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My son is in a crisis unit. Voluntarily, I think.
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 694766" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Before I answer or respond to anything, YOU are a GOOD mom! You've gone over and above for your son. There's no way you are anything BUT a good mom. I agree with SWOT when she said: </p><p></p><p></p><p>I think it IS at least in part a cultural thing. In most Latin countries, people still live in multi-generational households and mama's baby their boys. But none of that changes the fact that he is 27 years old and still doing stupid things like having a tantrum and putting a fist (or foot or hammer or whatever) through a wall. Grown men don't behave like that without it being an EXTREME situation. I'm rather sure nothing earth shaking happened to bring that on. What can you do other than make him repair it? He's too old to punish. You can't fire him...you don't pay him. Of course you were upset! </p><p></p><p>That said, </p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep...you went too far. So? Are you human? People make mistakes. God knows I've picked and picked at my kid. Jabber has saved me from saying things I couldn't take back. The big difference between you and me is YOURS actually tried to calm you down. Mine just starts screaming back at me until it's a HUGE fight. But it happened, it's done. </p><p></p><p>And a grown man should not be so upset about his mother's behavior that he has to be admitted. About his OWN, maybe. HE was the one that couldn't control his temper, but instead of him saying, "I keep screwing up and I keep losing my temper and I have to learn to control it." it's "I messed up and my mom's mad at me and I'm afraid she'll kick me out." His emphasis is still wrong. He's better, no doubt, but wrong. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When I read this...I turned it around. Replace M with "Mom"...I wonder if that's exactly how our kids feel? <em>Mom (or Dad) pushes me to do more than I can tolerate, to accept more responsibility than I feel I can stand. I want to do it, but I am pushed beyond my limits. I cannot stand the stress.</em> Just thinking "out loud", but it seems very likely doesn't it? That the things WE expect...though reasonable to us and even necessary in society...seem too much to them. Like we're putting on pressure they can't tolerate. Of course, what we expect - get a job and be decent people - is minor in comparison. But I wonder if the underlying feelings society's expectations cause in them is just like this? </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Of course you aren't going to push him away. But no way out? I find this to be disturbing. First...is it REALLY that bad, what he did? Is this REALLY about that? Yes...he needs to learn control. I want to make it clear that HE needs to take responsibility for it and HE needs to do better. But putting a hole in a wall is not injuring a person or animal. He didn't destroy anything that can't be fixed. Even better, he fessed up. He came home and told you both. He didn't wait for M to find it and then lie about it. He was up front and confessed. This is admirable. YES, he needs to learn better behavior, but drywall (especially in a house already under construction) can be fixed. Make him pay for the repair - if M is going to do it then at least the market value of having someone come do it or the cost of materials. Or, he's learning to fix houses, make him do it himself! </p><p></p><p>But enough about your son...time to concentrate on YOU. Because that "no way out" statement is no way to live. So that's why I ask: is it really just this drywall incident that causes you to feel this way? I don't think so. It sounds to me like a combination. </p><p></p><p>If you feel that having him with you is too much for you...then THAT is something that needs dealt with.</p><p></p><p>But it seems like HE is only one part of the puzzle. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Copa, You haven't worked in quite a while. You took a job that is demanding and stressful, 40 minutes from home, and you've had problems with the management and other employees there from day 1. </p><p></p><p>Have you gone jogging lately? If you're like me, you're not a runner unless something is chasing you. </p><p></p><p>How about you and I do the Boston Marathon? </p><p></p><p>Because that's what you've done. You've gone from walking around the block once a day to running an endurance race. If you quit that after the first 2 miles, do you think there would be shame in that? Would that make you feel like a failure? There is NO SHAME in taking care of yourself and admitting maybe you bit off more than you can chew. </p><p></p><p>Honey, your son sees a counselor...do you? You are under so much stress...can you find someone to listen and advise you that isn't M? Because even though he loves you, there are things I don't think M understands. You need to NOT feel trapped. It's a terrible thing, to think you have no choices.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 694766, member: 17309"] Before I answer or respond to anything, YOU are a GOOD mom! You've gone over and above for your son. There's no way you are anything BUT a good mom. I agree with SWOT when she said: I think it IS at least in part a cultural thing. In most Latin countries, people still live in multi-generational households and mama's baby their boys. But none of that changes the fact that he is 27 years old and still doing stupid things like having a tantrum and putting a fist (or foot or hammer or whatever) through a wall. Grown men don't behave like that without it being an EXTREME situation. I'm rather sure nothing earth shaking happened to bring that on. What can you do other than make him repair it? He's too old to punish. You can't fire him...you don't pay him. Of course you were upset! That said, Yep...you went too far. So? Are you human? People make mistakes. God knows I've picked and picked at my kid. Jabber has saved me from saying things I couldn't take back. The big difference between you and me is YOURS actually tried to calm you down. Mine just starts screaming back at me until it's a HUGE fight. But it happened, it's done. And a grown man should not be so upset about his mother's behavior that he has to be admitted. About his OWN, maybe. HE was the one that couldn't control his temper, but instead of him saying, "I keep screwing up and I keep losing my temper and I have to learn to control it." it's "I messed up and my mom's mad at me and I'm afraid she'll kick me out." His emphasis is still wrong. He's better, no doubt, but wrong. When I read this...I turned it around. Replace M with "Mom"...I wonder if that's exactly how our kids feel? [I]Mom (or Dad) pushes me to do more than I can tolerate, to accept more responsibility than I feel I can stand. I want to do it, but I am pushed beyond my limits. I cannot stand the stress.[/I] Just thinking "out loud", but it seems very likely doesn't it? That the things WE expect...though reasonable to us and even necessary in society...seem too much to them. Like we're putting on pressure they can't tolerate. Of course, what we expect - get a job and be decent people - is minor in comparison. But I wonder if the underlying feelings society's expectations cause in them is just like this? Of course you aren't going to push him away. But no way out? I find this to be disturbing. First...is it REALLY that bad, what he did? Is this REALLY about that? Yes...he needs to learn control. I want to make it clear that HE needs to take responsibility for it and HE needs to do better. But putting a hole in a wall is not injuring a person or animal. He didn't destroy anything that can't be fixed. Even better, he fessed up. He came home and told you both. He didn't wait for M to find it and then lie about it. He was up front and confessed. This is admirable. YES, he needs to learn better behavior, but drywall (especially in a house already under construction) can be fixed. Make him pay for the repair - if M is going to do it then at least the market value of having someone come do it or the cost of materials. Or, he's learning to fix houses, make him do it himself! But enough about your son...time to concentrate on YOU. Because that "no way out" statement is no way to live. So that's why I ask: is it really just this drywall incident that causes you to feel this way? I don't think so. It sounds to me like a combination. If you feel that having him with you is too much for you...then THAT is something that needs dealt with. But it seems like HE is only one part of the puzzle. Copa, You haven't worked in quite a while. You took a job that is demanding and stressful, 40 minutes from home, and you've had problems with the management and other employees there from day 1. Have you gone jogging lately? If you're like me, you're not a runner unless something is chasing you. How about you and I do the Boston Marathon? Because that's what you've done. You've gone from walking around the block once a day to running an endurance race. If you quit that after the first 2 miles, do you think there would be shame in that? Would that make you feel like a failure? There is NO SHAME in taking care of yourself and admitting maybe you bit off more than you can chew. Honey, your son sees a counselor...do you? You are under so much stress...can you find someone to listen and advise you that isn't M? Because even though he loves you, there are things I don't think M understands. You need to NOT feel trapped. It's a terrible thing, to think you have no choices. [/QUOTE]
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My son is in a crisis unit. Voluntarily, I think.
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