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Substance Abuse
My Son the addict
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 667046" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>La Mesa Mom, I want to add my few words here, mainly to say "welcome," and to tell you how much support and wisdom you will find here.</p><p></p><p>I think your husband having lost his job may be trying to "save himself" through his focus on your son.</p><p></p><p>As others have pointed out, it is not likely to bear fruit. The solutions are in your son, for your son. In your husband, for himself.</p><p></p><p>The universe today has been conspiring to beat me up with this message. Nobody is coming to help me. I must help myself.</p><p></p><p>Whether you have or do not have "hope" for your son...will effect not one thing. If he does not want to give you "false hope" it probably means he does not have the intention of staying clean...this time. The hope that matters with respect to his recovery and changing is that which will come from your son, not you.</p><p></p><p>He can do it and he will do it. When he decides.</p><p></p><p>All of us know what you are going through as each of us has gone through our own version of it. Homeless kids. Homeless and neglected grandchildren. Drugs. Arrests or not. Mental illness. Violence at home. Emotional abuse. Ill children who do not take medication. Fear that they will die.</p><p></p><p>For us as parents, I am seeing it comes down to one thing. Accepting that the solutions will come from our children, for themselves. And getting out of their way. Accepting that they want our love and they want us to be there for them. When they are ready. Without conditions. </p><p></p><p>That does not mean we give them stuff or money. Or that we solve their problems or do one thing to get them out of scrapes that they have caused. They will try to equate love with each and every one of these enabling behaviors. They need us (and I believe they want us, underneath everything) to say no and to have boundaries. To not let them take advantage of us or to abuse us.</p><p></p><p>I went on and on more than I thought I would. However many times I repeat it it helps me. I do not why. Except maybe it helps me feel mastery over my experience of confusion, heartbreak and fear. I do believe that through the help of this board, I am coming out the other side.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 667046, member: 18958"] La Mesa Mom, I want to add my few words here, mainly to say "welcome," and to tell you how much support and wisdom you will find here. I think your husband having lost his job may be trying to "save himself" through his focus on your son. As others have pointed out, it is not likely to bear fruit. The solutions are in your son, for your son. In your husband, for himself. The universe today has been conspiring to beat me up with this message. Nobody is coming to help me. I must help myself. Whether you have or do not have "hope" for your son...will effect not one thing. If he does not want to give you "false hope" it probably means he does not have the intention of staying clean...this time. The hope that matters with respect to his recovery and changing is that which will come from your son, not you. He can do it and he will do it. When he decides. All of us know what you are going through as each of us has gone through our own version of it. Homeless kids. Homeless and neglected grandchildren. Drugs. Arrests or not. Mental illness. Violence at home. Emotional abuse. Ill children who do not take medication. Fear that they will die. For us as parents, I am seeing it comes down to one thing. Accepting that the solutions will come from our children, for themselves. And getting out of their way. Accepting that they want our love and they want us to be there for them. When they are ready. Without conditions. That does not mean we give them stuff or money. Or that we solve their problems or do one thing to get them out of scrapes that they have caused. They will try to equate love with each and every one of these enabling behaviors. They need us (and I believe they want us, underneath everything) to say no and to have boundaries. To not let them take advantage of us or to abuse us. I went on and on more than I thought I would. However many times I repeat it it helps me. I do not why. Except maybe it helps me feel mastery over my experience of confusion, heartbreak and fear. I do believe that through the help of this board, I am coming out the other side. [/QUOTE]
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