My son's drug addiction will not destroy me.

[SeaGenieTx]

Thanks InsaneCdn I have actually thought about that... I'd love to help and just be around other people who have no families. I know I'm not the only turkey day orphan! Lol.

 

[New Leaf]

HI SeaGenie,

I have done the church thing, even went to a singles meetup group (but lord, those people all seem so desperate and depressed) - not my cup of tea. My biggest problem is finding support. Since I have no family (my son is it) and I only have one good friend I can call on (others have too many issues of their own) - it's hard dealing with the overthinking and loneliness. I miss my son and worry, feel so betrayed by his hatefulness and drug use... it's overwhelming at times but somehow I'm trying like heck to stay strong.

OMG, you are doing so well. Goodness the singles thing. It sounds kind of exciting... What if you took a course on painting, or found a photography club, or pursued other interests? Then perhaps you would be serving your creativity, and maybe find a friend or two more that shares your interests? Just a thought. I go to clay class and have struck up some friendships there.
Keep hanging in there sister, you are strong like heck.

This week a bombshell happened at work. My boss's boss got fired suddenly for unethical behavior. She was this young know it all who was horrible to work for so we are happy. Problem is my direct boss was close friends with her and was hired because they were buddies. So now I'm dealing with a boss who lost her safety net and fears for her job (she is unethical too and we hope she is next). So changes at work are happening and I'm worrying about my son and trying to deal with that. But, I'm ok. Just have my moments.

UGH. Work. Ethics. This stuff is everywhere. Having our own integrity helps, but what a mash up, when work has such turmoil, plus dealing with d cs, or not for that matter.

So right now, I'm trying to stay detached and NOT worry about my son. Practicing the saying "Let go and let God" and trying to keep myself busy reading books, watching movies, exercising, staying positive.

These are good things Sea, you are doing so well. I am very proud of you and how far you have come in such a short time.

How are you doing Leafy? ((((HUGS)))) to you my friend. So grateful and thankful for your kind words and caring. God bless you. How are things with you? Got big plans for Thanksgiving?

I am good, thank you, keeping busy, but also spending a lot of time here. It has become my night school of sorts, heh heh (and sometimes my day school). My hubs does not even want to talk about our two d cs, so that can be a challenge.
No big plans, just a small get together with my three. Hubs will be working, so we will eat late afternoon.

Sea, the holidays can be challenging for us. Do you have plans? Do you have a place to go? If not, have you thought of anything?
I think of you, knowing you have no family.
Holidays can be hard. What will you do?

(((HUGS))) dear, and God bless you too. You are so strong.

If you want, come on over and check out the threads under "Family's of Origin"
We are doing a lot of self discovery over there, by looking into our pasts.
It is very enlightening and there are some lovely fellow sister warriors with brilliant minds there.
They are very engaging and helpful.

(((HUGS))) again.
Thank you for checking in. I hope things at work settle down, and you are able to look into the possibility of art or craft classes or guilds.
This may be a way for you to get out there and discover new things about yourself, and while doing so, make some new friends with like interests and maybe even a good man or two without even trying!

Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

You could volunteer to help with Thanksgiving diner at a nursing home or seniors lodge, or at a shelter or kitchen. Just a thought...

What a good idea IC, you would be surrounded by people, Sea, and maybe even a really cute, volunteer, community service oriented man.....

 

[SeaGenieTx]

I would love to serve food at a shelter or seniors home - I think that is just what I need to do. I'm going to check with my church. I have to keep forcing myself to get out there and meet people - it's hard. My son is out having a good time, last I checked he got back with his girlfriend and was staying with her 2 hours from here. She lives with her mom and her mom drinks a lot and lets them smoke pot in the house and do whatever. She is the mom who let my son take her car so they could go somewhere and he got pulled over and ticketed for driving with suspended license, no insurance and drug paraphernalia in the car (this was a couple of months ago and was the last straw and cause of our last rift). He told me she had gotten arrested right before my birthday for pot when she was with a friend. That's why he showed up, on my birthday, with her in tow because he had just picked her up from jail. I didn't know that until recently - I was just so livid he showed up on my birthday late that night (he had a card and flowers for me) but he had her with him and it was like "here's a card, flowers, now we are leaving..". I wanted to spend some time with him alone so we could talk but no.... he was connected at the hip with his jailbird. That night they kept taking off to be alone (get high). I just felt so let down but it was my birthday and I just let it go.

Now the holidays are coming up, he has to be low on cash (the inheritance he got was down to $7K a month ago and I'm sure it's dwindled down to probably about $3K since he is paying his cell and blowing money on partying.

What I don't get is.... when I last kicked him out, he filled a suitcase and grabbed his laptop but all of his clothes are still here and he hasn't asked to come get them. His room - I haven't even been able to go in there and start packing up stuff - I'd love to turn that room into my office/art room but to start boxing up everything, I can't do it. He needs to come get all his crap and box it up himself I guess, I dunno...

I need your help. I'm the parent but I feel like I should not contact him so he can miss me, wonder if I'm ok for a change.... but then I think as immature as he is, his brain won't register "I am worried about my mom, hope she is ok". I'm not going to reach out to him to see if he will contact me. I've always made the first move because I just was so worried and missed him. Not this time, I can't. Forgive me for rambling and writing but I am getting this off my chest - thank you for listening ((hugs)).

Reasons my son can not live with me: Kept bringing drugs and drug toys in my home when I asked him to stop. Explained to him that I could go to jail and lose my job if cops came in and found his stuff. He kept bringing friends over to get high during the day while I was at work after I repeatedly told him no one could come over when I was not home. Told him to stop bringing random girls home from bars to spend the night in his room, especially on week nights. He kept waking me up at 3-4a.m because I would hear him and drunk girl of the night laughing and talking. Last straw was a Sunday night and I had work the next morning. I made him take her home. Next day I told him to be home when I got home because I was pissed and he knew it - he was gone and said he was sick of talking, I said I was sick of his disrespect, he packed his suitcase and left.

He won't get a job - the few jobs he's had he got fired or quit after a month or two. He's made no attempt to enroll in local community college (which is right by my house - he would walk there if he wanted and I offered to pay for a few classes to get him started - but no interest). Sleeping until Noon, playing video games, staying out all night until 3-4am, drinking and drugging, etc....

After that big blow up I saw posts on Instagram a few days later of him laughing as he was driving his car with a whipits inhalant can in his lap. Made me literally sick to my stomach seeing that. I just think of what he is doing to his brain and I get ill. Two of his female friends died from heroin overdoses, three stints in jail and he is driving around inhaling whipits while driving with a suspended license, no insurance and obviously no brain. 23 years old with the mentality of a 14 year old.

Now I have no idea what he is doing - I check his girlfriend and friends Insta and Facebook accts and catch a post here or there. It's such a horrible feeling knowing my son could care less about me and is being so reckless and irresponsible. Feels like my heart is being slowly poisoned. I was such a great mother to this kid. This is what I get and it's the worst pain I have ever felt. I feel like I wasted my life and produced devil spawn. I truly lost a happy sweet, funny, artistic boy to the devil.

 

[New Leaf]

I would love to serve food at a shelter or seniors home - I think that is just what I need to do. I'm going to check with my church. I have to keep forcing myself to get out there and meet people - it's hard.

Good Sea, go check with your church, I am sure they have those connections. Yes, it is hard. But you can do this, I know you can.

I was just so livid he showed up on my birthday late that night (he had a card and flowers for me) but he had her with him and it was like "here's a card, flowers, now we are leaving..". I wanted to spend some time with him alone so we could talk but no.... he was connected at the hip with his jailbird. That night they kept taking off to be alone (get high). I just felt so let down but it was my birthday and I just let it go.

I know this feeling Sea, similar things have happened to me over and over. Drug addiction is an incredibly selfish road.

Now the holidays are coming up, he has to be low on cash (the inheritance he got was down to $7K a month ago and I'm sure it's dwindled down to probably about $3K since he is paying his cell and blowing money on partying.

You are probably right, but what can you do? He is an adult and will spend his money as he pleases. It is unfortunate that he is blowing his inheritance. He will regret it later on I am sure. In this frame of mind, money to spend.

What I don't get is.... when I last kicked him out, he filled a suitcase and grabbed his laptop but all of his clothes are still here and he hasn't asked to come get them. His room - I haven't even been able to go in there and start packing up stuff - I'd love to turn that room into my office/art room but to start boxing up everything, I can't do it. He needs to come get all his crap and box it up himself I guess, I dunno...

He probably went and bought new stuff, Sea. It is like my two, they would come and go, when they left, they would leave all kinds of stuff behind for us to clean out. Right now, I am dealing with it (been four months since they have gone). They do not care about the mess they left, or the value of the things they left. They do not care about the big hole in our hearts they made. Drugs make people do the awfullest things to their parents, Sea.
What if you just went in there and boxed stuff up and donated it? That's what I did. It was hard, but it had to be done. I could breathe a bit better after that. Then, I started cleaning out and getting rid of all the extra stuff I had accumulated, "just in case" they all came back. We live in a very small house and were doubled up to over the max with 6 extra people (3 grands, 2 d cs , grands bio dad on occasion). It was crazy, Sea, what hubs and I did for them, how we bent over backwards again and again. They didn't care. They just kept on drugging and shoving it in our faces. Because of our grands, we kept "helping". 11 long years of crazy. Promises every time.

Are you holding on to the clothes in case he comes back, or are you still grieving his going and can't bring yourself to clear it out?
Grief is your process Sea, take as long as you need. But there is a thing called spiraling, when the same feelings and thought processes spill out of you each time. This is not healthy.
If you see this happening over and again, please get counseling. I went, it helped.

It may help you tremendously to make that art room, Sea. If you are like me as an artist, you have an intrinsic need to express yourself through art. If I stifle this, I get sick, something is missing.
When our children go their way, even our children who do well, there is the empty nest. Not only in our homes, but in our hearts. I needed to fill the empty. So, I sculpt. I am going to go back to my painting after my clay class. I am on Pinterest, I love collecting ideas. Now it is time to put those ideas to use.

Tell me about your art Sea, I would love to know of it.

I need your help. I'm the parent but I feel like I should not contact him so he can miss me, wonder if I'm ok for a change.... but then I think as immature as he is, his brain won't register "I am worried about my mom, hope she is ok". I'm not going to reach out to him to see if he will contact me. I've always made the first move because I just was so worried and missed him. Not this time, I can't. Forgive me for rambling and writing but I am getting this off my chest - thank you for listening ((hugs)).

Oh Sea, I am probably the last person to give advice on this. I have gone no contact for the same reasons. Thank you for sharing. At times, I feel like I have no soul, I do not even want to contact my children. That I suppose is the result of years of abusive behaviors from these two. They are extremely toxic to me, downright cruel. My no contact is much like yours. I feel I should not be the one to reach out. It feels silly and immature at times. In reality, I am protecting myself and rightly so. If my children picked up the phone and were to apologize......but I will not hold my breath.
This is how I feel now, but I may change my mind.
I am also cognizant of the fact that they are capable of seemingly making amends to manipulate me into enabling again. It is incredibly complicated.
I wrote one post that our d cs do not see us as people with feelings. We are things, to them, that is how they use us so completely. We are things to them, when they are on drugs.

Kept bringing drugs and drug toys in my home when I asked him to stop. Explained to him that I could go to jail and lose my job if cops came in and found his stuff. He kept bringing friends over to get high during the day while I was at work after I repeatedly told him no one could come over when I was not home. Told him to stop bringing random girls home from bars to spend the night in his room, especially on week nights. He kept waking me up at 3-4a.m because I would hear him and drunk girl of the night laughing and talking. Last straw was a Sunday night and I had work the next morning. I made him take her home. Next day I told him to be home when I got home because I was pissed and he knew it - he was gone and said he was sick of talking, I said I was sick of his disrespect, he packed his suitcase and left.

He left, good. He was telling you through his actions, that he was not going to follow your rules, shoving his lifestyle in your face. Good he left. He was, like my two, blatantly disrespectful, unkind and uncaring. Good for you, he left.
Now to fill the empty, Sea.

He won't get a job - the few jobs he's had he got fired or quit after a month or two. He's made no attempt to enroll in local community college (which is right by my house - he would walk there if he wanted and I offered to pay for a few classes to get him started - but no interest). Sleeping until Noon, playing video games, staying out all night until 3-4am, drinking and drugging, etc....

This could be my story too. UGH! Going off to work as the princesses of the drug world...slept. What were we thinking? Were we out of our minds to be so disrespected that way! It never changed. At first when they would come back home, it seemed different. As soon as they settled in, the mask came off and the partying began. It was horrible.

I just think of what he is doing to his brain and I get ill. Two of his female friends died from heroin overdoses, three stints in jail and he is driving around inhaling whipits while driving with a suspended license, no insurance and obviously no brain. 23 years old with the mentality of a 14 year old.

Sea, this is his choice, there is no stopping him. Cedar put it in a way to help stop the awfullizing. That our d cs are out discovering themselves. They are on a path. Hopefully they will learn. In my "I won't give up" thread, I wrote of this. My letting my two go and letting God is that, I did not give up, I gave in. I gave them back to God, and when I go down the road of awfullizing, I say a quick prayer, it calms me. God is powerful, he will watch over them. They have got to figure this out. They cannot be with me, I am in their way. They will figure this out, sooner or later. It has nothing to do with me.

Now I have no idea what he is doing - I check his girlfriend and friends Insta and Facebook accts and catch a post here or there. It's such a horrible feeling knowing my son could care less about me and is being so reckless and irresponsible. Feels like my heart is being slowly poisoned. I was such a great mother to this kid. This is what I get and it's the worst pain I have ever felt. I feel like I wasted my life and produced devil spawn. I truly lost a happy sweet, funny, artistic boy to the devil.

Sea, you did not produce Devils spawn. He cannot see you as you are, through his drug eyes right now. Now is just that, now. Things change, they may not.
You are a person with much value. This is the time for you to rediscover your self, to branch out and make a life for you. You are in the health care industry are you not? Me, too. Giving of yourself to help others is cathartic, but also can sap you of much needed energy.
We cannot give from empty.
Treat yourself to a massage. Watch a sunset. Paint, then paint some more.
We have got to fill the empty, Sea. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. We all need R&R.

Do you make time for these things? You are so worth making time for yourself to rebuild.

I am glad you are thinking of helping during Thanksgiving. I think this is a great idea. I think it will open up a whole new world for you.

The world is out there for you Sea, with endless possibilities.
Now, to go out and get them!

Keep in touch dear.

Please take good care.

A hui hou (until we meet again) Malama pono (take care)
God bless

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Are you holding on to the clothes in case he comes back, or are you still grieving his going and can't bring yourself to clear it out?
Grief is your process Sea, take as long as you need. But there is a thing called spiraling, when the same feelings and thought processes spill out of you each time. This is not healthy.
If you see this happening over and again, please get counseling. I went, it helped.

I'm holding on to his stuff for him to come get it. He has made no attempts. What is wrong with this kid? I would be begging to come back and get my things especially my jackets now that it's getting cooler. I'd want to see my pets - he doesn't even miss his beloved pets.

I thought about counseling but I went to one after my husband died and she wanted to put me on sedatives. Drugs are the last thing I need. I just need SUPPORT! I feel a counselor will just sit there listening and giving me a look of pity while raking in $150 per hour. I'll lose it and cry, tell my story and then they will say "So what do you think YOU need to do?". I just don't want to waste my money. No one can fix this - I have to be strong and deal with it.