My lil' runaway...very,very worried.

[Flustered]

Hello everyone...

I am so glad to find you...I sooo need some support! My daughter (lives with her dad) ranaway Thurs from school, no one can find her. I am extremely worried & scared for her. She is living in a not soo good part of town, which I am really not happy about.

Lil' background info...this might be long. Amanda has a history of running. She is diagnosis'ed with- ODD, depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Her counselor & I worked hard to get her to where she was, she was going to school, not being quite as defiant, she was grooming herself & was ALMOST like a normal teen. We had her on Amitryptiline for her headaches, but, it was also helping with her behavior.

A lil' about me, I have chronic pain, I hurt 24-7. I am on some strong pain medications that just dull the pain. My blood test showed that my glucose is a bit high, co2 is low. I have a chest cat scan on Monday, as they found a spot on my xray. They are also testing me for Stiff person syndrome. I'm okay with all this believe it or not, I just want answers, I've been hurting for almost 2 years now, with-o knowing why.

Back to topic, that was needed so you understand why I couldn't handle Amanda anymore.

Her dad decided to show up back in her life after 9 years. I had gotten a protection order against him for five of it. He was sposed to go get visitation rights, but did not.

When he showed up in her life, it was the same ol' ****. He tried to take off with the kids. I had to have the sheriff go & escort them back.

Amanda went totally back to square one. VERY defiant and was becoming physically abusive towards me again, with my medication condition, I can not tolerate being beat on. I had to call the sheriff out on her. You see, her dad was offering her a "better life" & she wanted to go live with him. I told her that she could as soon as he got a job & had a place for her to live. Obviously, that did not sit well with her & she became frustrated & violent. She would block me in rooms & bully me. I was very disappointed because she had come sooo far to go so far back downhill. The sheriff told me to go ahead & let her go live with him, as did CPS (yes the dad called cps on me, & was then told that it is illegal to file false complaints ).

Aug. 31 she went to live with her dad, but he dropped her off at his sisters house & he was living elsewhere & would see her on the weekends. He took her off her medications with-o weaning her off, because he insisted there is nothing wrong with her. Even tho, I gave him all her psychiatric reports when she went to live with him, as well as a book on ODD.

She started skipping & refusing to go to school again (I had her going to school everyday). She got caught shoplifting at the mall & was banned from a store (she never did that here). Her attitude went totally back to square one, but worse. Thurs, she ran away from school. Her dad did not report her missing until the following morning. I live 7 1/2 hours away, so my sis did report her. She has ran before, but i have always found her & got her home within 2 hours of her running. With her dad flaking like that....well...she's never been gone this long. I am totally terrified & worried about her.

Any suggestions?
Flustered

 

[daralex]

So glad you found us - the people on this board are amazing and incredibly supportive!
So mine does lots of things - but not a runaway, I don't know how helpful I can be - but I'll give it a shot.

Are the police looking for her?
Do you have names and numbers of any kids she hangs out with or is there a place you know of that she goes to?
Is your schmuck of an ex helping in any way to locate her?
Is there anyone else where she is that you know and could be of assitantce to you?
Does she have a cell phone that you could try to track her down by?
Do you and his sister have good communication - can she be of any help - maybe scour the malls, etc.
I know, sorry, lots of questions!

Most of all I just want you to know how sorry I am for your situation. I had an ex like that but I happened to have gotten lucky and he dropped dead a few years back. Keep strong, keep persistant. I'm sure someone else on the board will come along and be much more effective than me, but wanted you to know we are all here for you and want to help in any way we can.

-Dara

 

[Flustered]

Thanks, Dara!

To answer your questions:

Yes the police are involved & I do believe they have contacted cps, for neglect.

I don't have the names or #'s of any of her friends up there I plan on asking for them, but daddy has already told me that he doesn't know most of them or how to get ahold of them. My sister did try to get them from him, but he's being reluctant to share.

Her "Dad" is not doing much to help find her, his theory is to let the cops handle it. Like they don't have other things they need to do. Sheesh.

My sister & my exboyfriend live up there. My sister is the one who reported her missing on the day she ran, cuz her dad did not. My ex is going to go hang flyers for us.

She has a cell phone, but her dad had taken it away from her cuz she was text messaging in class. So that's no help.

Her aunt on her dad's side, I have no way to contact as her phone was shut off.

No worries about all the questions.

Thank you again, very much.
Flustered

 

[Andy]

Oh hugs - lots of hugs! I can feel your fears. That is the one thing that absolutely terrifies me - loosing a child. I pray you are able to find her.

How old is your daughter? Did she have access for money? Has she talked about going certain places?

Praying hard and often for you and your daughter.

 

[Flustered]

Thanks, Andy!

We could use all the prayers ya got! The good news is that she did sign into her MySpace account today, so she is somewhere safe. She would not respond to anyone, tho.

Amanda is 16, I guess i really should've stated that. I do not think she has access to any money, but we don't think that she is by herself. Her dad mentioned that she was overheard talking to some kids about wanting to run back down here, to her boyfriend. Its an awful long jaunt tho.

Thank you so much.
Flustered

 

[susiestar]

Welcome flustered!

I am sorry. This is the worst situation a mom can imagine. I am glad she posted on her Myspace - for many kids that is the ONLY way a parent can know they are even alive.

You seem to have covered all the bases I could think of, though did you contact the friends and boyfriend in YOUR area? She may have gotten a ride (many 16yo's have friends that can drive) and may be there with them.

I am praying and sending many hugs to you. I totally understand the situation of not being able to physically tolerate the bullying (Wiz was 14 when I had our Sheriff remove him - he lives with my parents now and is doing well, but we very VERY violent with me and I have many health problems and pain disorders).

Stick around, there is a LOT of support and caring here, a really AMAZING group.

Susie

 

[Andy]

I wonder if MySpace organization has anyway to help you track her conversations? Maybe they can give police some names of who she has written to or received info from?

If they are determined, 7 1/2 hrs would not be an issue for teenagers who can drive. How old is her boyfriend? Have you talked to his parents?

I hate MySpace for the preteens through 19/20 yr olds. They can get connected with friends of friends of friends who really are not friends, just people who know of each other.

When my daughter was 15, I refused to let her go a few states away with a friend's family to a wedding because I found out that her newest "internet boyfriend" was from that state. She told me there was no way they would connect but the people taking her are ones that allowed (they helped and let him live with them!) their daughter to meet and bring home a boyfriend from the internet when she was 15 (some parents have no common sense!) I am so glad I held firm and increased her hate for me because this "boyfriend's" brother ended up at the wedding. And I know she was making plans to connect somehow and I know the parents of the friend would have not only allowed it but done everything in their power to make it happen.

Still praying!

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, so sorry, Flustered.
(And welcome.)
I like Adrianne's suggestion to see if MySpace can help locate her.
I am so glad you found her on there. As others have said, sometimes that is the only way a parent can find out that there kids are safe.
She is clearly in contact with-people who are helping her, so as a mom, I would hope that would help you calm down a bit.
It sounds like as long as she is in contact with-her dad, things will be rough.
My only suggestion is that if and when she comes back, you give her a day to sleep and rest b4 you talk to her about medications and a diff lifestyle.
Other than that, you have certainly thought of everything.
Best of luck. Let us know if she calls or shows up.

 

[Ropefree]

How about intensive in home therapy? The reallity is that we, parents, are the only people who can support our children to learn about how to neigotiate and have patience for the reality in life. Children are born to learn and they can only learn for what they have to work with. How about intensive home therapy?
Also, if the girl has a treatment plan and one parent is not following it and also does not have the ability to keep her safe.....running away underage is not safe...
maybe the answer is in what is in the childs best interest.

 

[JJJ]

Ropefree -- it is never in a child's best interest to allow them to beat on a parent. There is a line and Amanda has crossed it. Yes, it is scary and sad that she has run away but at 16, she knows better. Intensive home therapy doesn't exist in most states. We couldn't even get 1 hour a month let alone anything "intensive".

Most of our children need more than parenting. They need a full village helping raise them.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there.
We kind of need more information to help you the best we can. Let me throw some questions at you. We are working on limited knowledge.

1/Who evaluated her and when was her last evaluation? Has she ever seen a neuropsychologist or a Psychiatarist?

2/Any mood disorders or substance abuse on either side of the family tree. Do you know if she is using drugs? My daughter (now 24) was a big drug abuser and we didn't even know it until she quit and told us the gory details .We thought she just smoked pot once in a while (and it was so much worse, and that was bad enough).

3/Did she have any issues as a very young child--learning to talk or socializing with peers for example?

All that said, I can tell you that by 16 it's really hard to reign in a wayward teen. By 18 they are "legal." My daughter found very inventive ways to do what she wanted to do. Even when she was grounded she would get out at night by taking her window off in her bedroom. Calling the police to get her, did bring her home, but it didn't stop the drug abuse. Nor did being on parole twice for getting busted for pot. Nor did our giving her no money at all. Nor did homeschooling her (sigh). She had to decide on her own to straighten out, and she did that after we made her leave.

You may want to do a signature like we did below.
Sorry you have to be here, but welcome. You may want to post on the teen forum.

 

[Flustered]

Thanks again, all.

I do have a message out to MySpace to see if they can help track her down...just playing the waiting game there.

Midwest mom,
To answer your questions

1. She has seen several psychiatrists, her last psychiatric evaluation was 2/9/06. I hadn't had her re-evaluated, because before her dad showed up in her life, she was doing great. She also had a school psychiatric evaluation. Me & her counselor worked very, very hard to get her to where she was. Everything all fell apart when he showed up. It probably doesn't help that he won't admit she has a problem & took her off her medications cold turkey.

2. I suffer from depression, her dad seems to be a bit ODD himself. He used to use drugs & drink heavily, but has cleaned up. I alcoholism runs on both sides of our family & drug abuse runs on his side. I do not know if she is using drugs, she is now living 7 1/2 hours away from me. She wasn't using when she lived with me.

3. She did have issues when she was a young child. I started her in Kindergarden, I would have to pick her up & put her on the school bus kicking & screaming, then was told she couldn't ride the bus anymore. She would get to school & hide under her desk. She has always been prone to horrible temper tantrums, more so then a normal child. Very very clingy. Her dad abducted her from me when she was 1 & kept her for a week before he finally returned her to me, cuz she screamed nonstop for me the whole time.

I tried to fix my signature, am unsure if it took or not. She is diagnosis'ed as : ODD, generalized anxiety, needle/school phobias, depression

Thanks again.
Flustered

 

[Jena]

Hi

I'm so sorry I'm late to this. Wow it can be so very difficult. So, do the police have any leads right now? Besides the My space page that is??

 

[witzend]

I hope that you will find her safe and sound soon. If it is at all possible you should contact the boyfriend and other friends in your area and tell them and their parents that you need to know where she is and that she is not off with someone who is truly dangerous. I suspect some of her "friends" will want to keep her secret. But all parents will understand, and some of her girlfriends will understand the danger that she has put herself in. Rally them all up. Someone will talk.

 

[TerryJ2]

She's had a rough life and it seems like she lost the genetic lottery. Some day, she will come to you with-open arms. She's just got to make it through this point in her life.
I like the idea that you posted on MySpace.
{{Hugs}}

 

[Wiped Out]

Flustered,
I am hoping she is home safe and sound by now. If not, saying a prayer she is soon.

 

[Flustered]

Thank you all for your thoughts. They truly mean alot to me.
Amanda was found, finally. Now get this, her dad is letting her to continue to stay with the people who harbored her! I am soooo upset. I finally blew, I told him " You can't just let her stay with every Tom, Dick & Harry, just because you are not man enough to step up & take care of her!" Of course he hung up on me. I am now seeking a lawyer, as he refuses to give me the phone # or the address to where she is. I did get to talk to her, she sounded almost "robotic". I think she has just gone numb. I am truly very worried about her. I am sure she is feeling pretty unloved & abandoned right now.
Thanks so much everyone, you all are great.
Hugs,
Flustered

 

[Anaheimfan]

Glad to hear that she was found and you got to talk to her, somewhat. Hope everything works out for you.

 

[Andy]

I am so glad you have hear from her. I hope the lawyer can help. Do the police know where she is? I would think they would give you that information.

 

[Jena]

hi,

So, question I have is does dad have legal custody of her, or do you? I'm sorry you might of written yet I did not see.