My house is really a Three Ring Circus

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Oct 8, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    H and difficult child had a blow up last night. It was all precipitated by our middle dog biting easy child's puppy on the head.

    Just as I was pulling out the vacuum last night, H was stomping up the stairs. The dogs get very excited and were likely also wondering where dinner was. So they were all racing to the stairs and the puppy, Izzy, nipped at the older dog, Nala, but I broke it up before anything happened. As I returned to the vacuum, I heard wild yelping from the puppy. Seemed she was running and in the excitement nipped at the middle dog, Sophie, and she bit back at the pup. Izz ran to me and I scooped her up, still yelping wildly, and ran to the bathroom. Unbeknownst to me, difficult child gave Sophie a whap just as H came running up the stairs, asked what happened and when difficult child told him, he really whacked Sophie - to difficult child's horror. She turned and yelled at him that she had already smacked Sophie and then called H and @$$hole. Yeah.

    So, H yelled back at difficult child that Sophie needs to understand that it's not okay to bite (she has bitten Nala on occasions and drew blood). So, immediately, because they both freakin personalize every little word and nuance towards one another, they are now yelling, difficult child's crying, yes, my house is "Crazyland" now. difficult child goes for her keys and says she's getting the "F out of here"...then they are struggling over her keys - H grabbing them and telling her to stop being such a F-ing drama queen and to grow up and be an adult already (it was lovely) as I'm trying to settle the poor yelping puppy whose head is now bleeding and she's shaking uncontrollably. I get between them to make them see they are upsetting me and the dog but then difficult child slaps H's face. Yes.

    And, to be honest, if I could have gotten there first and had thought of it, I would have slapped his face as well...and difficult child's.

    At that point, H walked outside (I am sure so as not to slap difficult child back but he doesn't hit) and I again told difficult child to go to her room and she proceeded to cry hysterically.

    At this point, I am really just more focused on the puppy and in my head I was just thinking, "They can both run away for all I care" but I needed someone to drive me and the pup to the emergency vet...yes. Turns out Sophie not only got her forehead, but also her left eye! It was pretty gross and I don't want to make anyone sick. She had to be seen. I seek out H who, when I ask him to drive me, begins to tell me how everything is my fault...I am the reason difficult child doesn't respect him, dredges up ancient history - I mean ANCIENT, things we've supposedly worked on from when difficult child was little - and then tells me that I am the reason things got out of hand. I asked him if he recalled that I was in the bathroom with the puppy almost the entire time, and that he and difficult child were the ones yelling and wrestling over keys. So, I went to find difficult child to drive me. H, the self righteous jerk sitting there on the couch all dirty from work watching jeopardy. Urgh.

    Oh, and did I mention that the entire time, we have a set of painters on our house, painting? Yeah, it was a beautiful scene. And how at the last moment as difficult child went outside, she screamed how much she hates H? On the front lawn. We're like a three ring circus....or simply a horrible spectacle for our neighbors to bear witness to. I can't believe no one called the cops, seriously.

    So, difficult child drove me to the vet, I texted easy child to tell her what happened with her pup (she was at class) and $235 later (money that is now overdrawn from my emergency account), Izz has pain and antibiotic medications, ointments, etc. Thankfully, she will be okay - her eye had trauma, but nothing permanent. She's in pain. By then I was crying...for the puppy and my money.

    After all this, easy child came home and I was able to settle down for the evening. I asked difficult child if she wanted to talk, she said not really because she doesn't know what to say. I told her it was wrong to hit H and to swear at him. All of her friends get into this type of drama at their homes and I don't want it in mine...she was just weeping. H came to snuggle (?!) with me on the couch and I just put up my hand - "I am upset and angry, in case you hadn't noticed" and he said, "I can tell from your face and the way you're sitting" but said nothing else. Still acting as if he was Jesus Christ or something.

    I want to write them a letter. A joint letter. It's both of them. Not one or the other - they are volatile and I cannot be in the middle. I stepped away from the center of the ring a long time ago so they could work it hasn't changed anything. It pains me to see irreparable damage being done and although there is nothing I can do about it - I want them to stop dragging me back into their ****. So, do you think it's okay to write them a joint letter or do I just continue to stay uninvolved and bite my tongue while my stomach does flip flops and I puke my guts out? Last night I nearly puked when we came back home, that's how upset I was at the thought of having to face H last night. I seriously felt like I didn't want to be home. I'm tired of both of them and their drama. Things have just been going along so great. And it's like we've taken a giant step backwards. Makes me ill.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    First off Jo, {{{{{HUGS}}}}} for you and for Izzy.

    I'm sorry that your H and difficult child can't let you stay detached from your drama, and keep dragging you into the middle of things. You shouldn't have to deal with that cr@p. It's not right...the way I read it is that your H unloads vitriol all over you because he figures that you are a "safe target" if you will. Your love is unconditional, and he figures he can get back into your good graces.

    Honestly, I think a joint letter might be beneficial. If not for your difficult child and your H, certainly for you. It will draw a clear boundary as to what you will not put up with, from your difficult child or your H, in your own home.

    You shouldn't have to feel sick at the thought of facing your H, and he needs to know that.

    Sorry for your hurting heart.

  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Yes, I think you should write a letter to the both of them. They are responsible for their own relationship, but it also spills over onto everyone else in the house - and the neighborhood, too, it sounds. That's out of bounds.

    It's like I tell my daughter...if you want to be miserable, that's your prerogative. I, however, do not want to be miserable and you will not be dumping your misery on me.

    I'm sorry you had such a horrible night. I'm glad Izzy is going to be ok.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Jo...I'm so sorry. I absolutely hate that kind of drama, when you feel like you're breaking up a fight on the playground. That's happened around here more times than I even care to remember.

    I would write the letter, but do it for you, because if your crowd is like my crowd, neither one of them would read it, and if they did read part of it, they would only understand that everything is the other one's fault. Did that make sense? Both Hubby and Miss KT think they are right, the other is wrong, and here comes Mom to mediate, and it makes me sick.

    Glad the puppy will be all right, and many hugs to you.
  5. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Oh, easy child and husband thankfully don't come to quite that degree. Several years ago we had a chat. I put them both in the same room and told them they were going to listen. (Similiar to what i imagine your letter will do). I still have moments that I look at them and wonder what in the world they are doing but I do my darnedest to stay out away from it. He parents differently than she wants and she childs differently than he wants. But we all live in the same house and need to have peace.

    I know when it was bad for a while here I had to do something. I see it potentially ramping up here again. I too would address it at that point.

    Write the letter. Even if you should decide not to give it to them (and I would probably reccommend that you do with as bad as it seems to be) it will help you to get it all out.

    many, many hugs,
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jo, I don't have the wisdom of the ages. (wish I did!)

    Want to know what I used to do when husband and Nichole would do this sort of thing? Cuz it really drives me right over the edge to wanting to physically hurt both of them.......

    I get right in between them and scream as loud and gfgish as possible for them to both SHUT UP!!! I'm guessing the look that would be on my face when I did that must've been awful as they'd both go pale and shut up. (Or calm collected Mom suddenly going difficult child on them was scarey as heck.) lol They'd usually stomp off to their repective "corners" but it ended it and I didn't have to listen to the bs anymore.

    My husband baits, then esculates it, then pouts about it. In many ways he's worse than both difficult child's combined. I swear.

    I stopped getting in the middle when the kids were old enough to hold their own. But that doesn't mean that I, nor the whole frimpin neighborhood needs to listen to them going at it.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I wrote the letter, it was pretty danged good. I even shortened it to exactly one page so it wasn't too much or too long that they'd both give up reading. I re-read it and then read it to my friend. And then I tore it up.

    After much consideration and reading here and talking with my friend, I realized that no amount of reasoning on my part is going to bridge a divide that has been going on for at least 9 years. I thought about thier relationship and how it's been since about 8 or 9 and I realized that that was just about the age that difficult child's heavy duty rage attacks and symptoms appeared. She has always said things that confirmed some deep set resentments towards H. He is her stepdad and although he's been a good one and H enjoys an incredibly close relationship with easy child, he and difficult child have always had an "I hate you, I love you" type of thing going.

    I've decided that 'it is what it is' and the only thing I can change is my attachment and reaction to them when things get heated. I can walk away - I can do exactly what I've always advised them to do. I will take the dogs for a walk or get in my car and go for a drive. I've done this in the past only to return home and have them each vent at me in the hopes I would choose one side or the other. From now on I will put up my hand and tell them "NO, YOU WORK IT OUT - THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME" and then, if I have to, I will leave again or go take a bath.

    I can't be there when they are in the thick of things because it's too difficult to remain detached and uninvolved, though I try. I hate seeing two people I love so much hurting each other and saying things that they cannot take back. So, that's why I need to remove myself.

    And, as I was seething and feeling tormented by all of this, they obviously had moved on. There we all were, sitting around the kitchen table after dinner, just chatting things up, laughing, sharing stories and making plans for difficult child's birthday. I was doing my nails as a way of remaining somewhat separated from them, but I was listening. Later, difficult child asked if H wouldn't mind if she went to meet a friend for coffee - I told her to go seek out H and ask him. She wasn't happy, but she did it. Later, H, in all his obliviousness, asked me why she asked him that. Well, der. He's just so stupid at times.

    Thanks ladies, once again, for helping think this through. And the puppy was scamping around teasing the older dogs again, but we're keeping a close eye on her -silly. Her eye looks better and the pain medications seem to be working.
  8. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Jo,
    glad to hear you have come up with a plan that should work for you. I can understand how you can't remain detached and uninvolved if you are there so I think leaving is a great idea.

    You are doing great! Hope today is a peaceful day at your house!

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Jo -

    Get Sophie some behavioral training and have them show you how to speak dog, to get order back in at least the pack of K9's.

    Sophie currently thinks she's the boss of the whole house - and is.

    Take care of THAT first...and get yourself educated on how to speak dog, and tell Sophie that YOU or husband is the Alpha dog of your pack. You cant tell her - you have to show her, and in order to SHOW her - you have to know the language. Once you do - there will be less biting and being territorial. If she's really bad - training AND a nylon Muzzle while she's in doors.

    Either that or lessen the pack and do NOT allow the puppy near Sophie- 2 is a pair - 3 is a pack. And she has counted you, difficult child, and husband in HER pack and mentality.

    As far as h and difficult child working it out? Who can say - but being the house police can't be good for you.

    If husband dredged up ANCIENT stuff......THAT would be my topic of interest at therapy - and MAKE NOTES so you don't forget to tell therapist.
    This needs to be addressed, dealt with and put to rest for good. Nuf is enough.

    So sorry about the Pup -