Dearest fellow warriors SeaGenie and La Mesa.
How brave the two of you are. How absolutely, incredibly brave.
New Leaf has given some of the best advice - reading her posts helps me cope and get a grip on my enabling.
I am humbled SeaGenie, but you must know that I have been through this for years, it took years of the revolving door for me to see my mistakes, process the guilt, find my way. Each of us travels a path unique to our own circumstances. You must know that from reading your posts and seeing what you are going through, I am reviewing my own path. I am still struggling with the enormity of the loss. But, I am learning to put it in the background, and look at it from a different perspective.
This I did not do on my own. I have learned so much from everyone here on this board, including you SeaGenie.
And that is the beauty of CD, this soft place for battle worn parents.
I cannot say that I have reached the point I need to be at.
Because it has not been tested, yet.
I bolster my resolve by coming here often, reading and posting, garnering courage and strength from all of the warriors here.
Each and every one with a different circumstance.
Their own unique response.
Detachment has worked thus far, for me.
But it has yet to be
tested.
My two, have gone to never, never land for the past two months. They have not contacted me, I have not contacted them.
It is a certain peace, but I do have to rely on G-d to hold that peace.
To not allow the crazy, rambling, awfulizing to shape my life.
Yes, I gave them to G-d, but I am still here, visiting and posting, to keep my resolve, to try to find the meaning of it all, to know what others are facing, to try to offer from my experience, a perspective.
There is no right or wrong to this.
It is a collective wisdom, here. It is not me SeaGenie, it is US. All of us.
I won't contact him anymore. He knows exactly how I feel, that I love him and worry. He has zero respect for me so I've had my big cry, sat and grieved an entire day just staring at the wall wailing over the loss of my son but now I have to be strong and do things for me so my health and sanity doesn't take a nosedive.
Yes SeaGenie, you do need to do things for you.
But it is okay to cry over your son.
It is a grieving this thing we do, the loss is incredibly painful and crippling.
But they have
not died.
Our vision of them, our wish for them our dream for them to live good productive lives has been put on hold,
for now.
But they have not died.
The endless possibilities they can achieve is still there.
We agonize over that, yearn for that, tell them of that until the point of irritation for us and them.
In the end all,
they have to figure that out for themselves.
For some, limited contact works, for me, for now, it doesn't.
And who knows? Down the road, I may pick up the phone.
I am still not sure.
Because from the insanity of it all, my going down the drain with it, is unacceptable.
Dear friends, it was 11 long years of this, that took me to grasp it.
This concept of loving detachment.
This time after two months, I am able through this site, to do some extensive evaluating and reevaluating of my patterning and responses.
But I still have much work to do.
It has not been
tested.
I have yet to receive that call, "Can I come home?"
So, I thank you very much for your kind words.
But in writing to you, I am still exploring my own path. I am receiving knowledge and understanding from everyone here.
I have no family support so it's incredibly hard - I've reached out to my church for help so I hope I can find people to trust within the church. Problem is my trust level is zip.
Trust is a hard thing, There are so many folks out there who might take the truths of our lives, and in their own non-experience, misunderstanding, misjudge us. It is good to have friends who understand.
I have received great comfort sharing and reading and writing here.
That is the beginning.
I've lost so many people and been betrayed by people I reached out to for help, now my own son has betrayed me - I feel defeated.
The reality of this SeaGenie, is that he has betrayed himself.
He has taken a crazy, roller coaster, twisty turny, giant step away from your teachings.
He is off, trying to find himself.
He has made a giant mis-step with addiction.
He does not see this as betraying you, or himself.
Try not to feel defeated, SeaGenie,
the root of that is the guilt
that you somehow have a cause in this.
You do not.
It is him choosing.
Defeated is the empty.
The empty needs to be filled with something.
And you will find that.
Because you have made huge strides, since you first came here.
You and La Mesa.
I've lost everyone I've loved - it's tough. Only thing I have is my faith right now (and New Leaf's word's of wisdom!).
You have been through incredibly, hard, sad times SeaGenie, but you are strong, and so present.
I am so glad you have your faith, it is a blessing.
Goodness, I am blushing. Thank you SeaGenie, but my words are built upon faith, and what I have learned from so many others here.
I was reading your thread as you were writing this! Thank you. I too have been through this before but each time he is out there again, choosing that life, I find myself having to start over in my recovery again.
Yes La Mesa, it is a starting over. One step forward, two steps back. In this, you are learning how to re-strengthen yourself, to rebuild yourself, to look at it for what it is with a new vision.
The not knowing how he will survive is so difficult. I too have reached out to my church but people don't like to talk about this issue and most people hide their heads in the sand trying to ignore it.
Yes, the not knowing is difficult. We begin to envision all sorts of horrible things.It begets a hollowness. We reach out, but folks who do not know this pain, do not know how to respond to it. If they do not know us well, they may think-
"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree"
as if in our parenting, we failed
and somehow caused this.
I say, to the "Apple doesn't fall far from the tree"
"Ah, but the tree is on a hill"
The Bible is full of scripture admonishing children to respect and love their parents. For a good reason. Children have been forging their own paths and going down wrong ones since the dawn of time.
There is also the story of the prodigal son. Who left his home and journeyed for many years and finally returned to the loving embrace of his father.
This is a story for us to learn from, for ourselves and also the hope that is held out for our Adult children.
I do have my group of "concerned others" where I continue to learn new tools of coping with the roller coaster we parents of addicts seem to be on.
Good, La Mesa. Even if it is a small group, it is good to have people there for you.
Faith is a powerful thing we all can work on. Thank you for sharing.
Faith is definitely powerful, thank you for that La Mesa. You help me in the writing of it.
I so appreciate everyone's wisdom here. It gives me strength. I pray for everyone here. May God grant us wisdom in our struggles. HUGS!
Thank you La Mesa and SeaGenie, in your hour of need, you reach out to others to be a source of comfort. You are strong and wonderful. We can all do this. We are not alone.
(((HUGS)))