I called my mom today because she left a message on the house phone while I was sleeping. She started asking questions about my bro. First if I called the cops when he was here "dropping off a gift". I told her I did not call the cops then, just told him if he didn't leave I would call them. For some other reason the sheriff was on our road as they were leaving, so bro thought I called. He is not likely to believe I did not report him, but that is HIS problem.
I told my mom exactly what he did, all the years of accusations that we destroy my parents' lives, home, everything. So mom asked if she and Dad had ever said those things. I told her no, but if someone says something to you often enough, over enough years, it takes a toll anyway. I told her the kids were wary of going over because he has told them so often that they leave a "wake of disaster" behind them, and that they steal from my parents so much (they have NEVER stolen anything - Gpa ONCE thought Jess had stolen some $$$ from him but he found the $$ right after he accused her - in a place she would never go, much less leave something. Gpa also learned it was Gma who put it htere and she was furious that he accused Jess simply because she was a teenager. It has been the ONLY accusation, and it was only made because Gpa believes that EVERY teenager will steal if they see $$, a prejudice that comes from teaching in rough public schools for his entire career, NOT from anything Jess has ever done!)
Anyway, my mom said that the last time we were over, when my bro showed up unexpectedly a half hour before we came over that it made her so upset she barfed. WE have been told that we must call before we come over. It has ALWAYS been asked of us. It has been asked of gfgbro so he NEVER calls, just drops by whenever he wants. My mother has complained about his timing because he interrupts private moments and it annoys her that he won't call. But she won't tell him to go away if he hasn't called, so it is what it is.
My mother has decided to speak to gfgbro because she wants us to be a "family" and because this town is "too small" for the kids to not see gfgbro again. I have a couple of people that I used to be friends with that I don't ever see, so I don't know why the town is too small to not see gfgbro. In fact I don't ever run into him except at my parents, so I don't see her point.
I DO know that unless/until Jessie's therapist gives the okay we will NOT purposely expose her to gfgbro, ditto for Tyler. I won't do that.
I told my mom that after hearing thank you beg gfgbro to not be mad at him, that he woud clean up, and after seeing Jessie and thank you go into panic attacks when gfgbro was there, I won't put them through seeing him.
She was very quiet when I told her that I have to be their parent first, not her daughter. I said that for years I have let it go after each blow up from gfgbro, moved on and not mentioned things when gfgbro got mad because I was supposedly upset with him over something I had no clue had even happened, that I went ahead and didn't act or be angry with him, but always asked that if a problem was there that he say something in an appropriate way so that we could work it out like adults. He doesn't say anything until he blows up and goes into a tirade during which he corners me or husband or one of my kids as he rants and raves.
She had to agree that I have only asked for him to come to me calmly when he had a problem, and that she has not seen him do that. She tried to tell me he did this, but could not think of a single time, not ONE example of it.
I told her we have no problems with my niece, that if she wants to take the grandkids somewhere it is no problem, the problem is with gfgbro only. Which is true. I also told her we would NOT raise a stink in her home, no matter what. I love and respect my mom and dad enough to keep my peace if something were to happen in her home. I won't purposely go there if gfgbro is there, and I hope she would not invite bro there when I was suppsoed to be there with-o telling me ahead of time. If that were to happen it would be one heck of a long time before we saw her again. But I would NOT create a scene or fight in her home - I feel that would be incredibly inappropriate because my problem is not with her or Dad.
She is going to talk to gfgbro about this. I am quite sure of it. She will likely want me to talk it out with him. I don't think I will do it. He is NOT likely to stop telling me how I treat my parents horribly (I am not the one who tried to remodel their bathroom as a "surprise" when my mom had a plan for the room and people scheduled to come in and do what she wanted as soon as she returned. She didn't have to tear out stuff I did to finish her plans. That was ALL gfgbro - and she was ANGRY when she got back from London and saw it all - ANGRY is a MAJOR understatement. Livid would be an understatement.) and how my kids treat them horribly and how we always make them cry over the way we treat them.
Mom said that was a total lie, that she did NOT tell him any of that and neither did Dad. I told her that if someone tells you something over and over, in rants and tirades, for years, then it becomes believable.
She was very quiet when I told her that even the day we moved to her home gfgbro told me it was wrong to let my parents pay for husband's masters program - we NEVER asked for them to do that, we were OFFERED it by my folks. Now they are doing the same for gfgbro, except they are paying for his home instead of sharing theirs. HE won't have to scrounge to find a place to live when he is done because they are not making him share their home. WE were promised financial help buying a home when husband was done with the program - it was the carrot they offered to get him to go back to school - totally unsolicited by us, by the way. That help wasn't there because they used the $$ set aside to help us to BUY a home for gfgbro and his then wife and baby to live in. His wife's home was being foreclosed on so my parents had to find a place fast for them - and they KNEW that gfgbro would destroy a rental as he "fixed it up".
I am not angry about the funds, I understand why they did what they did. I just wanted Mom to know the message gfgbro has pounded in to us, esp about the grandkids being terrors and destroying things so that they were unwelcome at my parents house. It is untrue, but they still worry, which makes my mom very quiet.
With my mom as long as she is speaking or even yelling it is not time to worry. When she is quiet she is usually angry enough to levitate. I think MAYBE she has some small clue as to what gfgbro has said/done regarding how SHE is treated and how DAD is treated, and she may be angry enough to tell him how to behave.
SHe is likely the ONLY one who could get through to my bro. Either way, I have to be a parent first and a wife second and a daughter third and a sister last. It just has to be that way - and the parent says that I have to protect my kids. Period.
This is going to be hard. Thanks for reading all of this - I hope it makes some sense. I HATE that she is going to make this an issue that I have to revisit, but it is likely. Such is my mother.
Let's hope that whatever she does stresses gfgbro out and NOT us. LOL.
Any ideas on how to handle this are welcome, if you made it through all of this!
I told my mom exactly what he did, all the years of accusations that we destroy my parents' lives, home, everything. So mom asked if she and Dad had ever said those things. I told her no, but if someone says something to you often enough, over enough years, it takes a toll anyway. I told her the kids were wary of going over because he has told them so often that they leave a "wake of disaster" behind them, and that they steal from my parents so much (they have NEVER stolen anything - Gpa ONCE thought Jess had stolen some $$$ from him but he found the $$ right after he accused her - in a place she would never go, much less leave something. Gpa also learned it was Gma who put it htere and she was furious that he accused Jess simply because she was a teenager. It has been the ONLY accusation, and it was only made because Gpa believes that EVERY teenager will steal if they see $$, a prejudice that comes from teaching in rough public schools for his entire career, NOT from anything Jess has ever done!)
Anyway, my mom said that the last time we were over, when my bro showed up unexpectedly a half hour before we came over that it made her so upset she barfed. WE have been told that we must call before we come over. It has ALWAYS been asked of us. It has been asked of gfgbro so he NEVER calls, just drops by whenever he wants. My mother has complained about his timing because he interrupts private moments and it annoys her that he won't call. But she won't tell him to go away if he hasn't called, so it is what it is.
My mother has decided to speak to gfgbro because she wants us to be a "family" and because this town is "too small" for the kids to not see gfgbro again. I have a couple of people that I used to be friends with that I don't ever see, so I don't know why the town is too small to not see gfgbro. In fact I don't ever run into him except at my parents, so I don't see her point.
I DO know that unless/until Jessie's therapist gives the okay we will NOT purposely expose her to gfgbro, ditto for Tyler. I won't do that.
I told my mom that after hearing thank you beg gfgbro to not be mad at him, that he woud clean up, and after seeing Jessie and thank you go into panic attacks when gfgbro was there, I won't put them through seeing him.
She was very quiet when I told her that I have to be their parent first, not her daughter. I said that for years I have let it go after each blow up from gfgbro, moved on and not mentioned things when gfgbro got mad because I was supposedly upset with him over something I had no clue had even happened, that I went ahead and didn't act or be angry with him, but always asked that if a problem was there that he say something in an appropriate way so that we could work it out like adults. He doesn't say anything until he blows up and goes into a tirade during which he corners me or husband or one of my kids as he rants and raves.
She had to agree that I have only asked for him to come to me calmly when he had a problem, and that she has not seen him do that. She tried to tell me he did this, but could not think of a single time, not ONE example of it.
I told her we have no problems with my niece, that if she wants to take the grandkids somewhere it is no problem, the problem is with gfgbro only. Which is true. I also told her we would NOT raise a stink in her home, no matter what. I love and respect my mom and dad enough to keep my peace if something were to happen in her home. I won't purposely go there if gfgbro is there, and I hope she would not invite bro there when I was suppsoed to be there with-o telling me ahead of time. If that were to happen it would be one heck of a long time before we saw her again. But I would NOT create a scene or fight in her home - I feel that would be incredibly inappropriate because my problem is not with her or Dad.
She is going to talk to gfgbro about this. I am quite sure of it. She will likely want me to talk it out with him. I don't think I will do it. He is NOT likely to stop telling me how I treat my parents horribly (I am not the one who tried to remodel their bathroom as a "surprise" when my mom had a plan for the room and people scheduled to come in and do what she wanted as soon as she returned. She didn't have to tear out stuff I did to finish her plans. That was ALL gfgbro - and she was ANGRY when she got back from London and saw it all - ANGRY is a MAJOR understatement. Livid would be an understatement.) and how my kids treat them horribly and how we always make them cry over the way we treat them.
Mom said that was a total lie, that she did NOT tell him any of that and neither did Dad. I told her that if someone tells you something over and over, in rants and tirades, for years, then it becomes believable.
She was very quiet when I told her that even the day we moved to her home gfgbro told me it was wrong to let my parents pay for husband's masters program - we NEVER asked for them to do that, we were OFFERED it by my folks. Now they are doing the same for gfgbro, except they are paying for his home instead of sharing theirs. HE won't have to scrounge to find a place to live when he is done because they are not making him share their home. WE were promised financial help buying a home when husband was done with the program - it was the carrot they offered to get him to go back to school - totally unsolicited by us, by the way. That help wasn't there because they used the $$ set aside to help us to BUY a home for gfgbro and his then wife and baby to live in. His wife's home was being foreclosed on so my parents had to find a place fast for them - and they KNEW that gfgbro would destroy a rental as he "fixed it up".
I am not angry about the funds, I understand why they did what they did. I just wanted Mom to know the message gfgbro has pounded in to us, esp about the grandkids being terrors and destroying things so that they were unwelcome at my parents house. It is untrue, but they still worry, which makes my mom very quiet.
With my mom as long as she is speaking or even yelling it is not time to worry. When she is quiet she is usually angry enough to levitate. I think MAYBE she has some small clue as to what gfgbro has said/done regarding how SHE is treated and how DAD is treated, and she may be angry enough to tell him how to behave.
SHe is likely the ONLY one who could get through to my bro. Either way, I have to be a parent first and a wife second and a daughter third and a sister last. It just has to be that way - and the parent says that I have to protect my kids. Period.
This is going to be hard. Thanks for reading all of this - I hope it makes some sense. I HATE that she is going to make this an issue that I have to revisit, but it is likely. Such is my mother.
Let's hope that whatever she does stresses gfgbro out and NOT us. LOL.
Any ideas on how to handle this are welcome, if you made it through all of this!
