My head won't stop spinning

[Steely]

I am once again feeling like I am losing my mind. I just can't do this anymore.

Psycho witch at work seems to be gaining more and more power over me, and my emotions. I cannot seem to make myself obsessing over this. Granted she does something every single day to push my buttons, and the company does little about her insubordination, but I should be bigger than this, right? I moved to a different dept at work to get away from her, but that has not helped, and now I feel even more overwhelmed because I have to learn a whole new set of products to sell, and a whole new group of employees to manage.

I can't sleep, the nightmares are back.

I can't stop thinking about why H. died, and why the heck no one has solved this mystery. And how much I freaking miss her, and need her.

I just tried to go over to my parents house, because they wanted me to come over, but I could not shake my bad mood. They just made everything a hundred times worse. When I communicated to them why I was in a bad mood (work), they said that I should be more optimistic. ETC. Then I got upset and said I was leaving, and my dad said that he just wanted "his daughter and her support when I came to visit". Geesh..............sorry..............I forgot my freaking magic wand. Poof!!!! The perfect Steely pops out of the flippin hat.
I just left, walked out in the middle of my mom making us dinner, and my dad telling me I could not leave.
I knew better. That really is all they want. The perfect me.
Just like work. I am so over being perfect I am starting to feel homicidal. Seriously so angry I could hurt someone. Or I feel that way, I probably really could not hurt a roach, but you know what I mean.

Today this customer at work said he was going to the desert for a trip, and he may never come back. I really envy him. That is what I need. I can't do this daily never ending grind with no end. I need to find myself and my happiness.
How is the question.

I need my freaking sister back. Instead I have every reason to believe that H.'s best friend, and H's partner are now lovers in H's house that H's partner got ownership of in H's death. She only died FIVE months ago.
Again, violence is all that invokes in me. If I find that to be true I will take down both of them. And I have never beat anyone up in my life.

Thanks, once again for listening. I feel like lately all I ever do is whine. Sorry.

 

[Sara PA]

Are you the Fixer in your family?

Can you resign?

 

[ML]

Steely, please take care of yourself. We care about you and I for one find it hard to see you go through so much cr@p. I'm glad you're over being perfect. Too much work and little payoff.

Whatever it takes to nurture yourself right now, do it.

The grief is still raw. It will take time. Hang in there and know you are loved.

Love and hugs,

Michele

 

[trinityroyal]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Steely,

You need time to focus on you, your grieving, your healing.

First of all, work. With the high level of distress this is causing you I would suggest going to your GP and looking into stress leave. The psycho has created a toxic work environment for you and it is affecting your health. You can't be expected to continue to do your job under those conditions. Your employer is obligated to provide you with a safe working environment, and that includes safety from mental cruelty. I suspect that they can be liable if they force you to continue working with this woman. Not sure of U.S. employment law, but it's worth looking into.

Your grief for your sister is like a raw ragged wound. It may have scabbed over but it will take time...a very long time to start healing. Please be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do.

It also sounds like you're under a lot of pressure from your parents to put on a face of being positive and happy and helpful when you're being torn apart by grief and stress. If they are not there to support you when you need it, but expect you to dig up your last reserves of strength to support them, then maybe you need to pull back from them for a while so that you can focus on you and what you need.

Don't let them make you feel guilty. You've got to take care of you before you can have the strength to take care of anyone else.

We are here for you and we love you. Sending strength your way and so very sorry for your pain.

Trinity

 

[Wiped Out]

Steely,

I truly wish I had magic dust to sprinkle and make things better.

I hate dealing with people at work that are the way you describe-I wish the company would do something about it for you-drives me crazy what some companies will put up with!

I'm sorry your parents aren't more understanding and that the nightmares are back.

Sending many prayers and hugs your way.

 

[house of cards]

I'm really sorry that things are so hard for you right now, know that alot of us at this board care about you. You should look into a medical leave from your job because of your health, and then while you are out you can look for a lower keyed, more peaceful and supportive work enviorment. No job is worth your health.

 

[Steely]

Yea, I am the fixer in the family, and I officially resign. All I wanted was a hug tonight from my family, and instead I got a thousand things I should be doing different. I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

Trinity I am gonna copy and paste what you just said about a safe workplace and submit it tomorrow to the managers.

I can't stop crying. H. was not perfect, but one thing she was was a listener. My grief is so raw, it has not even been tapped into. She was such a large part of me, and now she is gone.

Neil Young says I need a horse and a desert.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La, la ...

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

OK, I hope I don't confuse you.

You feel a certain way. And you are entitled to feel that way.

But feeling that way is making you feel guilty for feeling that way. That makes you feel even worse than feeling that certain way to start with.

You are taking on guilt and blame for things that you do not have to.

At this point, you have absolutely no control over Mrs. Witchiepoo at your job, your parents' attitude, your difficult child, or even your sister's death (nor her friends actions now). You have control over you and your actions. That is it. I know it is hard to take control if you are feeling depressed or overwhelmed. What can you do for you to relieve some of your stress?

Keep talking on the board. We want to help you.

XOXO

 

[Steely]

I totally get it Kitty. And I totally agree. I walk around feeling like I have to be a certain way, ALL of the time. Why do I have to be that way??? Cuz my sub-conscious says so? I think that is why I feel so homicidal right now. Cuz I don't wanna be anyway except MAD. I am really, really, really MAD.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending many, many hugs. I wish I had an answer for you. Please take care of YOU, and then take care of what you need to take care of next. One step at a time.

 

[Hound dog]

Steely

Cuz I don't wanna be anyway except MAD. I am really, really, really MAD.

Then be mad. No be Mad.

Not a thing wrong with being mad, dear. You have very good solid reasons for being mad.

Now, on the off chance it just might help you vent some of that mad......Go grab a nice fluffy pillow. And picture in your mind said employee *itch of the Year. Got a good picture going?

Now beat the living **** outta that pillow while saying every darn thing that pops into your head that you'd love to tell the *itch while at work. Kick it, slam your fists into it, smack it into the wall. While your at it, add those good for nothing bosses who wanna look the other way and start whacking for them too.

Odds are you won't have much pillow left when you're finished. But it'll feel great.

Now that you're officially retired as the Family Fixer, you never again have to worry about what they think or don't think. Your parents can hold each other up, since they can't seem to figure out that their daughter can use some holding herself. If putting on a happy face and pretending all is well works for them....great. But it's obviously not working for you. You need to find your own way.

Grief tends to hit in waves. You're cresting again.

And we're always here for you cuz we love and care about YOU.

(((hugs)))

 

[totoro]

As I sit here in the Dessert... with a Monsoon over us. I am thinking of you. You know your post made me think about how I would be handling the things that you are going through?
So many times I just give up, I walk away. I become so overwhelmed with my anxiety and my emotions. I obsess about what is right or wrong, to me.
While the my move has given me hope and courage to face my issues and fears, I truly believe you are past these things.
You are actually dealing with so many things a lot of us would have just walked away from a long time ago.
I know it is ripping your soul out. But the steps you are taking are the right ones. You are not reactive, you are being pro-active in your own life. You are trying to make things right for yourself.
2 steps forward, 1 step back... it is slow but I think you are really going to be OK one day, or you would not be questioning all that you feel. You would have just let your rage take over.
Your a good person. You are getting over the hurdles, you will.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Sending some hugs.

beth

 

[timer lady]

Steeley,

I'd like to offer that you turn off Neil Young - I listened to him when my sister died & I was ready to commit suicide myself. I'm not being harsh here - Neil Young should be banned during a depressive episode in anyone's life.

Everyone else has offered you many suggestions & ideas. I'd like to offer you just a shoulder to lean on until you work this out. I'm not in your shoes - don't know how I'd react to how your sister died & all the happenings since. I do know that I'm worried about you.

Have you shared these same thoughts & feelings with a therapist? Are you willing & able to take a medical leave for the sake of your sanity?

Please, be gentle with yourself. Have a cuppa chamomile tea, a warm bath & plan something soothing for you & you alone. It's time to take care of you.

 

[nvts]

Hey Steely! I'm one of the most non-violent people on Gods earth, but I've gotta tell you, I LOVE watching old Sopranos episodes when people get me to where they've gotten you! If I can't be violent, at least I can watch totally, non-conscionse bearing individuals handling things the way they wanted to!

Linda's right. Stop the Neil Young! He'd cause Mr. Rodgers to run screaming into the night when he'd get a little down in the dumps.

I've often told people that I've got the perfect platform to run for President. My platform would be to have "Murder Amnesty Day". One day a year you could go out and kill the ONE PERSON THAT CHRONICALLY P'S YOU OFF, and do so with no repercussions. If I was to win, and institute this practice, I figure I'd need to live until I was 106 years old!

I said it in another post - you're feeling all of this guilt for feeling the way you do because you were conditioned to take responsibility for "whatever goes wrong" when you were a child. But guilt is a useless emotion unless you're using it on someone else that you want something from. Release the guilt - it's not doing you, the witch at work, difficult child, H's memory, OR anyone any good. I know in the Teens forum, people are always saying you need to detach - detach from your own guilt. It doesn't change anything it just makes things worse!

Keep in mind: Beth for Pres. in 2012!

Feel better hon. And no, you're not whining all the time. If we thought you were, we're all friends enough to tell you!!

Beth

 

[Steely]

Now that you're officially retired as the Family Fixer, you never again have to worry about what they think or don't think. Your parents can hold each other up, since they can't seem to figure out that their daughter can use some holding herself.

Wow, never again worry about what they think, cuz they can hold each other up. Yep. You are so right. Why should I worry so much about them when they can't even manage to lend one shoulder to me?

 

[Steely]

I've often told people that I've got the perfect platform to run for President. My platform would be to have "Murder Amnesty Day". One day a year you could go out and kill the ONE PERSON THAT CHRONICALLY P'S YOU OFF, and do so with no repercussions. If I was to win, and institute this practice, I figure I'd need to live until I was 106 years old!

Keep in mind: Beth for Pres. in 2012!
Beth

OH Man!!! Love it!!!
I am gonna think of that today when I see witchy-poos face. And you know what I am gonna have no guilt about those feelings either!!! CauseI will have a friend who will be president soon, and let me take down at least one person a year, legally, and you, witchy, are first on my list.

I think all of you are right that I need to just stop being caught up in what everyone else around me thinks I should do, and just do what I need to do. Even if that means taking a leave until I can find a more peaceful job/me/world.

 

[nvts]

You might qualify for short term disability due to the hostile work environment (rather than the possibility of unpaid leave!). If not, there's my second part of my platform!

Beth

 

[PonyGirl]

So sorry Steely for your pain. Just so you know? Horse with No Name is by America, not Neil Young. I respect the idea to turn off the song, but completely understand if you cannot.

I lost my mom four years ago, and my grief and loss seem more powerful to me today than ever. I value my tears and my pain as a tribute to how much I loved her.

I know she is with me in my heart, just as your dear sister is in yours. But I would give everything I own, for one more hug.

Prayers for you my friend, that things look better in the morning light.

Peace

 

[Abbey]

Love Linda's idea of turning off Neil Young. Everyone has their music that brings back memories...makes them weep. Give Neil a rest.

Obviously you are angry/hurt about your sister. Honestly, dear, there is nothing you can do about it but grieve, and you have that right.

Have you considered getting a different job? That is ONE thing you can change. Your job seems to give you great stress, which is not something you need right now. I know it's easier said than done, but it might be somewhat of a nice, fresh start.

Abbey