on around him and oblivious to why his other grandparents are not there.

    I sound childish, i sound like I'm wallowing in this pity party, But I'm not. I'm devasted that this is his first birthday party that I can't attend. I'm devasted that I'm here in this place where I can't attend my only grandchilds party. If by sone miracle we were invited , would I attend? I very much doubt it.

    How can my only daughter and child let this happen? To grovel to her, I wil Lose total self respect and giving her total control that she craves. I guess this is an example of the hard days estranged parents and grandparents have to endure.

    We made plans for that day to be golfing with friends. Somehow I have a feeling that even though I will be in a picturesque setting, surrounded. By caring friends who have no idea what that day represents, I will be wearing a huge smile,but inside I'm completely devasted. When does it stop?
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    See above. Your daughter, like most estrangers, is a selfish control freak who is invested in hurting those who love her. She is not thinking that her son is seeing this behavior and will learn that family ties aren't important. He will be at much higher risk to estrange your daughter. Also she cares little about her son.

    Enjoy that golf game. Having a bad time won't change anything. As they say on all the estranged parent sites, living a happy, healthy life is the best revenge. I don't like the revenge word. I just think "is best."

    It stops with time and acceptance that you can't change it. Therapy also helped me.

    Hugs. I get it.
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2016
  7. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I am seeing a therapist tomorrow. Your words are very wise . I look forward to being in your place someday.

    I know. I put it out there inadvertent,y, that everything was her fault. It wasn't. The fault lies w ith how she handled things, demanding , screaming , taking no responsibility, her way or the highway and the hoops she demanded we go through to fix things . I was having none of it.

    She tried to make amends three times once with stipulations that I could not live with. I know in my heart of hearts she has not changed and she proved it once again by become so verbally abusive when I could not commit anything to her. I woukd be going back into a relationship that I suffered so much to get away from.

    Did I do everything right? No I didn't. Did I do everything wrong? No I didn't. I did tbe best that I could do under psuch an emotionally charged situation. But my precious grandson who I share such an incredible bond is what hurts me the most.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Amen, Sister. My son was adopted at six years old from an orphanage in another country. He seemed to be adjusting TOO well. Once he hooked up with his wife, things went south and he, like your daughter, sent me a list of demeaning stipulations I had to follow to see him and his children I never met. its better I never met them. I never will.

    After two years of grieving and the aftereffects of knowing my child wanted not to see me again, I decided not to allow this now stranger to have so much power over me. He isn't nice and I have other loved ones who need a healthy me. I needed a healthy me too. So I accept that I cant control this situation and focus on the good in my life.
    Recently I sent him a good bye letter.Ten years and no change. I'm done. I can't wonder anymore if they and their abuse will be back to torment me. My other kids and husband are also not wanting his abuse back. The letter gave me closure. He probably would have never engaged me agsin. it had been so long. But now I have a CERTAIN ending. He has no choice, no matter what. I dont enjoy living in limbo. I have banged the gavel. No more.

    Really. We can only take so much.
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2016
  9. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I am so sorry you had to go through this hell. No parent should ever be paced in a pisition where they gave to write that letter. What incredible strength conviction and courage you must possess to do this. Kids think they can push, things without repercussions. You certainly took their control away.

    That's what I have been doing but not ready to write that goodbye. But I made it clear, our dogie us open a crack but the disrespect, control and demands are to be left outside the door. Until then, stay away.

    Good for you to take your control back. It must feel extremely painful but empowering as well, .
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    thanks. its not painful. I feel relief. After ten years, I dont know him anymore. He is a stranger, like many who pass me in tye street. i knew him once, when he was nicer, before he met his wife whom I call devil wife. Yes, I always treated her well, but had a weird feeling about her right iff, like shebwanted him to herself only.

    Since then he dumped everyone in the family but my ex and he doesnt see him often either. But I put the onus on his shoulders. He could have refused to estrange us and he didnt. You cant have a son you never see and dont I gave him his freedom papers and feel better.
  11. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    It really makes me wonder if the other grandmother who reported your daughter and son in law was perhaps justified or even emotionally pushed to the point of reporting. This seems like a pattern with daughter, 3 grandparents are not allowed in their son's life for whatever perceived hurts your daughter carries. Are you able to talk to the other grandparents at all and get their take on things?

    I do agree with SWOT, kids these days feel justified in using a bully club on us for every little hurt or things they didn't get when they were kids/teenagers. YOU don't deserve to be treated like a second-class citizen. Kudos to you for not groveling. I am sorry about grandson- but not much you can do but go on with your life. Maybe you could set up a savings account for your grandchild as a birthday present for someday maybe you will be able to see and have a relationship with him.

    Get the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T Mason. It will help you make some sense of the chaos and manipulation you are going through with daughter.

    I don't understand why if grandchild has separation anxiety why you can't come over and visit. I suspect more going on in their home then daughter wants you to see or observe.
  12. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    The other grandmother , who I speak with on and off, reported my daughter and her son to CAS because she felt it was justified. Things were ok between my daughter and us , the accusations were without merit. I believed that in her mental state of despair and desperation, anxiety took over. To this day she still feels that the boy is subjected to arguments, yelling Etc. I dont t believe that's the case. But this woman like myself is suffering deeply due to her estrangement . I can't go over to her house because we are not on speaking terms. Having said that , if things were more affable that would have been a solution. I came up with a couple ideas so that we can see him and his parents would be very close by, I did not get a response. I'm being punished and that's more important than my grandsons anxiety. Before our family split apart, the five of us mommy daddy, grandson myself and Grandad woukd see him regularly Since his birth but due to this estrangement there's 2,more close family members added to the list gone from his life. It's everyone else's fault is her steadfast belief. She holds no accountability but there's a common thread here , she is just too blind to see it,
  13. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    Yes we got the book stop walking on egg shells. There's so much great information there. When myself and my daughter communicate via texts , I make a response , if it's not what she wants to hear , I being argumentative. She cannot seevorvrefusevto seecanyonescelses side. All she feels us my rejection. I feel a lot of guilt over that but I gave to protect myself.
  14. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    BG, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your pain, grief and bewilderment. I don't know how we accept the unacceptable, but we eventually have to. I think much of the work we have to do is to accept that we cannot control other people, no matter how unfair, hurtful or ridiculous they are and no matter that they are controlling our access to other people we love.

    I see so many families that have levels of estrangement within them. In my family, my brother, due to his alcoholism, is almost uncommunicative with my sister and I. He never responds to emails. He sometimes will respond to a phone call or text but he will tell us after one or two texts that this is his "last text." When we see him in person (he lives with our parents, he is 52 years old), he says hello and gives us a hug and then, that's basically it. He usually will try to leave any time of family event very very quickly, and often is ugly about it. I have learned that my best moment with him is in the initial greeting, and I don't try to talk to him anymore. It never works. No matter what I say. I know that is very different from your situation, but I believe the similarity lies in the illness of the person who is doing the estranging. Does your daughter have a diagnosis? A mental illness? My brother is addicted to alcohol, which is classified today as a mental illness, and it has robbed him of his ability to form and sustain relationships. He is functional (although less so every week and month), holds down a job, comes home, empties my parents trash can and dishwasher, and goes out to drink. That is his schedule, every day. On the weekend he will take my mother to the store as she doesn't drive anymore and he does the yard work and watches sports. And drinks. He does nothing with other people. He has my mother on a pedestal and is basically obsessed with her. The whole thing is sad to watch. He is a very sick person and a very alone person.

    I have finally let it go. The only issues I have today is him driving my parents anywhere, and they allow that all the time. He always has alcohol in his system, evidently. As you may know, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn't stay the same. It is always worsening.

    My brother, the precious, blond-headed always-smiling youngest child, who was the smartest of all of us, had a fantastic professional career and friends and played sports and had girlfriends and a great life and potential, is reduced to this shell of a person and a life. It hurts me, but there is nothing I can do about it.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild. There is always hope that things can change, and she will change her mind. I just pray for you, for you to be able to work to live with this intolerable situation, and to work on detaching and letting go of this and all other things you cannot control. It is a worthy thing to work toward.

    Warm hugs to you this morning. We're glad you're here.
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    BG: I am so sorry to hear about the way your daughter treats you. My mother died when I was 15 and I would just have loved for her to be a part of my and my children's lives!! Sometimes we can't make sense of things but try to be good to yourself and be happy. See a therapist or do whatever helps YOU.

    Child: The story about your brother so sad. I just hate addiction. Sad for you but seems you have come to terms with how to handle it. Sometimes that's all we can do!
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sadly, estrangement is common and on the rise. I have been on several forums for that. its always the same story and grandchildren are used as punishment.
  17. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, it's such a waste to just sit and watch someone to just waste away. What a tragedy and there's not one thing you can do about it. What a waste. I'm familiar with your story my brother had the sme illness but died at 57 with an illness that was unrelated to alcoholism but to add to this his only son is following in his fathers footsteps. His marriage gone, his very lucrative career is down the tubes, his children want nothing to do with him and he's only 43 years old. What a waste.
  18. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I'm so sorry that you lost your mother at such a young age. My almost middle aged daughter doesn't care. Her anger, disrespect and hatred trumps everything. Most mothers out there feel so blessed that there are grandparents in their chikdrens lives. Not my daughter. Her thoughts are and it goes like this we are to be thankful to her that she gave us a grandchild to love so you better meet up to my standards on how much to spend on presents for him, where you go and what you do when you have access to him, you do as I say or else attitude.

    I went to my therapists today, she point blank asked me how I wanted things to end. My response was I needed help to find a a way to acceptance and to make peace with fact that I can't have a relationship with a daughter who is belligerent towards me, who is disrespectful and uses my grandchild as a pawn to punish me. She is 43 so she's not going to change. I know what I have to do. She gave me no choice but I dont know how to do it. My other response was I needed to end my relationship with my daughter without damaging my grandchild. I want no part in doing this but I need to know how I can do it. God help me but I need help with the unthinkable.
  19. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

  20. Catniss

    Catniss New Member

    You are so right, parental estrangement has become an epidemic! I have a 34 year old daughter who hurts me any chance she gets. Its been going on for years...Her recent ambush has made me realize I need to move on from her even though she has my granddaughter ...I know I will fall in love with the baby and she will use her to hurt me. I will never trust her again...Does that make me a bad MOM?