My mother...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Mar 28, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ohhh, Help me! I love her but there is no working things out with her. She has always had to be the center of the universe and cannot put herself in someone else's shoes for anything. She was a good mom in some ways while I was growing up but she made some pretty stupid decisions, too, that lead to my being raped, among other things. She has always taken the attitude that I need to get myself out of whatever situation I get myself into, which is her choice and that's ok, but then she shouldn't be acting like she's done so much to "bail" me out of situations when she never really did anything other than take that position, right?

    She is the one that got my bro so stirred up 2 years ago that he thought she would stand behind him and help him get custody of difficult child, then she decided to act like she had nothing to do with the situation, leaving my bro unwilling to even speak to her. She told me she did say "some things she shouldn't have said" to my bro to instigate things and that she was sorry. That was supposed to be the end of it, in her mind. Never mind that it cost me thousands of dollars to prepare for that custody case, not to mention what it did to difficult child and me emotionally, and how my bro's actions have left gal and then others having these big doubts about me as a mother, that will probably never go away.

    Anyway, because of all that I have not wanted to tell her about difficult child's latest situation. It is her habit to just make phone calls to others to get them stirred up when there is a crisis. But, I kept getting emails from her about being worried since she hasn't heard from us, so I called her. I let her know that I just wasn't comfortable discussing things with her because of the way she handles things and how it leaves such an impact on our lives that does not easily go away.

    Then here it came- "she has always been there for me and stood by me but I have hated her since my dad died when I was 5yo." (OK- she has never come up here when difficult child was in a hospital- not even when he was 3mos or 15 mos old and under an oxygen tent. She instigated all this custody carp then never said a word about cost to fight it. When I was in an abusive marriage, she told my husband that she could understand I was difficult and told others not to risk themselves to try to help me- I was 17yo and entered that marriage after being raped by a family emeber that she moved into our house when she KNEW that he had tried to molest another girl in the family. And when I told her what had happened- her response was to look at me, get mad and asked me "how could I do this to her", then go get my step-dad to deal with it.)

    So I didn't respond to her- I couldn't get a word in edgewise if I'd tried. She kept going on about how she had no one and no one had ever stood by her except this one friend (who supported her and made excuses for anything she did) and that I had just never treated her right after she'd put up with so much from me (like what? I left home at 17) and all she did was tried to stand by me no matter what and now- what- I was just gone from her life too. And she hung up. (Also- that friend decided to show difficult child her handgun and tell him how cool it was and where she kept it- unlocked- when he was 4yo- she was an administrator at a sd. Who are people going to believe- me or my psychiatric PhD mom and a sd administrator?)

    Yes, I know her well enough to know that was my cue to call back shortly afterwards begging for forgiveness and telling her what all I will try to do for her. I didn't call back. I have enough on my plate. The therapist I had in my early 20's that helped me see how dysfunctional my family really is and how self-centered my mother is and how my bro has a laundry list of issues longer than mine told me to never live near them again and always keep them at arms-distance.

    The therapist I have now is well-intentioned and smart, I'm sure. But she wants to give the gal and PO and my family the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure she's thinking that there must be something wrong with me to have issues with so many that are really there to "help" families. But, I'm going to have to change tdocs, I can see that now. My mother's "help" unleashed my my bro's actions that included calling everyone in this town bad-mouthing me, which led to gal never being comfortable with me, which led to everyone in Department of Juvenile Justice court services unit treating me like the biggest loser parent to walk the face of the earth. It's amazing how long it took for all the pieces of this to fall into place. But the last thing I need is a therapist who can't see that just because a person should be trust-worthy, doesn't necessarily mean they are. I had therapy to help come to terms with that myself- I sure don't need a therapist to undo it because they can't see it.

    After so many years, you would think it wouldn't hurt anymore for my mother to be this way. But every time this happens, I feel like I have more I have to let go of, and I didn't even know there was any more left to let go of.
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2009
  2. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I'm so glad you did not call her back--you are breaking the pattern. Sounds like she is not healthy for you and you are setting some boundaries--yay for you! Keep posting, you are doing good!
  3. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    wow so much of this word for word could be posted by me. ug I'm so very sorry. it hoovers. I have no words of wisdom......i never figured it out for me/us here. I'm sending hugs.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's the number 1 goal- besides difficult child's and my safety. I just wish my therapist and the gal could see that.

    Thank you both!
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    K, I learned a long time ago that I couldn't trust my mother. I love her, just don't trust her and don't share a lot with her. She is not a mother to me, never has been, never will be---and I have accepted that a forgiven her. She is sick---mentally ill. She can't help it. But I had to let go of my anger and learn to forgive. Forgiving, however, doesn't mean forgetting. For me it means letting go of the hurt, and not allowing myself to be hurt again. I know you will be able to move past this----but don't let the anger at everyone consume you. That is not healthy for you.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, EW! I am actually doing more and more "other" things to try to think ahead and so forth. The issue with my mother has been going on so long that I'm sure it won't "take over" me. I have just felt overwhelmed the last year with several people in our immediate lives that are toxic to us, too. That is what I need to deal with now, I think. It does make me angry and I post when I feel a spurt of anger, but I'm gradually turning the concentration more and more to finding a solution for what to do about it.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    umm are we sisters seperated at birth?? LOL seriously though. you just described my mom to a tee. i could be bleeding and an internal organ hanging out of me and she'd say well get up and call the dr!!! ahhh!! scary.

    Good for you not calling back, it's so so hard to break the cycle i have finally after almost 39 years of my mothers maniuplating and controlling ways that also by the way lead to me being raped as well. she has made some real dooosies of decisions as well. I was just going to post about my mom and than saw your thread.

    you are sooo soo right you do have enough on your plate and good for you that you now know your limitations.

    sending you hugs that's rough stuff our moms....... yuck
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    LOL!! Mine would say she's sorry she can't help but she has a more important organ hurting her.

    She has that detachment concept down to a Tee, I have to give her that! But I will say, I became a very independent and responsible person because of it- i hate to think where I would be if I hadn't found a very good therapist in my early twenties, though. Probably dead. It wasn't her detachment that did it for me- it was that then I figured out (through help of therapist) that I was supposed to be HER caretaker and spend my life banging my head against the wall to get her and my bro's approval.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    LOL oh you made me laugh. good for you 20's sheesh 'ive been flying on dysfunctional mom syndrome since umm last year when i found a good doctor. better late than never.

    yes you are right though there is a silver lining we are thick, tough, durable due to their umm motherly love shall we say? ha ha
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Our mothers sound similar. I don't/never have fallen for such tactics used by my Mom. She is a difficult child and I treat her as such. She gets no real info on the kids/grands. Lots of pleasatn polite talk.....not so much detail Know what I mean??

    You certainly sound as if you need a new therapist. There is giving someone the benefit of the doubt........and then there is letting them make your life miserable. therapist may be well intentioned, but she isn't the one interacting with your family.

  11. susiequte

    susiequte New Member

    Geez.....I didn't know that "MY" mother had so many other daughters!!!!! When I finally told my mother at age 25 something that I was molested at age 8.....her reply was....."If your father and I get divorced over this, it will be your fault and I will never forgive you!" HUH?????!!!!!

    Glad to know that my family isn't the only psychotic/toxic/(insert explitive here) family!!!!
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    K, you've described the relationship I have with one of my sisters, unfortunately the one who lives closest to me and whose H I work for. To say it's been a difficult time with her is an understatement. When she's around I have to be very guarded. The nature of my family is that I cannot simply write her out of my life. Instead, I went to therapy to learn how to deal with her when she's around and how NOT to deal with her when she's not.

    You are on the right path and are doing very well considering how intrusive and sick your family has been. I will keep you in my thoughts - hugs.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you, Ladies!! I am sorry to hear that so many others have lived thru such toxicity, too. Fortunately, we can all see how dysfunctional this is and don't want to be that way with our kids, or we wouldn't be on this board. It's hard for me to believe that more therapist's don't get this, but then many of them have as many problems as our families do.

    In my family, the issue is whether or not I am the "sick" one and now this is why difficult child has problems- or, (my standpoint) since I got help for myself, I want to make sure difficult child gets whatever help he needs. It is not easy when you are the only one in the family that got help and changed and the rest of them just stand there and point the finger at you as being the only problem. LOL!!