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My Grandchild.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 693151" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>BG, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your pain, grief and bewilderment. I don't know how we accept the unacceptable, but we eventually have to. I think much of the work we have to do is to accept that we cannot control other people, no matter how unfair, hurtful or ridiculous they are and no matter that they are controlling our access to other people we love.</p><p></p><p>I see so many families that have levels of estrangement within them. In my family, my brother, due to his alcoholism, is almost uncommunicative with my sister and I. He never responds to emails. He sometimes will respond to a phone call or text but he will tell us after one or two texts that this is his "last text." When we see him in person (he lives with our parents, he is 52 years old), he says hello and gives us a hug and then, that's basically it. He usually will try to leave any time of family event very very quickly, and often is ugly about it. I have learned that my best moment with him is in the initial greeting, and I don't try to talk to him anymore. It never works. No matter what I say. I know that is very different from your situation, but I believe the similarity lies in the illness of the person who is doing the estranging. Does your daughter have a diagnosis? A mental illness? My brother is addicted to alcohol, which is classified today as a mental illness, and it has robbed him of his ability to form and sustain relationships. He is functional (although less so every week and month), holds down a job, comes home, empties my parents trash can and dishwasher, and goes out to drink. That is his schedule, every day. On the weekend he will take my mother to the store as she doesn't drive anymore and he does the yard work and watches sports. And drinks. He does nothing with other people. He has my mother on a pedestal and is basically obsessed with her. The whole thing is sad to watch. He is a very sick person and a very alone person. </p><p></p><p>I have finally let it go. The only issues I have today is him driving my parents anywhere, and they allow that all the time. He always has alcohol in his system, evidently. As you may know, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn't stay the same. It is always worsening. </p><p></p><p>My brother, the precious, blond-headed always-smiling youngest child, who was the smartest of all of us, had a fantastic professional career and friends and played sports and had girlfriends and a great life and potential, is reduced to this shell of a person and a life. It hurts me, but there is nothing I can do about it. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild. There is always hope that things can change, and she will change her mind. I just pray for you, for you to be able to work to live with this intolerable situation, and to work on detaching and letting go of this and all other things you cannot control. It is a worthy thing to work toward.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs to you this morning. We're glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 693151, member: 17542"] BG, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your pain, grief and bewilderment. I don't know how we accept the unacceptable, but we eventually have to. I think much of the work we have to do is to accept that we cannot control other people, no matter how unfair, hurtful or ridiculous they are and no matter that they are controlling our access to other people we love. I see so many families that have levels of estrangement within them. In my family, my brother, due to his alcoholism, is almost uncommunicative with my sister and I. He never responds to emails. He sometimes will respond to a phone call or text but he will tell us after one or two texts that this is his "last text." When we see him in person (he lives with our parents, he is 52 years old), he says hello and gives us a hug and then, that's basically it. He usually will try to leave any time of family event very very quickly, and often is ugly about it. I have learned that my best moment with him is in the initial greeting, and I don't try to talk to him anymore. It never works. No matter what I say. I know that is very different from your situation, but I believe the similarity lies in the illness of the person who is doing the estranging. Does your daughter have a diagnosis? A mental illness? My brother is addicted to alcohol, which is classified today as a mental illness, and it has robbed him of his ability to form and sustain relationships. He is functional (although less so every week and month), holds down a job, comes home, empties my parents trash can and dishwasher, and goes out to drink. That is his schedule, every day. On the weekend he will take my mother to the store as she doesn't drive anymore and he does the yard work and watches sports. And drinks. He does nothing with other people. He has my mother on a pedestal and is basically obsessed with her. The whole thing is sad to watch. He is a very sick person and a very alone person. I have finally let it go. The only issues I have today is him driving my parents anywhere, and they allow that all the time. He always has alcohol in his system, evidently. As you may know, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn't stay the same. It is always worsening. My brother, the precious, blond-headed always-smiling youngest child, who was the smartest of all of us, had a fantastic professional career and friends and played sports and had girlfriends and a great life and potential, is reduced to this shell of a person and a life. It hurts me, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild. There is always hope that things can change, and she will change her mind. I just pray for you, for you to be able to work to live with this intolerable situation, and to work on detaching and letting go of this and all other things you cannot control. It is a worthy thing to work toward. Warm hugs to you this morning. We're glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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