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My son called to tell me the liver clinic threw him out finally.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 668521" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you all for responding. My brain is thinking better but my heart is still broken.</p><p></p><p>I realized when I got up that the urgency we felt to have that particular University Liver Clinic is not necessary. If he only had governmental medical insurance, that would be the only place he could probably go.</p><p></p><p>But a year ago, when he was turning 26, I petitioned to my retirement, to continue his medical coverage on my plan, because he was disabled and proved it by virtue of his SSI and a letter from the psychiatric nurse practitioner that follows him in the Big City where we once lived. As long as I live, every 5 years I will have to get it re-approved. But there exists that possibility. I have Cadillac insurance. He could probably go to any Hepatologist in the Country. I will not tell him that, for now.</p><p></p><p>He needs to confront what he has done, so that he can come to see treatment as something he values, to be protected. He needs to find that place in himself.</p><p></p><p>He did ask me if I felt there was anything he could do to change their minds at the clinic. I said, well you could see Dr. B, maybe he could help. (Dr. B is the Child Psychiatrist we saw from the time he was in 6th grade until he was 21. And occasionally thereafter, in crisis.)</p><p></p><p>So he does have one step he can take.</p><p></p><p>Even though knowing there may be medical alternatives has taken away the realistic bite of this, I know now there are solutions, the emotional devastation is still here. </p><p></p><p>I think it is because it is all of a piece: To know how truly vulnerable one is...with no control what so ever...is a horribly devastating place to be. To just know that you can feel this way...so powerless...so vulnerable...devastated...as if mortally injured, is a place no one needs to go. I think that is why I have not recovered from the death of my mother. To learn that you can hurt so bad...be so felled by life...is something that this person fears she will never, ever recover from.</p><p></p><p>Those who have, I admire. I am wondering if I have the stamina to recover.Many of my son's psychiatric symptoms developed after he got the diagnosis for his liver. I believe that he is deflecting his fears outwards onto other things, such as earthquakes, or his concern about possible balding (not).</p><p>I agree, Serenity. Perhaps he will call the Psychiatrist.</p><p>That is true. Thank you.</p><p>The physician is head of the Department and Clinic. She is probably untouchable. And I would be afraid. She and my son did make a good relationship. He calls her "Marion." I call her bitxh. Sorry, it slipped out.</p><p>This is so true. This is exactly the tack I will take.</p><p></p><p>Except the problem is as much me. I am the patient too. I do not know how to recover my strength and stamina, when I feel myself a punching bag. And it seems I cannot get myself out of the ring. Remember what M told me last week: You are like a boxer who is fighting the boxing match outside of the ring and outside of the arena. What chance do you think you have of winning?</p><p>Yes. That is exactly how it is now.</p><p></p><p>I have been trying to take myself out of it. That phone call last night put me right back into it. I felt such a blow to my gut, I reacted. I could not remember I was supposed to be out of it. I had no detachment what so ever. I am a poor pupil.</p><p>Yes. If he can get me to panic, he does not have to. He puts the affect and responsibility in me. I have managed to get myself out of the game, with the responsibility. Not with the affect.</p><p>I agree, COM. I am wondering if it is even good for me to talk to him about the social worker. Because it will mean that I will be hoping for an outcome...having set up the possible solution...and waiting, breathless for him to do it...a repetition of all of the other times. He has the power to do it or not. And it is power over me...more than in himself.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, until he is willing to seek and to accept treatment, what good does any of it do? To have this liver clinic or any other...means nothing if he does not comply.</p><p></p><p>A couple of months ago when I had learned that there is now a cure for Hep C, I googled cures for Hep B. While there is not yet felt to be a cure, (the antivirals kill the virus but not the underlying disease) there are physicians in Australia, I think it is, that are giving a "cocktail" the antivirals combined with a very common cancer drug. Almost all of all of their patients have serio-converted. They seem cured.</p><p></p><p>I told my son and he reacted aggressively. He said he would never ever take a cancer drug. His mental illness very much clouds his judgment. He cannot see or feel his virus as a threat. He sees the remedy as such.</p><p></p><p>There is no role in this for me. Not one part. Except to lovingly put all responsibility back to him.</p><p></p><p>I do not know if I have the strength to do the right thing. As much, I fear I do not have the strength to recover from this place where I am. Every time, I get pushed back, I feel more defeated, not stronger. I need to find a way to turn that around.</p><p></p><p>Thank you again for your care and your excellent counsel. I will do my best.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 668521, member: 18958"] Thank you all for responding. My brain is thinking better but my heart is still broken. I realized when I got up that the urgency we felt to have that particular University Liver Clinic is not necessary. If he only had governmental medical insurance, that would be the only place he could probably go. But a year ago, when he was turning 26, I petitioned to my retirement, to continue his medical coverage on my plan, because he was disabled and proved it by virtue of his SSI and a letter from the psychiatric nurse practitioner that follows him in the Big City where we once lived. As long as I live, every 5 years I will have to get it re-approved. But there exists that possibility. I have Cadillac insurance. He could probably go to any Hepatologist in the Country. I will not tell him that, for now. He needs to confront what he has done, so that he can come to see treatment as something he values, to be protected. He needs to find that place in himself. He did ask me if I felt there was anything he could do to change their minds at the clinic. I said, well you could see Dr. B, maybe he could help. (Dr. B is the Child Psychiatrist we saw from the time he was in 6th grade until he was 21. And occasionally thereafter, in crisis.) So he does have one step he can take. Even though knowing there may be medical alternatives has taken away the realistic bite of this, I know now there are solutions, the emotional devastation is still here. I think it is because it is all of a piece: To know how truly vulnerable one is...with no control what so ever...is a horribly devastating place to be. To just know that you can feel this way...so powerless...so vulnerable...devastated...as if mortally injured, is a place no one needs to go. I think that is why I have not recovered from the death of my mother. To learn that you can hurt so bad...be so felled by life...is something that this person fears she will never, ever recover from. Those who have, I admire. I am wondering if I have the stamina to recover.Many of my son's psychiatric symptoms developed after he got the diagnosis for his liver. I believe that he is deflecting his fears outwards onto other things, such as earthquakes, or his concern about possible balding (not). I agree, Serenity. Perhaps he will call the Psychiatrist. That is true. Thank you. The physician is head of the Department and Clinic. She is probably untouchable. And I would be afraid. She and my son did make a good relationship. He calls her "Marion." I call her bitxh. Sorry, it slipped out. This is so true. This is exactly the tack I will take. Except the problem is as much me. I am the patient too. I do not know how to recover my strength and stamina, when I feel myself a punching bag. And it seems I cannot get myself out of the ring. Remember what M told me last week: You are like a boxer who is fighting the boxing match outside of the ring and outside of the arena. What chance do you think you have of winning? Yes. That is exactly how it is now. I have been trying to take myself out of it. That phone call last night put me right back into it. I felt such a blow to my gut, I reacted. I could not remember I was supposed to be out of it. I had no detachment what so ever. I am a poor pupil. Yes. If he can get me to panic, he does not have to. He puts the affect and responsibility in me. I have managed to get myself out of the game, with the responsibility. Not with the affect. I agree, COM. I am wondering if it is even good for me to talk to him about the social worker. Because it will mean that I will be hoping for an outcome...having set up the possible solution...and waiting, breathless for him to do it...a repetition of all of the other times. He has the power to do it or not. And it is power over me...more than in himself. The thing is, until he is willing to seek and to accept treatment, what good does any of it do? To have this liver clinic or any other...means nothing if he does not comply. A couple of months ago when I had learned that there is now a cure for Hep C, I googled cures for Hep B. While there is not yet felt to be a cure, (the antivirals kill the virus but not the underlying disease) there are physicians in Australia, I think it is, that are giving a "cocktail" the antivirals combined with a very common cancer drug. Almost all of all of their patients have serio-converted. They seem cured. I told my son and he reacted aggressively. He said he would never ever take a cancer drug. His mental illness very much clouds his judgment. He cannot see or feel his virus as a threat. He sees the remedy as such. There is no role in this for me. Not one part. Except to lovingly put all responsibility back to him. I do not know if I have the strength to do the right thing. As much, I fear I do not have the strength to recover from this place where I am. Every time, I get pushed back, I feel more defeated, not stronger. I need to find a way to turn that around. Thank you again for your care and your excellent counsel. I will do my best. COPA [/QUOTE]
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My son called to tell me the liver clinic threw him out finally.
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