After many pity parties and feeling sorry for myself, and endless reading & commenting on this forum, today I got up, got dressed and went to church. I have not been to a service since my brother's funeral. I usually catch a Joel Osteen segment every now and then but that's about it. I sat in the back looking up at the amazingly beautiful stained glass. I felt out of place like everyone was looking at me sitting there all alone (an older man came up to me and said "Where you are sitting a man named Garrett usually sits, but he's not here today and you are much prettier". I said "Oh if he shows up I will move so he can have his spot, otherwise tell Garrett I'll do my best to "represent". Later this man walked by me and gave me a thumbs up. As I sat there, families came in, couples holding hands, some singles (who saw me alone and with a sigh of relief on their faces, came and sat near me). The organ music started ...and the choir - oh my, had to hold back tears. I kept thinking "Don't lose it... don't lose it". Church music will make you emotional. All Saints Day. Lord knows I have enough Saints in my family - all of them! All dead. Sounds morbid but if anyone should be able to communicate with the dead it should be me. My late husband, parents, grandparents and two big brothers - all up there in Sainthood being Saints. When it came time for communion I went up and kneeled, I asked God (and all my Saints) to protect my son and please turn him around. I mean, I've got 5 family members (and two grandparents) up there - can they not all come together and perform a miracle and exorcise the demons out of my son and make him "good" again? Lol. I put in my prayer request. My eyes welled up many times during the service. I kept telling myself how proud of myself I was for getting up and going to church - I almost backed out at least twice. I kept looking up at the cross and stained glass and thinking just how beautiful it was and how there has to be a higher power. The music and choir must have gotten to this one lady who was in tears and was escorted to the back of the church. She was just sobbing. Was her son on drugs? Did she lose her job? Did she recently lose a loved one and the service just moved her to tears. We all have our struggles I thought - she could have been me if I didn't already have my sob session yesterday. I just know I can not sit and let my son destroy me. I'm relying on my faith more than I ever have. It got me thru the loss of my husband, the death of my parents and death of my two siblings. Faith hsa to get me thru my son's drug addiction. Going this alone is so friggin tough.... I sat in church thinking to myself "Anyone who looks at me would never imagine the loss I have suffered and the challenge I face with a drug addicted son". I always have a positive outlook and a smile on my face - it's just my personality. I sat there thinking "Way to go, ME! - you are stronger than any of these people here and look at you smiling at others and singing with the choir." God will give me beauty for my ashes as long as I don't let loss and disappointment destroy me. I must stay strong. It's hard because I am alone - but hey, if I can survive all this crap and stay positive and strong - anyone can. I just have to put the past behind me and go forward and make the most of each day. As I got home I checked my mailbox and there is the book I ordered "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" so this afternoon I am pouring myself a glass of wine and probably will read the entire book. Then I will prepare mentally for the week to come and again, take it one day at a time. It's like bootcamp - taking it one day at a time, can't let the pressure kill me, gotta control my mind to survive.