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Substance Abuse
My son entered rehab yesterday
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 763673" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Hurtingmother,</p><p>Welcome and so sorry for your need to be here. You may receive more responses if you start your own thread.</p><p></p><p>Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries, a place for us to find rest and peace. I understand that in these hard economic times, adult children may need to come home and folks are doubling up. This should be regarded as a privilege and adult children should appreciate and respect that. It is not an opportunity to live it up, party and create drama and chaos. There are basic courtesies, responsibilities and boundaries that need to be followed. Dealing with addicted adult children in our homes is a nightmare. </p><p></p><p>Your son is 40 and is responsible for his own actions. </p><p></p><p>Disrespecting our homes is unacceptable. No one should have to put up with that. </p><p></p><p>People make choices. Blaming others for a persons choice only takes the responsibility away from them. While relatives and friends do have an influence on those choices, it is still a persons responsibility for how they choose to live. Addicts have a way of putting their choices and consequences onto others, don’t fall into this game. </p><p></p><p>It is up to your sister to figure out what her boundaries are in her home. If your son refused rehab, then he is not ready to change, and no one can make him, he needs to decide for himself. I am sorry, this is a hard journey to travel. He is not a young boy, he is 40 years old. It is hard to see our adult children make horrible choices, but if we continually rescue them, blame others for their situations and they don’t face consequences, how will they ever learn? There are many cases where addicted loved ones will use and manipulate their family members so that they can continue to use drugs. What we allow, continues. </p><p>We cannot control how our adult children decide to live. The only control we have is over ourselves, and the boundaries we keep. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love our grown kids, we do. But, they must not use that love to walk all over us, and destroy the peace in our hearts and homes. Love says no. No more. Once we really take an honest look at what’s going on with our adult kids and their choices, we can start to focus on ourselves and building healthy boundaries. We need to work at self love. That’s not selfish, it’s absolutely necessary. Staying healthy, removing stress from our lives and focusing on wellbeing. This is what we wish for all of our kids, that they take care of themselves, we can model that by starting with <em>ourselves</em>. It is such a difficult thing to witness our kids grow up and live a degraded, addicted lifestyle. I know how much it hurts. My hubs and I tried for years to “help” two of our daughters who are addicts. Their choices brought chaos and drama into our home. We couldn’t stop the train wreck. It’s because we had absolutely no control over their choices. What we do have control over is to say, “not in my home.” Did they change? No. They continue to live as is, and a long time ago, I gave them back to God and pray that they wake up to their light and potential. It’s too much for me to handle. I love them with all my heart, but enough is enough. I don’t feel that I put them out of my home. They refused to follow rules and respect boundaries. That’s unacceptable. They made choices to do as they please. That’s on them. I wish things were different, but it is what it is. </p><p>I hurt too, we all do when our kids choose this lifestyle. Hopefully one day they will wake up and choose differently. But, if we are more focused on their recovery than they are, that becomes extremely unhealthy for us. They need to take responsibility for their choices and deal with the consequences.</p><p>I hope today is a better day for you. Take one day at a time and switch focus to you. When we have a healthier love and view of ourselves and boundaries, we can start to make better decisions with regards to our addicted loved ones. </p><p>Take care! You matter! Your peace matters!</p><p>(((hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 763673, member: 19522"] Hi Hurtingmother, Welcome and so sorry for your need to be here. You may receive more responses if you start your own thread. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuaries, a place for us to find rest and peace. I understand that in these hard economic times, adult children may need to come home and folks are doubling up. This should be regarded as a privilege and adult children should appreciate and respect that. It is not an opportunity to live it up, party and create drama and chaos. There are basic courtesies, responsibilities and boundaries that need to be followed. Dealing with addicted adult children in our homes is a nightmare. Your son is 40 and is responsible for his own actions. Disrespecting our homes is unacceptable. No one should have to put up with that. People make choices. Blaming others for a persons choice only takes the responsibility away from them. While relatives and friends do have an influence on those choices, it is still a persons responsibility for how they choose to live. Addicts have a way of putting their choices and consequences onto others, don’t fall into this game. It is up to your sister to figure out what her boundaries are in her home. If your son refused rehab, then he is not ready to change, and no one can make him, he needs to decide for himself. I am sorry, this is a hard journey to travel. He is not a young boy, he is 40 years old. It is hard to see our adult children make horrible choices, but if we continually rescue them, blame others for their situations and they don’t face consequences, how will they ever learn? There are many cases where addicted loved ones will use and manipulate their family members so that they can continue to use drugs. What we allow, continues. We cannot control how our adult children decide to live. The only control we have is over ourselves, and the boundaries we keep. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love our grown kids, we do. But, they must not use that love to walk all over us, and destroy the peace in our hearts and homes. Love says no. No more. Once we really take an honest look at what’s going on with our adult kids and their choices, we can start to focus on ourselves and building healthy boundaries. We need to work at self love. That’s not selfish, it’s absolutely necessary. Staying healthy, removing stress from our lives and focusing on wellbeing. This is what we wish for all of our kids, that they take care of themselves, we can model that by starting with [I]ourselves[/I]. It is such a difficult thing to witness our kids grow up and live a degraded, addicted lifestyle. I know how much it hurts. My hubs and I tried for years to “help” two of our daughters who are addicts. Their choices brought chaos and drama into our home. We couldn’t stop the train wreck. It’s because we had absolutely no control over their choices. What we do have control over is to say, “not in my home.” Did they change? No. They continue to live as is, and a long time ago, I gave them back to God and pray that they wake up to their light and potential. It’s too much for me to handle. I love them with all my heart, but enough is enough. I don’t feel that I put them out of my home. They refused to follow rules and respect boundaries. That’s unacceptable. They made choices to do as they please. That’s on them. I wish things were different, but it is what it is. I hurt too, we all do when our kids choose this lifestyle. Hopefully one day they will wake up and choose differently. But, if we are more focused on their recovery than they are, that becomes extremely unhealthy for us. They need to take responsibility for their choices and deal with the consequences. I hope today is a better day for you. Take one day at a time and switch focus to you. When we have a healthier love and view of ourselves and boundaries, we can start to make better decisions with regards to our addicted loved ones. Take care! You matter! Your peace matters! (((hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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My son entered rehab yesterday
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