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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 734847" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I understand what you're saying CDN_DAD, I raised 3 girls, my daughter, my sister and my granddaughter and the only one who is like me and whom I truly "get" is my granddaughter. However, my daughter and sister struggle with mental/emotional issues so their behavior, thinking and choices are considerably different than "typical" people. </p><p></p><p>Aside from learning how to set strong boundaries and how to detach from their behaviors and choices......the next step for me was learning to accept them as they are........which can be challenging when their behavior is violent, cruel, manipulative, self serving, blaming, entitled, etc. I had to work on me for the acceptance part......my expectations, my resentments, my judgements, my being "right," my own dreams for their lives and my disappointments about that.......as I cleared out those emotional reactions, I was more able to respond in a healthier and more productive way. </p><p></p><p>I think our kids feel our judgements, expectations, resentments & disappointments......all most of us really want is to be accepted for who we are.....and when our kids are off the rails, it can be difficult for us to accept them as they are.......therapy helped me to heal my own "stuff" so that I could show up and be present for my daughter without my baggage.....to be very clear about what I was willing to do and what I wasn't and to let her know clearly that I love her but there are distinct consequences for poor choices and behaviors.</p><p></p><p>You're doing the best you can under trying circumstances........which is all any of us can do......don't bother with guilt or self judgements, it will only serve to keep you stuck....</p><p></p><p>Hang in there CDN_Dad, this is not an easy path. For many of us, getting support for US helps to navigate this bumpy terrain, helps us to find different and healthier ways to respond to our troubled kids and helps us to find a quality of life with our own peace and joy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 734847, member: 13542"] I understand what you're saying CDN_DAD, I raised 3 girls, my daughter, my sister and my granddaughter and the only one who is like me and whom I truly "get" is my granddaughter. However, my daughter and sister struggle with mental/emotional issues so their behavior, thinking and choices are considerably different than "typical" people. Aside from learning how to set strong boundaries and how to detach from their behaviors and choices......the next step for me was learning to accept them as they are........which can be challenging when their behavior is violent, cruel, manipulative, self serving, blaming, entitled, etc. I had to work on me for the acceptance part......my expectations, my resentments, my judgements, my being "right," my own dreams for their lives and my disappointments about that.......as I cleared out those emotional reactions, I was more able to respond in a healthier and more productive way. I think our kids feel our judgements, expectations, resentments & disappointments......all most of us really want is to be accepted for who we are.....and when our kids are off the rails, it can be difficult for us to accept them as they are.......therapy helped me to heal my own "stuff" so that I could show up and be present for my daughter without my baggage.....to be very clear about what I was willing to do and what I wasn't and to let her know clearly that I love her but there are distinct consequences for poor choices and behaviors. You're doing the best you can under trying circumstances........which is all any of us can do......don't bother with guilt or self judgements, it will only serve to keep you stuck.... Hang in there CDN_Dad, this is not an easy path. For many of us, getting support for US helps to navigate this bumpy terrain, helps us to find different and healthier ways to respond to our troubled kids and helps us to find a quality of life with our own peace and joy. [/QUOTE]
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