My Son the addict

Not very good. I have been trying so hard to focus on my needs. I fail. I did finally get back to my group and so felt relief but my son has been home and it's been hard because my Husband continues to think he can fix him. I am not on the same page. I saw him trying for the last month. But not seeking the things he needs in his recovery. Tonight, he went to get groceries and my husband gave him money. Right? That was 4 and he has my husbands car. We continue to struggle. I pray I can make it to my meeting next week. Please pray for us!
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
Oh dear La Mesa I am sending you good thoughts that you make it to your next meeting. It may take some time for you and your husband to get on the same page. Perhaps he needs to do this for now until he realizes he cannot fix him. He is not as far as you are, he may need time to get there. It is so hard for us parents to finally realize it is their battle and we can't do it for them.
 
I didn't cause it, I can't control it , I can't cure it. Hardest words for me to hold. The roller coaster ended today with him leaving on a journey I know nothing about. Walked out without saying a word. So sad.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
La Mesa Mom,

It may be for the best. He is the only one who can do this. Sometimes I think it is better to not know.

He keeps re-connecting. You will know whether you like it or not, how he is doing.

Your focus now is on you.

My son has walked out without a word, so many times. And hung up the phone on me. More times than I can count. I am almost surprised now when he says goodbye.

When you think about it, what is there to say?

They have to do it. Not you. Not me.

My heart goes out to you. I know the pain. The fear. And emptiness. '

He will be in touch. Sooner than you think.

Sometimes when there are no words left it is a good thing. It is truer than all the manipulation and denial that went before.

Remember. You are his mother. You are always his parents. He knows you love him. He knows everything.

He needs to do this himself. He is a man now.
 
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You are so right. I wish my family was on the same page. You are part of what gives me strength right now. Going to my class which helps but I struggle with the me... I am learning. Trying to find ways to help the family in doing the same. Tonight is back to square one though.... Always back to that when he leaves. Prayers and love to you my friend!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
La Mesa Mom,

Stay with us here. If you can, post on other threads. It is the over and over again posting that makes a difference. When you write to another parent, you are as much or more writing to yourself and imprinting that knowing into your brain. I know that time often does not permit, but if you can, give yourself that.

Just be sure of this: we understand the pain of it. You are not alone.

COPA
 

SeaGenieTx

Active Member
New Leaf has given some of the best advice - reading her posts helps me cope and get a grip on my enabling. My son is out of my house and I had to really spend some time grieving, get it out of my system then snap out of it. I refuse to let my only child destroy me. I sacrificed my life for him, protected him, bailed him out of jail 3 times, rushed him to the ER after he and a friend got into a serious car wreck. .... he just will not learn. He is as intelligent as a box of rocks. I

If the "genius" at age 23 going on 24 can't grow up and make something of himself, he has to suffer the consequences, fend for himself, figure it out on his own. I can't save or rescue him or change his mind. It's all on him to change his ways. I've accepted the fact that things could end badly (he could end up in prison or dead). I have had to just turn it all over to a higher power so that I won't destroy my health and sanity. He will never move back in my house or live with me again.

I have no clue where my son is, he has gone to great lengths to make sure I can't track him down. The only way I can see if he is alive is to check his Instagram and see if the number of posts goes up. Once a week I check public jail inmate info and some of his friends on Facebook just in case they post a picture with him in it. The last photo I saw was one a friend of his posted and there was my son with a whipits can in his life, behind the wheel of his car, friend was in passenger seat. Both acting like clowns. Made me sick.

I won't contact him anymore. He knows exactly how I feel, that I love him and worry. He has zero respect for me so I've had my big cry, sat and grieved an entire day just staring at the wall wailing over the loss of my son but now I have to be strong and do things for me so my health and sanity doesn't take a nosedive. I have no family support so it's incredibly hard - I've reached out to my church for help so I hope I can find people to trust within the church. Problem is my trust level is zip. I've lost so many people and been betrayed by people I reached out to for help, now my own son has betrayed me - I feel defeated. I've lost everyone I've loved - it's tough. Only thing I have is my faith right now (and New Leaf's word's of wisdom!).
 
I was reading your thread as you were writing this! Thank you. I too have been through this before but each time he is out there again, choosing that life, I find myself having to start over in my recovery again. The not knowing how he will survive is so difficult. I too have reached out to my church but people don't like to talk about this issue and most people hide their heads in the sand trying to ignore it. I do have my group of "concerned others" where I continue to learn new tools of coping with the roller coaster we parents of addicts seem to be on. Faith is a powerful thing we all can work on. Thank you for sharing. I so appreciate everyone's wisdom here. It gives me strength. I pray for everyone here. May God grant us wisdom in our struggles. HUGS!
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Dearest fellow warriors SeaGenie and La Mesa.

How brave the two of you are. How absolutely, incredibly brave.
New Leaf has given some of the best advice - reading her posts helps me cope and get a grip on my enabling.
I am humbled SeaGenie, but you must know that I have been through this for years, it took years of the revolving door for me to see my mistakes, process the guilt, find my way. Each of us travels a path unique to our own circumstances. You must know that from reading your posts and seeing what you are going through, I am reviewing my own path. I am still struggling with the enormity of the loss. But, I am learning to put it in the background, and look at it from a different perspective.
This I did not do on my own. I have learned so much from everyone here on this board, including you SeaGenie.
And that is the beauty of CD, this soft place for battle worn parents.
I cannot say that I have reached the point I need to be at.
Because it has not been tested, yet.
I bolster my resolve by coming here often, reading and posting, garnering courage and strength from all of the warriors here.
Each and every one with a different circumstance.
Their own unique response.
Detachment has worked thus far, for me.
But it has yet to be tested.
My two, have gone to never, never land for the past two months. They have not contacted me, I have not contacted them.
It is a certain peace, but I do have to rely on G-d to hold that peace.
To not allow the crazy, rambling, awfulizing to shape my life.
Yes, I gave them to G-d, but I am still here, visiting and posting, to keep my resolve, to try to find the meaning of it all, to know what others are facing, to try to offer from my experience, a perspective.
There is no right or wrong to this.
It is a collective wisdom, here. It is not me SeaGenie, it is US. All of us.
I won't contact him anymore. He knows exactly how I feel, that I love him and worry. He has zero respect for me so I've had my big cry, sat and grieved an entire day just staring at the wall wailing over the loss of my son but now I have to be strong and do things for me so my health and sanity doesn't take a nosedive.
Yes SeaGenie, you do need to do things for you.
But it is okay to cry over your son.
It is a grieving this thing we do, the loss is incredibly painful and crippling.
But they have not died.
Our vision of them, our wish for them our dream for them to live good productive lives has been put on hold, for now.
But they have not died.
The endless possibilities they can achieve is still there.
We agonize over that, yearn for that, tell them of that until the point of irritation for us and them.
In the end all,
they have to figure that out for themselves.

For some, limited contact works, for me, for now, it doesn't.
And who knows? Down the road, I may pick up the phone.
I am still not sure.
Because from the insanity of it all, my going down the drain with it, is unacceptable.
Dear friends, it was 11 long years of this, that took me to grasp it.
This concept of loving detachment.

This time after two months, I am able through this site, to do some extensive evaluating and reevaluating of my patterning and responses.

But I still have much work to do.

It has not been tested.
I have yet to receive that call, "Can I come home?"

So, I thank you very much for your kind words.
But in writing to you, I am still exploring my own path. I am receiving knowledge and understanding from everyone here.

I have no family support so it's incredibly hard - I've reached out to my church for help so I hope I can find people to trust within the church. Problem is my trust level is zip.
Trust is a hard thing, There are so many folks out there who might take the truths of our lives, and in their own non-experience, misunderstanding, misjudge us. It is good to have friends who understand.
I have received great comfort sharing and reading and writing here.
That is the beginning.

I've lost so many people and been betrayed by people I reached out to for help, now my own son has betrayed me - I feel defeated.
The reality of this SeaGenie, is that he has betrayed himself.
He has taken a crazy, roller coaster, twisty turny, giant step away from your teachings.
He is off, trying to find himself.
He has made a giant mis-step with addiction.
He does not see this as betraying you, or himself.

Try not to feel defeated, SeaGenie,
the root of that is the guilt
that you somehow have a cause in this.
You do not.
It is him choosing.

Defeated is the empty.
The empty needs to be filled with something.
And you will find that.
Because you have made huge strides, since you first came here.
You and La Mesa.

I've lost everyone I've loved - it's tough. Only thing I have is my faith right now (and New Leaf's word's of wisdom!).
You have been through incredibly, hard, sad times SeaGenie, but you are strong, and so present.
I am so glad you have your faith, it is a blessing.
Goodness, I am blushing. Thank you SeaGenie, but my words are built upon faith, and what I have learned from so many others here.
I was reading your thread as you were writing this! Thank you. I too have been through this before but each time he is out there again, choosing that life, I find myself having to start over in my recovery again.
Yes La Mesa, it is a starting over. One step forward, two steps back. In this, you are learning how to re-strengthen yourself, to rebuild yourself, to look at it for what it is with a new vision.
The not knowing how he will survive is so difficult. I too have reached out to my church but people don't like to talk about this issue and most people hide their heads in the sand trying to ignore it.
Yes, the not knowing is difficult. We begin to envision all sorts of horrible things.It begets a hollowness. We reach out, but folks who do not know this pain, do not know how to respond to it. If they do not know us well, they may think-
"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree"
as if in our parenting, we failed
and somehow caused this.
I say, to the "Apple doesn't fall far from the tree"
"Ah, but the tree is on a hill"

The Bible is full of scripture admonishing children to respect and love their parents. For a good reason. Children have been forging their own paths and going down wrong ones since the dawn of time.

There is also the story of the prodigal son. Who left his home and journeyed for many years and finally returned to the loving embrace of his father.

This is a story for us to learn from, for ourselves and also the hope that is held out for our Adult children.

I do have my group of "concerned others" where I continue to learn new tools of coping with the roller coaster we parents of addicts seem to be on.
Good, La Mesa. Even if it is a small group, it is good to have people there for you.

Faith is a powerful thing we all can work on. Thank you for sharing.
Faith is definitely powerful, thank you for that La Mesa. You help me in the writing of it.

I so appreciate everyone's wisdom here. It gives me strength. I pray for everyone here. May God grant us wisdom in our struggles. HUGS!
Thank you La Mesa and SeaGenie, in your hour of need, you reach out to others to be a source of comfort. You are strong and wonderful. We can all do this. We are not alone.

(((HUGS)))
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I've accepted the fact that things could end badly (he could end up in prison or dead).
You may or may not know of the man, Anthony Bourdain. He was a chef in NYC who wrote a book called Kitchen Confidential. It catapulted him into the role as TV journalist where he travels the world searching out new food experiences. He has been on CNN the past two or three years.

Why is it relevant? In his early 20's he became a drug addict. Heroin and I do not know what else. He lived a degraded life.

He had come from a well to do New Jersey family. He had been well-raised, went to college.

His mother despaired. She has said in print that she feared he would go to prison or die and she did not know which was worse.

He is about 60 now. Handsome as can be. In a second marriage, a little girl about 8. Happy. Esteemed. Open about his life. Grateful.

So that poor Mom went through this alone. Think about it. 1972 or so. She went through it for over 20 years. Over 20 years. And then he changed.

People can change. Some do.

COPA
 

SeaGenieTx

Active Member
My former boss who was the Food & Bev Director of Harrahs Las Vegas told me he knew him when he was always "coked out and working back of the house"... I always watch his shows but never knew his personal story. Interesting!
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
We are learning much from one another, and the stories of those who successfully pulled through the turmoil.

Thank you Copa!

And yes Anthony B is handsome, savvy, world traveled, funny and smart.
Oh to have a job going about different countries tasting food, culture.
He is a tourist in the best way, seeing the sites through the guidance of the local folk.
What an example to hold up
for us to see
of one
lost in the throes
of addiction
to come through it
in such a way!
 
Thanks COPA. We always have hope. What is there if we don't? We help each other with something that is affecting so many and is given so little attention, even though it has been affecting lives for longer than we can imagine. Makes it hard to understand why this is not in the forefront of our society... Just sad that this disease is so little understood.

And thank you New Leaf! Your wisdom helps all of us. Both you, COPA and SeaGenie have brought things into perspective with your words. I thank you all and pray I can focus on a healthy me with you all in my thoughts.
 
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