My son is apparently gone ...

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toughlovin

Guest
I think it is a fine line between chasing them and letting them know you still love them. I think especially with kids who were adopted, there are often big abandonment issues you don't want to play into. In our case we kicked our son out and my initital thought was we would wait for him to contact us, and my therapist pointed out he probably would not. So we did text him, we let him know we cared about him but at the same time making it clear he could not come home. So he kept in touch some and did call us when he got arrested .... the first time he called we said oh that is too bad but did not bail him out. So I agree don't chase him but I think you can not chase him and still let him know you care.

I don't know what would have happened with our son if we had not kept in touch. He did end up getting in a heap of trouble when he was not living at home, we were not real sympathetic although when he did get sent to jail we did step in and get him a lawyer... who is wonderful and the end result was a plea bargain with a suspended sentence and him being sent to rehab which is exactly what he needed. And he agreed to go and it was ultimately his decision not ours. I think if he had ended up in jail, with a court appointed attorney and him feeling totally abandoned by us it might have been a total lost cause. I just don't know.

Everyones kid is different and you know your kid better than we do.
 

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
I agree about the adopted kid difference. In our case we had a shrink, a counselor and a psychologist urging us to keep in touch with him. It's so confusing to try to figure out what is reality when you have a bunch of professionals telling you what to do.
 
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Frazzledmom

Guest
Thank you all again. Here's the crazy situation we're in. At this point he is "living" up the street (two houses up to be exact) with family friends. It has always been almost a second home for him since he was three. He is well supervised and being the model guest at the moment. He is 100% different out of our home. He went to school all week and came home to get clothes yesterday. I know that we are a bit whimpy but I do believe that there are adoption issues at work here. The fact that it's ONLY rearing it's ugly head in our family is a clue I think. He has not run away to find drugs because there has been no access to them at either home he's been in. I'm almost positive of that. (I'm not saying he's not doing drugs, I still think it is likely a peice of this puzzle, just not the primary one.) BUT! Lest you think we are total marshmellows, I AM taking your words to heart and trying to do it differently this time.

Of course, right now it's a luxury because we know where he is and that he's safe - but last time I gave a grade B movie performance in the driveway (tears from all of us) that he's not getting this time. I text him once a day with I love you and miss you. My husband said the same yesterday when he came home and got the bedroom door slammed in his face. We're not chasing him, we're kept informed by the neighbors. We're enjoying a quiet, peaceful home for the first time in months. We'll see about Christmas but I'm not begging him, no way. The change in easy child has been very telling, he's not shut in the den with the TV and much more relaxed. We'll report difficult child to the police again if he disappears but so far he has shown no signs of doing that. They put him on the national registry but that is all they will do. In Maine they will not bring a runaway home unless they are positive they are in danger at that moment.

Our therapist is experienced with adopted kids of all shapes and sizes. She, OF COURSE!, is on vacation but we have an appointment on Monday. I thank each and every one of you for all of your advice and support. I don't think my head would be quite as clear without you. I certainly have my moments but I'm determined to enjoy a bit of Christmas and be thankful for what I have. You have all given me a bit of courage which I desperately needed...of course I am no where near warrior status yet but I'm working on it! I'll keep you posted.
 
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toughlovin

Guest
I am so so glad he is in a safe place for now. That makes such a difference in your peace of mind. I think it is awesome they are people you know who will keep you informed. When my son left our house he went to stay with a friend and his family. I did not know these people at all but they had a bit of a reputation with the school he was in and other parents. One day we dropped by to bring out son some stuff and talked to the dad. We were friendly, they were friendly and we became sort of friends. They are very very different from us and there are things going on there that were not good but at least I knew he was not on the streets... and they would keep in touch with me and if I got really worried I could call them. That helped me enormously. They also obviously liked my son and truly cared about him. The dad had some pretty rough experiences in his life, including being adopted and so there was a way my son could relate to him too. So I am thankful to that family for trying to keep him safe and out of trouble.... they did not succeed in keeping him out of trouble but that was my sons doing not theirs.

So anyway I am glad for you. Enjoy your Christmas with your easy child and if your difficult child comes around fine and if not thats fine too.

This is the first Xmas my son difficult child will not be home and you know it is going to turn out to be one of the most relaxed ones ever.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
Ploof -

I'm adopted - I'm 46 - It took me YEARS - and I mean into my 40's to completely get a grip on how I felt about it. I've told other Mom's here that despite your very best Mothering skills and your loving home, and everything else that you do in our lives - there is a little something in the back of OUR ADOPTED brains that we have absolutely no clue is there. It's very weird. It's almost like a secret steering wheel that controls me without me knowing I'm being controlled. Or an inner voice that would contradict my self-esteem, or something in my being that would tell me no matter how hard I tried, no matter how happy I was, or how much I was doused with love and affection - it really was NOT for me. Superfically I knew that wasn't true. I KNEW in my heart my parents LOVED me - but a part of my brain always told me - THEY HAVE TO. And you will never understand this - but I likened it to when a person goes to a kennel and PICKS out a puppy - They want it, they've prepared for it, they felt a need for it, they paid for it - so of COURSE they will take care of it. ALL of those things at one time or another roll around in the back of an adoptees brain whether we want them to or not. Yes, I know as my Mom you WANT me, You PLANNED for me, YOU NEEDED me and I also know whether you knew about my coming or not - you'd be paying for me - but there is always thoughts like that whether they are conscious or subconscious. It's very hard to explain to someone who loves someone unconditionally so much - it's not you.

On the flip side - also engrained in the back of a lot of adoptees like me - there was the WHY factor. WHY was I thrown away? WHY was I given up? WHY couldn't you make it work with me? WHY was I like garbage to you? WHY wasn't I important enough to keep? As a child - I think like a child. And those thoughts become patterns. I didn't even know those thoughts were becoming patterns - and eventually would effect the way I think about many things. Mostly my self esteem. I knew I wasn't wanted there, but these people THESE people wanted me so badly. THAT should have been the thing that mattered. But so many unsolved WHY's in my life, that I had no idea I even needed to ask about, to deal with when I was younger - and it made me a tad difficult to deal with as a teen and lead to me making poor decisions as an adult for myself. I deserved better - I just didn't feel I did. And it wasn't until I began therapy for being in a violent marriage - and left and took my son - that I started to realize I had that many issues - I figured if I left him? It was all done. Good. Not so - I had to go all the way back to how I felt as a four year old child being adopted.....and wow - what a revelation. I had NO clue NO clue when some of the things came out of my mouth in session - that did - that they were the underlying cause for so many of my problems, choices, or thought processes. If I didn't even know it myself HOW could I ever tell anyone else to get help?

Your son isn't in a struggle with you. He's in a struggle with KNOWING that what he has right now is two loving parents that he wants to love and appreciate - but being so confused in his mind with the W's - who, what, where, when, why of his birth and all that - Even if it was open adoption? Still - messes you up. What I took away from counseling after 15 years? I am who I am irregardless of the W's. It would be interesting to find out that I'm a princess - or that I'm a certain nationality - I mean cause I am beautiful - or that I'm the granddaughter of Picasso because I am a good artist - you know (tongue in cheek) but WHO I am from here on out? Counts for so much more that WHERE I came from and ONLY I can make that happen, ONLY I can change it - and -----had I NOT been from Princess/Picasso stock - had my family genes been all horrible people - Great Granddaughter of Jack the Ripper (I mean I do like to slice cheese) and GGGGG Gdaughter Of Atila the Hun? You should see me ride a horse - I'm like a Barbarian.....then what? Does that mean I'm destined to be a bad person? Nope - just means that from this day forward I AM WHO I AM and who I MAKE ME TO BE - It's like I get a chance to be an dmake myself whomever I want to be. When you get over the history channel part of your world it's okay......but the struggle in it? Until someone in a professional capacity can work through the layers of it from now back to about age 4? He's going to struggle.

Just keep in mind - it's not you - it's not your husband. It's your sons own personal war. Some kids - find help and get over it and come back around to their parents. Others just never do and that's so sad for them because they should appreciate and embrace their parents - and not only did they miss the chance for birth parents - but they missed the chance for their real parents in their life as well - Their loss - their is help out there you just have to know to ask for it.

Hope this helps you - doesn't make it any less painful I am sure. I wasn't easy on my Mom and Dad either - but if anyone in my bio family asked for a reunion today? I'd just bow out and say - Thank you for the life you gave me - I love you for it and I'm very happy where I am.

Hugs
Star
 
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toughlovin

Guest
Thatks Star for sharing that. It was helpful to me. I am pretty sure at least some of my sons issues are adoption issues.
 
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Frazzledmom

Guest
Star, I also have to say that you are a great writer so add Bronte/Angelou/Kingsolver to your list of possible birthfamily connections! The tough thing for my son is that his birthparents know where we are and have chosen not to have contact with him. That's got to be a double loss and my heart breaks for him. Add to that an inability to talk about it and it's a perfect storm. My lastest conversation with the woman he's staying with was that he wants to be on his own but he has no plans or ideas for a job, transportation, or a living situation. He's completely irrational and really wants someone to swoop in and fix it. It can't happen this time I'm afraid.
 

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
Star, I really want my difficult child 1 to read what you have written. Our problem in this home is that he refuses to accept that being adopted is a major factor in his life.
 
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Frazzledmom

Guest
Amen to that. We have had VERY few conversations with difficult child about being adopted. We have TRIED but he will not talk. easy child will say, "I'm sad about being adopted!" At least we can do something with that!
 
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HaoZi

Guest
Another adoptee speaking up here - Even though I knew, both from my adopted parents, and later confirmed by bio-parents, that I was given up and placed privately for adoption because they knew they could not take proper care of me (mostly financial reasons) and wanted to make certain I would be placed where I would be well cared for with more advantages and opportunities, I have had (and in some ways still do have) those same adoption issues. I never feel I fit in with either family, with my friends, anywhere. Not completely. I (mostly) compensated in other ways, and I enjoy my solitude most of the time, but there is still that nagging feeling in the back of everything else, sometimes tugging on me more than usual, but always there, and even when it's quiet and not pulling on me I feel its presence.

Edit: The book I found that helped me most was "Journey Of The Adopted Self: A Quest For Wholeness" by Betty Jean Lifton
They have it at amazon.com if you want to use the board link thingy to get it.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
If it is a better life for you all for him to be out of the house, then I think you are doing the right thing by not making him come home. He just might know what is best for himself at this time and he is making it happen. Don't fight it. The problem comes when he starts to be himself at the other homes and suddenly he has no place to go. So, my thoughts are to work with the people he is staying with to prepare them for what may be to come and have a plan for that point in time.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
You wanna know how I found out I was adopted? The very day that my parents decided to sit down and tell me the very mean neighbor girl (whom I dislike to this day) came running up to my face and screamed in a mocking tone - "Your parents aren't your REAL parents you were adopted." I was so angry. I went marching home, knocked on our front door and looked up at my Mother and said "Tell her YOU ARE my real Mother." and the look on her face at that moment? I can still see her telling jerk-wad to go home and telling me to come inside. I was about five. I didn't understand it, and about an hour later? It didn't matter anyway. I had bigger battles to fight - you know, jerk wad poking sticks through the fence and calling me names. Mostly because I had a hobby horse and she had ugly, natural parents.

It wasn't until about seventh grade that I even ran into another girl that even OPENLY admitted she was adopted. I remember slinking back in my chair and thinking to myself 'I'm not going to admit that, if I do the other kids will think I'm different or weird or something." So I kept my mouth shut. But Amy? Amy kept on and on about her Mother not being her real Mother and how she was going to look for her bio Mom when she was older and all the other things I hadn't even begun to think about. She said her Mom KNEW where her REAL Mom was and her real Mom KNEW where she was, she was just too busy to come see her. I thought - 'How weird - why would your Mom know where you were and NOT want to see you?" So I asked her. Amy either had a vivid imagination or a really wild bio Mom, but needless to say - she was not going to give up looking. She didn't either. When we were in high school she found, and went to her bio Mom and did the SURPRISE thing and it was tragic. Bio Mom was angry, bitter, told her she never should have come - she HAD a Mother, why did she ruin 18 years didn't she think it was hard enough on her already? I mean Amy was devastated. I'm not sure she ever recovered from it, and she went from straight A student to alcoholic in no time flat. I watched her spiral and finally admitted to her that I was also an adoptee, but I loved My Mom and Dad. When she asked if I ever thought about looking I said "Well yes and no." Yes - I'm curious about who I am, and of course I would always throw in that 'for medical purposes' yadda yadda -which by the way is ****. I have so many things wrong with me if I had known what was coming down the pike WHAT could I have done about it anyway? Nothing. Thalassemia - poof there it is. lol. Like I needed to know about THAT 20 years ago. Then I told her that most of me felt a tug between being LOYAL and CURIOUS.

See that's the part that I think is the inner battle for a lot of people. You dont' want to come off as ungrateful for what you have, but at the same time - there MIGHT be a connection somewhere else. It's a gamble to be sure. When I asked at about 16 yo? My Mother did the coolest thing to help me decide if I wanted to pursue looking any further. It didn't help me with the subconscious stuff - but it helped me give up the battle for the search question. We were walking in the mall and this beautiful, well dressed, georgeous, business like woman in a suit, not a hair out of place with a briefcase, nails - I mean she was stunning for about 38-40ish - walked by us. My Mom leans over and says "What if she was your birthmother?" My mind went racing. All I could think was - OMG I KNEW IT - I was not born MIDDLE CLASS - I was born to people with money - and someday THERE WILL BE AN INHERITANCE for me, I bet she drives a BMW - I bet she is really smart. And as she walked by? All these things went through my mind about IF that person - so well put together, were to be my Mother. Ahhh I just knew it. And we finished the rest of our shopping with me feeling a little lighter. It was almost (to me) as if my Mom had given me a clue....you know, I WAS RICH (remember the princess theory?) yeah....well I was so happy.

So then later in the day we go to Kmart. As we're walking up to the door, there is a very heavy, and when I say very I mean in those days she was well over 400 lbs and that was hardly seen then - and short, wearing sweat pants that were two sizes two small, nasty dirty tennis shoes, her hair was short, unkept, she waddled from side to side when she walked, and she was SCREAMING at two boys who were very unbehaved, crawling all over the place on those dime rides of horses and something else - but she was screaming non-English slang I mean near hillbilly at them and in public. As we got closer I could see she was missing teeth or didn't have teeth, and was dirty to boot. The kids weren't well kept. Dirty clothes, messy hair. So as me and my Mom walked past Mom leans over to me and says "AND What if She was your bio Mother?" I was stunned. I had never thought about it like that. I mean not once did it ever occur to me that THAT could occur. I kept saying I just wanted to find out if I had brothers and sisters - but WOW .......was THAT worth it? I worked a job at that time and could just picture the Kmart woman screaming "Bring me home a Pepsi and some Newports and some diapers for your sisters baby." I wasn't walking so high in my sneakers after that.

So it hit me so profoundly that day - that it was a 50/50 chance or I could land somewhere in the middle, or maybe the story would be a lost Vietman Vet love...gone to war. I mean it's been so long - the records are sealed. They're sealed for a reason. But the one thing I disagree with in sealing records is that everyone should KNOW WHY they were given up. I think that would help you adjust. I mean the birth Mother and Father could even write - unable to support financially and WOW what a difference that would make in your mind. Or Father abandoned, could not raise alone. Mother ill, not able to care for infant, Father unknown. SOMETHING ANYTHING that just doesn't leave your mind whirling around wondering why?

I think something that may help your son on his journey? Talking to someone who is adopted/adjusted and grounded about it. I was fortunate to have a wonderful set of parents, and later a fantastic counselor that did EMDR therapy, which fast tracked a lot of issues for me. I had been in counseling several years though -and very ready to put it behind me. I felt so lifted after. Maybe other adoptees his age would be able to help - but for now? I think maybe what you and your husband could use is maybe a visit to a counselor that deals with kids, and adoption issues - and if the one you are seeing hasn't helped so far? Id find another. Sometimes kids just need to click before they open their mouths. Sometimes that isn't going to happen. I hope and pray he gets to talk to someone about this. The sooner the better.

Hugs
Star
 
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Frazzledmom

Guest
Oh, thanks for that insight. I wish, I wish I wish he would talk to someone. Maybe he's getting closer to it but right now he refuses. He really doesn't think he needs any help at all...well at some level he must know but at this point he's not admitting it to us. Your post makes me think we should try harder though, and we will.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Over here, it has been the custom for decades for the birth mother to write a letter to the baby when relinquishing. Of course it doesn't always happen, but it does help. About the same time we had easy child 2/difficult child 2 (a little before, actually) a friend of my sister's was finally given a baby she had been wanting for years. They were borderline too old to adopt, but they had fought a very public fight with officials over that and finally the media pressure won. That little girl was doted on, given everything she could have wanted, loved utterly by her adoptive parents. She has grown up having every possible advantage, going to the best schools. She nearly went off the rails for a while in her teens but is doing really well now. We got the cast-offs for easy child 2/difficult child 2 who, for a while, was the best-dressed baby in the day care centre!

The baby's bio-mum wrote a lovely letter to her baby. I didn't see it but I was told about it, the letter described how she was still a child herself, barely 15, she had good parents but had gone too far with her boyfriend and got pregnant; would have loved to keep her baby but knew the baby would be better off with parents who could give her what she needed. The letter was anonymous (required by the agency) but the files were beginning to be left sufficiently open, so that if both parties wanted to meet later on, they could. I don't know if that has happened with this little girl - I know her adoptive parents would be supportive. The girl has always known she was adopted, and known just how desperately her adoptive mother wanted a baby. Her time going off the rails was, I think, primarily pampered princess rather than adopted kid.

I've heard of other adopted kids and letters from bio-parents. I think it's a marvellous idea to make such a thing possible.

When my sister adopted her kids, she never told them. In those days it was fairly common to adopt kids and raise them as your own and never tell them. But when her wayward son was in his teens and running away from home, she finally told him in a fit of temper and frustration. It was a shock, but as he hated his adoptive father, he said he was relieved and glad to know. So she told her other adopted child soon after - she was in her teens too. Again, she was glad to know. She did consider looking for her bio-family, but with both those kids we know that the baby in each case was neglected and abused, so they haven't really wanted to open that Pandora's box.

I had an uncle who was adopted, I remember being told. My mother also told me that he once said, "If I'm adopted, don't ever tell me, I don't want to know." I thought that was an unusual thing to say. From what we have worked out now (long after my mother's death, long after my uncle's death) - my uncle was actually the natural son of his adoptive father. We think it was possibly a surrogacy arrangement, but back in WWI times. He served in WWII but was in his teens.
There are more strange things in heaven and earth, Horatio...

Marg
 
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HaoZi

Guest
I was raised knowing that I was adopted, we even did a birthday-type thing on the day of the adoption that my parents called "Happy Welcome Home Day". My mom didn't want me to search for my birth parents while she was living, and my dad still does not want to meet my bio-parents, but he does ask how they and my half-sister are doing now and then. Because I was placed privately, it was possible for information to be left for me with the agency if I ever decided to dig into my bio-past. The agency played go-between, searching for my bio-parents and finding out if they would accept a letter from me, then sent me the responses. They continued to be a go-between, keeping copies of the letters passed back and forth until everyone involved felt comfortable for an in-person meet, which they also facilitated and had staff on-hand for with experience in such things. I know there is still some contention between my bio-parents, which they pretty much keep between themselves, and I have never been allowed to know about or meet the rest of my bio-mother's family, I do kind of understand why (it's only been hinted at in what ways they are not exactly the best people to be around).

I'm not sure if this agency (which I'm pretty sure is nation-wide) would be willing to moderate/facilitate communications if he was not placed through them, but if you want the name of the agency to contact you can PM me. If nothing else they might know of good counselors for these situations in your area. That's for when he's 18 and if he is interested.
 
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toughlovin

Guest
Star - thanks for sharing more of your story. We started using adoption language when our kids were babies, so they literally always knew they were adopted. I think for a while they thought that was the main way to build a family.

When my son was about 8 he came home one day and said "You are not my real mother". My stomach did a flip but I kept calm and said oh yea, I think I am pretty real. I am not fake. I am not made of rubber. He said I kind of have two mothers, you and my birthmother. I said yes that is right and both of us are real. Everybody is real in adoption, no one is fake. It kind of became a joke after that, whether i was "real" or not. I did ask him a couple of days later why he brought that up... and he told me one of his friends had told him if you are adopted, then the person you call mom is not your real mother!! I called up that boys mother and tried to just let her know maybe it was time to try and use better language around adoption. She was very defensive and i quickly dropped it. It bugged me though.

Anyway I do think it helps that people are more open about adoption now a days, and I think in most cases kids are told very very early, so there is no one event where you are sat down and explained to that you are adopted. I think that would be very very hard to have that happen as a child or as a teenage.

But I think even with the increased openess, adoption still carries loss with it that often people don't realize.
 
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