My gut is telling me it's about that time...

[hearts and roses]

again.

I can feel it creeping slowly up my back, the hairs on the back of my neck are beginning to stand on edge, feels like there is a cold rock in my belly...oh yeah, that old familiar feeling.

difficult child is in the midst of cycling, just like Trinity's difficult child. It does tend to happen Spring and Fall and every time I can feel it coming on, see it in the way she moves and carries herself, behaves with others, snaps, eats, showers (or lackthereof), cries at the drop of a hat, messes up her job, everything.

She's complaining about her job (even now that the loser manager has been moved to another location). That's the first VERBAL tip-off. But even before this, I noticed she's not showering regularly. She's spending almost all her time at boyfriend's house. She's picking a fight with everyone for anything even before anything happens that would cause an argument. She eats faster, but less often, as if on the run all the time, neglects her chores and other responsibilities, goes through her paycheck in just a few days, makes errors in judgement and then blames others. And the list goes on and on.

It's coming all right, not sure how it will peak, but something's about to happen.

 

[Nomad]

My difficult child tends to have additional problems seasonally. She has one around the end of Oct. and another in the Spring. I don't know if this is what you are referring to or not. I know someone who has an adult daughter who is able to simply suggest to her daughter that she is showing signs of depression or agitation (etc.) and she might want to call the doctor for a medication change for the time being and this works well for them. I'm conflicted if I want to do this and am not sure my difficult child would cooperate. However, there was one time she actually did this for herself. I would like to see more of this...it's really the ideal situation.
So, if she is seeing a doctor or has seen a doctor, you might want to mention that she seems a little "down" and should consider seeing her doctor. However, practicing detachment for your benefit (good health/happiness, etc.) its probably best not to do more than that...you need to feel peace and happiness and relax as best as you are able and let this go. Weigh the pros and cons of worrying about it...how is it going to help? She is an adult and makes her own choices now. YOu can offer advice, but very little more. You can only control your own thoughts about it and your day and day goings on and whether or not you are going to have a productive good day or not even with- this weird _____ going on in the background.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks for reigning me back in , Nomad - I really need to hear that. My initial reaction is to worry and obsess over it...all the what if's, etc. What if she loses her job? How will we tell H? What if she can't get a new one? what if she flies off the handle (something she hasn't done in quite a while, not since she broke up with monkeyboy)? All those worries and more....you're so right. I will definitely keep reminding myself how far I've come with detaching from her and her 'stuff' and breathe a little easier.

"difficult child....This is YOUR life!" - hahaha, remember that show?

She has an appointment with the Dr for some 'womanly' problems she's having - it's our NP - I will gently suggest that perhaps she could let her know about the other stuff going on. She hasn't been on any medications for a couple of years now. I'm not sure she's open to it.

Thanks again.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think its the time of year for this stuff. Im going through it, Corys going through it...it appears lots of us are. Im trying desperately to express my concern to Cory but shall see if he takes it to heart.

 

[Nomad]

What an interesting name for a show?

Only us here would "get" that one!!!!

Yes, perhaps being a mom you might gently advise...then run like heck in the opposite direction and re-direct yourself to "keep on keeping on." Life is too short and although with most (if not all) difficult children doing their best to create drama trauma...the truth is life is good.

 

[Suz]

Detaching as much as you can is ideal, however I can imagine that it is difficult to ignore some of difficult child's behaviors since she is still living at home.

Jo, if you look back do you see any patterns as to what kicks her back into positive gear again? Any tried and true methods or just something you have to live through?

Suz

 

[Nomad]

Looking for tried and true patterns might have certain advantages, but it is a slippery slope 'cause it is almost the opposite of detaching. It puts you front row and center on the problem...puts the problem in your mind and almost begs for mom to be part of the solution.

I do like the idea of concentrating on the positive though...perhaps encouraging difficult child to try to figure out what makes her feel better or what has made her feel better in the past. Or consider seeing a therapist to discuss these things...

We are hoping that our difficult child will identify her moods and/or that something is troubling her and on her own, seek the guidance of a therapist or an MD. This puts me out of the loop, zooms her into accountability and me into detachment.

IF and only if I do not find it a detriment to my time and/or mental health, I might offer my adult difficult child a gentle suggestion to get some help, but it is my hope that she will do the work necessary along with the professionals and a solution can be found. Since she is sick, I do not mind steering her in the right direction (give this some thought difficult child or get to a DR). However, I certainly do not want to do any of her heavy lifting. I have my own problems to address, my own life to lead and so forth...

Would totally agree, when a difficult child moves out of the home, it is much easier all around.

 

[hearts and roses]

Well, fortunately, she has matured in the past year - a lot! So, I can usually find a moment where she's open to suggestions. What usually happens with difficult child is she calls me to complain about her circumstance. And I have learned that I cannot give in to her complaints. I can acknowledge them by saying something like, "Yeah, that stinks. So, what have you decided to do?" or, "Wow, that would bug me too. What's your plan?" I can validate her feelings of frustration and then put it back in her lap to come up with a solution for herself.

In my head, it falls in line with natural consequences. If she can't pay her insurance she loses her car. She's old enough and has enough of a life that she won't let that happen again. Since she's been working, she's been getting her nails done regularly, she eats out occasionally, she's been very happy having money. So, that has become a motivator for her.

So, when she comes to me to complain, like she did today...about her horrible moods and having her period for the past month, I asked her to remind me when her next Dr appointment is (it's tomorrow - I knew that, just wanted her to remember it) and when she said it was tomorrow, I gently suggested that she speak with her Dr about her crying jags and moods. She almost sounded testy, so I followed up with, "Hey, I gotta live with ya, hon, I'm just sayin" and she laughed and assured me she will bring it up and that she was certain the moods, etc., were related to her hormones. She said, "Ya, I get it mom...I know what you're saying. Don't worry, I will tell Dr X. Besides, Dr X knows me too well - she'll pick up on it".

I think the maturity factor has helped us quite a bit this past year, coinciding with my detachment. It's allowed her to figure stuff out for herself and mature, while at the same time freeing me and my emotions, not to mention time! I even enjoy watching her figure stuff out. It's just when I see her dangling dangerously close to the edge that I worry a little because I know how difficult it is for her to get back to where she wants to be. I worry that she will not get help until it's so bad and then be even more difficult. But, I've said my piece and the rest is up to her. I have a sixth sense with both my kids, even with H. I'm so attuned into their moods that the smallest shift registers with me. I often wonder if that's due to 'reading' difficult child all these years or if I had it anyway.

 

[Star*]

Jo

This was Dude last night - pick, pick, pick.....bait, bait, bait. If you were standing back watching him and not living with us? OMG....DF noticed it first and made a comment to me to just be "an observant" and not a "participant". Once I really was conscious of what I was doing in regards to reacting to him? It was a lot less unconscious tit-for-tat. I think as humans we just get so tired of the ugliness it's hard to detach and let them just spill over and over and say nothing. Sometimes the verbal diarrahea is just too much and since there is no Pepto Bismol for his mouth? I just got up and left. (Different that my reaction to his mouth the other night) but still - I was made aware of what he was doing - he WANTED to fight, he NEEDED to argue to relieve stress. He needed the chaos or so he thinks to feel normal. - He needs to feed the monster and I told him last night? You're going to starve here. I'm not allowing this any more.

The best thing is? You recognize it - and you can just put earplugs in and ignore her. Detach detach detach.....detach....deeeeeetach.

 

[Suz]

Jo, you might need us to vent to, but I think you handled it beautifully all by yourself. BRAVO

Suz

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks ladies. It's so difficult NOT to get svcked into the vortex of her chaotic mind sometimes, and if I'm not feeling like myself, which I haven't lately, I can just fall right back into those old roles. Fortunately, because we've both been so busy of late, I get that break from her which allows me the opportunity to think it through before being able to react so fast. Also, most of the time she's calling me from her work and I often need to hang up to get back to my own work, Know what I mean?? So, without even really trying, I get that breathing space before I fall into the trap.

Last night she texted me at around 10:20 and when I asked her where she was, she was already home! Home before 11PM? I couldn't believe it. She said, "yeah, I didn't feel so good, so I came home to catch up on my sleep". You could have knocked me over with a feather. When I came home, I peeked in on her. No coffee on her nightstand as per usual. Instead there was a tall bottle of water. Wow. So, slowly, she's figuring stuff out. It is re-assuring.