My son is apparently gone ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Frazzledmom, Dec 20, 2010.

  1. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    Hi, I guess this had to happen, it's been building up for a while now. Last night was rough, he called me a b... very angry, all because his snowboard jacket zipper got stuck and he broke it. He called me at work today and asked if I would pick up a gas card and a Dunkin Donuts card for the guy who drives him to school. I said I would buy the gas card but that was enough.

    For the past couple of days he has been threatening not to go to school on Wednesday (it would be the second time that he skipped) because he has a biology project due and he has done nothing on it. We tried to encourage him, said we'd help, no luck. He has taken a nose dive in the past two months, it's at the point where it will be tough for him to make it all up. Gone from a A/B student to failing everything.

    husband agrees to take him to daughter to get the card (difficult child said he had the money) on the way there he asked to borrow it from his allowance and husband said no, or actually, said he would if he promised to go to school on Wednesday. That if he didn't go to school the money dries up. difficult child said let me out, got out downtown and said he was spending the night with a friend. He also threatened to hitch hike away, quit school, on and on and on.

    Before they left we had made the decision that if he did skip school we would stop any allowance he was getting (right now $13/week) and stop any kind of financing at all until he earned it.

    This is tough...I know it had to happen, we have allowed ourselves to be treated like doormats and I'm not sure what is worse, that, or not knowing where he is. What do we do next??? I guess it's possible that he could be home later but pride might stop him. He probably won't go to school tomorrow, this is a new chapter for us and I'm not sure how to proceed. Just let him disappear? Start calling? We really have no idea where he is. We can try texting him but I feel like we should give him a bit of time to cool off.

    If anyone out there can help I'd be grateful.

  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If he is not home by your town's curfew, call the non-emergency number of the police and report him missing. Has he been drug tested? The rapid change is characteristic of drugs. If it isn't drugs, I would get a neuropsychologist evaluation done as soon as possible to try and find out what is happening. Is he a freshman this year? first year at a new school????
  3. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    He's back home but he's packing to leave. He is a sophomore. I don't think we can keep him home.
  4. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    Update: He was back home for 15 minutes but left. He packed, took his toothbrush, deodorant, etc. He says he's going for "a while." We will call the police and report him missing. Is there anything else we can do? Our communication has totally broken down. We have tried so hard but my heart is broken... (He is a sophomore in high school.) My previous LONG post describes a bit of our situation. Thanks for being out there.
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Edit: was typing and didn't finish before the new update.
    Report him as a runaway.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    all you can do is report him missing, their ask for friends names and numbers i've gone thru this personally. it's all you can do. he must have a plan on where he is going. no it isnt' legal for him to go off on his own at that age. he's your responsiblity. yet all you can do is make the call, file the report and they'll contact his school in the a.m. also and probably get him there.

    check your state, because here they can't physically drag my kid back, if she states i dont' want to go. there may be different.

    good luck try not to worry i know how hard it is. maybe this climactic thing had to happen for change to truly occur. that's what happened in our case, things got better after that. it was hard though.

  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I would also call and report him as a runaway.

    Hugs, Lynn.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Report him.
    Don't give him any more money...
    Assume he is using drugs.
    Kids don't change overnight like that unless it's drugs.
    Think of what you are going to do when he gets back. He must get treatment or things are just going to get worse. Been there. It's not fun. Good luck!
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    I so feel for you. I also really am thinking drug use. Your sons behavior sounds much like my son when he has been using. So I agree with others report him as a runaway. My other piece of advice is to keep paying for his phone. I would wait a day and then text him...not with questions or demands but texts of care and concern. Keep them simple and I am thinking about you, hope you are ok. He may not respond which will rip you apart but that way you are keeping the door open.

    My son is older than yours and we kicked him out last year when things got really bad, but we did this....and it left the door open that he did call us when he got into trouble etc. I think it made a difference. When I first did it he did not respond and we did not hear from him for a week but then he needed something.

    The other thing is if you find out where he is staying and it is a friend and family, do what you can to build a relationshipnwith them. Again we did this when my son moved out. I didnt think too much initially of the family he was staying with because I knew there were drugs there butni made nice and in our own way we became friendly with the pqrents...which meant they kept in touch with me even when he didn't. They realized that what he was saying about us was not totally accurate. I did not think it was a great place for him but it was better than the streets.

    Please keep us posted....hopefully he is going to realize things are not so great out on his own.
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    If he comes home again can you contact the police or your local mobile response unit? Maybe if a crisis counselor or officer came to the house and explained his options and potential consequences he might reconsider? So sorry hun, my advise is say a prayer and report him missing, although if he's told you where he's staying maybe call mobile and see if they'll got speak to him there.

    <<<hugs>>> AOG
  11. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    You know our story. I'm not surprised this has happened, I'm just sorry it has!

    We consulted a lawyer who advised us that we would be responsible for any damages incurred by our son, even though the police were powerless to bring him back. We had to lock the steering wheels of our vehicles to avoid any accidents. Do report him as a runaway in order to start a paper trail. I managed to get mine on the national Missing Persons list. A police officer came by, wanting to know if we had any x-rays. I realized she meant that she needed them in the event of finding a corpse. That was awful!

    Please be aware that the military recruiters might move in on him. This happened in our case. They feel that a troubled kid can be turned around by boot camp and service, and the runaway will take orders from a stranger rather than the parents who love him. Go figure!

    If you want my phone number, pm me. I've been there.

    They won't admit him to a psychiatric ward unless he is a danger to himself or others. Mine got admitted to St. Mary's due to some superficial cutting of his wrist. The place was useless and lied on the paperwork.

    I told difficult child 1 about your situation and he offered to slap him around for you. He was terribly hurt by his twin's running and difficult child 2 is still suffering the effects of his bad decisions.

    This will really shake up your easy child. Tonight, for the umpteeth time, difficult child 1 told me that he felt I had abandoned him while I was obsessing over his twin. I thought I was doing the right thing, showing him and easy child that a parent won't give up on a troubled child. Apparently I was wrong.

    I'm so sorry this is happening to your family, especially at Christmas!
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Report him missing and then go on and live your lives as best you can. The old "dont let them see you sweat' thing. He wants you to worry about him. That is what he is after. Dont give it to him.

    He is 15. Most probably he cannot make it on his own. A few can manage it.

    I would work with a therapist for you and your husband if you have one to make clear what the consequences are going to be if and when he comes home. No more of this wishy washy business. Its time to take back your home and he must abide by some serious rules or he can continue to make his own way in the world. I would be a bit tough on him. "Oh, so you want to come home? Are you ready to agree to house rules or you can continue on your journey alone."
  13. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    Thank you for all of your kind words and advice. He is at school, he stayed at a friends house last night but told his teacher he didn't know where he was staying tonight, that he had "warm clothes". I appreciate the thoughts about easy child, we really have to focus on him, he has suffered and will continue to suffer. That's not fair to a 10 year old. We've filed a missing persons report but now will have to call them and let them know we know where he is. I agree about not shutting off his phone. We texted him last night, told him we loved him and wanted to help and he did text back "I'm fine." If/when he returns we are going to tell him once again that he needs to be living at home and going to school in order to get any money at all from us. He is due to get his license in April so that will also be something that is up for negotiation. I guess tonight if we don't know where he is will report him again to the police so they can keep an eye out for him. Any other thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Why does it have to be winter?
  14. idohope

    idohope Member

    I also suggest contacting the school, many have a resource officer connected to the school. Let them know that he is threatening to not attend. They may be willing to call you if he does not show up at school. Let the school help with the truancy (if it occurs since it sounds like he went that day) rather than you trying to enforce him going to school on your own.
  15. I feel that way daily my son that i gave birth too and raised i dont know where he is . His is so mean to my parents and his brother . He says things to me that a child should not be telling their mother. Being a single parent with a child who is out of control is very hard to deal with . I sit down and wondering where my son is and who is this child in front of me . I feel so lost .
  16. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    Thank you for that! He is currently at a basketball game with the neighbors and will stay there tonight. There are good things about a small community that's for sure. His guidance counselor talked with him today and he told her he would live in a tent and become emancipated. What is with this grandiose thinking? We are taking one day at a time I guess. Thanks again. -Lynn
  17. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    The grandiose thinking comes from his peers who are, no doubt, a tad jealous that he has such caring parents. My son actually did stay in a tent with other party animals who helped hide him from the authorities. The woods were full of disenfranchised teens living in makeshift shelters. There were a lot of drugs/booze/sexually available girls. He'll be okay, they will watch over him. He won't freeze.

    Why don't you contact the school nurse and see if she can help? In our case, the guidance dpt was also involved. Beware of that, our difficult child told them that he had to run due to abuse by me. We were investigated by CPS. That was a shock. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

    Please keep posting and keep us informed.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to send support. {hugs}
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I just wanted to add my .02 cents about a 15 year old run-away and.....

    First of all - To test him for drugs will possibly confirm some suspicions - but then what? Force him into rehab? If he goes you have a chance (albeit one) that he gets there, hears what someone has to say about drugs ruining his life, being bad and he commits to quittings, stays strong, and is released does NOT get back into old habits, but mostly WANTS to quit. Best case scenario - he WANTS to quit, stays away from peer pressure, and goes back to the loving son you knew.

    As far as texting him that you love him, you miss him - you're there for him when he's blatenly disobeyed and you had to have police at your home? Oh NO - BAD MOVE FOR NEXT TIME. Next time? Yup next time. This was dress rehersal for "I will do what I want, when I want and you can't do anything about it." - IF you persist in "chasing" behavior? He will eat you alive. If you act as if you don't care where he is? You truly have a better chance of him coming home humble wondering WHY you didn't SEEK HIM OUT at all costs - call out the Coast Guard, the POLICE - the SWAT team...TRUST me - WE made the same mistakes - out in our cars, our vans, calling the police, all his friends - and the parent of his friend KNEW he was at her house and LIED - it was awful - she was an enabler - and the SECOND time? I didn't play - I called the cop every day - reported him missing - and then sent them TO HER HOUSE - where they surrounded the house and gave her 1 minute to either put him out - or they would bust in (no joke) and arrest her for harboring.

    HOWEVER - The second time the police brought him back - he ran away AGAIN - and we made yet another report - and the police soon tired of going to the friends house - but this time he hid and went to school - so we were called to school. But we had a plan in place for PLACEMENT. Was it a good plan? (Shrug) It was a plan to give our house a time to settle - and to give HIM a chance to see that we would and could survive without him and if he WANTED to live with kids whose parents did NOT want them, love them or care about them - HERE YA GO - and off we went, dropped him literally at the door with a bag of clothes and did NOT call or visit for a month. - IT.KILLED.ME. But I did it for him. He left there with a slightly better attitude. He also left there with a lot of horror stories of other kids who REALLY had to run away from home. But our therapist said if we had chased him? He owned us. AND we needed a break - so having a plan in place for his "return" was wonderful break - that and he told the school I beat him, burned his books, and threw away his clothes. - You don't know me but I'm a big woman- I boxed when I was younger, If I hit you? You'd know it - and you wouldn't show up to school or anywhere else with no black eyes. I also handed the school principal his books and came to school with nearly a bag full of nice clothes. (you know the not burned ones) -----so yeah - I'm awful.

    I wish you the best. I also hope you and your husband get into therapy to learn some upper hand strategy for dealing with this person. teens are hard enough. Troubled teens? Ewwwwww Yeah - Any help you can get from a professional? TAKE IT. You will need it to stay a foot ahead. Trust us on that point.

  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Lady with five pointy thing speak truth...