My son is in the hospital

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Aug 19, 2011.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Guest

    I posted last over a year ago, when my son(now 24) was asked to leave his university for heavy drinking and bizarre behavior. Since then, the drinking, depression, and inapproriate behavior has continued. He has good weeks and bad weeks, but the drinking has accellerated. He is taking Wellbutrin, which has helped him more than any other antidepressant, but he continues to drink despite the warning he was given not to drink with this medication. Two weeks ago, he chose to leave rather than seek help for his alcoholism. I was absolutely devastated, but I knew that we had to do this, even though it was very difficult.

    Well, he was back two days later, and agreed to enter oupatieint rehab. He had an evaluation but did not follow through in starting the program. We had another altercation about his drinking (impaired again) and we told him inpatient rehab or leave. He agreed to go if i would buy him a pack of cigarettes (that was easy!) Called the in network rehab. Intake advisor stated he did not meet criteria for insurance coverage as there was no documented history of blackouts, DUI's or other legal trouble, and has not yet been to outpatient rehab.

    Yesterday we came home to find him under the influence. He was very agitated and irrational and was yelling at his father, accusing him of not following through on some promise that he had allegedly made. He is now in the hospital in the detox unit. Blood Alchohol level 243, was told this is three times the legal limit. Spoke to psychiatric doctor and social worker. They are going to work on justifying his admission to the inpatient rehab.

    Outpatient rehab will be a waste of time and money for him. I know he will be late, and miss days, and drink on the sly. His friends will be around. He can't stand my husband (his father) and clashes with him frequently. My husband and I are TIRED of this. I can't believe I've gotten to the state that I'm in...I am calm and collected and just a little bit teary sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I was a basket case, but now i am calm, cool, and collected. I guess i've learned to detach.

    If anyone has any experience with admission to inpatient rehab, I would like to hear about it.
  2. SingleADHDparent

    SingleADHDparent New Member

    I wish I had some advice for you. However, my only experience with inpatient rehab is through my work as a paralegal and all of the clients we get admitted are in trouble with the law over their addiction. We had similar trouble with my brother and ended up having to wait until he hit rock bottom and decided to stop drinking with the help of AA and the wonderful support he was able to find through friends that were already in recovery.

    I hope the best for you and your family. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a pm I have seen my brother go through it all and even attended the AA meeting at which he earned his 1 year coin. He currently has 18 1/2 months sobriety and so does his girlfriend.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't, but had experience with a drug abusing/alcohol abusing child (who is now clean). From her, I got the words of wisdome: "Nobody will ever quit until the person wants to." If your son truly is motivated to quit, he could get good results, but if he's not ready it won't work, especially if he still hangs around with his drinking buddies. I hope it's his time to quit and that he really wants to do it! If he wants to quit, Outpatient should be good enough. When my daughter was ready she didn't tell anybody...she just did rehab, no therapy, nothing. Just determination (she even quit cigarettes). She was nineteen when she quit (she had used since twelve). She is now twenty-seven and still clean. I think AA is another really good program, although she never went to AA or NA.

    Hugs and keep us posted!
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Has he ever been inpatient? We had easy child/difficult child inpatient at three facilities in his teens. He did learn some things there which resulted in him avoiding certain drugs but he is no longer a teen and is an alcoholic who refueses to "do" inpatient or outpatient. I don't want to sound negative. If he has never been exposed to inpatient it could have a postive impact. on the other hand, as totally sad as it is, most alcoholics have to want help before help is of any benefit. Fingers crossed that your son may benefit if you can get him into a facility. Because he is an adult...the choice is his. Sending very sincere supportive thoughts and prayers your way. Having an adult alcoholic in your life absolutely messes with the whole family. DDD
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Many hugs. My gfgbro went to an inpatient rehab. It was truly a wonderful experience but he is the very rare person who only does rehab once and it sticks for a long time. It is part of his personality - he does NOTHING partway. It is 130% or nothing at all. This is NOT NOT NOT the normal experience. He did spend 2 weeks in jail before my parents sent him to rehab.

    My advice? Turn him loose. Let him know that you love him enough to stop helping him kill himself slowly with alcohol. That if and when he is ready to truly commit to rehab and really WORK for a sober life, then you will do what you can to help. Do NOT pay for his rehab until he has proven that he wants to get clean and stay clean by going to AA meetings and getting a sponsor. You do not need rehab to kick alcohol. Millions do it with-o that. Rehab DOES help and IS a good thing if you can afford it. I am NOT NOT NOT saying rehab is bad or that it is not worthwhile. I truly believe exactly the opposite of that. BUT you son can show you he is committed to getting sober and staying sober by first going to meetings for a couple of weeks and really working the program.

    Without some concrete signs that he was working on his sobriety - AA meetings, changing his friends, changing his activities, I would not give him anything else and would not allow him on any property I own. If I owned a car that he used, it would be back on my property and would be disabled and the parts locked up so that he could not use it. I would likely give him a list of shelters and maybe a super cheap pay as you go phone with a few minutes so that he can call you when he is making the efforts and is ready for rehab.

    If he is on a phone plan in your name, take the phone. If he is on one in his name - it is his to pay.

    Until he hits bottom he is NEVER going to get sober. bottom for him will be far far lower than anything you can comprehend. YOU and your spouse NEED alanon meetings just like difficult child needs aa. GO TO THEM. At least several a week at first. Try different times and places to see where the best fit is for you.

    I am so sorry that you have to face all of this.
  6. in a daze

    in a daze Guest

    Thanks everyone for your replies.

    We went to the hospital today, had family meeting with social worker. Plan is to go to inpatient rehab; social worker is working on this. difficult child says he is willing to go to rehab but is not willing to swear off alcohol for the rest of his life.

    We feel he needs the intensive therapy not only for the alcohol abuse but to work on his psychological issues, to get his depression and anxiety under control. The continual arguments between him and his dad are very draining. Social worker recommended therapy for both of them so that they can work out their issues.

    It's just so frustrating because he says he will resume drinking when the 28 or so days are up. He says he plans to be a controlled social drinker and will stop the drinking alone in his room. We're very sceptical. He was offered a medication to reduce the craving for alcohol but refused it stating he has no cravings.

    I just hope he can get into the inpatient rehab not only for the above reasons but I think he needs to get out of the home environment.
  7. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Sorry to be the bearer of bad and unwanted news - being an alcoholic and a "controlled social drinker" simply don't mix. I hope you are not paying for inpatient treatment [rehab?] out of your own pocket, as it is a waste of your and if you are not paying for it, tax payers moneys, if he is just "biding his time"... He is obviously not ready and is just playing along, and you are continuing to enable him.
  8. AHF

    AHF Member

    I have lots of experience with my 21-year-old, mostly for psychiatric admissions. PM me if you want some details. GL!
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    24.3 is a very high blood level. A person who has that blood level and is not passed out is likely a chronic alcoholic. I hope that your son will want to work the program. It's difficult to succeed if the desire is there, it's impossible to succeed if it is not.

    If cigarettes is what keeps him in, buy him a carton and have the desk hand them out to him. As addicted as he is to alcohol, he is that much more addicted to cigarettes. He'll never be able to give them both up. You've done the right thing to make him leave your home under the circumstances.
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Gentle hugs.

    The sad fact is... You can help all you want... But it HAS to be HIS decision, and HE has to stick to it.

    Social drinking + alcoholism = recipe for disaster as someone else said.
  11. If he acknowledge that he has a problem, inpatient rehab will work. If he don't it would very likely be a waste of money.
  12. done_dad

    done_dad Guest

    I'm sorry you're in such a terrible situation with your son. My experience with my daughter is that if we're (my wife and I) more invested and busier in her recovery than she is, it's not going to work. It's not something we can do for her, much as we'd like it to be. The counterintuitive thing is, the more you try to help them, the less you are actually helping them. They'll only want to change when they hit bottom. Preventing them from getting there is only prolonging the misery for everybody.
  13. Bean

    Bean Member

    Unless you want to work the program, the program won't work. If he wants to go and stay clean, then great. If it is a punishment or consequence, and he doesn't buy into it, it probably will be a waste of time.

    Although, if someone has been using long enough, it seems they usually go through some kind of tx at least once or twice before really submitting to it and working the program. I don't know if it is a "waste" of time, because you always learn something and it might be something to put in his back pocket for future use.

    And ditto on What Susiestar said.
  14. in a daze

    in a daze Guest

    Brought him to the inpatient rehab yesterday. Inpatient treatment is kind of a crapshoot as you all have mentioned, especially since his motivation to permanently stop drinking is suspect. However spoke to the intake counselor and it will be billed out as outpatient leaving us to pick up 64.00/day room and board IF the insurance will not pay for the whole thing. We can do this financially. He will get the same program as regular inpatient if they need to bill this way. Outpatient just won't work. He'll be late, he'll blow off days, and the constant arguments between him and his dad are very draining. And there's always the friends around to tempt him. Whether he comes home or goes to a sober house is up in the air...I am leaning towards the sober house.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This was the case with my brother... lost count of how many rounds he had over a 10 year span.
    But... by the time he want through what ended up being his final round... enough stuff had "stuck" in his brain that he was ready for the "real kick at the can"... and came out sober.
    Turned out he wasn't a true alcoholic - there were a raft of undealt-with issues from the past that he was hiding from.
    Major therapy when in residential cracked that inner shell, and in resolving some of the issues, solved both the depression and the alcoholism.
    He consumes small amounts of alcohol on a regular basis - and per his wife, its NEVER more than that.
    (He went on from that point to get two university degrees)
  16. keista

    keista New Member

    in my opinion and experience, this is more often the case, than not. I have personally never seen a case of addiction WITHOUT underlying issues.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Keista, I agree with you that most addicts have underlying problems that they are medicating. There may be a few out there that dont. I dont know...there is always the one or two percent who go against the norm.

    However, if someone point blank says "I will only go into this place for my 30 days and then drink/use when I get out no matter what" I dont know if I would put much stock in thinking the rehab is going to help them in 30 days. They are probably going to be very resistant for those first 30 days! I really think rehab needs to be much longer. It takes much longer to change this sort of problem. After all, it takes at least 3 weeks to change any sort of habit, even biting your nails, an addiction must take much longer because it involves so many more layers.