My "grown" kid (cough, cough) has lost his mind and scares me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Dec 11, 2012.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My 35 year old son who drinks but truly does not abuse drugs is going nuts and treating me like crapola and I'm done with it. It really makes me sick because I already lost one kid (Hong Kong adoptee), but I can't take it anymore. This is just a bit of what happened tonight. It is a daily occurrence and has been since his divorce. Before his divorce, he almost never called me. Now he calls me every day. Sometimes five times a day. He has no friends in Missouri, where he moved three years ago, so he tells me, "You're all I have." Lucky me. I finally had it. Here is an example of our conversation tonight. I'm still shaking from it. This conversation is not unique. He talks to his father this way too.

    Him: Mom, WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? I'm going to SHOOT myself! I can't TAKE it anymore.

    Me: What is it?

    Him: It's J. (his ex). She called the babysitter and told her to put M. (her honey whom she cheated on him with) on the list of people who can pick Son up from daycare!!!!!!!!

    Me: (calm) Well, there's not a lot you can do about it. Try not to worry about it. It's really not a big deal.

    Him: F***** don't SAY that! EVERYBODY SAYS THAT! I HAVE TO TAKE THE C*** TO COURT AND SCARE HER. She's EMPOWERED! She told me to TAKE HER TO COURT AND I CAN'T! You're supposed to make me f****** feel better, not worse!!!!

    Me: Wait. Sonic is here. Hold on a second.


    Me: Look, I have other kids too!


    Sonic: (whispering) Oh, I hear him. I'll leave.

    Me: (to Sonic) Yes, thanks, later, Sonic. Sportsfan is upset


    Me: Well, did you talk to R. to see if she can help you out? (R. is his girlfriend, God help her, who is ironically a divorce attorney).


    Me: Maybe there's nothing she can do.

    Him: You're f***** no help. I"m hanging up! (Slam)

    (This is very short and tame compared to what he really said and he does this daily).

    Now, you may ask, is this a ten year old? Oh, wait. I told you he is thirty-five. He has a son and I'm starting to wonder if he's mature enough to raise this child. He doesn't talk this way in front of his son (yet), but I wonder when he will.

    I am supposed to visit Sportsfan and Grandson for a week right after Christmas. I have only seen Grandson maybe five times in his entire four years largely because he didn't make it possible...his ex ran the show and he didn't seem to think it was important for Grandson to know me. I was hoping that now that ex is gone, I could make some visits to get to know Grandson. But Grandson was only going to be with him a few days anyways and I'd be with Sportsfan only the rest of the time, when he isn't at work.

    I canceled my tickets. Sportsfan doesn't know yet and he will raise the roof. I will probably make up a lie, which I hate to do, but I don't want to 100% lose another son. I think I'll tell him I'm sick and can't travel or something else he can't blame me for. I am afraid to be alone with him. He has never attacked me or anything, but he has some very shady stuff in his background and he is not talking or acting safe. And telling him all this would be a waste of time. I'm not going to talk to him that often anymore either. I have three great kids---PastryChef, Sonic, and Jumper. I am going to focus on them and spend CHristmas with them and my wonderful husband. I am not going to Missouri to be abused.

    To be fair, Sportsfan is mentally ill, much like me, but he claims he can't afford to go for treatment and I have always thought he drinks too much, although he was never mean when he drank (before anyway). He doesn't pass out or anything, but I don't think he goes too long before drinking either. So maybe that is a factor. Maybe not.

    Sportsfan was never a "nice" or "sweet" person. I will never forget taking him to the park when he was about eighteen months old. He was climbing the monkey bars and a younger girl was climbing up under him. He grinned and stomped his foot on her fingers as she screamed. The mother told me off and I whisked him away, shocked and upset. Kids always seemed to get hurt around him and he just didn't have that sweetness that most k ids have. Oh, he did sometimes, but the older he got, the less he was sweet and the more he was both strange and mean. Sonic, Jumper, and Pastrychef don't like him, especially Pastrychef.

    Does even one person here think I should go to Missouri? I'm not feeling guilty, I just am still shaking, and stunned at how mean he is, and wondering how he can think his behavior is ok. He is never sorry. Never once apologized to me...

    I'm going to take my own advice and concentrate on the positive people in my life who love me, but, damn, I sure wish it wasn't like this. I'd love to have a close relationship with my only grandchild.

    Sorry that this is so long. Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I don't think you should go. Have a good Christmas... Without him.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Do I think you should go... alone? No. The "alone" makes it just not safe.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I needed that validation. Since his divorce he has been erratic and out of control and very nasty. He is off his medications and he needs to be on them.
  5. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I also think you did right cancelling your travel plans. He sounds in a bad way, and you really don't need nor deserve that. Ultimately, if he isn't stable on medications, a visit would likely be terrible. I've learned the hard way how impossible it is to lead a horse to water, so to speak. I could no more make my mother properly handle medications, than you can make your son. I've also learned the hard way how the best of intentions can not change someones behaviors nor their treatment of us. Right now your son is not treating you well. I think its right for you to stay home, limit those calls greatly, and enjoy your family right at home. It is NOT a reflection of any lack of love or support for your son. It is merely acknowledging that which you cannot change, and choosing healthy interactions in your daily life for your own peace of mind. Guilt helps nobody, not him, and only harms the person feeling unneeded guilt.

    I hope you have a peaceful holiday. You deserve it that is for sure.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The combination of untreated mental illness and the extreme pain of his broken marriage/loss of control over his son is a very dangerous combination. I feel bad for him but he has not done much to help himself over the last year.

    I think you are right to stay home and make an excuse.
  7. I agree - you should definitely stay home. He is abusive towards you and doesn't even see it. Going alone just makes it all the more apparent that this is not a good situation for you to put yourself in.

    I'm sorry you won't get to see your grandson. Hopefully he will turn things around and get back on his medications - then you'll be able to seen grandson and build a relationship with him.

    For now, I say stay home, enjoy a peaceful Christmas with your family.
  8. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I agree - definitely cancel the trip and stay home. If he is off medications and unstable it's not safe to put yourself in that situation. Hope you have a peaceful holiday with the rest of your family! ((((((((Hugs)))))))
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Of course you are right, MWM. I'm just so sorry that the situation is so complex, sad and completely our of your control. Many hugs. DDD
  10. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I'm with everyone else! I think you've made the right choice. No one ever deserves to be abused, especially not from their own son. I understand he is having a rough time right now and isn't on his medications and is also drinking but he's got to want to help himself and get that help to make a difference to. You are not responsible for that or him. You've done all you can do and then some.

    Sometimes we have just got to take a step back and protect ourselves! (hugs)
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    UPDATE: Just got off the phone with him. He was calmer and said he knows he has to stop letting J. bother him so much, but he doesn't know how and he needs therapy (duh!). And he also said he can't GET therapy because he makes too much money so that none of the cheap or sliding scale places will take him. He claims he has called them all. I asked if he told them how much of his money he has to dish out and then he starting yelling again. "THEY DON'T CARE! Either stop saying that or don't come out." (Little does he know, nor will he until I fake illness, that I have no intention of coming out). He actually does WANT me to come out! Back to him, I did call his NAMI office for him to see if there is anyplace who would take him and gave them HIS number and mine. He can't really talk at work, but neither can I and I have to go back soon. I am doing all I can, such as these phone calls for him. But he doesn't help himself. He won't listen to EVERYONE and not pick up the phone when she calls on days that he doesn't have his son. He won't ignore her texts and delete them. He isn't going to do better until he gets help because he can't handle stress at all. And he is so negative...he is certain he will lose his son completely to ex.

    I am really sad that my oldest two boys turned out to be such jerks, but they are and I can't change them. I am going to spend Christmas with my husband and three other kids who are kind and loving. Hub and I have been thinking about doing short term foster care again, with no intention of adopting, but this would probably fill the hole I have where a grandchild should be. And I can help the kids too...I want younger kids only OR pregnant teens. My next call, as soon as I get off of here is going to be to the foster care agency in my area. I want to feel them out.

    Thanks to everyone! But, of course, you all know what I'm going through :)
  12. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I am having problems with my 34 yo difficult child involving verbal abuse, alcohol, and suicide threats. I have given mine numbers for therapy and there are many that charge on a sliding scale based on income. I was also in a very good program at a college, when he was in his teens, where the grad student did the counseling with a professor listening in and advising. Mine told me he had an appointment to go, but I know he has not.

    He was living with a 38yo difficult child and they fight, he threatens suicide, cuts himself, and she wanted me to get involved long distance in all of the drama. I refused (other than to tell him he needed to stop drinking, fighting and cutting himself, get in therapy) so she started harrassing me by phone and emails. I called the police to stop the harrassment. They had a fight and she and her mother set all of his belongings out in the rain and much of it was stolen. They had another fight and she came after him with a knife, he called the police, she was sent to detox and he Baker Acted himself.

    Her cousin told him after she got out of jail she was going to find him and kill him. I bought a ticket to stay with friends (non abusers) and he was looking for work.

    AND now they are back together again! He has lied about it but I know they are. He asked me for money AGAIN and I said No, this prompted nasty messages of suicide, I never loved him, he will kill himself so I can continue in my 'perfect life'. I think my eyes have permanently rolled to the back of my head!

    About 6 months ago the two of them had been in on a conn about him being homeless and I was sending money so he could finish the semester and look for a job. I didn't want him to have to drop out and lose his money, I thought it would help him find a job. All of it was a lie - he wasn't going to college that semester.

    So.............. I have reached rock bottom - no more money, his was always that he had not eaten in days. Well I am over it - he can dumspter dive or find a soup kitchen. His new plan is to attend college for 4 years - who is going to support him?

    There is always help if they wants it - but they want the easy way out and everything is our fault. Mine can call me collect when he starts treatment, other than that I want no contact. I'm really not sure where he is, but that would probably be a lie too.

    People will treat you they way you let them - and I want to be treated with respect. The two of them make a very toxic, immature couple, but that's his choice - he is old enough to live his life the way he wants. AND I am going to live mine the way I want, I'm retired and just want peace. Focus on the positives in your life.

    (((huggs it is hard to do)))
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm so sorry about your son.

    My son DOES want help. Until he moved from Chicago to Missouri, he went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist. And, by the way, when he was doing well, he really had very little to do with me...he didn't think to call and always let his ex decide when we could see his son, which she never wanted us to do. Back to the present. His new job doesn't have good health insurance and he doesn't have any extra money and his income is around $80K, which disqualifies him from "free" places. I'm not so sure about sliding scales. I don't know if he told them his situation, which is pretty dire financially. He made financial commitments he can't get out because he had no idea his ex would run off with another man and leave him holding the tab. So he truly IS broke. But he's the type of person who always says, "NO. I can't." Hopefully, he's wrong because I can't really be around him while he's this way. He is so unpleasant...even scary!
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    MWM, add my vote to the list that you're doing the right thing by staying away and focusing on your three children at home and your husband.
    If it's behaviour you wouldn't put up with from a non-family-member, then it's behaviour you shouldn't have to put up with from family.

    Many hugs.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, he does need help. I am so sorry.
    I'd definitely not go for Christmas. You deserve to do whatever you want and be with whomever you want at Christmas.
    Maybe you could say, the next time you talk, "I'll see you after the holidays, after you're back on your medications. I love you and want you to feel better."
    Or not.
    I'm sending hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks again, guys.
    Terry, I am not going to say I'm going to go there again even if he gets help. I won't go unless hub can come with me and we can stay somewhere other than at his house (afford a hotel). And that's when he's stable again! Well...stable for him.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am very proud of you. So often moms will recognize abusive behavior coming from our adult kids but we still go to them or allow them in our homes or otherwise put ourselves at their mercy. We know, rationally, that they are out of line and may hurt us physically or emotionally, but we still put ourselves in that position. We feel we 'must' or we 'owe' something to them just because they are our children. So we put ourselves in harm's way with our kids in ways we would never ever do with anyone else.

    By not going you are doing the hardest thing but the right thing. there is no way you can EVER help him if you end up hurt and he either goes to jail over it or you don't report it and he thinks it was 'no big deal' and just gets worse.

    You have other children and a husband and communities that love you and need you, and this board family is part of that. So I am proud that you set this boundary (no matter how you explain it to him - giving him the truth is worthless here if it just makes him shut down and/or turn on you) and are going to stick to it. I pray he gets back on medications and will see a therapist.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Susie, I don't believe in letting even your own kids abuse you. I don't believe that your entire life is tied up with one abusive kid. I do have other kids who need me, a husband who does, and I have a lot to do before I leave this world. I decided to practice what I preach. If I tell other mothers to keep away from abusive kids, and I know it's the right advice, then I need to do it also. He could drive to Chicago and see us or even drive to Wisconsin. He just got a huge bonus check from work and he certainly isn't offering to see if I need any money before coming to visit him (he doesn't know I'm not yet). He's very selfish. He has calmed down from the day he went ballistic, but what if he goes ballistic while I'm there? Not going to happen.
  19. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Perhaps he should use that bonus check to pay for a better attorney.
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM, you did the right thing cancelling. He does not DESERVE to have you visit. For crying out loud...who WOULD choose to spend time with him? bites sometimes. Either he will let it get the best of him or it won't. He needs a reminder that he HAS A CHOICE in this!! And so do you.