My son is in a crisis unit. Voluntarily, I think.

[Copabanana]

I can go right back to my old behavior like that in my mind.

I go right to the worst case scenario.

just didn't say anything.

You know I was fully conscious of this choice point, when I chose wrong.

I was in the master bedroom, laying down. My son was in his room talking to the psychiatrist making a plan about how he was going to follow through pursuing treatment. I knew that. I was flooded with the most intense feelings-like the kind of rage and fear that comes from being traumatized. Possibly even the wish for vengeance that you see on TV with the Palestinians and Israels when their children have been killed and they have gone mad with grief and rage and fear, and their is no knowing at the time which one is running the show, but it is clear that no sane mind is in charge. *So, please try not to tell me that this is wrong behavior for a mother. I am well aware of what I nutcase I am. But if I do not tell the truth to myself, I will not ever change--if it is possible to do so, because I am not sure.

So I walked right to his room knowing that I would likely sabotage whatever constructive plan he was making with the psychiatrist and I sabotaged it. And I knew what I was doing. I did not care. Because what had overridden my logical mind was the desire to get rid of the horrible feelings in my head (trauma, grief, rage, fear).

But the reality of this picture is my child is the injured one by his own hand and I feel as if I am the one that the pain is inflicted upon. I have substituted myself in the picture as the injured party. We have switched roles as surely as if I bargained to replace myself as the hostage. And there I am now the hostage and searching for a perpetrator (because after all there must be one) and what do I do--decide the perpetrator is my son, which makes perfect sense in one loony way. So I attack my son as the responsible party. Well he is the responsible party, But not in the sense that he is responsible for this tragedy that I am playing out. In the greatest sense he has nothing at all to do with it. But I see him as its trigger.

I am playing out my own story, of victimization and retribution, or some age old story that was passed down to me in my bloodline.(Can you see one of those mothers in the street in some southern mediterranean place. Except her dark hair is uncovered and wild in her face--pasted on her sweaty brow and nose snotty from crying--she is in the street screaming with her fists in the air. She is mythic and I am her.) Avenging my child/self--against my own child. Do you see it? I am truly a whack job. Please remember this when you rate my posts from now on. From now on please pick Whack Job. Or Wing Nut. Lest I forget.

I have offered myself up as the victim--and then see my son as the perpetrator against me. And I have then sabotaged what he is doing to help himself.

I mean, I need to lock myself up. So as to not do any more damage. Danger to self or others. I fit that category very, very well.

in my opinion you pay too much attention and talk too much to an adult child who is a man

Yes. I know I do. Thank you SWOT. I could say here it is because I like him and I love him but if I do I will feel ever more culpable and deranged.

I wonder sometimes if M is threatened by your working success.

I do not think so. This is M and my 4th prison together.

I think M is seeing what happens to me, and saying something like: You need to do what ever you have to do to get a grip. If your work is pushing you over the edge, stop it. But he is not saying stop it.

My son is the one who is saying "you are bringing work problems home" and I do not want to be the scapegoat. And he is right.

There is reality to what M and my son are saying. I agree with each of them. Thank you COM and SWOT. I will post again in a little bit about something that happened at work. I have clarity now about what I will do about that now.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa, you know what you do wrong...how your thinking is wrong. Yes, you can change and do right by yourself and your son. Are you dead? If not, you can stop the sabataging and the victimhood. I did and made more progress from 50 to now than my whOle life before. You can too. Ypu may need a Psycologist.

NOW I know you don't trust many, but maybe that is an old hang up? Forget the 80 year old psychiat r ist. I am 62 and I would never go to a man that age. He learned at a time when psychiatry was not as evolved and helpful as it is noe. As for your son? This is not a good match for a 27 year old man. He is 50 years younger.

Do change. It will hurt you and your son for thing to stay the same. And I'f you don't change, what kind of example does that show your son? He needs to see that you can change so that he is living with somebody who embraces becoming a more sane and calm person. You expect him to change but insist YOU cant. But you both can

 

[Copabanana]

Well, I decided to go to work on Tuesday and give notice that I do not want to continue working full time with a caseload. I am willing to work for them on call in short-term stints as they choose and as I am available, doing work that can be completed in a short stretch. I am an independent contractor. I have no obligation nor do they to me. We can change the terms any time and for any reason we want. They can and I can.

When I told M, he said: Why don't you think about working until the days get shorter, so that you can reach your goals, or get closer to reach them? (In the beginning of Oct the days will be so short that we will not have daylight the whole drive to work and in Nov nightfall will come before I leave work at night. M is fearful to drive in the dark through the country roads which are bad. His night vision is better than mine but still not good.)

So I said to him: M you need to understand that you may admire and respect me but that does not mean other people do. Other people may think I am old and a fool.

So M answered: And they will think that of me if they want. There is no other world than that.

You see, something bad happened (again) on Friday. This time with one of my 3 supervisors ( very strange system--there is no division of labor, and they are all 3 immediately above me). And even stranger, in light of what this guy tried to do, is the fact that they cannot do anything to control my work as I am not an employee. I pay my malpractice insurance and I carry all of my own risk. I direct my own work and the manner in which I do it.All they can do is let me go. This young man supervisor seems not to understand me. He practically ordered me to treat a patient in a particular way (badly, unfairly, illegally and unethically), at least as I saw it--although I did not say those words. But I did hold my ground and I did say "no."

And afterwards I cried because he was very, very aggressive. He tried to intimidate me and then to crush me. M does not want me to run away, I guess. But I do not want to be hurt more than I have been.

My son has been gone all day since we both got up and he is still not back. M for some reason thinks that something will have changed between my son and I, in the dynamic, and it will be easier, for me. He said this in conjunction with his idea that I try to keep going to work, happen what happens.

You see when boss type people think bad about me and treat me bad it affects how I think about myself. It did not so much before but now that I am more vulnerable and older, I am not afraid they will crush me (never will they do that) but I afraid I will be badly bruised. Honest to G-d, I did not see coming what that young supervisor did. For 10 minutes he barraged me with attacks to get me to submit to him. I did not. I was never close to submitting, but boy oh boy was I affected. Not scared. Not nervous. But agitated and battered.

 

[savior no more]

ou are responsible to control your impulses. If you feel you cannot you are responsible to go get treatment, anger management or take medication to help you do so. You cannot stay with me if you will not or cannot control your anger. And if you do not make a plan to do so, you have to leave.

The words you spoke were matter of fact and did not berate your son as a person or belittle him in any way. You were setting a firm boundary that was reasonable. I think part of the problem is that you are the female saying these things and that you are carrying the part of the heavy in the relationship with M and meting out most of the boundaries. It appears that the judgement of your words has made you shrivel inside. I'm sorry for this. This reminds me of how most people in society treat me for my son's problems. If only I would have been different then my son wouldn't have done ... That's malarky. It's your son's behavior - not your fault. And it just might have been the thing to make him realize he needed help. Also, you could quit your job and watch your son's every move and he may never be different. You have to have your life too. My heartfelt thoughts of loving strength are being sent your way. Either I have a propensity for pickng men who always tell me how I should be different, or these relationships are very hard to manage when a Difficult Child is involved.

 

[savior no more]

I did not see coming what that young supervisor did. For 10 minutes he barraged me with attacks to get me to submit to him. I did not. I was never close to submitting, but boy oh boy was I affected. Not scared. Not nervous. But agitated and battered.

When I worked in big Pharma the greatest stress I ever had were young male bosses who bullied me. Very stressful on top of the stress you are dealing with your son. There were literally times I would hope their plane would crash when they would be coming to observe my sales calls. I would either crumple and become weaker or fight like heck, neither really served me well. It sounds like you are making some wise choices in order to protect yourself.

 

[Copabanana]

I think part of the problem is that you are the female saying these things and that you are carrying the part of the heavy in the relationship with M and meting out most of the boundaries.

It appears that the judgement of your words has made you shrivel inside. I'm sorry for this.

My Gosh, you are a genius. I felt this but I never thought it.

Because I have been forced to be so aggressive I am condemning myself as a shrew or a man-killer or some other, and M and my son are helping me do it.

M keeps telling me I need to turn into this woman at work.

I looked up workplace bullying and interrogation is what the young man did. He aggressively interrogated me as if I had committed a crime, as if I had done something bad, and was doing something bad--when it was a possible difference in opinion about the treatment of a patient. Because by law I have 3 months to decide on a diagnosis and a plan, but I can be overruled in both because the actual treatment changes are OKed in a committee of which I am one member but not the chair. If they want to overrule me it is easy. And they can easily fire me. I have no job protections. There is no reason to bully me, except for his desire to and need to do it.

I have no power, you see. Only by my professional role which he can neutralize. But he has no right or power to change my mind by force--which he was trying to do. He was trying to intimidate me. And he succeeded but not to the point i would give up what I thought. What arrogance on his part. What is the win, here? The more I held on the worse it got, like a cross-examination. And he finally folded, by saying, understand that a supervisor will reverse you. Of course, I accept and understand that. Is what I said. But that is way different than me giving into your insistence that I deprive a patient of his treatment and crush him because you told me so. I mean, you can do it. But you can't make me do it.

The words you spoke were matter of fact and did not berate your son as a person or belittle him in any way. You were setting a firm boundary that was reasonable.

Yes, they were. And I agree with you.

If only I would have been different then my son wouldn't have done ... That's malarky. It's your son's behavior - not your fault. And it just might have been the thing to make him realize he needed help.

What put me over the edge was the awareness that he left one treatment center that had offered treatment with the promise he was going to another--and then did not go. And then, even though we have now in one week destruction of property (mine) and threats of suicide to the psychiatrist--he manipulates so that he can walk away from offered treatment--and comes waltzing back to me, with this "in 2 weeks plan..." when he had treatment arranged and offered and the means to pay for it (I have him on my very good insurance.)

He has not come home and his sleeping bag is here. The thought has crossed my mind that he has done something to himself. Oh how hard this is. There is no safe place for me.

Thank you very much savior. Your post was extremely helpful,

 

[savior no more]

He has not come home and his sleeping bag is here. The thought has crossed my mind that he has done something to himself. Oh how hard this is. There is no safe place for me.

The only safe place I can find for myself in times like these is that a person's existence is beyond my control. If I am meant to be an instrument of their choosing life then I hope I don't even know it. This comes from a person whose father committed suicide, whose grandmother attempted six times, whose sister attempted once, and whose son numerous times threatened. In this matter of their life, I have to just give it up or the fear would eat me alive. Your son is a child of the universe and I hold him and you in safe, loving arms of a gentle creator.

The first time my son was beaten and left to die I crossed this veil of sheer horror to total acceptance that no matter what, I must know that all is well with his soul - even if appearances were different. Even though it might not be true, I had to do this for me to cope. There have been times too that I thought if he would just go on and die then it might be better. This is just my mind wanting comfort in a most uncomfortable situation. It's almost as if I had to come to terms with the absolute worst that could happen until I got some peace of mind. You will find the safe place deep within your own mind and heart - and only there.

 

[rebelson]

When I told M, he said: Why don't you think about working until the days get shorter, so that you can reach your goals, or get closer to reach them?

This may be a good option? Or, could you inform them that you will be part-time vs. full-time? Instead of 'per diem', as you mentioned? I think that you keeping busy is key here. I think that, from the way you speak, that you will be very disappointed in yourself if you significantly decrease your work hours. There has to be a middle ground, right?

You see when boss type people think bad about me and treat me bad it affects how I think about myself.

Yes, I completely understand this. I was such a tender, sensitive person. Still sensitive, but less...and the tenderness gets a bit tougher as I age. Just from life, cruel people - I have had my fair share of them. I was too tender for my own good. As a young nurse, some MD's were very harsh. Some could easily send me in to the bathroom (I hid from them, my upset) to cry silent tears. That is just one example. Though still tender, I am tougher now, I got tired of it. It seems you feel you get weaker as you age. Could you turn that weakness into anger? Somehow, like I need to do where d c is concerned. Turn my weakness, worry for him, for his safety/welfare/addiction, more into ''this is his life, you cannot make his choices for him...let it go.'' Not so much anger, per se', but detachment from the worry, from the elusive control.

M keeps telling me I need to turn into this woman at work.

Yes, and I agree. This is what I did, after years of suffering at work. I became semi-angry, tougher. With that, I believe came a bit more respect for me, from those certain nastier, egotistic MD's. As I got into my 30's, I realized that strong, judgmental ppl do not respect those who are tender, sensitive, like myself. They can, and do, easily bully those like us. My mother in law was one of those, who railroaded me. It gives them some type of satisfaction, for, what I believe, is a low self-esteem.

What put me over the edge was the awareness that he left one treatment center that had offered treatment with the promise he was going to another--and then did not go.

I understand this. It can be maddening, can't it? When they have the right path right in front of them...even saying they will take it. But then, bam! They for some reason, choose the wrong one....AGAIN. I think this happens as a result of immaturity and fear. But, we cannot control this. It is their choice to make. They will have to feel the bumps in the road from their bad choices, in order for them to change. My son does this too. And, it has been easy for me, to become angry at him. But, I am tired. Now, I just calmly tell him that that was a poor choice and give him my opinion on how to go forward. If he takes my advice, then good. If not, he will be the one to ultimately feel the repercussion.

I may be completely wrong, but I think your son feels like he's done a lot to try and please you and M. I feel like he has come to a standstill as to what he more he can do or cannot continue to do, to please you. I feel like he has reached a point of real frustration. Frustration that he is 'lacking' in the ability to do more, frustration that he has disappointed you and frustration that he now is likely waiting for you to kick him out. So, he chooses to go and hide in the woods. Perhaps that is 'peaceful' to him. Nature IS peaceful. I feel a real sort of tranquility, when I am out in nature. Even if it's in my back yard, on my hammock, near the boundary line of the woods.

Nature, the woods, may be his 'respite'. And, maybe he also feels like 'you' need a break from him.

My son has been gone all day since we both got up and he is still not back.

Has he returned?

 

[Copabanana]

Has he returned?

Yes.l I got up to let the dogs out at 5 and saw he had come home by the pee in that hall toilet. He is still here. I tested the door and it was locked.

You will find the safe place deep within your own mind and heart - and only there.

Yes. I know this in theory. At least that is what I tell patients.

The only safe place I can find for myself in times like these is that a person's existence is beyond my control.

Yes. You see, I altered completely my son's existence, for a time. I adopted him and it seemed as if I had altered his destiny from being abandoned in a crisis nursery to being loved with all the love I had to give. And then he decided to live as his birth-parents had, homeless. So, how much control had I really had?

I think that, from the way you speak, that you will be very disappointed in yourself if you significantly decrease your work hours.

I will plug on because if I quit now I am allowing that young man's treatment of me to determine what I do and how I define myself. But you see--there is part of me that wants to quit before he can hurt me more, by defining me as irrevocably bad, which he could do by letting me go. It is like--leaving the man just before he was about to leave you.

I am thinking about how I define "defeat." Is it quitting for fear I may lose, and labeling myself with a sandwich board sign in the street as a non-loser, or staying the course until there is a decided outcome, by either myself or them.

I was such a tender, sensitive person....I was too tender for my own good. As a young nurse,

Me too. Except never a nurse, thank goodness.

I am tougher now, I got tired of it. It seems you feel you get weaker as you age.

Yes and No. (My mother's dying and my response made me weaker, because how I thought off myself changed. I was greatly weakened as I had to come to grips with my real life and mistakes. My sense of myself as weakened came as a result of spending 2 years in bed!! After my mother died. I feel as if I look weaker to some others as I age. I made the mistake of, to this young man, identifying with his mother, more than once.

He thinks because he is a Doctor he has life licked and has come out on top. He has verbal agility and mental agility--and he does not understand yet that he is living a dream of his own creation, one that carries within it the seeds for his own destruction. He believes it is about conquering the world outside you.

When I think about it, there is no easy child. If I were this young man's mother I would be dreading what would come to be.

My mother in law was one of those, who railroaded me. It gives them some type of satisfaction, for, what I believe, is a low self-esteem.

My sister is like this, too. She is at heart an extremely insecure person who has seized upon the illusion of strength by power over other people.

I think your son feels like he's done a lot to try and please you and M. I feel like he has come to a standstill as to what he more he can do or cannot continue to do, to please you. I feel like he has reached a point of real frustration. Frustration that he is 'lacking' in the ability to do more, frustration that he has disappointed you and frustration that he now is likely waiting for you to kick him out.

This sounds exactly true to me.

He just came in to my room and I tried out this interpretation, he said no.

Thank you.

 

[rebelson]

He just came in to my room and I tried out this interpretation, he said no.

Interesting. Have you asked him calmly yet, "what were you so frustrated about, that you punched the drywall?"

I will plug on because if I quit now I am allowing that young man's treatment of me to determine what I do and how I define myself.

I think this is good, to keep plugging on. If it were me, next time I see him, act as if nothing happened, not mentioning the incident. Same old, same old. I have learned that strategy after many years of suffering and it has worked for me. If I obsess on it, it just makes it that much larger in my mind.

I hope I helped in some way.

Here's an article I found:
https://wakingupgroggy.wordpress.com/2010/01/29/10-ways-you-might-be-giving-your-power-away/

 

[mof]

Copa....so sorry for your heavy heart. I know it well and have some tough weeks ahead.

Prayers to you.

 

[Lil]

Well I've missed a bit here.

And afterwards I cried because he was very, very aggressive. He tried to intimidate me and then to crush me. M does not want me to run away, I guess. But I do not want to be hurt more than I have been.

I will plug on because if I quit now I am allowing that young man's treatment of me to determine what I do and how I define myself. But you see--there is part of me that wants to quit before he can hurt me more, by defining me as irrevocably bad, which he could do by letting me go.

I see this whole work situation very differently. I read your words and you are saying, "I'm weak. They hurt me. I have no power. I can do nothing." But maybe you should consider this, YOU have ALL the power here. Copa, this is a job...not your life. After you leave, they'll hire someone else. I've been in the same job TWENTY TWO years! If I left tomorrow...they'd hire someone else. In time, there would likely be no one who even remembers me. At best, they'd see my name on a paper and say, "Oh hey! I remember her! She worked here a long time!" But I won't know and I won't CARE. Sure, in the years we've lost people and I still miss a couple of them. But we've lost others that I can't even remember their names! MY LIFE - my family and friends outside of work - they will remember me. So, they can fire you. So what? It is NOT weak to stand up and say, "Treat me like a professional, with courtesy, or I walk." It is NOT weak to demand to be treated with respect. It is NOT weak to refuse to be bullied.

It's a JOB. A job is what you DO. It isn't WHO YOU ARE.

Personally, if all the stuff you've said happened to me, after that last incident, unless I was desperate for money, I'd have told the young bully boss to blow it out his rear end, got my purse and walked. That's not weakness...it's standing up for yourself.

Just my opinion.

 

[mof]

Everyone is replaceable...with that said, the best job you do while there is your legacy....you mattered!

 

[Lil]

Everyone is replaceable...with that said, the best job you do while there is your legacy....you mattered!

I'm a cog in the wheel. Hopefully I'm a helpful cog. I'm sure I've helped some people which is what makes my job worth doing. But, I'm sure there are others that view me as the poster child for unfeeling government bureaucrats or man-hating be-otches. And ever other person I work with has exactly the same effect on people.

My job, and how well I do my job, is not my legacy. If the people I touch in my life remember me as kind, thoughtful, loving and loyal, if they remember me as a good person, if I've made the world and the people I touch a little happier or better, if people remember me with love, that is my legacy. Some of those people may come to know me through work, but if I don't work, there will be others.

 

[mof]

A job is just something we do...some get lucky and feel they make a difference. I got to do that once.

The people you touch at work, your right, you will never know how you might affect them. We are all apart of something bigger.

Your attitude is applaudable!

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you Lil and thank you everybody. Lil. I actually agree with every single syllable. And I realize now that this is very reason I am in this job. At first I defined it as money. Now I am defining it as self.

YOU have ALL the power here. Copa, this is a job...not your life. After you leave, they'll hire someone else. I've been in the same job TWENTY TWO years!

I believe in the dignity and the right to humanity of every single person. I am working in an environment that respects neither. But it is not my right to judge any other person; and two I am not responsible for either the institution or the other people in it. They control what they do.

All I can do is the best I can do, given my limitations and my choices. Which I do. I respect myself. I cannot ensure that one other person respects me, but I can demand that they treat me with respect, or I leave. Which I decided to do, the next time that anybody tries to bully me. I held my ground with this young man. The next time, I leave.

And then I read your validation and I know I am right:

It is NOT weak to stand up and say, "Treat me like a professional, with courtesy, or I walk." It is NOT weak to demand to be treated with respect. It is NOT weak to refuse to be bullied.

When I got in the car M said you should have told him: I pay my malpractice. I determine my choices in how to treat a patient. And let the chips fall where they may. You see, I am a gun for hire. They cannot control how I use my gun. I will remember that. When I was a little girl there was a show called, "Have Gun Will Travel." Palladin was his name. I am Palladin. All I need to do is go to another town. Like he did. I will go to work tomorrow and I will be Palladin.

And I figured out: I only need to work 3 to 4 more weeks to meet my short-term goal. But if I need to leave in 2 weeks, I will.

after that last incident, unless I was desperate for money, I'd have told the young bully boss to blow it out his rear end, got my purse and walked. That's not weakness...it's standing up for yourself.

I agree. I will.

Thank you, Lil.

 

[New Leaf]

Go Copa, ahem I mean Paladin........
Have Gun Will Travel Theme Song
There will be no lynching here..........your "gun" is your brilliant mind and vast experience, show them young whippersnappers.......

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

If the people I touch in my life remember me as kind, thoughtful, loving and loyal, if they remember me as a good person, if I've made the world and the people I touch a little happier or better

Lil, I admire you. You have been a good friend to me.

You know I have been all mixed up in my life for a time. When I was a young woman I believed that if I achieved a profession I would be happy. And then I achieved my goals and I was not.

Little by little I did things that indeed made me happy. Adopt my son was one. Leaving the country gave me moments of happiness. My tango gave me a great deal of happiness. And later Art. And studying what I loved; like Borges. And in time, M. To have somebody in my corner who I trusted; to care if he could be happy, as much as it mattered that I be happy.

At the end of the day, my profession gives me something very important. A way to make a good living. And a way to find meaning. Sometimes. There are moments in my work when I am even happy. But I understand that this is a blessing and a gift.

A job is just something we do...some get lucky and feel they make a difference.

I have been that person. I am truly blessed. If it ends now, it will have been enough.

 

[Albatross]

Hello, Copa. Wanted to let you know I am reading along.

The conversation seems to have turned to vocation vs. job vs. happiness, so I will just quickly add that I think it is truly one of life's greatest blessings to find meaningful work. I feel very bad for so many of our Difficult Child's, that they have an aversion to work. They could be really missing out on something.

I would swear that my husband must have known what he wanted to do with his life when he was a fetus (he says since the 3rd grade). Even after 40 years of practice, even the clients that are the biggest pains in the @$$, when the phone rings he bounds up the stairs. He loves what he does. He always has.

BUT...before he had his own practice the downsides very much outweighed the positives. He wanted to quit the profession, not just the firm. Fortunately he found a way to rekindle his passion.

I see a lot of that conflict here, Copa. I am sure you will agree that you are an EXTREMELY conscientious person. You don't do anything without doing it well and pushing yourself to give your very best. It sounds like maybe where you are, is not the best environment for that kind of idealism. Some of the people you work with seem like real burnouts, for lack of a better term.

I think your idea of setting a short-term goal, like working for a few more weeks, is a good compromise. I think there is definitely a way to make your vocation something that energizes you again, rather than stresses you to the point that it bleeds into other areas of your life. However you work that out, I think they will be very lucky to have you.

 

[Copabanana]

Even after 40 years of practice, even the clients that are the biggest pains in the @$$, when the phone rings he bounds up the stairs. He loves what he does. He always has.

I am pleased for your husband (and you) that your husband has this, Albatross.

You don't do anything without doing it well and pushing yourself to give your very best.

Thank you, Albatross. You know, I was not always this way. I was lackluster. And borderline lazy.

That is one reason I have hope that our kids will change. Because I did. From a very average person to one who has pride in herself--in most things. I believe in high goals. (Which is reason to leave the job where I am.)

With that I will shift the conversation back to my son. Today he seemed to look in earnest for treatment. I know he did because I got a call from my old insurance company where he mistakenly called. He eventually got linked up to the correct insurance and has a list of residential treatment programs and therapists here in my town.

He says he will have a plan plus backup plans by Wednesday. (I had said the end of the week.)

One thing that surprised me was that he remembered a religiously-oriented program that two years ago I had so much wanted him to go to. And he brought it up as a possibility. I am Jewish and he is not. The program is run by a Rabbi and it is spiritually based. I would absolutely be thrilled if he would go to this program. Because it is transformational. They will accept anybody (they say), with whatever problem, of any faith.

My son has always mocked faith. I have always believed that he doth protest too much. I think he has the heart and mind to be deeply religious and spiritual. I will have to let go of how much I would want this. For me, and for him.

Because I believe what our kids lack is not just recovery from illness, or drugs, but a way to be in the world that is meaningful for them and for others.