My son is going to lose the custody he has and is going to kill himself

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't really know for sure if he will, but it won't be pretty. He saw his son's guardian ad litem today and his ex saw the GAL yesterday and played every single phone call they had ever had and the GAL was clearly happy with her and not happy with my son. He barely got a chance to speak.

    I don't know how to deal with his distress. I know how I *should* act, but I don't know how to act. I know I can't stop him from killing himself. PE moms, talk me out of my angst. There is nothing I can do and I have others who need me to be the best me I can be.
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Remind your son and yourself that no matter who has custody of this child...your son is the father forever. You will always be grandmother. Kids are only needing guardians for so long and then they have the rest of their lives to be with whomever they choose. My son did not live with his first son for most of the first 5 yrs. My son was in 4 jails and then state prison. When custody time came up and my grandson was 5, my son got sole custody of his son!

    Judges have seen it all and can filter thru stuff. Have faith that there are things working behind the scenes that are also in your son's favor as well as things against him.
  3. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Also be sure to think of what is the worst that can happen and then visualize what would happen next, then next...your son needs to do the same. If he kills himself, his son will have that to live with and that would be hard on him. He would always know that dad took his own life.

    My sister's first husband took his life when she had custody of the kids. It was a shame because the kids were small and they loved their dad. Now that the kids are growing up, they long for their dad to be at their weddings and to see the grandchildren. Tell your son that his son will need him even more down the road.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Our GAL seemed to HATE us and LOVE bio... And then recommended husband get full custody. I think I sent you the report...?
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, I don't think that will happen this time, AnnieO. You don't know my son. She recorded every phonecall they had and selectively picked out the ones where he was at his worst and his worst isn't nice. It did sound like GAL made up her mind and she demanded he see the psychologist that ex and her honey have been seeing for months...and right away. He is a psychologist who is primarily used for custody. Ex has stressed his anxiety disorder and she recorded all of his phone calls with his son and the GAL said it wasn't w hat he said that bothered her, but it was the WAY he said things to if he were anxious about him. "How are you, buddy? What are you doing? Do you feel all right?" I don't think that's so awful, but GAL didn't like it.

    It doesn't look good and no matter w hat I have told my son, and believe me I have said everything recommended here, he is an all-or-nothing black-and-white thinker and can not see beyond the immediate catastrophe. To him, he has lost his son completely and I know he is seriously thinking of suicide. He sounded scary tonight and was abusive to me, but the abuse came from his fear of "losing" his son and finally because he wanted me to brainstorm with him about what to tell the psychologist "to get him to like me" and I said I had no idea how...he called me a horrible parent and hung up. I do not feel hurt feelings. I know this was all high anxiety, desperation based. I do feel he will try to kill himself when the hearing is over and maybe he will succeed. He suffers from the same mental illnesses I have only he is not as capable of helping himself as I always was. All suggestions are met with "I CAN'T!"

    But thanks for the good words. I really appreciate your responses. At least I don't feel so alone in this and I know I have to go on because I have a family who needs me, regardless of 35's suffering. He simply refuses to let anybody help him learn coping mechanisms other than psychologists and he can't afford one currently.

    Sad thing is grandson clings to his father and loves him to death and never wants to go back to visit his mother and stepfather (yes, they got married), but that doesn't matter.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    MWM I have no advice but I am sending hugs your way in hopes this all works out.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I sent son a text this morning because I feel drained from hearing him; both alternately abuse me then cry and threaten to kill himself. I told him to find a therapist and I will pay the copay. I told him go to the hospital if necessary. He probably won't go for help, but if he does I am willing to fund the doctor. As for me, I am fresh out of being able to listen. I woke up shaking today, which is not fair to myself, my husband, Jumper and Sonic.

    Thanks for the "ear."
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    The GAL will have spoken to your grandson, too... And... The GAL is looking out for HIS best interests. Not 35's. Not his ex's. It's the job of the GAL to hate the parents... LOL.

    But you know this... And getting it through to 35 is an exercise in futility...
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MWM, I have no pearls of wisdom, just another mother's heart who can understand your struggles...........I am so sorry, this has got to be pulling you in so many different directions with your son and also your feelings for and about your grandson.

    Your son needs help and you've given ALL that you can in listening and offering the support you have. There is nothing else you can do but what you have and what you are doing. And, I know how tough that is, to have that sense of helplessness in the face of our kids choices.

    *As DDD always says, hold the serenity prayer close now, take deep breaths, place your son and grandson in the hands of what you consider a Higher Power............their destiny is playing itself out.............many understanding hugs coming your way as well as prayers for the most loving outcome for everyone............
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That is a very reasonable and kind offer... you can't be his therapist, but if you can afford to make it a no-cost option for him, then he at least has the option.
  11. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I'm so sorry this is happening, MWM.

    Please keep us posted.

    Know that I am holding a special thought for you both, today.

  12. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I am sorry to hear what is going on. Hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way.
  13. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I'm so sorry... I'm keeping you close in my thoughts... Many hugs... SFR
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. It is one step at a time and taking care of my own issues too. I am fresh out of the ability to listen and I can only help him if he seeks the professional help that he so badly needs. I have to leave the rest in God's hands and, yes, I cling to the serenity prayer.
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Is today a better day, MWM?

    The Serenity Prayer helps me, too. I spoke it aloud for you, this morning.