My son's hearing is today

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Feb 6, 2014.

  1. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Today is my son's hearing, and from what his lawyer told me, they won't postpone it again. They postponed it twice to "ice" him, he said, because my son still was saying he doesn't have a problem and doesn't need rehab.

    It's almost funny it's so ridiculous. If it wasn't so sad and so tragic.

    I had a call pop up on my phone yesterday when I was in a meeting. From Shreveport, Louisiana, which is where the jail system here has their phone contract. I didn't see it until an hour later. And what was important about it, for me, was that I didn't react inside myself very much at all to see the missed call.

    I didn't tighten up and immediately start obsessing. I did confirm my decision to myself that I am not going to take any calls from him right now.

    I sent him the letter we talked about last week, and he has received it. Here is the letter, I mailed, and I appreciate all of the good ideas from you---I used a lot of them:

    Dear difficult child,

    I don’t know what is next for you, but I want to be clear about my parameters.

    And these are things you may not want to hear. I am committed to living healthy and strong, and to making it possible for you to do the same.

    Do not come to my house after your release, difficult child. You will need to make your own arrangements to go wherever you decide.

    What you do and how you do it is completely up to you and completely your responsibility.

    I hope you will do what you need to do to live as the healthy, ethical and fine young man I raised you to be.

    It’s best for us to maintain our distance right now. That will allow you to figure out your own life and make your own decisions.

    I love you, difficult child.


    I'm under no illusions that this means I won't hear from him. I still have to be prepared, and the way I do that now is to write down my responses and what I would/will say if/when I talk to him. Right now, that is the best way for me to stick to what I decide and maintain what I want to happen. I still get confused and emotional----he can definitely rattle me, and he knows it.

    I could be all sad about where this relationship is between my precious son and myself, and I am. I could sit down and cry a while about it, and I might. But I also have moved to a new place, the place of seeing what is, and accepting it.

    I am ready to maintain the boundaries I spelled out here, and I am praying that with all of the resources I have available to me, I can do it.

    It is the best thing for me. It is the best thing for him. Thanks for all of you for your continued support, guidance and feedback. It is a gift.
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You handled this so hard thing well, COM.

    Holding you in my thoughts, today.

    Remember how Recovering always tells us to envision our children in God's hands? There is nothing you have to do, now.

    It is what it is.

    Lighting a white candle for my son helped me, though I couldn't say why. Symbolism of waiting and homecoming and hope?

    These are the actions we take, to free our children, and to free ourselves.

    It is what it is.

    I am sorry for today's pain, COM.

  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member


    you are doing so well. You've made so much and we can see it in your response to the missed call. You are smart to be prepared for a confrontation, and writing down potential responses is brilliant. YOu might even practice saying them out loud, get rid of the quaver in your voice, the questioning uptilt at the end of what should be declamatory sentence..we all have that, at least all of us our age...I overheard a bunch of talented smart young business school women talking that way too, yestarday.

    I am happy for your state of acceptance. I am so content to see your courage. Your letter was really super. Please let as know as things evolve.


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  4. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi ChildofMine,

    Those hearing days are tough, even if we are only there in spirit. I hope you have a beautiful day and can trust that what should happen will happen.

    Your letter sounded great - clear, concise and loving.

  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great letter COM, I am proud of you! You're doing well. And, geez, it is sad, but you are working through it so well.

    I've found as things progressed that when I had some doubts, those doubts allowed my difficult child to gain entry back into my brain..........when I began saying NO and meaning it, when I had no more doubts, she actually just stopped. They know on some energetic level when we mean you have your script ready to deliver, deliver it with passion even if you have to fake it till you make it!

    Sending you good thoughts and warm wishes for peace for you, for serenity, for calm and for balance............hugs too.............
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

  7. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    COM- what a strong and brave way to handle that! You did the right thing. I just posted about my son making contact with me after kicking him out, and your letter.. well, it said exactly the things I think I should put in my response back to him. It's so difficut, and always ongoing, but we are here for you, sending you hugs and strength! You have given me great advice about detaching and accepting that our difficult child's make their own choices and we need to maintain our boundaries with them - it is for their good, and OURS.

    If you don't mind, I might steal a couple of words from your letter to your difficult child and use it in my response to my difficult child.

  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Thank you all for your love, support and care for me yesterday. I had a good day as I was extremely busy and that was a blessing.

    I emailed his lawyer last night after I hadn't heard anything. He got a total of 60 days with time served plus a court-ordered psychological assessment and a substance abuse assessment. Also he got "language" which evidently means if he violates again for any reason he will serve his full sentence which is four years.

    So....he will be out around the first of March. At least it should be warmer outside then.

    I don't know how to feel about this so I am just going to accept the information right now and sit with it for a while.

    He has been in jail since January 2. I have written him two letters but I haven't been to see him, put money on his account and I haven't heard from him. He has tried to call twice but I have not taken the calls.

    Again, thank you for your support here. It helps me a lot.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Just wanted you to know I was here, checking to see how you are.

  10. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I am here as well, COM. I think when we don't know how to feel about something, it is OK to just sit with that. Sit with the unknowingness, hold it close, let it be. YOu can even name it--hello, unknown feeling, you are safe with me. We can sit together. I know it sounds odd, but sometimes if I do that for 20 or 30 minutes the aching feelng goes away. It sounds like you have some of the same practices I do, so maybe that will help a bit.
    Meanwhile...he is safe and warm and can't really get in trouble. Nothing for you to do today, or tomorrow. NO need to take any kind of action, reach any conclusions, or even think about it.
    I learned a lot from my SO--his mother was probably schizophrenic, with periods of lucency and good function, and periods where she would stip naked in front of the 7-11 and he would get called out of school to go retrieve her. He said it was easiest for him when she was in the hosptial, that he could relax and not "DO" for a while. Since my son's first hospitalizations were horrifying to me, that story came as a I totally get it. I could relax when he was in jail, too. I hope you can as well...I know you can.


  11. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    You know I'm here too COM :) Just breathe and know all will be well - all will be as it should be. Just breathe and ride the wave and know you are so strong and WILL stay afloat :)
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It's sad that he is in jail, but luckily it is for a short time. It is up to him now whether he takes advantage of the restrictions and limitations of his parole and makes the changes that will keep him out of jail and on the right track. There are programs that he can be a part of if he chooses to. I hope he will do that.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm here too COM, we have a lot of wagons now and we're circling a lot of weary parents're not alone, we're all here with you and for you..............waiting is're not jumping into action, as you likely used to do................a sacred space of uncertainty, a moment of pause, the space between thoughts..........the still are a very wise warrior my friend.