My Mother!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by dstc_99, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Ok so difficult child has been with the grands for about 2 months now. I finally had a semi decent conversation with her yesterday and was feeling like things might be getting better. Of course that hit the fan sometime during the night when I got an email from my mother. This is the first contact I have had with my parents since guardianship was signed over. Needless to say you can imagine my surprise when the heading was difficult child's Biodad. ????? Wonder what this is about??

    So I opened the email this morning prior to meeting the therapist and see an email about my difficult child trying to find her biodad. We have always told her we would support her finding him and even assist her when she was 18 but that for her safety we wanted her to wait until then. My mother apparently wasnt happy with what difficult child was finding and felt it wasn't correct so she started her own search. Low and behold she found him and proceeded to call him. She didn't want to tell difficult child she had done this so she sent me the email to have me tell difficult child because it would mean so much more coming from me.

    I was not happy with this information but instead of buying into my moms drama I simply replied please send me the information. Once I received it and spoke with husband about it I decided it best to call my mother and father and let them know husband and I were requesting two weeks to try and have some background run on biodad before giving the information to difficult child. Simply for safety...I haven't seen him in 19 years and back then he was calling collect from jail most of the time.

    When I called my mom she gave me a lot more information about the phone call and how she knew she shouldn't have made it and that she had only told him difficult child was interested in information. I wanted to scream and jack slap her! Seriously!! Now he has your home phone number and he already knew where you lived since they never moved. He could be a serial killer and you basically just told him where his biological child is. Plus not once did you think it might be important to stop and consider how your own daughter would feel about it or how it would affect your granddaughter if it went badly. I refused to lose my temper and just told her we want two weeks to make this decision. I then let her know I was not happy with her actions at which point she got on a spiel of me never liking anything she does so what difference does it make. When I went to repeat my request for two weeks and restate that I found it disrespectful that she went behind our backs to do this she hung up.

    I then called my dad in hopes of keeping my mother from doing something stupid since she was angry with me. I was very unemotional and to the point and asked him to give us the two weeks. I let him know I had upset my mother because I told her I was unhappy that she had done this without consulting me. Guess what she never told him either! She didn't tell him until after she made the mess.

    2 minutes later I get a call from my mom ranting and raving because difficult child knows what is going on now! WTH! How I didn't tell her? difficult child was with my father when I called and he is half deaf so he had his cellphone turned up so loud she heard every word. I was so ****** I couldn't see straight because he could have stopped me at anytime during the two minute conversation and said hold on I have to step outside. But anyway my mother proceeded to go on and on about me hating her and so I just hung up in order to call difficult child.

    difficult child didnt answer and my dad didnt answer so I called my dads work where I knew they were. She answered the phone and we had a nice long talk. I told her I had asked her grandparents to give us two weeks to check his background just to ensure her safety. I told her not to be mad at her grandmother for doing this because even though she didn't do it the way we wanted she was honestly doing it out of love. I told her that husband and I love her and that we will support her 100% with her decisions. I told her exactly what was said to her grandmother and grandfather so that she was aware of why I was upset about the contact with her biodad. Basically I told her I loved her and we would help her through this any way we could.

    difficult child was not happy with her grandmother because she felt this should have been between me and difficult child and that grandmother should not have butted in. But she was willing to talk and I did my very best to have a good conversation with her. In the end she respects that her father and I just want to ensure her safety not block her from her biodad. I told her at the end of the two weeks she and I could meet and discuss the issue and make some decisions then.

    And people wonder why I was not thrilled to have my parents step up to watch my difficult child for me! Seriously my mother is a **** mess. Some days I feel like I am dealing with a child when dealing with her. She never stops to think about other people and how her actions could affect them. This is why I am requesting the Military move me to another coast!
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Good lord.


    I hope this doesn't go bad as far as the biodad is concerned. Bad enough you now have all this drama with your mom. Maybe you'll be lucky and time / age have matured him.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm glad at least difficult child and you could talk. You put out the fire pretty well for now and you're acting in her best interest. Sorry for your mama drama though. Hugs
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the mess and drama and anxiety.

    Your mother was of course out of line. However it seems that little distance is helping your difficult child to relate to you better again and that is a good news. Small steps and all that but she was dealing very maturely with this even though the topic has to be confusing and highly emotional to her.

    I hope things go okay with biodad. I can relate to that worry all too well. I dread a day when my difficult child decides to be interested about his biodad. While he is not jail and never has been and is safe, it will likely be so much drama in all fronts (it is a sore spot to my husband, biodad doesn't know difficult child exists etc. It will likely be horrible), that I'm really not looking forward to that.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't wonder why you aren't grateful to your parents. They are undermining you and your hub in every way and are controlling, erratic and bossy. This was none of their business. If bio. daughter wanted to search, they should have stayed out of it. What if he IS still dangerous? What a dumb thing they did.
    On the other hand, bio. dad has been gone for 19 years. It is highly likely that he won't be all that interested in your daughter. It's not like he couldn't have looked for her. Hopefully, if he is still breaking the law, he won't have time to bother about your daughter. Or he could turn her off with his lifestyle and behavior. The fairytail father may not live up to the real person that he is. Or maybe he straightened out.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Well I got an friend request from biodad on Facebook before the night was out. This is exactly why I wasn't happy with mom jumping in! If he has my Facebook info he has my daughters!!!

    Thankfully he seems to have straightened up and is more than willing to give me some time to make this decision. I asked for 2 weeks to think and told him I would contact him at the end regardless of the decision.