My mother says
- Thread starter klmno
- Start date
M
ML
Guest
Do I smell the melting away of denial? Could this be a first step for her? NA, probably not.
klmno
Active Member
LOL! I wish but I doubt it- which is why I probably sound so cold and unemotional about this. I called her yesterday and in the course of the conversation she spoke about becoming a little close again to her sis and brother in law. They used to be very close and I think a lot of my aunt and uncle. But my mother is one to just trash people verbally behind their backs when they don't do everything she wants or cater to her or even if they haven't done anything but she thinks it will get her attention and sympathy from whomever she is spouting off to. Unfortunately (but apparently, as common) the people who get trashed the most by her are the people that have been the closest to her, family-wise. I, of course, top that list being her daughter.
Anyway, she went between 5-10 years completely trashing my aunt & uncle for becoming "too religious" as they aged. Coincidentally, they also had more health problems as they aged and therefore could not visit my mother out-of-state very often like they used to.
Yesterday, as we were talking I asked her what that music was I heard in the background. "Oh, it's religious music". HA! I asked if she had asked for forgiveness for talking about her sister so badly for being religious all those years (and laughed). She said "No- THEY aren't as bad as they used to be- they have changed some now". I said "Mom, do you think that maybe it isn't really others who change back and forth so much- maybe it is you?" (Remember how she treats me like she hates me when SHE has a panic attack? But I didn't bring that up.)
So that's when she said that she was starting to notice that she did not live normally, she guesses she's just eccentric, but she's starting to think something is bad wrong with her. She thinks it's because she lives alone now. (She's always been this way- it has gotten worse for the past 20 years but she was the way when I was a child, too.) She thinks it's just gotten worse since her friend died 4 years ago and she's lonely. I reminded her that she made her choices to live out of state from everyone else she knew. She said she knew but she couldn't help the circumstances- ie, her friend dieing.
Now, as much as she is complaining about lack of money and being alone all the time, etc., if I end up having to call her and tell her that difficult child and I need to stay with her a while until I find a job and will pay 2/3 utilities plus some extra, and help her with her house, etc., she would still turn that into "And now YOU want to come here and sit down on me- how soon can you leave" within 2 weeks top. Never mind that she's always moaning about ME keeping difficult child out of her life and us always being welcome there. This has been my experience with her any time I have stayed just a matter of a few weeks with her until I can get back on my feet- when I divorced my physically abusive husband, when I got out of the military and had to find a place to live to start college, when I was at the end of my pregnancy, and when I needed to find a job once before. Each and every time I have stayed at her house less than 6 weeks, helped her and paid her, and I still got the same.
As many of us have discussed on the bboard before, I'm another who has just detached from it and only grieve now for the way I wish things could have been- but never will be.
Sorry this got so long...
Anyway, she went between 5-10 years completely trashing my aunt & uncle for becoming "too religious" as they aged. Coincidentally, they also had more health problems as they aged and therefore could not visit my mother out-of-state very often like they used to.
Yesterday, as we were talking I asked her what that music was I heard in the background. "Oh, it's religious music". HA! I asked if she had asked for forgiveness for talking about her sister so badly for being religious all those years (and laughed). She said "No- THEY aren't as bad as they used to be- they have changed some now". I said "Mom, do you think that maybe it isn't really others who change back and forth so much- maybe it is you?" (Remember how she treats me like she hates me when SHE has a panic attack? But I didn't bring that up.)
So that's when she said that she was starting to notice that she did not live normally, she guesses she's just eccentric, but she's starting to think something is bad wrong with her. She thinks it's because she lives alone now. (She's always been this way- it has gotten worse for the past 20 years but she was the way when I was a child, too.) She thinks it's just gotten worse since her friend died 4 years ago and she's lonely. I reminded her that she made her choices to live out of state from everyone else she knew. She said she knew but she couldn't help the circumstances- ie, her friend dieing.
Now, as much as she is complaining about lack of money and being alone all the time, etc., if I end up having to call her and tell her that difficult child and I need to stay with her a while until I find a job and will pay 2/3 utilities plus some extra, and help her with her house, etc., she would still turn that into "And now YOU want to come here and sit down on me- how soon can you leave" within 2 weeks top. Never mind that she's always moaning about ME keeping difficult child out of her life and us always being welcome there. This has been my experience with her any time I have stayed just a matter of a few weeks with her until I can get back on my feet- when I divorced my physically abusive husband, when I got out of the military and had to find a place to live to start college, when I was at the end of my pregnancy, and when I needed to find a job once before. Each and every time I have stayed at her house less than 6 weeks, helped her and paid her, and I still got the same.
As many of us have discussed on the bboard before, I'm another who has just detached from it and only grieve now for the way I wish things could have been- but never will be.
Sorry this got so long...
M
ML
Guest
That's what we're here for, K.. Sometimes it seems like that grief seeps back into your heart out of no where. Thinking of you and sending hugs xoxo ML
klmno
Active Member
Thank you for understanding, Ladies! I will say that what HAS hurt me the past few years from her is the fact that she blamed me for difficult child starting to act out in the beginning, called and trashed me to my bro saying difficult child's issues were "because something was wrong with me" which gave him all he needed to pursue his strong desire to try to get custody, then she told me that if difficult child had to live with her (and I quote EXACTLY) "she guessed she could put up with anything, including difficult child, for a while". Then, she blames me this past year for keeping difficult child from her and out of her life.
Really, how can someone take so many different positions just to make sure they always have something to play victm over? And where in all this did I make her a victim?
So she wants difficult child in her life if he'll cater to her, otherwise she wants him out of my life to either punnish me or give her a better chance that I'll cater to her?
Really, how can someone take so many different positions just to make sure they always have something to play victm over? And where in all this did I make her a victim?
So she wants difficult child in her life if he'll cater to her, otherwise she wants him out of my life to either punnish me or give her a better chance that I'll cater to her?
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klmno
Active Member
Thank you for understanding, Ladies! I will say that what HAS hurt me the past few years from her is the fact that she blamed me for difficult child starting to act out in the beginning, called and trashed me to my bro which gave him all he needed to pursue his strong desire to try to get custody, then she told me that if difficult child had to live with her (and I quote EXACTLY) "she guessed she could put up with anything, including difficult child, for a while". Then, she blames me this past year for keeping difficult child from her and out of her life.
Really, how can someone take so many different positions just to make sure they always have something to play victm over? And where in all this did I make her a victim?
Really, how can someone take so many different positions just to make sure they always have something to play victm over? And where in all this did I make her a victim?
