My Mother arrggghh (long)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Oct 19, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I called my mom today because she left a message on the house phone while I was sleeping. She started asking questions about my bro. First if I called the cops when he was here "dropping off a gift". I told her I did not call the cops then, just told him if he didn't leave I would call them. For some other reason the sheriff was on our road as they were leaving, so bro thought I called. He is not likely to believe I did not report him, but that is HIS problem.

    I told my mom exactly what he did, all the years of accusations that we destroy my parents' lives, home, everything. So mom asked if she and Dad had ever said those things. I told her no, but if someone says something to you often enough, over enough years, it takes a toll anyway. I told her the kids were wary of going over because he has told them so often that they leave a "wake of disaster" behind them, and that they steal from my parents so much (they have NEVER stolen anything - Gpa ONCE thought Jess had stolen some $$$ from him but he found the $$ right after he accused her - in a place she would never go, much less leave something. Gpa also learned it was Gma who put it htere and she was furious that he accused Jess simply because she was a teenager. It has been the ONLY accusation, and it was only made because Gpa believes that EVERY teenager will steal if they see $$, a prejudice that comes from teaching in rough public schools for his entire career, NOT from anything Jess has ever done!)

    Anyway, my mom said that the last time we were over, when my bro showed up unexpectedly a half hour before we came over that it made her so upset she barfed. WE have been told that we must call before we come over. It has ALWAYS been asked of us. It has been asked of gfgbro so he NEVER calls, just drops by whenever he wants. My mother has complained about his timing because he interrupts private moments and it annoys her that he won't call. But she won't tell him to go away if he hasn't called, so it is what it is.

    My mother has decided to speak to gfgbro because she wants us to be a "family" and because this town is "too small" for the kids to not see gfgbro again. I have a couple of people that I used to be friends with that I don't ever see, so I don't know why the town is too small to not see gfgbro. In fact I don't ever run into him except at my parents, so I don't see her point.

    I DO know that unless/until Jessie's therapist gives the okay we will NOT purposely expose her to gfgbro, ditto for Tyler. I won't do that.

    I told my mom that after hearing thank you beg gfgbro to not be mad at him, that he woud clean up, and after seeing Jessie and thank you go into panic attacks when gfgbro was there, I won't put them through seeing him.

    She was very quiet when I told her that I have to be their parent first, not her daughter. I said that for years I have let it go after each blow up from gfgbro, moved on and not mentioned things when gfgbro got mad because I was supposedly upset with him over something I had no clue had even happened, that I went ahead and didn't act or be angry with him, but always asked that if a problem was there that he say something in an appropriate way so that we could work it out like adults. He doesn't say anything until he blows up and goes into a tirade during which he corners me or husband or one of my kids as he rants and raves.

    She had to agree that I have only asked for him to come to me calmly when he had a problem, and that she has not seen him do that. She tried to tell me he did this, but could not think of a single time, not ONE example of it.

    I told her we have no problems with my niece, that if she wants to take the grandkids somewhere it is no problem, the problem is with gfgbro only. Which is true. I also told her we would NOT raise a stink in her home, no matter what. I love and respect my mom and dad enough to keep my peace if something were to happen in her home. I won't purposely go there if gfgbro is there, and I hope she would not invite bro there when I was suppsoed to be there with-o telling me ahead of time. If that were to happen it would be one heck of a long time before we saw her again. But I would NOT create a scene or fight in her home - I feel that would be incredibly inappropriate because my problem is not with her or Dad.

    She is going to talk to gfgbro about this. I am quite sure of it. She will likely want me to talk it out with him. I don't think I will do it. He is NOT likely to stop telling me how I treat my parents horribly (I am not the one who tried to remodel their bathroom as a "surprise" when my mom had a plan for the room and people scheduled to come in and do what she wanted as soon as she returned. She didn't have to tear out stuff I did to finish her plans. That was ALL gfgbro - and she was ANGRY when she got back from London and saw it all - ANGRY is a MAJOR understatement. Livid would be an understatement.) and how my kids treat them horribly and how we always make them cry over the way we treat them.

    Mom said that was a total lie, that she did NOT tell him any of that and neither did Dad. I told her that if someone tells you something over and over, in rants and tirades, for years, then it becomes believable.

    She was very quiet when I told her that even the day we moved to her home gfgbro told me it was wrong to let my parents pay for husband's masters program - we NEVER asked for them to do that, we were OFFERED it by my folks. Now they are doing the same for gfgbro, except they are paying for his home instead of sharing theirs. HE won't have to scrounge to find a place to live when he is done because they are not making him share their home. WE were promised financial help buying a home when husband was done with the program - it was the carrot they offered to get him to go back to school - totally unsolicited by us, by the way. That help wasn't there because they used the $$ set aside to help us to BUY a home for gfgbro and his then wife and baby to live in. His wife's home was being foreclosed on so my parents had to find a place fast for them - and they KNEW that gfgbro would destroy a rental as he "fixed it up".

    I am not angry about the funds, I understand why they did what they did. I just wanted Mom to know the message gfgbro has pounded in to us, esp about the grandkids being terrors and destroying things so that they were unwelcome at my parents house. It is untrue, but they still worry, which makes my mom very quiet.

    With my mom as long as she is speaking or even yelling it is not time to worry. When she is quiet she is usually angry enough to levitate. I think MAYBE she has some small clue as to what gfgbro has said/done regarding how SHE is treated and how DAD is treated, and she may be angry enough to tell him how to behave.

    SHe is likely the ONLY one who could get through to my bro. Either way, I have to be a parent first and a wife second and a daughter third and a sister last. It just has to be that way - and the parent says that I have to protect my kids. Period.

    This is going to be hard. Thanks for reading all of this - I hope it makes some sense. I HATE that she is going to make this an issue that I have to revisit, but it is likely. Such is my mother.

    Let's hope that whatever she does stresses gfgbro out and NOT us. LOL.

    Any ideas on how to handle this are welcome, if you made it through all of this!
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Susie, I am proud of you for sticking to your guns. I agree that you're right not to want to revisit this with your gfgbro, no matter how much value your mother might think there is in "clearing the air", or whatever plan she might recommend.

    Your gfgbro is toxic to you and your children, and you are right to protect them and yourself from him. Whatever you have to do. Given all the years you've tried to work on having a relationship with your gfgbro, I think you've more than done enough in that regard. You have no reason to try again, just to please your mother.

    Stick to your guns. Once your parents understand that you are immovable on this issue, they will likely come around and respect your wishes for no contact. It just might take a while for them to see it.

    Sending many hugs,
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    [QUOTEShe was very quiet when I told her that I have to be their parent first, not her daughter.][/QUOTE]

    Susie, I think that she is getting it, and I think the statement above shows that. You do not want contact with difficult child bro for your children's emotional and mental well being. You need to stick to your guns. I agree with trinity, your mother will come around especially now that you have told her the whole unedited version of what has gone on.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie you did an awesome job standing your ground. Very proud of you as I'm sure it wasn't easy.:D

    Being the mom of adult difficult children............ Well, I do have to say I see where your Mom is coming from. It sounds as if she really does understand your reasons and may even agree with them. But well, being a Mom.........I dunno..... I know it's hard to me to watch my grown kids be on the outs with each other even though I try to stay out of it, even if there is good reasons for it to be that way.

    As a Mom you love your kids unconditionally, even as adults, even as adult difficult children.

    All those years Katie was absent from the family, I had a hole in my heart. Yes the choice was hers, and I did come to terms with that eventually. Did not change the way my Mommy heart felt about it. I can't put into words how it feels to have the family whole again. Yup, it's not a perfect situation by far........but far far better than her and the grands being completely absent from our lives.

    The times the kids had huge rifts hurt me probably more than it did them. Don't ask me to explain it because I'm not so sure I can. Just that it did.

    I think perhaps Mom is hoping for a solution by talking it out that can let her enjoy her family as a whole unit. Maybe that's possible, maybe it isn't. I know my Mom feels that way, and I know it hurts her too that I just can't do that with my sibs. Oh, I can do the polite you can visit me thing and pull it off......but there is no closeness there and Mom and I both know it. She knows I do it mostly so that she can have someone bring her to visit. Sad.....but too many years of waaaaaaay too much bad stuff under the bridge. We talked for a long time not long ago. I explained husband and I had moved here to have a better life for our family. And I accomplished that. Awful that it had to be that way, but it did. I think she understands now that she sees how her other grands (most of which are major difficult children) have faired due to being involved in the family compared to my kids who were basically kept away from it.

    But yeah. I think it still hurts her.

    But you're right. Your role as a parent comes before your role as her child. I even teach that to my kids........I've drummed it into their heads.

    Maybe Mom is hoping if she calls your bro on his behavior it will end it. Probably won't, but I wonder if that is what she is hoping.

    I feel for her..........and you too.

  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Thanks everyone. I know it hurts her horribly. husband cannot understand it, but Iunderstand that too. His family is NOT close in the way mine is. They don't get upset if they don't see each other for a holiday. For them it is not a big deal. His dad is perfectly fine with whomever shows up for the holiday and if you cannot go there is no big guilt trip. My family is TOTALLY the opposite. So I understand why my mom is upset.

    She is going to push for Jessie to "come to terms" with gfgbro because "this town is too small" to avoid him and "it isn't healthy". For this she is going to hit a rock wall unless the therapist and neuropsychologist say otherwise. Jessie is adamantly against anything that will have her anywhere NEAR gfgbro and I don't blame her a bit.

    It is because I understand her pain over this that I will not create a scene or fuss in her home. It is all I can do at this time, and more than I really want to do. She does understand some of how I feel - a couple of years ago gfgbro came to me to have me help him get her declared incompetent because she just wandered away while he was talking to her. He would go into a rant and she just left the room and usually went to bed. It was pretty funny at the time. The sad part is that he never lets husband, me, or my kids walk away from him.

    I dread whatever the results of her "addressing" this with gfgbro is. Only time can tell the results of it, but I am sure my bitter vindictive nature will be the core of the problem. Or so I will be told.

    I never wanted any part of any drama remotely resembling this, and would be eternally thankful if all of this stupid **** would just go away and never happen again.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Personally? I want to see your Mom levitate. That would be sooooo cool. My Mom has telekenesis & moves tables. (ask anyone at Bob Evans)

    I think there is a calm in your voice Susie* that wasn't there before and I'm not sure why or what happened. Maybe you had it up to here (makes wishy hand sign with hand at ceiling) with your GFGBRO and his controling babylike antics. Maybe you got tired of not having a Mom and Dad or maybe it's just the stress of every day life, your health and everything else vs. THIS? Seemed so petty that life itself put things in perspective and you mamma=beared the situation and said "NO MORE with a ROAR." Regardless? Like everyone else? I'd stick to my guns and tell a big whopping NOooooooo to any "clearing of anything" I mean you said your peace, and that is that. How many times do you have to say the same thing before he gets it? Nah. I'd tell Mom - I'm done talking - and he's done listening, if he ain't got it by now, he ain't never gonna - so we're good and nothing's changed on my part.

    YOU GO GIRL! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am proud of you!