My "loving" bro...(vent)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    sent difficult child a card and we received it today. It was the same ole s**t. "Call me, call me, call me". ****, if difficult child wanted to call him, he would have done it. Then, bro says "he's sorry the family is so messed up and he can't help it what his mom (being me) thinks about him (being my bro)". Are you kidding me? This guy tried to convince people here that I was a lousy parent and that all difficult child's trouble was my fault. He tried to convince difficult child of this, too. During the time that bro's custody case was ongoing last year, the judge said I had to allow them contact because bro had told GAL that I wouldn't permit difficult child to talk with him (LIE). Anyway, bro yelled at difficult child several times during those phone calls telling difficult child that his mom didn't love him, that he was sorry all difficult child had was people like me and my mom for family, that difficult child was about to go into foster care and that it was because I wouldn't do anything for him, it went on and on until difficult child finally yelled back one day "that is a lie and I don't want to talk to you anymore and I don't ever want to live with you."

    Before it got to the point of bro filing for custody, bro was trying to get difficult child condoms (he was 12 and a virgin- the age of consent here is 13- now he's 13 and a virgin), he tried to get difficult child to sneak behind my back on things, he helped difficult child make a myspace page behind my back then told gal that I was letting difficult child do unacceptable things on the computer, he called the sd and told them he was worried about how I was raising "his nephew", he told difficult child that my rules were stupid, he claimed to the gal that he was only filing for custody to keep difficult child out of foster care yet he filed for permanent full custody and told difficult child that he would always be there to try to get it if difficult child ever asked him to, he refused to listen or believe that the gal had social services looking into a placement for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or psychiatric hospital or group home because difficult child had gotten into so much trouble and judge could have sent him to state juvy- it wasn't that they were removing him from home because CPS was involved or I was found to be a bad parent- he refused to listen when I tried to discuss difficult child's diagnosis, or what difficult child needed, or that he needed to quit stirring up **** or difficult child would end up in more trouble.

    He can't help or change how I feel about him? He hasn't spoken to my mom in a year. He hasn't apologized to me or difficult child once. But he's writing difficult child saying the same ole "call me" stuff- why? Because he thinks he can change how difficult child feels? So, he can't change how my mom or me now feel about him, but he's banking on changing how difficult child feels about him because he thinks he can sell this **** to difficult child- that's the way I take it.

    There has not ever been ONE time that he's discussed difficult child's diagnosis, medications, treatment, sd, real life stuff for difficult child or what is really in difficult child's best interest. It is always what bro wants and a bone or two thrown in about what difficult child wants. You know the type- what do you want for Christmas- not "this is what you need" or "what can I do to help".

    I know- there is no question here to answer, I just needed to vent, I guess. Seriously, my bro had a very different set of circumstances growing up and I just wish he would get some help. I think difficult child is starting to show more responsibility for his own feelings and actions than my bro is. At least I hope so.

    Really, I should have known and in my gut, I saw the whole thing coming. When my baby was born, my bro said he and his SO (He's gay) would adopt my baby if I'd let them- I said no. Then, he said if I needed any financial help, he couldn't give it but they would take custody. I said "I doon't think so". Then, my bro suggested that he be made a joint custodian- so he could be like the father and I could be the mom- I said no, I don't need to do that I AM THE MOM. It goes on and on- I even suggested to my bro once that if he wanted a baby that bad (he's never conceived a child, much less raised one) that he find a lady and work out an arrangement- maybe they could make that work and each have joint custody- he said he had thought about it but had to agree with his SO when his SO told him there is no way that bro could do that- bro would have to have control of it all and would never be able to share custody or decisions about a child with a woman.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow. Vent away.

    Your brother has some major issues going on. :(

    Although I'm confused. Since when do Uncles get visitation or talking rights to a nephew via the court?? That's odd. Grandparents, ok understandable, but aunts and uncles is stretching it. Especially with your bro's issues.

  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It was stretching it, Lisa. He doesn't have rights like grandparents or non-custodial parents. The judge ordered that temporarily while the court case for custody was going on because bro had convinced the GAL (well- he just told her a lie and she never asked me about it) that difficult child wanted to have a relationship with him, that the two had always been close, but that I had recently refused it and cut the communication off. Since difficult child had gone out on a 1 1/2 hr crime spree (apparently manic), I could see where some might think this could be a contributing factor, given that he was 12 yo. However, it was a lie and they should have checked into it first in my humble opinion. I never tried to interfere with any communication between them until after difficult child had done that and was sent home on house arrest with a monitor and bro was trying to communicate with difficult child secretly and get him condoms- at 12 yo, on house arrest with an upcoming court, and as a virgin mind you. And during this time, bro was yelling at me on the phone about how it was all my fault that difficult child had gotten into trouble. That is when I told bro he needed to stop calling and he needed to leave difficult child alone. Little did I know until the principal at school told me and the lady from social services told me, bro had already "been calling everyone in town trying to get information about difficult child and trying to get custody." (Those were their exact words.)

    Anyway- there are no orders for visitation or even phone calls now. Bro dropped his custody case- but not before the court date and after I spent about $3500 on an attny to prepare for it. He wanted me to make it look like an agreement that he would drop it if I would allow communication. I had the attny make it clear- I will never stop (and never have) difficult child from calling my bro (if difficult child asks for it) , but at this point I will be monitoring that communication (listening in on any phone call and reading any letter), it has been that way since my bro got sneaky and it will continue to be that way- court case or not. So, legally- the case was dropped and we aren't under court order to do anything. difficult child knows if he wants to call him, he can, but difficult child also understands that due to the turmoil this put us both through last year, I will be monitoring. difficult child has never once asks to call or write him. I have even asked if he wants to- or if he wants to get him something for Christmas, b-day, whatever- difficult child always says No. But you know- it was pretty stupid for my bro to use those phone calls last year to yell to difficult child that his mom didn't love him. Really, bro was acting like an out-of-control dad who had lost custody. and somewhere in there, it became more than a little obvious that bro was trying to instigate difficult child to get into trouble so he could claim that it was because difficult child was living with me and use that to get custody. Wierd, I know, but we aren't dealing with a normal bro.

    Also, I made it clear to gal that if bro continues to try to contact difficult child (without consent) or make phone calls to people in our lives saying things about us or trying to get personal info that I will file charges. Of course, this has something to do with how bro words these occasional cards- "he can't help what has happened or how I feel" BS- it was always me trying to hold this family together and bro knows it. Bro went 2 years and never responded to any contact I tried to make with him. At our grandmother's funeral his friends were coming to me telling me how bro never could feel like I was his family.

    I agree whole-heartedly about grandparents (in most situations) - the very fact that they are a grandparent means that they have had a child before. I understand if a aunt or uncle wants custody of a child if the parent has been proven unfit or needs some time to get back on track. (Everyone is fortunate when that happens.) But, really, this is not the case here- it never was. My bro saw a slight opening because gal had contacted social services to try to get an option for difficult child being committed to state- and bro jumped at it to trash me and try to get full custody and parental rights. And he wants to claim that he can't help it?
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And- just to continue this vent (sorry- I know you guys don't desreve it :) ) ....

    If they had given custody to my bro- who goes out partying 2-3 nights a week and has company in most other nights- and who has never raised a child or seen this one more that 10 times in his life- who has never contributed in any way to his medical bills, upbringing, etc., - who has never even lived in the same town- when I was never accused of being unfit or proven unfit- I would have had to pay him child support to raise my child while he sat there and convinced my son that his problems were my fault and my son NEVER learned how to take responsibility for his own choices or his own life.

    Have I mentioned how I feel about this?
  5. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Why on earth does he want to have a child??? Does he understand that kids aren't pets? Or accessories?
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Too much cr*p. I recommend hiding your head under a big, fluffy pillow for a cpl of days and listening to wild bird callls through an open window.

    difficult child doesn't swallow this kind of thing any more, does he? It doesn't really take long for kids to catch on.

    So sorry.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    No- he (bro) doesn't understand, unfortunately - I think that is part of the problem. For one- when difficult child was a few years younger, bro made a comment to another family member that he didn't see the big deal, that raising a child was just putting another dinner plate on the table. For another, we lost our dad when we were young kids- we had different moms. Bro's mom is korean and had left the country before he can remember. She never sent a gift or card to him. When he was about 16-17yo, he learned that she had been a prostitute- although, our dad had loved her and had tried to make things right, so he married her and brought her to this country. Then, the marriage didn't work so he sent her back to her country. My bro had been living with my dad and mom and me until our dad dies and our grandparents took custody of bro. I satyed with my mom. I was 5, he was 8. Anytime we have spent time together as adults, he has brought up how he is so sure that if daddy had lived, he would have divorced my mom and left me and gotten back together with his mom. (My bro is 49 yo) He really doesn't get it- I could forgive that- what I can't forgive is him trying to manipulate, bully, lie, and everything else to get everyone to see things the way he wants them seen.

    He needs to be the one to look at his own issues sometimes. He is out of line to try to take my kid when I am providing and taking care of him. He needs to learn to grieve his own losses and respect other people's boundaries. He needs to let difficult child love his mother without flipping out. He needs to learn how to be satisfied with being difficult child's uncle and accept that he is not and can never be his father. He needs to learn what really loving a kid means- and it isn;t a selfish love. He needs to learn that "having" difficult child won't make up for what he never had.

    difficult child said he was just tired of his uncle trying to put him in the middle. It is sad that bro either doesn't realize or can't own up to the fact that this is exactly what he is doing. My bro's issues are not with my son- they can't be- as I said before- he has never lived in the same town, helped raise him, or provide for him, or even seen him more then 10 times since he was born. It couldn't possibly be fair to difficult child to put him in that situation.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this!
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Wow, what a mess!

    A family member has had similar problems - the girl's mother has sued for custody for every baby her daughter has had, even though the grandmother was an unfit mother herself and her daughter is married with a good family income and a lovely home, no indication of daughter being an unfit mother at all. But to sue for custody each time - it's vexatious.

    The motivation - with the grandmother I mention as well as your brother - it's jealousy. "I want that baby, I deserve it more. And because I want it, that should be sufficient. I am important enough to be listened to on this and on any other matter."

    Your brother wants to be a father more than anything else. But his partner is too jealous to share him with a co-parent. So for bro, it has to be full custody or nothing. And his only chance - you and your child. Bro isn't "permitted" to go and get another woman pregnant, even by artifical insemination. But to get custody of a relative, now THAT should be acceptable to SO.

    Only neither of them has a clue what's involved.

    For bro, it's not love of difficult child specifically, it's love of what difficult child represents - a chance at fatherhood. And fatherhood of a son, for someone like bro, is the ultimate in narcissism.

    I remember reading an article decades ago which said that for some homosexuals, their relationships with men are due to an innate narcissism; their love for their same-gender partner was a reflection of their self-love. And without bagging homosexuals in general (because I'm not) - I HAVE met a couple of unstable people for whom I think this could well be the case. Unlike that article, I don't think it is so for most homosexuals, but for those members of the community (independent of their sexuality) who are extremely narcissistic, I think it's possible that in a few cases even their sexual orientation could be connected with this extreme self-obsession.

    Everything else your brother has said seems to fit these extreme self-absorption; the belief that your father would have taken his mother back, for example. It's all wild fantasy, but in his mind, it is real.

    Keep all records. Keep all letters. Take notes of all phone calls and keep a diary. You might need it. This guy is out of touch with reality and won't back off too readily.

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you and difficult child have to cope with this. I think your bro has issues too numerous to mention. I am happy for you that he does not live in the same town!

    Please vent away as needed,

    Hugs and big ole cup of HMJ!
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Sharon, Marg, Susie- and everyone else - for "listening" to my vents! I'm a little calmer today!!

    Quotes by Marg:

    I hope the legal authorities finally saw through this- it sounds like that grandmother needed some counseling herself.

    And- there has been no other child born in difficult child's generation on that side of the family- difficult child was the first kid born in 25 years. My dad was an only son (had 2 sisters)- my bro was the one they thought had to carry on the family name. My bro can't even adopt because he's gay, lives with a SO in Florida where they don't allow it. I gave difficult child my maiden name as his last name because difficult child's father never even acknowledged him. That leaves difficult child being the only one who can carry on my dad's name now.

    I agree that while many or most homosexual (or bisexual) people may be born with the sexual preference that they grow up to live by, some people make choices and live a life that is just culminated out of one reaction to things after another. I probably didn't say that very clearly- but my bro obviously had issues from being seperated from his mother before he was 18 mos old- my mom raised him (partially) from the time he was 2 until 8 yo and she has told a few SERIOUS indicators that something was wrong. Then, I can remember my bro showing an abnormal anger and resentment toward me and he did wierd things- he took my favorite doll and was found in the closet with it sticking straight pins into its "nipples"- several times. There were many indicators.

    Unfortunately, instead of anyone taking him to counseling ( they just would never do that in that day), they all (my mom included) always justified everthing he did by saying the "well, he doesn't have either parent" and they would make sure he had the NICEST of EVERYTHING. They seemed to believe that if they helped build up his confidence that he would get over it. I think they did him a great injustice because he grew up believing that he was entitled to better than what my cousins or me got (gift-wise or priviledge-wise). Not only that, but he really seemed to have a growing hatred toward women and seems convinced they they are clueless- not even in a chauvanistic way- like really believing it. When we were kids, he did show interest in girls - like wanting to play dr and stuff. He acted completely heterosexual. He is masculine in characteristics and his SO is the effiminate one. I think he lives a gay lifestyle not so much because he loves men, but because he hates and cannot accept women. And, perhaps his SO will cover up some wierd things and tolerate a lot that most women wouldn't. (Not that all homosexual men would be like the SO and do that either-but SO went after bro a long time ago and it seems he was willing to do anything to get him and keep him.)

    He's had to file for bankruptcy once and when people close to the family offered help- like bags of groceries or a check for a FEW thousand dollars, he called me and my mom and complained about it because "he couldn't believe that is all they were willing to do for him". (He had to file because he and SO opened a gay bar in a small southern town and kept hocking everything to stick more money in it after there were several indicators that it wasn't going to make it.)

    Oh- he told GAL that he thought I couldn't be a good mom to difficult child because I was mentally unstable because I had gone to counseling for a while in my early 20's. I did have opportunity to set that straight- and I let her know that maybe his lack of counseling experience didn't make him more emotionally stable.
  12. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sorry you have had to go through this.

  13. So sorry you and difficult child are having to go through this. Your bro seriously has some issues! It's good that he doesn't live in the same town, but obviously that doesn't stop him from reeking havoc on your life. Glad to know that difficult child is not falling for any of the B.S.


  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Very interesting, that your difficult child is the only male in his generation with the family name. I really do think that is a major factor. Then again, it could have taken some of the heat off you, since bro doesn't have to adopt difficult child to provide the family with an heir. It's just not HIS heir.

    If bro wouldn't be allowed to adopt, then what the crivens does he think he can do, to ever be granted custody of a nephew? And that is assuming it was ever found that you Were unfit?

    He really does seem to be a sandwich short of a picnic.

    As for bro being the more macho one in the relationship - I've known a lot of obligate gay men who were otherwise very "normal-seeming". Not necessarily over-the-top macho, but you would never perceive them as effeminate in the slightest. And otherwise effeminate men who were bi or straight. It doesn't necessarily follow.

    But a man claiming to be gay who is more of a misogynist than anything else - yeah, I've seen that. I had to work for one. *shudder* He was very much on my mind as I was writing my previous post.

    I've also known gay men who didn't know they were gay until years later. When I crossed paths with them again after they "came out of the closet" it was interesting to see how much more effeminate a number of them were. For some, I guess they felt they had permission. For others, it was almost a deliberate affectation, a sort of defiant, "I belong to THIS group now, I'm flaunting it."

    As for the family member with the constant custody battles with grandma - the courts have finally got the old woman's measure. She was told that all her claims will in the future be automatically seen as vexatious and will be met with charges of public mischief and wasting the courts' time. I think her grandchild's family have also taken out AVOs against her.

    Your bro being given the nicest of everything to try to compensate - a HUGE mistake. Mind you, that alone wouldn't turn him into what he is today (and I'm not talking about being gay). All it would have done is enhance his pre-existing sense of entitlement.
    And it is this sense of entitlement that makes him believe that he should have difficult child.

    Someone should buy him a dolly for Christmas instead.

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I only have one question -

    Who gets the mail?

    okay maybe one more question -

    Why would you even open that letter? Send it back next time. Or better yet in your sons handwriting on the outside of the envelope - have HIM write -

    I agree with Sara - sounds like he has issues but kids aren't pets. Maybe he'd leave you alone if he started fostering dogs.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am just glad the courts turned him down and that difficult child sees the idiot uncle is wrong.

    I would NOT send letters back. I would simply put them aside in a file so that you have PROOF of his infrequent attempts at contact and the inappropriateness of his contacts with your son. this may be needed at some future time. Other than that, maybe a restraining order to limit his contact with you?

    I am so sorry that they gave him the best of everything. It is SUCH a mistake, as is covering up after he did bizarre things. BUT they didn't know better and I am not sure what counselling would have been available if they HAD gone for help. As it is, maybe the pediatrician or family doctor recommended what they did about him.

    Sending big hugs!
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, again- so much, Ladies!

    Marg- the state where my bro lives has a law against 2 gay people who live in a homosexual relationship adopting a baby the traditional way- so they cannot adopt a baby from that state. They could, however, have a child in foster care placed with them. In my state, it isn't written as a law, but it is not favored. But- if a child in my state is placed with social services for any reason- even if it is because a GAL and judge ordered it due to the kid being in big trouble and being too young for long term Department of Juvenile Justice (difficult child was 12yo when this happened), social services has to consider placing the child with a family member before placing them in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home, etc. In most cases, no one would consider that any more than a formality, unless the parent was unfit. But, my bro's SO used to work for social services in a different state and he knew how to get a lot of trouble started.

    Fortunately, when social services lady had to respond to the judge about her review of a placement for difficult child (which he could not get into in this state because no Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home would take him here), instead of saying "she could not find a placement" she said "I see no reason for placement". I think the lady already had determined that bro was not doing this to help difficult child or me- he was doing it for his own selfish reasons. If he'd been doing it to help, he would have filed for temporary custody- instead, he filed for full custody in a way that would mean I would lose parental rights and he would get them. He lied to several people, including difficult child, about several things. It was a painful, frightening, and very disturbing experience for me. It was extrememly painful for difficult child because he knew that these were lies- at least difficult child recognized most of the lies. Thank God! I can't imagine telling a kid who has major issues because their father never acknowledged them that all their trouble is because their mom doesn't love them- when the mom has worked her a** off and always been there and done everything she can for the kid, Know what I mean?? Most responsible people wouldn't say that to any kid if it was true, much less if it wasn't. There is NO doubt in my mind that bro should NEVER have custody of difficult child- he cannot possibly ever be in his best interest.

    And it's not all about him being gay- I had always encouraged difficult child to communicate with and love his uncle. Actually, difficult child didn't even know his uncle was gay until last year and I wanted it that way until difficult child got old enough to find his own identity and make his own choices but he was taught to accept all people. Now, difficult child says there is no way he's going to live with 2 gay men. I think he'll be more accepting as he gets older and I don't find difficult child to be prejudice or discriminate, but quite frankly, I can see where a teenage boy would not be comfortable with that living arrangement. Anyway, there is a lot more than that causing the problems here, obviously. Maybe you have hit it on the head- maybe it is narcisism.

    I love the statement about sending him a dolly!! My mean side is still chuckling!!

    Well, I've always taught difficult child that as much as I would love for him to get a scholarship to college, get married someday, have me 2.5 wonderful grandbabies, own a home with a white picket fence, and take care of me, I will love him no matter what. And I will accept him no matter what- as long as he does his best, seeks and accepts help when he needs it and tries to live by the goodness that he has in his heart.

    Star, usually I get the mail- sometimes I ask difficult child to run to the mailbox and get it for me. difficult child did get this out of the box and then brought it to me saying "you aren't going to believe this". I opened it, read it, let difficult child read it, then put it away. difficult child understands, so far, that he can call his uncle at any time, but I am to be on the extension listening. I will let difficult child know of any communication efforts my bro makes toward difficult child but I will read them or hear them first. difficult child has, so far, been fine with this. If I tried to stop difficult child from ever knowing anything else about it, he probably would sneak and call my bro- which could end up in another nightmare situation. I stopped short of demanding that difficult child have no contact because difficult child has no other male family members and I don't want difficult child to suffer another feeling of being unloved by anyone. difficult child has never asked to call my bro, and a couple of times, I have asked difficult child if he wanted to and he said NO emphatically.

    As far as where the line is drawn- according to my bro's attny last year, it was supposed to have been drawn at phone calls. My bro was never going to call this house again. difficult child could call him if he ever asked, but would not be forced to, and I would be listening in. My attny said he made it clear to bro's attny that if bro kept making phone calls to sd, social services, others, that he would get hit with a lawsuit. If he ever threatened difficult child or me or threatened to take difficult child, I would seek a restraining order. There was to be no more harrassment or deflamation of character.
    Since then, bro sent difficult child a framed old photo of our father for Christmas. difficult child accepted it, but neither of us responded to bro. Then, bro sent difficult child a card for his b-day. I read it, then difficult child read it, then it was put up. Bro sent another card about 1-2 mos after that. difficult child said he didn't even want it- it was thrown away immediately. They have ALL said "call me" and that is pretty much the whole message. No "I'm sorry for yelling and saying those things or causing problems for you". (He had said pretty bad things to difficult child, given the situation- and could have caused difficult child to be removed from home when he wouldn't have been otherwise.) It would appear at this point, that bro will keep sending things and that was never really discussed thru the attny's last year. My guess is that this will progress to something else at some point and I will need to take action.

    I think bro does honestly believe that he has some "uncle's rights"- actually he proved that to the gal and me and the attny's by things he said repetively. Also, I think he is banking on difficult child getting mad at me at some point and calling him to "rescue him" from this horrible home. Well, that is bro's fantasy anyway. And difficult child could do that at some point- but you know, what does it mean if difficult child is a raging or manic teenager? (Not that I'm making that up as a means to discount it- but this is how difficult child got into trouble to begin with.)

    Sorry... I've rambled way too much!
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I totally get you, that this has nothing to do with the sexuality issue. This is purely about bro's obvious unfitness to parent as indicated by his being so out of touch with reality, what is appropriate, poaching on your turf, etc.

    I had to chuckle at difficult child's reaction, though. My eldest nephew was like this with homosexuality, I remember talking to him about it in his mid-teens. And even difficult child 1, who was brought up to be tolerant, find the topic a bit "icky". I think it's a basic innate male thing. At some gut level, blokes find the whole thought of male-male sex too awful to contemplate, unless they're bent in that direction anyway. It's funny how women don't seem to have quite the same issues with female-female. I mean, I can sit and chat with a pair of lesbians without constantly worrying, "Are they going to have a go at me?" (somewhat vain, to think that anyway. They generally only have eyes for each other, and they know I'm not available).

    Your bro has put you through the wringer. I'm glad the authorities seem to be on to him. And with difficult child so vehement, I think even if you had to place him in foster care or you got hit by a bus and had no choice in the matter about where difficult child would go, difficult child would be allowed to veto any request by bro, to go live with him.

    Watch out if you have any more kids, or when difficult child becomes a father. Bro will want the baby then, too. I'd make sure difficult child is aware of this risk so he is EXTRA careful when he starts having sex (scary thought).

    Bro is one sick puppy alright.

    The constant cards and letters - he's using salami tactics - wearing your resistance down slice by slice. At what point do you say, "Enough!"? Because if you do it too soon, he complains that he's just sending a friendly birthday card. And if you wait too long, he complains that you didn't stop him before, so he thought it was OK with you?

    Salami tactics are a common trick when you want something and are determined to get it.

    Example: we had a dog who was not permitted to come into the house. She was only permitted as far as the verandah. So she would sit below the step into the house, her chin resting on the step. Then one paw would slip up beside the chin. Then after a short while, another paw. Then she would wriggle her body forward. Then a bit more. Then a back paw could slip up onto the step beside the rest of her. One more paw, and she's fully on the back step. Then it's just a matter of creeping forward.

    The rule had to be - no chin, no paws on the step.

    For more on salami tactics, look for the "Yes, Prime Minister" diaries by Jonathan Lynn and Antony Jay. It was a hilarious TV series, too. The episode you want is called, "The Grand Design".

    By reading up on political satire, I've learned a lot about human nature.

    Scary, though.

  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Those tactics are why I say to keep every letter, and notes on every phone call that DOES happen. They will give you ammo if you have another child at some point, and will provide ammo to difficult child if something happens to you or when he has a child. Your bro will NOT stop. He believes he is OWED better than what you have, and at the very least what you have. This includes children in his very sick and twisted mind.

    Document, document, document. It is the only way to handle someone with this kind of bizarre entitlement issue.

    And HUGS to you and difficult child.

    Oh - make out a will and plan for guardianship IF something should happen to you. Your bro will be ruthless if that ever comes about.
  20. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    What a dork!

    I've got one nut job of a sister who has decided that I'm an athiest, manipulator of my Dad, and the most terrible parent known to the human race.

    The best part is that she posts these opinions on a local newspapers forums on which I'm highly respected by some and sought out for help with their kids spec. ed problems, bussing issues etc. Anytime I answer a post, she's right there making horrible remarks, comments about my husband, marriage, kids, and of course me.

    I was so p.o.'d the last time that I went to my Dad, told him I was sending a letter to his lawyer and having my name totally taken out of his will. He helped me out when husband went through his mid-life, non-working, bs on the internet with old friends, and she brings it up (with 3 of my other sibs) every chance she gets. I must mention here that husband was at her beck and call while he wasn't working, sometimes 4 a.m. runs to get her when she was to drunk and hysterical to drive.

    Mind you, my lil' sis is chronically ill, I'm the only one who speaks to her, live across the street from my Dad and sis and spend a lot of (really great!) time with them and my 2 nephews. THAT'S my family!

    My Dad has a complete conniption when I told him that I wanted out of the will. I told him that if he would simply take me out of it, I could send a copy of the letter (signed by both him and myself) to the "4 Judges" as I call them, and maybe they'd ALL stop their back-biting and garbage.

    I'm convinced that she's mentally ill. But after a while, you have to put up a wall between you and the offending party and just hold on to evidence.

    I truly am sorry that he's pushing his "issues" off on you and difficult child. It sounds like you took pity on him when difficult child was tiny and now it's biting you in the arse.

    What's that saying? Oh yeah! No good deed goes unpunished!

    Feel better! We're in your corner!