My Little "Entitled" Artist

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Stella Johnson, Sep 7, 2008.

  1. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    The 2nd day of school difficult child told the band director that she does NOT want to be in band and that she is an artist.

    I forced the band elective because I want her to be part of a group. I honestly think it will be good for her if she will give it a chance. She keeps saying she can't play the clarinet.

    Friday she came home and announced to me that she is an artist and wants art classes. I told her she is staying in band. She is upset she doesn't already know how to play the clarinet. She thinks it should just come to her.

    On another note I caught her sneaking a pair of my platform-like sandals to school along with- my phone charger. She came home from school and I went through her backpack like I normally do. I found both of them in her bag. The day before she had asked if she could wear the shoes. She whined and begged but I told her they were inappropriate for her. She kept saying they are "allowed" to wear them.:mad:

    She took the phone charger because she said she needed to charge her mp3 player at school.

    I told her that what she did was stealing and she was grounded. Then she kept argueing that it was not stealing:mad::mad: In her little mind she feels entitled I guess.

    I also caught her trying to put my make up on several times before school.

    The weird thing is she wants to be a teenager but she is still playing with dolls and little kid stuff.

    This pre-teen phase is going to be the death of me.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Sorry- it's been a tough week for you. I wish I could help but I found 11yo to be the start of big struggles for my son, just like you said - the preteen stage is not easy. Hang in there!

    I'd probably give on the band issue, if she really isn't interested and if you can get her in art class and she can get into another constructive outlet. But the other things you mentioned- yep, I'm right there with you!
  3. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    I'm on the fence on the band issue. Daughter BEGGED me to be in band for a year. I waited because I wanted to be sure. She joined in 6th grade, came home with the clarinet, and promptly threw a tantrum because she couldn't get a sound out of it. She also just expected to be able to play once her lips hit that reed.

    I don't know. You made her join. Are you sure you want to fight this battle? I have to be honest, preteen is just the beginning. You will probably need your energy in many other areas raising her. I understand your reasons why you want her to be in band, but oh my, already sneaking the shoes.

    Is she truly interested in art? I would certainly consider that option.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    if she could wear the shoes. She whined and begged but I told her they were inappropriate for her. She kept saying they are "allowed" to wear them.:mad:

    Oooh, does THAT sounds familiar!

    I told her that what she did was stealing and she was grounded. Then she kept argueing that it was not stealing:mad::mad: In her little mind she feels entitled I guess.

    Yup. They don't get it.

    I also caught her trying to put my make up on several times before school.

    I let my daughter wear vaseline on her lips like gloss. Then we graduated to real lip gloss. Then she started with-eye makeup. It's a never-ending battle. I'd suggest one item ea 6 mo's so she has something to look forward to. Maybe have her pay for it out of her allowance, because it's a want, not a need.

    The weird thing is she wants to be a teenager but she is still playing with dolls and little kid stuff.

    That's normal. Lots of kids are torn. Wait until she is fully developed and wants to date, and she still takes her blankie to bed with-her. They are little girls in women's bodies. It's a hard time in their lives.
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Clarinet really is a hard instrument at first. I'm not sure I'd push it all that far. She didn't ask for band. You chose it for her. Rarely a good mix.

    I'm not sure I'd qualify taking the shoes and charger as stealing. It was taking without permission but it doesn't sound like she intended to keep them. Legally, the intent is missing. To my mind, this is what all kids do -- they "borrow" from their parents and the poor parents go nuts. It really is part of the package with kids. She'd definitely have a consequence for taking the items and her backpack would be searched before leaving for school at this point.

    Actually, I found the pre-teens harder than the teens themselves. So much entitlement, so little sense. Hormones going crazy. Logic non-existent. You have my sympathies.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I called these the "Rule Setting" years with my easy child. So many new issues coming and at a high speed. This board can list all their experiences with pre-teens and still a new and weird one would come up.

    The beginning of the school year is a good time to go over "Rules of the Year" and make it known that there are others that will be brought to light on as needed basis (a.k.a., we don't know what they are yet).

    Isn't it funny how your child is the ONLY one in the whole world not allowed to do something (like wear make up and those shoes you didn't approve.)? Who hasn't heard, "But everyone else does ......"?

    Does she have a small group of friends that you can have a "back to school" party? Invite someone who can teach the girls about facial care. If they hear it from someone else, they will listen more than if you tell them. They are wanting the next stage of growing up and if make up is off limits, then they should learn the proper care of skin and nails. The right person should be able to convey that beauty comes from within. They do not need make up to be beautiful.

    Maybe a hairstylist can also be at the party? If the girls can spend more time on their hair, the make up issue may to into hiding (for a few months anyway?)

    I would let her change from band to art. She will otherwise end up with a bad grade in band - much of it is based on attitude.

    And of course, searching the backpack before she leaves the house is a natural consequence of her past actions.

    She is going to complain a lot about not getting her way. Stand your ground. Sometimes counting the excuses keeps it easier for you. When she comes back with another excuse, "Oh, that is # 4, interesting. #1 Everyone else does it, #2 The school allows it, #3 But I need it, # 4 Can't I just have it this one time? How many more can you think of? Haven't convinced me yet. Actually, the answer will always be "no" so please move on."
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Okay - I'm sorry but as an artist - I have to side with her on this one.

    True story -

    Second grade: WE could either pick ART class or Choir. I asked "What do you get if you join choir for years & years?" the teacher said "In high school you get to go to Disney world in FL and sing." THen I said "What do you get if you join ART class?" and the teacher said 'Art lessons'. So I did what any other Mickey Mouse loving 2nd grader did - and signed up for choir.

    In the music room the teacher (an older heavier version of AUnt Bea) tapping that long stick thingy everywhere - and wearing white gloves (ugh) had us sing "This Land is Your Land" and we started singing......

    TAP TAP TAP - NO NO NO - separated the group into 2 - left side sing - MMMm okay - Right side that I was in - OH MY WORD that......sound. And again Separated the 1/2 I was in. Of course I'm looking around for the kid that sounds SO awful - because I'm Marie Osmond - I sing along at church and I listen to Diana Ross.....and we start again. This process goes on until she gets down to ME and another girl - and then says "SING" and we do.....she taps that dang baton and yells SILENCE.STOP......OH DEAR and pointed at me with the baton and said in front of the ENTIRE choir

    YOU - (makes face and hands over ears) GO TO ART CLASS........

    Well - I can tell you that NONE of the kids in my class EVER did anything with their music......none are professional singers, NONE still play an instrument for money - But I've drawn some stuff and gotten paid -

    So in the end? I'm an artist - just like your little girl........

    :angel3:don't be mad. I'm really rather good.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I understand where you're going with the whole "being part of a group" thing.......but honestly, I wouldn't force band on her. Is there something else group like that she has an interest in? Choir? Something like that? Cuz if she really does hate it, she's not going to practice and only hate it more as the other kids improve and she doesn't....which will most likely have the opposite effect than desired.

    As for the pre-teen stage.......I am sooooo glad I'm long past it.

  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    OMG Steph! Have you ever heard a beginning clarinet player??? It's awful! Not for the faint hearted!

    If you don't know how to play them, the most gawd-awful horrible loud screeching noises can come out of them! Your teeth will be permanently on edge! See, I'm flashing back many, many, many years to when we were kids and my older brother was taking clarinet lessons at school. He really wanted to learn how to play it and he practiced ALL THE TIME! Constantly! Somewhere we have this old family picture - a real classic, like a Norman Rockwell painting! It's somebody's birthday, my grandparents were there, and we're all sitting around the kitchen table wearing party hats while my brother is "serenading" us with his clarinet! My younger brother was a baby then. Too young to be tactful, he's sitting in his high chair screaming, with his hands over his ears. My mother is trying hard to smile but she looks like she's going to be sick. My dad looks like he wants to start beating his head against the wall till it stops. My grandmother has her eyes closed, like she's trying her best to achieve an out-of-body experience. And even my sweet extremely tolerant grandpa is rolling his eyes heavenward like he's praying, "Dear Lord, please take me now!"

    Let her take the art classes, hon ... trust me on this one.
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Choir is a wonderful idea ~ Steph won't practice if she hates the class or even the instrument. You know this - you just need the "mom pre-teen reminders or you'll lose your mind" talk.

    As for makeup, I took kt to a makeup counter (I called ahead & told the makeup lady how I wanted it done). It worked wonders. Now that kt is 14, she is using just a bit of foundation powder, blush & a hint of eye shadow. Sometimes tinted lip gloss. We've been working on this for 2 years now - always the same makeup lady & counter. kt always gets complements from others.

    Sending you the "preteen mom" hug you'll need every morning for the next couple of years.
  11. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Well, I forced the band issue because I really want her to be part of a positive group. 6th grade seems to be the year they start identifying themselves. I really don't want her to fall into the wrong cliche. She is so impressionable and will do anything to fit in and have friends. I know she is an easy target.
    Right now in band they really aren't playing their instruments yet. They are learning about it's history. I think this is why she is so bored with it. Plus she doesn't take well to anything new.

    She is interested in art. She loves painting, making sculptures, etc. Thing is she does not ant to follow any kind of instruction. She wants to make what she wants. I've tried getting her into art classes outside of school.
    She won't even follow the instructions on a craft kit at home.

    There is another problem.... she is pretty close to "developed." Most people do not believe she is 11 until she talks to them. She is 5'5", wears a juniors size 5, and size 9 shoe.:anxious:

    I agree, the logic is NOT there.;)

    She has an IEP so they can't give her too horrible of a grade.
    Yes, I think I have heard all of the excuses you listed. lol

    What a sad story about choir. I can't believe the teacher was so cruel.
    I'm an artist as well. I guess that is where my difficult child gets it.

    They don't offer choir in 6th grade. I wish. She really enjoys it in church

    I know what it sounds like. It will be awful at first.:D I loved that flashback story. :bigsmile:

    WOW! I can't believe the twins are 14!. Time flies.
    I can live with her wearing light tinted lip gloss now but thats about it. She has the prettiest complexion now. Sounds like you handled the makeup controversy well.

  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Soundsl ike you have a pretty realistic set of expectations. It is probably good that you help her find the group to fit into.

    I COMPLETELY know how you feel with having her be "developed". Jessica is more "developed" than I am!! And she has been for 3 years. She says that the Boob Fairy skipped Grandma and Mom and came to her 2 extra times - gave her mo and Gma's share! That is straight from Jessie's mouth!

    She gets rather upset with the guys, but usually she gets even - no strap snapping lately because she and the other "developed" girls started stomping on the feet of the snappers. HARD. And when the teachers asked about it, it was and accident, just like the boys said about the strap snapping. So it settled down.

    Anyway, I hope that you win the makeup wars. I remember girls sneaking all kinds of makeup and putting it on in the bathroom. It is good to start NOW teaching her NOT to borrow eyeliner or mascara. Eye infections really HURT.

    Hugs to mom, these are the tough years.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Let us know how it goes in the next cpl wks.

    My difficult child is taking guitar. He loves his guitar (purchased 2nd-hand, but don't tell him) but I have no idea if he will be any good. Time will tell.