So, I really have some of the worst nightmares of anyone I have ever encountered. Most of them stem from PTSD stuff that happened when I was a kid........but they are real, tangible, breath taking nightmares that leave me mentally wracked far into the next day. So last night, I had one of these larger than life nightmares about my son. He was killed in a motorcycle accident in the dream - but every aspect was so vivid and real, it has left me a mess today. It incorporated every aspect of our real life all in metaphors, down to the minutia of: ~he had the wreck because he was racing his dirt bike on this small road "of life" with no care to the dangers that others had told him about ~the guy in charge of the track told him that this run would not be a good one because a tanker truck was coming the other way. difficult child told him it "would be fine", "he would just go around it". Everyone told him that he could not go around it, he had to just not be on the track. difficult child ignored them. ~I was watching from far away, knowing it was all dangerous, but he had done stuff like this since the day he was born - so I did not intervene. ~I watched the whole dream unfold as he zoomed down the track and into the wheels of this tanker truck, and then I hid my eyes. ~No one could find his body, and they blamed me for hiding my eyes. ~I had to convince everyone that I knew he really was dead - because I had watched him go under the wheels - despite the fact we could not find the body. This dream was so real - I was screaming and crying as if Mat really had died. And it encountered every feeling I might have if difficult child really had died. Even, my guilt ridden relief that I would no longer have to deal with his crud, was in the dream. In fact that was the point I seemed to wrestle most with in the dream. Was I really relieved, in some small way? At the end I decided there was no part of me that was relieved - that I simply could not live without him - and all I could do is scream and cry in this life without him. Then the dream morphed into death as it pertains to my life - my grandparents were in it, who are both dead. And my dad, who has brain cancer, was dead already in the dream, and my mom had also died..........and I was ALL alone. It was horrible. I guess the thing about this dream is that so much of it was metaphorical for what I really feel and am experiencing with Mat - that I feel there was some sort of message in it. Am I really hiding my head in the sand as I watch him wreck his life? Would there really be some small part of me that is relieved if he disappeared? What a horrible thought! Do I have enough anger at him for all of the things he has done that I wish him dead sometimes? Again, horrible! Or the worst, most haunting thing is, am I sensing a potential disaster but not consciously aware of it that this dream was trying to warn me about. I know........I can spin things. It is just that these dreams like this - almost always have deep meaning for me - so to have one of this horrible of a magnitude has me reeling. Oh, how I wish I did not need to sleep! I hate, hate, hate, dreams.