We are to take care of our children of course as their parents. For many years, that means guiding, directing, supporting, all of the physical support, i.e., safety, etc. Obviously, right?
As they grow, we are to start giving them more and more responsibility, within limits as they are able to handle it. A little bit at a time, like giving a horse more rope and letting it venture out more and more, within limits.
My difficult child son was very dependent all through his life, more so than my older easy child son. I remember people saying, oh, he just needs more time to grow up. Oh, this. Oh, that. I thought so, too.
I thought that still as I would literally pull him out of the bed multiple mornings to get to school. I mean, picture this: he was bigger and taller than me, and I am literally pulling him out of the bed, and pushing him into the shower. He didn't hear the alarm. He didn't hear the three or four alarms that we finally provided to him and he said he activated each night. Really? The rest of the world somehow gets up to an alarm clock, but you can't? Really?
That is just one example. It was me thinking, oh, he's just immature, he's just annoying, he's just lazy, he's just....
It was a slow decline (to my observation and knowledge).
I believe my son has the "addiction genetics." Looking back I believe he was born with it. Difficult baby, colic, formula intolerance. He wasn't comfortable in his own skin THEN.
But he was fairly functional, graduated high school, played soccer four years---not best player, not worst. The kind of trouble he got into was laziness, doing homework but not turning it in (what???), attitude, etc. Subtle stuff. But growing.
It was when he was about 20 that he went over the cliff, almost overnight it seemed to me, looking back. I'm sure I don't see it clearly because he is a master at lying and hiding what he does. I'm sure there is so much I don't know.
In reaction to his growing negative behavior, I tightened up even more. Rules, consequences, yelling, begging, crying, talks, therapists (he wouldn't go or if he went he wouldn't talk), contracts (some he signed and didn't adhere to, some he tore up in my face and walked out), etc. Many times, he would promise to do this and that and I would believe him yet again, and give him yet another chance. But things just kept getting worse.
Then he got arrested for the first time 2.75 years ago. Possession and running into the back of another car. This was after his girlfriend
sat me down and gave me an earful. It was mind-blowing. I had no idea this was going on under my roof.
I went to Home Depot with my SO and cried the entire time he bought and installed all of the additional door locks and rekeyed the existing locks, because he was stealing from me when I was here and when I wasn't at home. I was changing the locks so MY OWN SON couldn't get back into the house he grew up in??? I tell you, I couldn't get my mind around it. He was way, way on down the road in his addiction and I was way, way behind in my thinking and behavior.
I can't write down all of the things that have happened, but it has been a rapid decline, more drama, more chaos, multiple arrests, multiple jail stints, multiple rehabs, halfway houses, homeless stints, etc.
All the time I'm thinking, this time will be the time he turns around. This time. This time.
I didn't know what I didn't know. How could I? I was a babe in the woods with this type of world and lifestyle.
So, did I turn from a loving, protective parent, into a codependent enabler? Yes I did.
One time I put it like this regarding my exhusband: First I compromised. Then I accommodated. Then I enabled. It happened slowly and over time.
With my ex-husband and with my son, I just took over more and more of what they should do for themselves.
And then, when I learned differently, I started doing differently. It has taken me a long time to start changing but I have.
I don't know if all of what I just wrote helped answer your key question above or not. It's all I know about what has happened. We just all do the best we can, and I don't know how to do any more than than, every day.
Best to you, and many prayers.