My son's drug addiction will not destroy me.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SeaGenieTx, Nov 1, 2015.

  1. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    After many pity parties and feeling sorry for myself, and endless reading & commenting on this forum, today I got up, got dressed and went to church.

    I have not been to a service since my brother's funeral. I usually catch a Joel Osteen segment every now and then but that's about it.

    I sat in the back looking up at the amazingly beautiful stained glass. I felt out of place like everyone was looking at me sitting there all alone (an older man came up to me and said "Where you are sitting a man named Garrett usually sits, but he's not here today and you are much prettier". I said "Oh if he shows up I will move so he can have his spot, otherwise tell Garrett I'll do my best to "represent". Later this man walked by me and gave me a thumbs up.

    As I sat there, families came in, couples holding hands, some singles (who saw me alone and with a sigh of relief on their faces, came and sat near me). The organ music started ...and the choir - oh my, had to hold back tears. I kept thinking "Don't lose it... don't lose it". Church music will make you emotional.

    All Saints Day. Lord knows I have enough Saints in my family - all of them! All dead. Sounds morbid but if anyone should be able to communicate with the dead it should be me. My late husband, parents, grandparents and two big brothers - all up there in Sainthood being Saints. When it came time for communion I went up and kneeled, I asked God (and all my Saints) to protect my son and please turn him around. I mean, I've got 5 family members (and two grandparents) up there - can they not all come together and perform a miracle and exorcise the demons out of my son and make him "good" again? Lol. I put in my prayer request.

    My eyes welled up many times during the service. I kept telling myself how proud of myself I was for getting up and going to church - I almost backed out at least twice. I kept looking up at the cross and stained glass and thinking just how beautiful it was and how there has to be a higher power. The music and choir must have gotten to this one lady who was in tears and was escorted to the back of the church. She was just sobbing. Was her son on drugs? Did she lose her job? Did she recently lose a loved one and the service just moved her to tears. We all have our struggles I thought - she could have been me if I didn't already have my sob session yesterday.

    I just know I can not sit and let my son destroy me. I'm relying on my faith more than I ever have. It got me thru the loss of my husband, the death of my parents and death of my two siblings. Faith hsa to get me thru my son's drug addiction.

    Going this alone is so friggin tough.... I sat in church thinking to myself "Anyone who looks at me would never imagine the loss I have suffered and the challenge I face with a drug addicted son". I always have a positive outlook and a smile on my face - it's just my personality. I sat there thinking "Way to go, ME! - you are stronger than any of these people here and look at you smiling at others and singing with the choir."

    God will give me beauty for my ashes as long as I don't let loss and disappointment destroy me. I must stay strong. It's hard because I am alone - but hey, if I can survive all this crap and stay positive and strong - anyone can. I just have to put the past behind me and go forward and make the most of each day.

    As I got home I checked my mailbox and there is the book I ordered "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" so this afternoon I am pouring myself a glass of wine and probably will read the entire book. Then I will prepare mentally for the week to come and again, take it one day at a time. It's like bootcamp - taking it one day at a time, can't let the pressure kill me, gotta control my mind to survive.
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  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The destroying is not done by your son. It is within you.

    We have so many hopes for our children. For them and for us. How our love will be redeemed. You have had so many losses. As have had I.

    My love for my son was supposed to make it all right. When it didn't I felt it was the cruelest trick. How could it be that I had suffered so much, lost so much, missed so much--and this?

    I realized over time that my son's role was not to replenish or redeem or recompense anything about me. His life was his own. His mistakes. His errors and successes his both to define and to fix and to own. I learned this here.

    We are left with ourselves, as it should be. But we do not need to be alone or do this alone. Why not think of joining us at one of the FOO threads?

    My partner, M, is devout Catholic. His sister has been nagging me to go with him to church, to a seminar so that he will grieve, as did you. Let his feelings out. That took courage, SeaGenie.

    SeaGenie, Saltwater fishing. How great!!

    On a boat or pier or beach or what? I always wanted to do so. I grew up a half of a block from the Pacific. I loved to see the fishermen on the beach.

    Last edited: Nov 1, 2015
  3. La Mesa Mom

    La Mesa Mom Member

    So proud of you! I on the other hand couldn't do church today because I couldn't handle the questions about my son. See, they all know what I am struggling with. I missed my church today but thank both of you for being that voice for me today. I pray I can get back there and answer those questions about how he is doing etc. and not let this make me lose something I love. I am in the choir - makes me feel like I am part of the service and helps me feel like I am singing His praises.

    You both should come to California. I wish we could all walk on the beach and talk. That is the picture I will hold♥️
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  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    He is walking his own path. He is finding his way. That is the answer and that is the truth.

    Anybody with a spiritual sense will understand and honor that. It is not in the particulars. He is finding his way through the wilderness. There was a time there was honor in that. To me, there still is.

    People for ions and ions have rejected the conventional path to seek themselves. They have often used drugs to do so. Believe me, I do not endorse it, it is not my place. Nor am I trivializing the dangers and the fear.

    In your religion are there not Saints who have wandered and then returned? (Sorry, I do not know much about Catholicism.) They may not have used drugs, but I am sure their mothers were worried.

    Your son will find himself. On this road he is on he will encounter himself along the way. We must accept his way. There is nothing else to do. Think if it as a pilgrimage. (I hope you do not get mad at me. I do not mean disrespect.)

    Cedar talks about her kids doing everything the hard way. Why? I think they seek to learn what there is to learn about their lives and "life" and themselves fully and completely. Not second or third hand.
    There is a dignity and courage to that, I think.

    Nor should you lose this. This is self-denial and self-punishment. Stop it. Nothing about this is your fault. It is not your fault. You do not deserve to suffer or to deny yourself what you love.
    Go. Next Sunday. If there is a practice, go to that.

    La Mesa Mom, what else do you love to do? Besides the choir, and walking on the beach. I love that too.

    Did you read where I grew up right on the Pacific? I miss it, so. I will always miss it. My Mother who died two years ago grew up where I did, right on the sea. The last 50 years of her life she lived in the San Fernando Valley. She told me at the end of her life that in her dreams she was there by the sea. And when she woke up she felt displaced wondering, What am I doing here? She hated the cold. But she still yearned on some level to be back to the coast.

    La Mesa Mom, you are never, ever alone with this.

    Last edited: Nov 1, 2015
  5. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Amen! I'm very proud of you SeaGenie! And I 100% agree with you about not letting your sons addiction destroy you. You have taken a very important step toward healing and detachment. Having faith is so helpful during these times and it has helped me and my husband tremendously! I'll never forget the times I kneeled down to pray as tears dropped onto the leather bench I was leaning over.. Begging God to save my son from his addiction.. God is good and faithful! Never give up on your son but take care of yourself and detach. He will find his way.. keep praying. Let me know how it goes hon.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Yay SeaGenie....I remember getting to the point where I realized I had no control over whether my son ruined his life, but I was not going to let him ruin mine! That was the point where I really started paying attention to what was good for me.

    And La Mesa....if going to church is Important to you. I can't tell you how many times I went to church and cried the whole way through! For some reason during the week I could keep it together but for some reason being at church brought all my vulnerability to the surface....and people were supportive and caring and it was ok.
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  7. La Mesa Mom

    La Mesa Mom Member

    Thank you again, COPA. Feeling blessed to have people to talk to that understand. I am Orthodox and happy to have my faith. I will be back next Sunday, whatever comes my way. Yes too I am lucky to have the ocean close and would feel the same as your mom if I wasn't here.

    I understand he has to do this as much as I understand it is not about me, but my family does not. I so wish I could bestow that on them and pray they will one day understand. It makes it harder on me to deal with all of this and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your heartfelt words today. God bless you!
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  8. La Mesa Mom

    La Mesa Mom Member

    Thanks Toughlovin! Yes, I feel the same way. In awe of the goodness there and I cry too. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed with the spirit. Today was hard and I will move on. I can do this.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    SeaGenie, so proud of you!


    Keep up the good work. Just awesome, simply awesome.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Yes, come on over, there we are examining ourselves and our backgrounds, to get to a better stronger place.
    Yes indeed.

    I agree.
    That is a very different perspective. It cuts out the awfulizing, that is for sure.

    Yes La Mesa, go.

    We will be here rooting for you!
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Sea genie what a beautiful, hopeful, truthful post. I love what you wrote and what it means and how your faith is your stronghold. Keep at it...walk toward are a survivor and

    Your son has a great mom. I am praying that he turns and walks in a new direction.

    Grab onto your life with both hands. We only have one life here. Let's make it the best we
    Can make it every single day...regardless of what other people decide to do.

    You are an inspiration.
  12. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    Thanks for the beautiful and inspirational post SeaGenie and all the son's addiction has brought me to my knees as well..You sound strong even through the pain...
  13. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    What are FOO threads?
  14. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    The HARDEST thing in the world is to let someone go. My only son, my world, the love of my life, I have had to let go and just let him be. Today I finally sent a simple text to him "From time to time can you just please text me to let me know you are ok/alive?". He immediately texted back "I am alive and well". I replied "That is all I need to know" and left it at that. What a difference that made - I was able to concentrate at work and tell God "Please just keep him safe and turn him away from drugs".

    I've let go and detached more than I ever have and it's working. I think my son needed me to throw him out of the nest for good (not just push him then say "Oh I'm sorry, you ok? Come back if you need to"). He needed the "Get out and grow up" push. He is alive, he is not in jail. That is all I ask.

    I have my moments but I know I need to stay focused on me. I've neglected so much to raise and take care of him for the past 23 years. I have to grieve the loss but as time goes by I realize how bad I have neglected myself and my soul because my world has been centered around him.

    So, at age 53, I'm starting a new life. I'm totally alone but forcing myself to get out, go to church (which helps tremendously), get involved in some singles meet up groups for happy hours, etc. Exercising, eating right, getting back into my painting and modeling clay, enjoying my Netflix series (highly recommend Bloodline & Damages) and day by day I am realizing it's getting easier to be selfish and do things for me! Even at work I've changed and am putting the focus on me instead of catering to everyone else. In return, I'm getting respect.

    I am a giver - I love helping others but realized there is a huge difference in helping people who appreciate what you are doing and helping people who take advantage and suck the life out of you.

    It's not easy - I miss my son but I'm not centering my world around him anymore. HUGE step for me. That article on detaching - man, so true! You don't realize how sucked in you are until you start following those rules and actually detach. It's almost like detoxing.
  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Family of Origin- FOO.
  16. SadFlower

    SadFlower Member

    I am SO happy for you. You are taking care of yourself and you are doing all the right things to get through this situation. I'm jealous, lol.
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    That's wonderful SeaGenie. I am so happy for you. It is a small thing, but such a big thing, his texting back immediately. You are changing your response and so is he.

    Oftentimes in our mothering, we forget the necessity to refresh ourselves. I am so glad you see this. You are worth so much, you have value and your life to live.

    Not selfish to do things for you, it is self-fulfilling. We can not give from emptiness. It is important to take care of yourself, to cherish yourself in order to be your best you. That is different from being selfish, or self serving.

    Life is too darn short to be caught up in misery.
    I am so very glad for you SeaGenie, that you are finding ways to get your joy back.

    Keep reaching for the stars!

  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi SeaGenie, Just checking in to see how you are doing. I hope you had a wonderful week.
  19. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Hi New Leaf! Oh my gosh thank you so much for thinking of me. This week was extremely tough on me. I've held tight to my goals (detaching, focusing on myself, etc.) but it's been so hard.

    I have done the church thing, even went to a singles meetup group (but lord, those people all seem so desperate and depressed) - not my cup of tea. My biggest problem is finding support. Since I have no family (my son is it) and I only have one good friend I can call on (others have too many issues of their own) - it's hard dealing with the overthinking and loneliness. I miss my son and worry, feel so betrayed by his hatefulness and drug use... it's overwhelming at times but somehow I'm trying like heck to stay strong.

    This week a bombshell happened at work. My boss's boss got fired suddenly for unethical behavior. She was this young know it all who was horrible to work for so we are happy. Problem is my direct boss was close friends with her and was hired because they were buddies. So now I'm dealing with a boss who lost her safety net and fears for her job (she is unethical too and we hope she is next). So changes at work are happening and I'm worrying about my son and trying to deal with that. But, I'm ok. Just have my moments.

    I have no place to go for Thanksgiving since I have no family. My son - I'm not even expecting to hear from him, he is either back with his girlfriend or with his group of druggie friends. Unless I contact him he won't make any effort to contact me and frankly, I'm just fed up with everyone. I'm tired of reaching out to other people and no one bothers to see how I'm doing.

    So right now, I'm trying to stay detached and NOT worry about my son. Practicing the saying "Let go and let God" and trying to keep myself busy reading books, watching movies, exercising, staying positive.

    How are you doing Leafy? ((((HUGS)))) to you my friend. So grateful and thankful for your kind words and caring. God bless you. How are things with you? Got big plans for Thanksgiving?
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You could volunteer to help with Thanksgiving diner at a nursing home or seniors lodge, or at a shelter or kitchen. Just a thought...