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My son is 20 and homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 637376" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Bone Weary, you may want to post over in the Parent Emeritus Forum for our kids who are over 18. </p><p></p><p>Welcome. Your story is familiar to many of us. At 20 your son is an adult and is making adult choices. Often our kids blame us for their choices, but it's up to you to not take that on, it isn't your burden, it's his. It takes us time to let it go, but eventually, like you have, we become sick and tired of doing the same thing and having the same result, so we change.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may want to get a copy of Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie, it's helpful. You also may want to get yourself to an Al Anon or Narc Anon or Families Anonymous group for YOUR support. We parents get defeated, depleted and filled with guilt over our adult kids choices and it takes a lot of support for us to get out from under all of that. </p><p></p><p>First thing we all usually do is to stop the flow of money. That's after YOU find a support system that works for you. Set clear and unbreakable boundaries based on what YOU are willing to do and enforce them. Learn to say no. Learn to step back and wait, give it time, usually because they cannot delay gratification, they will look elsewhere. Be aware that as you change, your son will likely up the ante and his behavior towards you will worsen because he isn't able to manipulate you with your own guilt anymore so he will try more hostile and ridiculous behaviors to get you to give him what he wants. Stay the course. In time it gets a lot better, but you will need to be the one who changes because the likelihood is he won't.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, it helps a lot. Sending you warm wishes for peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 637376, member: 13542"] Bone Weary, you may want to post over in the Parent Emeritus Forum for our kids who are over 18. Welcome. Your story is familiar to many of us. At 20 your son is an adult and is making adult choices. Often our kids blame us for their choices, but it's up to you to not take that on, it isn't your burden, it's his. It takes us time to let it go, but eventually, like you have, we become sick and tired of doing the same thing and having the same result, so we change. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may want to get a copy of Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie, it's helpful. You also may want to get yourself to an Al Anon or Narc Anon or Families Anonymous group for YOUR support. We parents get defeated, depleted and filled with guilt over our adult kids choices and it takes a lot of support for us to get out from under all of that. First thing we all usually do is to stop the flow of money. That's after YOU find a support system that works for you. Set clear and unbreakable boundaries based on what YOU are willing to do and enforce them. Learn to say no. Learn to step back and wait, give it time, usually because they cannot delay gratification, they will look elsewhere. Be aware that as you change, your son will likely up the ante and his behavior towards you will worsen because he isn't able to manipulate you with your own guilt anymore so he will try more hostile and ridiculous behaviors to get you to give him what he wants. Stay the course. In time it gets a lot better, but you will need to be the one who changes because the likelihood is he won't. I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, it helps a lot. Sending you warm wishes for peace. [/QUOTE]
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My son is 20 and homeless
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